Trying to find my way out of this endless spiral.
I know i'm at fault too but this isn't denial.
So many people wearing masks.
And i'm still left searching for a happiness with the potential to last.
I know i used to be ready to end it all.
But every time i try to get up it's just a matter of time until i fall.
So what if there was a way to live the life of my dreams?
I try and try, but nothing is ever as it seems.
Faces come into my life but still nothing is clear.
Things might be getting worse, but i'm finding i have less fear.
I still don't know where i'm going but somehow i'm finding clarity.
Having friends in this life somehow feels rare to me.
So as i try my hardest to find some direction,
I'll hope things get better, including my sense of recollection.
And in each passing moment i'll try to get myself back.
Just so i can finally stop taking things for granted, as i try to gain what i lack.

Been trying so long and my dreams are shattered.
All of this makes it seem like none of this ever mattered.
So how do I get out of the pit I’m in?
This is so ****** up and I’m left with the weight of my actions and sins.
I don’t even know if I have enough love to give.
I don’t know why but without it I can’t seem to live.
So why am I stumbling through life still trying?
What’s left of my soul seems to be withering away and dying.
Where am I going? There aren’t many people I can call friends around.
At least I’m not that lonely anymore but it’s still hard to get used to the sound.
So I’ll try to stand up and make it through the chaos.
And hope that I don’t get completely lost.

When you've lost your voice, and end up with no choice,
How do you make anything better?
I guess i should stop treating everyone as just a letter.
But when you have trouble deciphering the mess.
It's hard to figure out if there's any of yourself that you have left.
So what do i do to win back what was locked away in my chest?
I guess i should start to make my escape.
Even though i'm more or less of a disgrace.
So in the days to come i'll try to appreciate the rising sun.
And try to think less of all the questionable things i've done.

Been running away for most of my life,
Always turning back to feeling the blade of the knife.
Getting older is making me grow colder.
No one to turn to but my own lonely shoulder.
But somehow none of it seems that bad.
Maybe it is and that's why nothing ever lasts.
I don't know where i'm going but i hope i get there soon.
Maybe if i'm lucky i'll find a hand to hold onto.
But i can never hold onto the same shoes.
And maybe that's why i'm always searching for clues.
But i'm finding that i'm running out of hope to continue.
And lately i've been mostly numb.
To death will i succumb?
I always feel like it follows me around.
Maybe that's why i feel safer in a crowd.
But what is life if you have no real connections?
I guess i need to figure out a way to change the direction.
Maybe it's all about the perception.
But until i find a way to feel better about my disarranged life.
I'll try my best to have hope and get rid of this strife.

Where’s the barbed wire I want to tie up your limbs, squeeze till it turns blue and slit open your wrists.
Rip out your veins and shove them in your mouth.
Rip out your tongue like you’re rotting in hell.
Nail your eyeballs into the socket, sew your lips together, cut them off and put them in your pocket.
Get a tile cutter to split apart your feet to your knees,
Get a sledgehammer to shatter your femur because you’ve already brought me to my knees.
Set you ablaze for all of this torment.
You all ****** me over before everyone was for it.
So excuse me for wanting to get revenge.
But you can’t expect to torture someone their whole existence and for them to not turn out like this.

(Directed at the masquerade or whoever the hell is out to get me. Awesome.)

If I can’t better myself then what can I do?
Why do people have to be so blinded and misconstrued?
I need to work on myself and let my life unfold.
But they’re bitter as hell and they keep me trapped in a hell hole.
So how do I get out of the clutches of the masquerade?
I don’t know what to do because no matter what I try it gets worse by the day.
I wish there were another way.
But I can’t take this petty tragedy and I think I’m nearing the final page.

The blood isn’t rushing like it used to.
What am I supposed to do?
I miss the warm rush streaming down my arm.
How long before it does any harm?
My eyes are starting to fill up with hate.
I know for a fact I need an escape.
It pains me to say but I’m just a mistake.
So I don’t blame you if you never want to see my face.
What am I doing here?
My life is so unclear.
I just know I need you near.

As things keep unfolding I’m not liking my fate.
Why can’t all of this just be a mistake?
I’m struggling to find the beauty in life.
Only holding onto negativity and strife.
What would it take to gain what I lack?
I’m no longer myself and it’s everything that I lack.
What is it like to love yourself whole?
Enemies everywhere and I’m stuck paying the toll.
I used to ache to love the way I needed to be loved.
Now I’m emotionless and mostly numb.
**** what I would give to get myself back.
But hell knows that’s no easy task.
So as I try to be the best version of me,
I’ll try to focus less on the pettiness happening all around me.

Going back to the night with tears streaming down my face,
The blade didn’t work so I guess I’ll have to live out my unthinkable fate.
I want to slip into the unknown and never look back, because everyone’s eyes are filled with hate and there’s no getting anything that was ever mine back.
So as I ponder the afterlife and try to be set free, I’ll keep dragging this corpse through life as I try to regain any ounce of sanity.

Why torment someone for so long that they’re weak at the knees?
My life is a hoax that’s always been tearing apart at the seams.
What’s with the deception?
These disorders corrupt my recollection.
But I find that I can only be, why won’t they leave this vessel? It’s clear I’m trapped and they just can’t see.
Or maybe they can but they use me for their contortion.
There has to be another way but I can’t find the notion.
So as I try to stop drowning in this mess of petty slavery, I’ll try to see more clearly until I can live my life as only me.

Again it seems like i'll always be a loner.
As the days pass i'm getting more ****** up and not to mention colder.
I can't wait till all of this is over.
Tie the noose around my throat and take the final leap.
Things are far worse than perceived.
So tell me what's left in this life for me?
Hell knows that no one will grieve.
I just hope i can climb that tree.
Just so i can finally be at peace.
But what went so wrong that my life was always so unspeakably dreadful?
All of this is just so regrettable.
As everything keeps making itself clear in my mind,
I find myself wishing it was my time.
So i guess soon i'll just have to say goodbye.
Even though i never had anyone that stayed this time.
But the weight isn't so bad because i have no options left and it's helpless to try.

Falling down further into the pit. It doesn't matter where i sit. No longer feeling as deep as the ocean. Losing all of my devotion. This life of mine is so distorted. And i'm losing myself as i'm becoming so contorted.

Searching inside for something i can't find.
Do i even have a heart inside?
How can someone go from feeling so much to so little?
Can you meet me somewhere in the middle?
I know i'll never be good enough to find someone to love.
So i'll keep inside the sounds of the mourning dove.
Why is it always pain and loneliness that follows me?
At least most times i still have my sanity.
So i'll keep my hopes folded up in my pocket.
And try not to lose the memories in my locket.
Maybe one day the light will shine through.
And i can muster up the courage to hold my head up and continue.

Day after day, slowly going insane.
Sane insanity and level headedness is both a blessing and a curse.
My life is being dragged through the dirt.
I'm always sorry, but life just hurts.
Desecration only goes so far.
But I'm left with deepening scars.
If only I could rid this mess from my mind and being.
But life is no longer something I can fathom breathing.
There is no beauty instilled.
So I guess I can say goodbye to any free will.
I guess it was just an illusion, but life is nothing more than a hoax filled with confusion.

Hated.
So jaded.
Can’t evade it.
I wish I could escape.
But my life is a labyrinth of a maze.
It was only a matter of time till I wasn’t okay.
What’s with these games?
Deception.
No direction.
Forced suppression.
Misconstrued perceptions.
I’m lost and I don’t think I’ll ever be found.
I know I’ll never get used to the sound.
Tear off my limbs and pin me to the ground.
I’m trapped in a cage and I can’t get used to the sound.

Life is a hoax.
You people are a joke.
Stop dictating my life and hiding behind your disguise.
I don't care whats to come, because life is valueless and there's no beauty in the rising sun.
I don't care who's won.
Life has nothing but deceptive narcissists ******* all im done.

Let me bleed myself dry for you just one last time.
You were the one person who didn’t really make me want to hide.
But it didn’t work out, no, not this time.
So I’ll just hope my broken bones don’t get washed away by the tide.
Your smile brought joy to my all too dull world.
But I’m too naive, just a stupid little girl.
When did everything start fading away?
I guess the voices got the best of me so I was never really okay.
Your love was addicting and you were always enough.
I wish I had it in me to give you all of my love.
And although we reached our end I’ll still remember your eyes.
Warm and inviting unless I changed your mind.
And as we part ways to our unknown endeavours.
Just know I held you dearly and I’ll remember you forever.

It’s an orchaestrated mess and I never had a chance.
Why did I ever think I could have another dance?
I don’t know where to go but I know I can’t stay here.
No matter what happens I know I have to stop running away from fear.
So where can I go in hopes of a better song?
I don’t really know what’s going on but it’s all so ******* wrong.
I guess I’ll see what cards I’m dealt next, because not even I know why this is such a mess.
So as I muster up any ounce of courage or hope that’s still locked away,
I’ll keep just trying to have at least one better day.

Why am I always stuck alone?
It gets me no closer to finding my way home.
Isolation at its finest.
But I guess it’s not really one sided.
So as I try to find some meaning in the mess of my life,
I’ll try to stop fearing my demise.

Defeated.
Don’t want to stop the bleeding.
Because they cover up the truth so no one conceives it.
I need to focus on leaving.
Because this life is only deceiving.
I don’t want to keep breathing.
So hand me the blade so I can stop grieving.

I’m at war with myself, living in my own personal hell.
I’m so far gone that all I can do is dwell.
You were the only thing that could brighten my days.
But I’m left wondering if you really wanted me to stay.
Either way I’m sorry for leaving.
At least we’re both still breathing.
So as I try to piece myself back together,
I’ll hope my brittle bones can withstand the weather.
I’ll keep you in mind from time to time, when it seems like the sun won’t shine.
But as the time keeps ticking away,
I’ll hope we both end up okay.

The pain comes in times where i need it most.
But the rest of the time i'm numb, just thinking of ways to get the lost feelings back.
What if my fate is to drag around a lifeless body just searching for someone who understands me?
Well in this life there's no way to tell.
They say everything happens for a reason.
But could there ever be a reason to be stripped of everything that you are?
Is there meaning in taking someone's life from their grasp without giving it a second thought?
Well i guess some minds could justify what others would call cruel, or worse.
But until my time truly comes, i'll keep trying to be me.
Hoping i don't lose anymore feeling, as the rest of my life gets taken and locked away from out of my reach.

Will I keep walking down this path alone? I can’t tell if what’s coming back to life is my heart of stone. My bones can’t withstand the cold. And I don’t know if I’ll ever find my way home.

I never wanted anyone's pity.
Maybe i was stuck in a trance for most of my life.
And maybe that's why i can't bear to take my own life.
But something in me wants to end it all.
Is it just me, or has it taken far too long for me to fall?
I don't know where i'm going and i can't take this anymore.
I'm growing too weak from carrying all this weight, how long before i get sore?
It's like i have a piece of almost everyone i've known.
And i guess it's time to reap what i've sewn.
But something tells me no one deserves a life like this.
I don't care anymore, i know i won't be missed.
So why can't i just let the abyss consume me?
I guess i just have to be strong and keep moving.
But where the hell is there left to go?
It can't be just me who hates being alone.
So i guess i'll have to muster up the courage to tie the noose around my throat.

Break my heart.
Let me know if it was beating in the first place.
Say my name one last time so I know it was real.
I know you don’t want me but how the **** am I supposed to heal?
No closure.
Just a lonely broken road.
And I’m no closer to finding a home.
Why did you have to go?
I have no more hope.
So let me tie the noose around my throat.

All of these stories are flowing, how could it ever get boring?
I'm feeling like i can't see any of this me enduring.
But how will i stop the worry?
I don't know who to turn to, so where do i find some new shoes?
Maybe i can find it in me to figure out all of these clues.
If only i had it in me to grow, i wouldn't mind feeling mostly sorrow.
And maybe it's not that fact that i don't, i just have too much hope.
These feelings are fleeting and i've been stuck on mending.
It may not be worse than i think but i'm so done with pretending.
That these games are all that it seems, but i know that they're not.
Looking at the motions i'm far from distraught.
So where am i headed now with my eyes strung with hope?
I'm ready to start trying harder and not tie the noose around my throat.
But everything changes so far from what i had in mind,
I feel like i'm doing mostly nothing but wasting precious time.
So in these passing days i'll try to give all that i've got.
And try in the meantime feel less than distraught.

When you lose the ability to feel,
You wonder if you're losing yourself.
Will you survive the drought?
I know you're sitting here filled with doubt,
But do you have the strength to overcome?
I think i'm mostly numb.
And most times i come off as dumb.
But when it's hard to decipher your thoughts,
It's hard to leave everything you've fought.
So how do you find the truest version of you?
I know you don't want to continue,
Because they keep changing your shoes.
So how do you get yourself back?
It's everything that you lack.
How can you survive based on all of the lies?
Where do you go where you don't need a noose around your throat?
Just try not to choke on all of the lies along with their disguise.
And try to find yourself while you hope you won't run out of time.

Taking a trip down memory lane.
This all feels like some sick game.
And even i'm one to blame.
For falling through the cracks, i guess everyone's more or less the same.

I've been wishing on stars for a better start.
Hoping i won't fall apart.
How do i get back the love in my heart?
I'm left with damaged lungs and i'm not very smart.

So as i think about all of my mistakes,
Wishing i could fix them and change my fate.
I'm realizing that i'm a few years too late.
So i'll try to have more than false hope, maybe then they'll let me past the gate.

What's left of my fate?
I don't have it in me to end it and escape.
Why can i no longer take the sting of the blade?
I feel nothing but regret and shame.
Why is life a constant game?
I don't have any answers anymore, but it's not only me whose to blame.

It’s like my world is burning.
And all I can do is stare blankly.
Standing in the never ending crossfire.
Of faces I’ve encountered, dropping hate like bombs with no regard to anything that they’re doing.
How can people be so senseless?
In a world of hate, will I find it in me to escape?
This place is a cesspool. It’s like an army of petty ******* renegades. Keeping up charades for their own selfish satisfaction.
Who are they to dictate the lives of others?
But with people so conniving you can never talk any sense into them, it makes them belligerent.
And I’m at a loss because they have no ******* common sense.
So as I hope things take a change into a more positive light, I’ll hope I don’t get lost in the night. And hope that someday soon things end up alright.

As the moon waxes and wanes, I come to find that I’m sanely going insane.

So tear my chest open and see if I have a heart worth saving. People come and people go, always changing their mask.
Are they wearing one? I know you took yours off and burned it in the wreckage of your old self. But who is this new you?
What are you hiding now? Is it the loneliness that keeps finding it's way back? Or the brokenness that never ceases to appear when times get tough.
Well if what you're looking for is real, peer into my eyes, into my soul. Tell me who you see. I can't tell if it's even me.
So as I make my way through the wreckage of my life, I only hope to find the pieces that make me whole. And maybe, if I'm lucky, a soul worth sticking around for.

My heart and soul have been drawn out of my body.
I guess I need a new hobby.
My bones are withering away.
But I have this feeling that you won’t stay.
Everyone keeps leaving and locking the gate.
How do I always find myself feeling okay?
I hate just surviving. This isn’t living.
I always find that I’m far too forgiving.
So who am I now In this deceiving sequence?
Everyone knows that the concept of love has always been my weakness.
How the **** am I supposed to defeat this?
I have a feeling that whatever happens I won’t be missed.
What happened to all the time I spent trying to grow?
At least I’m not feeling only sorrow.
But now I feel nothing at all.
I guess my stumble turned into a crawl.

Somehow i'm still breathing and i don't know why.
I feel as though i'm running out of time.
Just hoping maybe someday i can call someone mine.
But something deep inside me wants me to die.
So as i sit here wishing for the storm to end,
I'll just focus on being me and trying to mend.
I don't know if i can do this, everything feels pretend.
But heaven knows it won't get better unless i'm graced with a godsend.

My true colours have faded away.
How do I make my great escape?
Where will I go while my shadow consumes me?
Death is coming and I don’t want to plea.
So what is it that I really need?
I just want to feel the blade and let it bleed.

When life is conspiring against you how do you figure it out?
Things have changed too much and now you're filled with doubt.
When they take everything that made you who you are, how do you get out and find a fresh start?
But life keeps knocking you down,
And you've lost all of your heart.
So why don't I just take that final leap?
There's nothing in this world that I could ever keep.
Sometimes it's worse than it seems.
So I try to hide in my dreams.
But there's nothing left in this life for me.
No hope to find a key.
So I guess in the time I have left I'll try not to be such a mess.
As I try to deal with all of this distress.
As I try to prolong tying the noose around my neck.

And as time goes by I can only hope for someone to love.
As time runs out I can feel myself fading.
It's something that I might have trouble escaping.
As the days go by I find myself wishing I was enough.
But from what's going on I doubt I'll ever feel your touch.
So as I keep slipping away from reality, I'll just try not to think of my mortality.

It seems i've been smiling more in these passing days.
But i can't help but hoping that i can escape.
At least i'm beginning to remember to dream.
It makes reality a little easier on my feet.
Even if i do have mostly nightmares,
And life doesn't always seem fair.
Sometimes i'll find someone who gives me hope.
And keeps my from wanting to jump with the rope.
If only i could find someone who felt the same way.
But feelings are fleeting and always seem to find a way to escape.
Maybe i have trouble getting close.
So why do i muster up so much hope?
I don't know where i'm going or who i'll find along the way.
But i really hope i find someone who wants to stay.
Maybe then i'll finally be free.
And try to live life the way it's meant to be.

Stop deleting my ******* ******* poetry. You deserve nothing.

Life has it's turns but I'll always be filled with doubt.
Maybr my dead eyes make it hard to see.
But I don't think there are any points I'm missing in this less than lovely reality.

The days are blurring together, and i know i'll never find my favourite sweater.
The nights are becoming eerie with shades of black dancing with shadows.
What hides in the darkness?
Am i becoming more heartless?
I know i'm running out of time, and i can't stop thinking about my demise.
But the masquerade won the game, and i'm too weak too play this stupid game.
I know i won't make it another day.
I wish i could have changed my fate.
But this is it and i know nothing will ever change.

What's to come in these passing days?
Life is despicable I'd rather get slain.
Why the **** can't I get off of this God forsaken page?
You people deserve the absolute worst and there's no way to see it any other way.

Petty ignorance.
Belligerent hypocrisy.
I'm losing my ******* sanity.
Mentally drained.
And sick of this life.
How long before my skin feels the blade of the knife?
You're an army of despicably tarnished renegades.
Tell me why it has to be this way?
Life holds no meaning.
There's no value anyone holds.
How long before your daft ******* plans are going to cease being unfold?
It's a web of lies.
With your ****** up disguise.
I hope you people reach a mortifying end this time.

Slowly going from sociopathy to being ruthless.
It doesn't matter to you people what the truth is.
All of these games are despicable stupid.
But you people lie so much that it's just made up to be true confusion.

It seems the masquerade has turned into an alliance.
Is there hope for a better day? They’ll always deny it.
I need to escape their slimy grasp.
And find any kind of happiness with the potential to last.
But things are crashing down right before my eyes.
All that’s left are their disguises and lies.
So as I try to get out of the crossfire, I’ll hope that things don’t get too dire.
As I hope my time doesn’t expire.

What’s going to happen next in this series of unfortunate events?
The masquerade presents:
My untimely and overweening death.
So why am I sitting here writing these words?
My existence is a hoax, haven’t you heard?
So as I accept that probably everyone will never care,
I’ll try to appreciate this last bit of air.
While they pick someone else to run into their grave.
Hopefully next time they will be saved.

It never seems to end, and I’m made out to be insane.
This is ridiculous I can’t take all of these conniving games.
What is all of “this work”?
It’s leaving me disturbed.
I need to find a way out.
But there’s too much doubt.
Why do they keep going?
There’s no point to the future they’re unfolding.
Everything in my eyes is more or less chaotic.
So many people are seemingly psychotic.
The masquerade is past the point of an alliance.
There’s too much bad karma and all they do is deny it.
What’s with this facade?
It’s more than just a hoax.
It’s more of a charade, it seems everyone whose clairvoyant never stops the game.
So why is all of this past the point of fixing?
Is it only my life they’ve been nixing?
I don’t get why this is happening I just hope those who have suffered because of these renegades, find peace in a brighter shade.

It seems you’ve strung together a handful of lies.
It was never me wearing a disguise.
My mind keeps me believing it was all just a beautiful lie.
But now the truth is unfolding and all I can do is hide.
You said it never happened, but the memories are real.
I guess now all I can do is forget about you and heal.

How many days will go by, before i lose myself completely?
Everything's out of rhythm, i can't even feel my heart beating.
I just wish i could find a path to get myself back.
But it feels impossible to regain what i lack.
My being feels like it's constantly under attack.
And i can no longer stomach what i keep in my flask.
So is there any hope to find any sort of meaning that lasts?
Something tells me i'm nearing my death bed.
And these problems are taking it's toll on whatever part of me that i have left.
Am i really even me?
It's so distorted that i can barely see.
I'm slowly losing my sanity, and now i can see that the problem was never only me.

Keep getting dragged down into the abyss.
I know my time is coming and i know i won't be missed.
How the **** did i end up in the middle of all of this?
This is all something of remiss.

So how do i find a better road to take?
No matter where i go i can't find an escape.
People trying to get back in but i closed the gate.
I want to trust someone, anyone.. But i feel like it's too late.
Is there anywhere left to go? Or is this just my fate?
I wish i could start over with a clean blank slate.

So as i try not to get consumed in this petty tragedy,
I'll accept that there never was and maybe never will be a key.
Maybe now i can try to regain my sanity,
As i try my best to be free.