These are the kids you spent nearly every waking moment with for 12 years
These are the kids with whom you drank your first beer.
The ones who lit your first cigarette.
These are the kids that taught you to inhale and exhale, not just the smoke, but life too.
These are the kids that approved your first guy.
These are the kids that stepped up when that guy messed up.
These are the kids that picked you up after heartbreak
These are also the kids that broke your heart.
The ones who can fix anything but not what they've done.
These are the kids that turned into what they always protected you from.
These are the kids that crushed your lungs, making you forget how to inhale and exhale.
These are the kids who's decisions were like a lit cigarette burnt into your skin and the jagged, broken edge of a beer bottle to your head.
These are the kids you have to learn to live every waking moment without.

Ever since I met you
You did it from the start
You played God with my emotions
You ruled my soul, my brain, my heart

I don't know how it happened
But, what gave you the right
To take over my being
Right from that first night

Without you I'm not finished
I'm not first inside my mind
I now am always second
Or even much farther behind
I know God has all the power
He made the apple and the cart
But, God comes in behind you
when it involves ruling my heart



I know that I just need you
Every day more than before
I love you more each morning
I guess that's what love is for

But, tell me what exactly
Lets you play God with my head
Controlling how I'm feeling
My thoughts are yours instead

I've been yours from the beginning
You turned me completely outside in
I can not live with out you
I'm like a woodsman made of tin

Without you I'm not finished
I'm not first inside my mind
I now am always second
Or even much farther behind
I know God has all the power
He made the apple and the cart
But, God comes in behind you
when it involves ruling my heart

I'm tired of it all
Being short , not being tall
Sick& depressed
An ever need for rest
Binge, purge, cut , starve
A human shell, pleas don't tell
I'm a girl who needs time
For some piece of mind
It'll take me a while to cough up a smile
Let me sleep ,let me rest
Ill surface my best
You'll be disappointed
I'm broken , no token, no prize, no win
Anxious and stale
I beg you don't tell,
Fatigued and relieved
My tiring shell indeed

I wait, excited for when I see you again.
touch your fingers
kiss your lips
hear your voice.

But you always wanted more.

Because instead of wanting to see me
you wanted to see how the dress you bought looked on my body,
instead of touching my fingers
you wanted to invade  the parts of my body i regarded sacred,
instead of kissing my lips
you wanted to devour my mouth
and dominate me to show how weak i am,
instead of hearing my voice
you wanted moans and cries of pleasure
screams for the world to hear that I belong to you.

I sit here on the bed.
After your rounds of happiness and my forced labor.
I ask you who was the girl that you were so clearly flirting with last night and you tell me  it was just harmless flirting
and I bite my tongue
because i wanted to scream at you
Is it harmless,
that when you canceled on our date because you said you were sick,
someone told me that they saw you at a club, that you were gripping that girl's waist
and grinding on her like you were her man?
Is it harmless,
that everyday you rub it in my face how immensely inexperienced and timid i am
compared to the other girls you've been with?
Is it harmless,
that you asked me if it's okay if you ***** other girls
and I was taken aback and it was clear that I didn't approve?
You said
"They don't really mean anything, I just need some variety."
I knew right there that even if I didn't allow you, you'd still do it.
And right now
I’m just confused more than ever as I ask you again
What exactly we are and you say
“We're exclusively dating.”
But most of the time it’s more like
exclusively *******
with each other
with other emotions
with our non-existent commitments.
Because after just a mere 5 minutes of you being with me
and I refuse to spread my legs for you,
you have the nerve to lie to my face and look me in the eye and say
"My love for you gets stronger everyday."
And I swoon, being the naive little girl that I am
I am hung up on your words and I say yes when you ask me if we're okay.
But I know that by okay you mean okay with being invaded.
And with every pound, with every ******
The word love is replaced by lust
so now the sentence is
"My lust for you gets stronger everyday
and my love for you decreases the same."

I am so tired and so worn down from the weight of all my insecurities and you come hobbling in with your own bag of insecurities and stick it inside of me which you only do when other girls don't want you to.

Well guess what
For the first time in my life,
I'm
gonna
say
no.

I hate it when you lie to me,
I know that none of it's true.
I hate it when you cry with me,
And let your heart pour out of you.
I hate it how my soul feels free
Whenever you're around,
I hate that when we're together,
My heart is finally found.

And still you go on hurting me
As I beg you, please, just stop
You lie, complain, you twist me up,
While your beautiful brain just rots.
You let it stop you thinking,
Your heart takes full control.
Your body slowly falls away
Leaving vulnerable your soul.

I hate that you still need me
To protect you in the night.
I hate that I'm your angel,
Your harbinger of the light.
And I wish that it was me,
You had to look forward to,
But every time you look my way,
Your sight passes me right through.

So please, just let me escape from this,
Let me take my flight,
I don't want to be your strength anymore,
To be the dawn before the light,
I want you to do this on your own,
To let the darkness fade away,
I want you to leave me, happy again,
To leave me to the fray.

And there I'll burn, I'll turn to dust,
My life will be forgot,
No one will ever know my name,
Of my plight, you will know not.
From here I'll leave you,
On your own,
I know you'll struggle through.
You'll find the light soon now, my love,
And I will never come back to you.