I'm sitting here doing everything I can not to blame myself
I have no other answers
I'm contemplating the last thought that zoomed past your mind
Before you knew it was time
And if suicide was your only way out
How did you truly live your life
Is loving someone else possible
When all you did was sit and want to die
You said I was the reason you stayed
So I must of been the reason you drifted away
And whether or not I put that rope around your neck
I still hate myself to this day
How could I say I love you
But let you leave me
And believe me
This is not easy
Life is not easy
I can listen to everyone around me
Tell me that I wasn't selfish
But why is it that every time I close my eyes I see you
You smile and then you frown
My world gets turned upside down
What if I can't love someone the way I loved you
What if someone can't love me the way you loved me
What if I sit here for the rest of my life knowing that I let love slip through my fingers like its sand
And when you see sand you never think about each grain individually
You never appreciate someone until they're gone
Don't tell me that there are other fish in the sea
She was my sea

Right now someone is dying
While you sit on your couch screaming at your videogames as you **** innocent people
Right now someone is starving
While you spend $300 dollars on a fancy meal that you will end up wasting
Right now a child is wishing they could go to school
While you sleep through high school and complain about how its wasting your time
                         Perspective

If I could I would pocket the sun
Wrap it up and bring you your own piece of bliss
Take the moon in all its forms
So you could keep a close eye on all the beautiful things
Just so you could know that the universe is at your fingertips

I am about to be honest for a real quick second
And if you don't like my message
You can quietly exit
I have not lived a easy life
I have seen every roadblock every setback
That made me believe I deserved all of that
I cursed myself
I cursed God
Whoever was in my sights I hated
I blamed everyone for my own sadness
And instead of picking my head up
I faded into blackness
All I wanted was a life I thought I deserved
A life I thought I earned
But in reality
What have I done?
Who have I helped or encouraged?
I took my life for granted and never thanked a single person
I was selfish
Putting my pity on everyone
Instead of trying to figure out how I could help someone
And I call myself a Christian
I call myself a leader
I used those words to fill holes in my head to make myself believe that I was doing something right
And for what?
A pat on the back
And a thumbs up
Some fake respect and meaningless praise
That only led me further from the truth
I sit here now
And think of everything that brought me here
Whether it was worth it or not
Well I don't know yet
All I can say is that without a doubt in my mind
I can look you dead in the eye
And say that I want to change the world
I want to be a leader
A dream chaser
A goal seeker
A believer
I want people to think of me and know that I made a difference
Whether or not they knew me at all
I want to help people
In the way that I couldn't help myself
And when I die
I want people to know that I did everything I could
To make myself better
All I've ever wanted was to look in the mirror and see someone who never gave up
God put me here
In this town
In this house
In certain people's lives
And if you read this I promise to make a difference
I promise to change lives

I wait for your phone call
I wait for the relieving text message where you say everything was a lie
I wait and sit and wonder
I cry until my eyes hurt
Until I can't breathe
Until everything becomes blurry behind my tears
Until I fall asleep
Until I see you again

I read our old messages
I play back old conversations in my head until I can't tell if they are real or not
I sit and picture your face, your eyes, your smile
I think of everything I did wrong
Until I hate myself
Until I regret pushing you away
Until living without you seems like a waste of time
Until I can't think of loving anyone else but you

I wait for the day I will wake up and still have you in my life
I wait for this nightmare to be over
I pray that it's a joke
I wonder if I did this to you
Until I go numb
Until I think about the last time I told you I loved you and whether or not you believed me
Until I think about the phone call when your mother told me you were dead

I wait and wait and wait
Until I see a text saying you still love me

Why did I always ignore them

It was raining cats and dogs
Even though cats and dogs are supposed to bring happiness
There was nothing happy about the way the sky looked that night
The storm came in stages and patterns
Breaking down the walls that kept her safe
The clouds moved as swiftly as a dancer
Drowning out the sun and its warmth
No one saw it coming
No one saw the signs that were written in their hearts
We blocked out everything that was different
The storm came
The weather changed
We ran in different directions never looking back
How can you live when all you do is block out everything that reminds you that you're living
How can you stop yourself from feeling
The storm wiped out the love that we had
Turned us bad
We waited for the rainbow that showed signs of hope
But did nothing but stare out the window that pointed directly to our souls
We left our homes
Our lives seemed based around this storm
We became drones to the world around us
Untangling our pasts like they were knots holding us back
Using to for rope to go over the edge
To somehow find our silver lining
We stood at the edge questioning how far the fall was
We saw the storm roll in like a gang ready to battle for their pride
We jumped
Asking no questions
We gave into the rhythm around us
Pounding in our heads and hearts leading us out of the dark
We hit the ground and stood toe to toe with the storm
That chased us for years
Never having the courage to face it
Our strength became endless and we fought for our right to feel again
And even after taking blow after blow
We kept progressing
Until we saw our rainbow
I can't tell you what it feels like to stand up after a great battle
Knees weak
Arms shaking
We became fighters that day

She's the type of person who is annoyingly independent
Who won't ask for help or show any signs of struggling
She won't go against her faith for petty sin
Won't turn her back on the people who made her whole again
She's the type of person who will follow her dreams
Even when they take her far away
Will stand up for what's right even when everyone thinks she's wrong
She jumps full force into love but will back away to where its safe
You would never know her problems or secrets unless you ask
And I mean a million times
She smiles at the people who hate her and never gives them the satisfaction they desperately crave
She doesn't feed into drama
You won't find her doing anything she doesn't want too
But she'll surprise you when does something unexpected
You know she cares more then she will say
And you always know that as long as you are real
She will be real with you
Whether she believes it or not, you look up to her
She holds wisdom far beyond her years
And all you can do is thank her