When you're flirting with death it's hard to realize what's really going on.
Yeah i'm trying to be strong.
But everything i do and say is wrong.
You had a place in my heart but i thought you were deceiving me.
Now nothing pleases me.
Walking down this barren road.
Trying to mend my heart of stone.
It seems i only feel for those who can save me.
But i'm unwanted in this reality.
I wrote beautiful words for you,
but erased them in fear for what you would say or do.
Yeah i think i still feel for you.
But i try to distract myself because i don't know if you want me in the room.
Maybe i'm not cut out for this.
I fall too hard and try to resist.
It's a pathetic fallacy how you made my heart sing.
If i could i would give your heart wings.
But i'm too weak.
Maybe i'm in too deep.
Or am i?
When all you try to do is forget the good.
It's hard to focus on the things you should.
Yeah your smile and words melted my wounds and shards.
But i feel like happiness is too far.
I craved your touch as well as your presence.
Now i'm left pondering on the essence.
Are you really what i need?
It seems like it to me, or so it seems.
But i'm caught up in the negativity,
oh what i would give for this to all be just a bad dream.
But you made the sun shine, even though we both know i'm running out of time.
And even though i know i'm hopeless, i'll still be happy if i have you by my side.

Maybe I’d be happier if I could learn to love myself.
But if you don’t love who you are or your own reflection, how are you supposed to try?
I guess I’m stuck in a permanent state of changing my disguise.
Because who I am is lost and no longer mine.
I just wish I could get myself back.
But I’m inept and left with whatever’s in my flask.
This life is filled with the most meaningless tasks.
Everything got ****** away and there’s little joy cast.
How am I not more of a mess?
Nothing of mine is locked away in my chest.
I guess that’s why I can’t do away with the stress.
Because my being got torn from me and I know I can’t handle what’s next.

I guess I confuse hate for love.
There’s not much to say when push comes to shove.
I guess that’s why I grieved in that time.
And still fearing my untimely demise.
But I’m so ******* sick of all of the lies.
Won’t won’t they all just take off their disguise?

The pain comes and goes, but this time feels worse.
I don't know where I'm headed but I can't help but feel cursed.
It feels as though I'm stuck at rock bottom.
Will I ever find my way? This is becoming a problem.
Feeling like a waste of space.
I wish I could pick myself up because I know this isn't the case.
So I'll keep on trying to find someone to love.
But deep down I don't know if I'm enough.

My mind trails to the depths of all of these problems.
I try so hard but the masquerade makes it impossible to solve them.
What’s with this disorder?
Why isn’t there any order?
It’s subliminally petty torture.
And I’m just locked in a corner.

The cool wind blows and I don’t feel sorrow.
What happened to the woe that was taking over?
I kind of miss it over feeling numb.
A sociopath with nothing in my flask.
So how do I bring myself back to life?
Things went quiet.
Am I through with this strife?
I need to win back my life.
But the winds have been blowing the shards of my former self out of sight.
How will I fix the puzzle of my mind and the shards of my heart that made me once feel so deeply?
My soul is fleeting and I’m stuck in this shell.
A wanderer lost, with nothing but to dwell.
Can I get out of this chaotic web?
I don’t know if I care I just miss being myself and the feelings that were once buried deep in my chest.

Conniving people with deceitful eyes altering my fate.
I’m lost and I don’t know who I am, how will I ever escape?
The serpents are machinating an orchestrated plan.
Why the **** do I care so much? And where is it that I stand?
So as I try to figure out this utterly hell bound plan,
I keep trying to move forward, as I try to deal with this hand.

I don’t know what happened to my being.
Without the pain of a tormented life I can’t handle breathing.
It’s something that’s hard to keep conceiving, but why is every part of myself fleeting?
I don’t know how to gain what I once felt.
At least I feel more than just a shell.
But that doesn’t keep me from starting to dwell.
No one can go through this demented race, with their being so torn that it’s not even their true face.
So why do they keep it going?
It’s all lies that are unfolding.
Where the **** am I even going?
There’s no hope that’s showing.
I just want to feel the blade because death is the only salvation I’ll probably ever end up knowing.

When everyone takes you apart piece by piece,
What do you do when you just can't leave?
Maybe it's all part of their plan..
But i just need to figure out where i stand.
When you've been searching so long for another to hold.
You realize that their game is getting old.
But somehow you feel that who you are is fading away.
I feel like i lost my chance to make my escape.
But what happened to all the love locked away inside your heart?
It's been stolen from you, and you can't help but to fall apart.
So what do i do to have a happy ending?
I don't know if i'll ever be happy so i guess i should try to get my love back and start mending.
But life keeps getting me side tracked.
And there's seldom chances to gaining what i lack.
**** what i would give to get all of my heart back..
But until i find someone whom i have a better connection,
I'll try to have a better connection, and try to find a better direction,
For my lost soul to finally stand my reflection, and hope that i can stop getting dissected into a projection of everything i could never be.

Why can’t I run away in my dreams?
When I wake up it’s never as it seems.
How can you tell the difference between reality and dreams?
Waking up in strange places and your life is falling apart at the seams.
I still can’t fathom what life means.
But I’m still going the distance being pushed back by my unsteady feet.

Falling down further into the pit. It doesn't matter where i sit. No longer feeling as deep as the ocean. Losing all of my devotion. This life of mine is so distorted. And i'm losing myself as i'm becoming so contorted.

Why is it deception against truth?
Does anyone have their own shoes?
I don’t wanna continue but if I don’t it will be my demise.
What else is there, except for lack of time?
I don’t understand their contorted distortion.
But if there’s no truth there will never be order.
So why is it always me against the mass?
There is nothing of value in the things they cast.
They belittle what’s right, and keep you in strife.
Until one day you want to succumb to the knife.

Maybe I shouldn’t have tried so hard but I honestly used to care.
Maybe the masquerade took it too far, it was a senseless petty dare.
Maybe I should have offed myself when I was begging to die in my sleep.
But maybe I should have never cared cause everyone was always against me.
Maybe it didn’t matter because I’m always trapped with this fake family.
And maybe I didn’t know that most people run off of greed.
So in these passing moments that I guess I’ll start to rot.
I’ll regret every minute I tried to help because no one ever leaves me anything but a shell filled with negative energy, so distraught.

Why am I always lost inside my head?
I try so hard but I always feel like I’m better off dead.
Why can’t the masquerade just give it a rest?
It seems to be more calm but I’m dreading what could happen next.
All I really ever feel is melancholy or despair.
And I can’t get it out of my head that no one cares.
So why can’t I find it in me to breathe some fresher air?
I guess I always knew I’d be distraught cause the fight was always unfair.

Everyone's despicable.
There's no other way of looking at how life truly is.
It's not an army of misfits.
It's an army of uneducated kids.
This is vile and so is everyone involved.
Looks like it's nothing that any sane person could solve.
You people have no mind.
Just a will to get hellbent until there's no more time.

When you look at life what do you see?
All I see is narcissism and vanity.
The deeper I look it's greed and entitlement.
And at a glance there's only room for your bigoted wits.
So what was the point of making this life?
Everyone's a brain dead ****** with no room for giving anything that matters a chance.
You people see it as being on your "best behaviour".
You people make people need a ******* ******* saviour.
You people aren't doing anyone any favours.
Keep your ******* away from me you peoples "offers" and ultimatums never should have made it to the table.

Where do you go when the storm never ends?
I know I always said I needed to mend.
But my world is crashing down before my eyes.
It’s not something I could change this time.
It feels like I’m just chasing shadows.
How do I win my losing battle?
Crawling out of the rubble is never an easy task.
And it’s even harder when everyone around you seems to be wearing a mask.
The noose isn’t tied too tight this time.
They always say they want me to turn out fine.
If only there were a way to change the time.
But in a hopeless world, it makes you want to jump.
Break my bones because I don’t feel like I can't get out of this slump.

With so many rain clouds rolling through my mind I’m lost because you’re not trying to hide.
I guess more often than not I find myself wanting to be by your side.
So why won’t death release me from its grasp?
I think I might have found a happiness with the potential to last.
The winds may blow, but somehow for you my feelings always show.
Please don’t let go.

Don't remember when we were friends.
Don't remember faking happiness in my presence and your vain personas in my despicable hand.
Dont remember any smiles or laughter that were passed.
Dont remember my name or your ruthless plans.
Dont remember me because in reality you were never there.
Dont remember me because I'm less valueless than wallpaper or a chair.
Dont remember any good that was ever instilled.
******* all I hope you all rot without any good will.

if the problems were always lingering around every bend, why did they have to survive? why didn't they reach their unspeakable end.
life feels pretend and there's no logic or truth.
it's no wonder they keep people blinded to keep the truth misconstrued.
so as I wish for them to reach the bowels of hell, for torturing who they see fit and prying their way into this shell.
I'll come to realize they deserve a lot worse than any imaginable hell.
for taking away people's chances and lives, and keeping their souls on their shelves.

The distortion never ends.
Too violated to mend.
I’d reverse castrate you for the disgust.
Why am I so stupid it’s clear my life is filled with distrust.
So as I think about drilling through your eyeball, I’ll think about how I wish you’d just end it all.
Leave me the **** alone and stop using me as your puppet.
But you’ve been doing this my whole existence, why do you love it?
Maybe one day I’ll off you myself.
But until then I’ll try not to mutilate myself from this petty disgusting hell.

It feels as though the end is nigh.
There’s nothing here and nowhere to hide.
So as I prepare to fall into this doom filled tide.
I’ll hope that those who need it still have enough courage to breathe peace into life.

So here i am, writing about you again at 4:00 am.
These days i can't go more than a few minutes without wishing i was by your side.
I keep finding myself trying to drown our memories with whatever i can stomach.
But it's never enough.
You left a scar on my heart, and the only way to heal it is to rid myself of this earth, because i know you won't come back again.
Even though your absence is eating me alive.
I don't think you realize that you were my saviour.
God knows i'm not ready to leave.
But he also knows i'm too weak to make it any further without you.
It's such a cliche that with or without you, i'm either mentally dead, or on my way to that grave.
Will i ever find my saving grace?
You stole my heart without any intent of loving me.
Oh dear god, how i long to love the way i wish to be wanted.
But now i'm on my way to the hell you hoped for.
And i will always be sorry.

Where am I going?
I’m not sure.
All around there’s nothing but closed doors.
Can I escape these demons?
Or am I trapped for good?
More is going on than I think there should.
These days I’m such a mess.
All that’s left are minuscule feelings in my chest.
At least now it seems they’re giving it a rest.
I need to regain myself and be done with the rest.

As the days go by, i can't figure out why i can't feel alive.
Is it because no one ever stays by my side?
I guess i spend too much time trying to hide.
Will i ever reach the sky?
Or is my being so fragmented that i'll never be able to feel?
I guess the problem isn't trying to heal.
But rather trying to get my soul back and break through the barriers of my mind.
Will i ever feel the heart beating in my chest?
Or has this melancholy gone on for too long that i can't be my best?
I guess time will tell what's in store.
I just hope i can reach the stars before everyone else closes the door.

Life has it's turns but I'll always be filled with doubt.
Maybr my dead eyes make it hard to see.
But I don't think there are any points I'm missing in this less than lovely reality.

All that’s left are twisted morbid thoughts.
I guess their plan worked, so what’s left of the plot?
If only the good had a chance to rise.
Maybe then there wouldn’t be mostly lies.
I can’t say I turned out fine.
I’m so ******* scattered and I want to die.
So as I keep living until they decide my time is up.
I'm so sick of everyone and all of their bluffs.
so i guess I’ll try to be whatever part of me that’s left.
As I try not to think about whatever is going to happen next.

When all your mind does is play petty little games.
How do you figure out a way to rearrange,
the pieces of you that made you who you are?
When all you do is try and you don't get very far.
How do you figure out which path to take?
But you're getting happier because everything seems to be getting less fake.
I guess i'll have to find more time to dream.
And try to stop my life from falling apart at the seams.

Let the blood trickle down my arm, the damage has already been done, so I guess there’s little harm and everyone’s already won.
I’ve been dragging what’s left of me down this winding and dreary path.
I wanted to make the most out of life, I wanted it to last.
But all I see are enemies and I have nowhere left to run.
So I guess I’ll crash and burn until death I will succumb.

Trapped in this vessel, the people here are crude.
I’m lost in their sequence and my being is so misconstrued.
So what’s with their belligerent hate filled alliance?
It doesn’t matter what’s said cause they’ll always deny it.
So as I count down my days to my brutal demise. I’ll hope their fate and their lies get lost in time.
I don’t understand how people can be so sick.
I want no part in this charade, but I hope they all drop dead.

Every feeling I ever feel gets washed away in the tide.
Maybe that’s why I mostly hide.
Maybe that’s why I never want to heal.
Because all I want to do is feel.
But I feel like just a shell.
And all I can do is dwell.
Just an empty heart with nothing to hold onto.
Empty eyes that see nothing but their lies.
Everyone in every disguise.
And I feel nothing.
This vessel feels like an abyss.
No chance to ever feel bliss.
Maybe that’s why my life is in remiss.
Always the enemy.
Will there ever be a friend to see?
Cast out on my own.
My once heavy heart that turned into stone, became empty and now I’m on my own.
I miss feeling woe and sorrow.
I feel like I’ll always be alone.
With no place of my own, will I ever find a place to call home.
I wish I had some place else to go.
But until I get myself back, I’ll have no good behind my eyes.
And I’ll keep wishing that people will stop believing their lies.
As I try not to drown in the mess of my life.

Hold me.
Let me feel your touch one more time.
Let me know that it wasn’t all a lie.
I’m breaking apart and the end for me seems to be nigh.
You were the one person who didn’t make me want to hide.
So tell me, why did we have to run out of time?
I need your presence.
You made me feel effervescent.
I can feel myself pondering on the essence.
But you seem to be fading away.
Oh dear god what I would do if you would stay.
Hell knows I won’t be okay.
But the only thing I can do now is try to find my place.

Lace your fingers between mine and maybe we won’t have to hide.
When we kiss will we get frozen in time?
I just need to find someone who will stay by my side.
And we can walk among the sunrise to feel more alive.
Can we get lost in a brighter hue?
I just want to feel something true.
Because I’m sick of feeling blue and not knowing what to do.
So until he finds my side, I’ll try not to hide and wait for his warm embrace to maybe change my fate.

I’m at the final bow,
I ask myself wondering how,
Life makes such horrendous sounds.
But my head used to always be caught up in the clouds.
And there’s seldom freedom now.
But I can’t shake this negative energy.
There was never any hope to living my life just for me.
I just got ****** into petty slavery.
And now I don’t know what it is that I need.
I’ve been lost my whole life how could I have ever found a key?
I don’t even know what it is that I need, but the torture of my existence leads me to sometimes grieve.
So I guess this is it cause everyone’s out to get me.
And now I feel like it’s time to take the final leap.

It feels like the end of the road, and what I’ve come to find is sorrow.
I didn’t want you to get caught in the undertoe.
But things are deceiving even the woe.
So as I hope that your precious soul can be saved, I’ll keep pondering on why I couldn’t turn the page.
But with this petty army filled with hate filled renegades, it’s no wonder no one ever had the will to stay.

I guess the road is nearing the end.
Its a shame that my life was mostly pretend.
I guess it doesn't matter that I didn't get to mend.
No matter how brutal my demise. ill be thankful for those who lent a helping hand.

The days are getting longer.
It's not just that summer's coming, it's the loneliness that's engulfing my being.
I know it's too late, but that doesn't keep me from wanting to change all of this. But i feel like i'm slowly drowning in quicksand.
How do i get out of this pit?
Every time i try to move i get lower.
How far till i hit the bottom?
I think i've already been there.
Am i sinking deeper? Or finally finding my way out?
Either way i know i need to find the strength to do this for myself, by myself.
Because all that's left are ghosts and blurry memories of old lovers, friends, and the ones i was too afraid to let in.
But you haunt me the most.
Why does everything always lead back to you?
Maybe you were the light that was trying to guide me to safety.
Or maybe you were to lead me to tragedy.
Only one thing is certain, and that is my soul is searching for yours.
Whether you're my next savior, or the devil in disguise.
Something inside just won't let the memories die.

The days are starting to melt together.
Blurry memories are no longer keeping me sane.
Will I be able to turn the page?
Or will I get dragged down into a series of pain?
Maybe things will stay distorted.
But if I could change things I would find truth and bring order.
I don’t know where I’ll end up.
But if I can get away it will be enough.
I just want to appreciate the sun and the stars.
But every ounce of happiness seems like it’s too far.
So as I spend my time alone with the moon,
I’ll keep trying to get out of this web, in hopes that things get less contorted and misconstrued.

I guess i should just embrace the hate emanating from me and towards me.
I guess the problem wasn't that i couldn't see.
It was probably the fact that everyone liked me losing my sanity.
When will my time be up?
I've had it with this ******* and i'm sure everyone else has also had enough.
I'm so ******* sick of calling everyone's bluffs.
Because it's so clear to me that nothing to anyone will ever be enough.

At the bottom is where they’re keeping me.
I guess it’s my fate to never find a key.
I don’t care too much about my sanity.
I’m in a sociopathic state, I just wish I could do away with their hate.
But it seems like I’ll never find a way to escape.
So I guess that means I’ll never get off this page.
I wish I could regain what got stolen out of the lifeless shell that I’m trapped inside.
But there’s little hope to overcome the tides.
I’m sick of all of their lies.
So I guess if I don’t break free I’ll have to find a new place to hide.

I was on the brink of entering the valley of darkness.
I lay there screaming your name as they were trying to revive me.
Everything went dark.
All but the memories of you.
I slipped into the unknown for a few moments, and awoke to the people who had been working to keep me here.
Question after question, I had no recollection.
When i was finally released they wanted to erase you from my mind, from my reality.
It seemed they had succeeded.
Maybe time isn't on my side, but i remember enough to miss your presence from my life.

And as time goes by I can only hope for someone to love.
As time runs out I can feel myself fading.
It's something that I might have trouble escaping.
As the days go by I find myself wishing I was enough.
But from what's going on I doubt I'll ever feel your touch.
So as I keep slipping away from reality, I'll just try not to think of my mortality.

What is it like when every morning feels like a breath of fresh air?
When you’re not consumed in a fight that was always unfair?
What do you do when everyone is decieving?
I just wish I could find something, anything worth keeping.
How does it feel when you’re basking in bliss?
I don’t know if I’ll ever get a chance to feel effervescent in a kiss.
Maybe time isn’t on my side.
But I need to muster up the courage not to only hide.
I need to get away and try to live a better life.
Instead of being consumed in this petty fight of my life.

Life is nothing but a waste of time.
There's no point to sadism and morbidity. It's drawing the line.
So what beauty does the world hold?
There isn't any its just more room for your despicable lies to unfold.

You deconstructed my bones and now all that's left is a sorry excuse of a sack of a person.
Desecration never ends.
There's no hope to mend.
Life feels pretend.
Because all I'm left with is your petty excuse of a hand.

Why is this my fate?
I wish I could escape.
I feel like I’m locked in a cage,
Unable to drown my woe in the pouring rain.
Somehow everything’s staying the same while getting worse by the day.
This is a sickening charade.
I’m numb to the touch.
But they can’t get enough.
If only I had more self love.

The days are dragging on and I’m struggling to find a happy song.
How can I move on when so much is wrong?
I feel like I’m close to death, if that’s true, why won’t they give it a rest?
So as I try to find a way to be okay, I’ll try to find another way to come to terms with the mess of my life.
As I try not to fade into the night.

Images of you are haunting my thoughts.
**** them all I’m nothing but distraught.
Terrors from my nightmares are haunting the room.
How much longer before I’m consumed?
I guess now I want to rid you from my life.
How much longer until I reach for the knife?
Just let the warm stream flow down my arm.
But I know I’m only looking for harm.
I guess this life was never meant for me.
And there’s no way in hell you were ever the key.
I don’t even have my sanity.
So just let me fade away completely.

The minutes are starting to feel like hours.
I feel stuck and I don't know where I'm headed.
If only I could feel something other than this horrendous nothingness.
I don't know what to think anymore.
But I know you were never mine.
And maybe that's why I can accept that you're not here.
I feel like it's too late for me, and maybe I'm right.
But if everyone's happy I just might be okay with that.

Nothing left but a scattered mind and broken soul.
I always hoped that my heart wouldn’t turn back into stone.
I just need to get away and find someplace to call home.
I know I need you but I might have to go.
I try and try but I feel like I need to end it all.
I don’t want to hurt you but I’m losing my grip and beginning to fall.
They always said that the world is a cruel place.
I find myself waiting to see the smile on your face.
So what’s left in the unraveling chapter of my life?
I guess a noose is taking place of the knife.
But that doesn’t stop me from wanting you in what’s left of my life.
With these scattered thoughts it’s hard to tell what to do, I’m starting to lose sight.
I feel like I’m undeserving, does anyone have a clear view?
I do what I can but I can never get used to these shoes.
So as I count the days till I see you next,
I’ll hope that soon I’ll feel my heart beating in my chest.