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He said he liked Red

I prefer Green

We clashed in more ways than one
I wish someone had told me
he was just a silly child
an empty vessel of a man
a selfish psychopath
a boy blinded by love
who lusted for control
who craved every bloodied part of me

I wish I could tell him
that the thought of his touch
makes me feel ill
makes me feel *****
makes me feel naked

I wish he had loved me properly
from the beginning
the way a man should
with tender kisses and
even softer words

I wish I had left him
10 days in
3 weeks in
when he said "I love you"
when he hung up the phone
when I hung up the phone
when I forgot how to laugh
when I had my first anxiety attack
or the second one
or the third

*I wish I didn't love him
.......But I do
I am my fathers daughter.
I know this because he tells me every time he's drunk or every time I'm drunk
I think it started when my mother left
skipped town with the preacher
left me shaking in the bathroom holding my knees like a bad taste in my mouth
this is family
this is coming home or the lack of coming back
this is making toast for your mom when she's had too much wine and somehow ends up where it all began, in the apartment that was once hers but has since switched ownership
this house is not a home
without a mother
this house is not a home without the fathers daughter
we become glue for those who cannot become sober
we become wall, ball and chain, we become our fathers at such a young age we forget how to be anything besides drunk
Over the dead line we have called to you
To come across with a word to us,
Some beaten whisper of what happens
Where you are over the dead line
Deaf to our calls and voiceless.

The flickering shadows have not answered
Nor your lips sent a signal
Whether love talks and roses grow
And the sun breaks at morning
Splattering the sea with crimson.
~

“can a mother forget her child..."
though separated by the grave?
the son she bore and bathed,
the one whom life she gave,
the one she nursed and fed,
whom she carried on her side?
the son she taught to love,
to give, to walk, to pray,
him she watched with pride?
no, never... and a day,
not ever in one thousand years;
though the earth go on forever,
the son who was her babe
she'll not forget him, ever!

~

*post script.

celebrating my dearest wife, loving mother
and doting grandmother on this Mother’s Day!  
sons she gave us, three she bore;
two with us... one gone on...
awaiting our arrival, home.

Isaiah 49:15
Love is persistent
and so are rapists
I could be resistant
but Cupid's grip ain't nothing to **** with
People told me
       "get over it"
I tried.

People told me
       "get better grades"
I tried.

People told me
       "stop being so quiet"
I tried.

People told me
       "you look tired, get more sleep"
I tried.

People told me
       "just **** yourself already"
I'm trying.
 Apr 2015 Jacquelyn Morgan
mike
a chariot made from
the bones of the horse
who pulls it.
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