My brain seems to get more damaged each day
These unstoppable rays of sunshine leave me in a haze
I'm amazed that I'm able to function
I'm stuck in between an unthinkable junction
That makes me wonder if life is all its cracked up to be
I sit in darkness with my hands over my forehead
And let the pain and my brain duke it out
I pass out from exhaustion never to find out who wins
Great battles happen between my eyes
And believe me
These explosions look better in movies
My vision goes in and out like when you blink rapidly
Clear
Blurry
Distorted
I don't even know what I'm looking at anymore
They say when you fall you should get back up
Believe me if my body remembered gravity I would stand on my own two feet
Without questioning the laws of physics
I could just stand without thinking the world was wobbly
Brain damage will hopefully damage the memories that I hold
Because a little memory loss might do my heart some good
This concussion does not play around
Each day makes me lose ground
My emotions plummet and then sore to the sky
Light and noise make it so my thoughts freeze and my heart skips a beat
Whatever is going on in my head
Won't let me sleep
Writing this was a struggle
My writing is becoming painful

What I've learned about death
Is that it can creep up on you
And steal your sunshine
Break your windows
And let the cold in
It can leave you devastated
To the point where you have to rebuild

What I've learned about life
Is that its the biggest blessing
The greatest gift
If you do it right
It can leave you totally satisfied
With the wind at your back
Only pushing you forward

What I've learned about death
Is that there are terrible ways to go
That make it seem like someone was worthless
You can find somebody totally unlike themselves
Mangled and bruised
Destroyed on the outside
But worse on the inside

What I've learned about life
Is that it can bring someone amazing
Someone intoxicating to point that it leaves you speechless
Bringing love like it was left at your doorstep
Only to realize that no one has ever made you feel more alive
And life would seem pointless without them
And you have no idea why

What I've learned about death
Is that it took away that special person
Took her without leaving anything for me to hold onto
It exploited her weaknesses
And took advantage
Only bringing heartache
Leaving me nothing but the rest of my life to live without her

I used to think I wasn't worthy of life
And when people heard about my thoughts
They looked at me like I was crazy
As if I didn't know how special I was
Standing alone in the rain
Like I just watched my lover leave and board a train
I looked in the mirror only to see every made up flaw that my imagination could orchestrate
I smiled only to have my eyes change my appearance into a twisted shape I couldn't recognize
My hatred towards myself lead to hatred towards others
I looked at people and thought of every mistake I could think of to match my own
I didn't know how to love myself
People's affirmations of me didn't mean anything
My words towards myself were like swords
And my friends words which I thought would be shields
Were really just medication to numb down what I was feeling
Thinking as long as they saw something more in me
I would somehow change my opinion
I walk down streets and see endless amounts of self confidence
If I had a nickel for every time my parents said something nice about me
I wouldn't have enough to pick myself out of the gutters and wash off
If only I knew sooner that approval from others is like trying to drive a car without gas
You can sit and picture all the places it will take you
But you will never reach any of them
I look in the mirror now to see the person that everyone else sees
Too bad it only took me 18 years to finally love myself

People talk about life like we are guaranteed something
Like we are expected to have something magical
RIP to Kiant'e
RIP to Jacob
Two people who lost the battle before they were even ready to start
My friends
Taken away like they did something wrong
We all know what's coming for us
But the news punches us in the stomach and knocks us down
As if we have no idea what death is
Why did they have to leave so soon
I understand if God was ready to take them
But we weren't ready to lose them
Have they done all they can do
We just have to push through
Life will keep going
Whether we choose to stop or not
We all feel this pain
Day by day everything changes without them
I feel guilty that I have a full life and they don't
I regret the moments I walked passed them
Said nothing
Didn't even smile
Stuck in my own head not thinking about time
**** time
I wish I could go back
But we know its not possible
I just hope they know I love them
I know they are resting easy
So I'll rest easy

I stare at a blank piece of paper
And wait for my mind to go numb
I find it hard to believe that my fresh start is in my reach
I'm moving up in life
No one ever thought that was possible
I've reached the top of my metaphorical mountain
One more step I'll plummet to the bottom
The view is nice from up here
Calm and peaceful
My voyage was not easy
But then again I don't think life would be worth it if it was easy
Blessings are everywhere as long as you keep your head level with your heart
I don't like to think people are beneath me
We all began at the same start
It's where we finish that matters
I use to think I was useless without her
I won't give a name
It would take away from the mystery
But would give away the answer to my history
And if I were to say
Would it reveal anything
Or leave you even more blind
The pain is real
I wonder if I drink as much as you do
My pain would drown in the toxic waters
I won't try again though
That would be too easy for you
I think I want to see the world
At least the beautiful parts
So I guess that means the whole world
I used to think everything was in black and white before there was color TV
Some parts of my life are in black and white
Without color they seem to drag on until I eventually forget them
My childhood must of been in black and white
I don't remember any of it
I hope there is a good reason for that
I'm looking at a clock and part of me thinks time is an illusion
Can we really actually measure it
Or do we just give our best guess
And are yawns actually contagious
Or do we just notice someone doing it and then realize how tired we actually are
Because even though we've somehow measured time
No one ever has enough


I now stare at this paper full of words and wonder if anything I ever say makes sense

I used to think love was easy
I looked at her
She looked at me
Connection
Simple
I used to think love was easy
If she made me happy
Then I obviously made her happy
We didn't make each other happy
We were just along for the ride
I used to think love was easy
Like if I just tried a little harder
We could make it work this time
If I just proved that my love was more than my words
It would be fine
I used to think love was easy
Like on TV
Holding hands and laughing
Hoping that someone was writing a script for us to play out
That way it could seem real
I used to think love was easy
Like it just jumped out in front of us
Saying here I am
I'm yours
This is where you belong
I used to think love was easy
That's why there are so many love songs
We can write them like we know what we're talking about
They seem so true
So real
I used to think love was easy
Until I met you
And I had to try to love you
My words became salty and dry in my mouth
They didn't come easily
Like they should be
I used to think love was easy
Until I fell in love with you

I am from the church that held my family together
From the closet where I placed my roots and set up camp
I'm from my grandma's tough love and fresh chocolate chip cookies
From my father's stubbornness and my mothers mind
I'm from the neighborhood with no kids and mean dogs
I'm from spaghetti on Christmas and midnight mass
I'm from "God loves you as long as you are straight"
I'm from the corner of sarcastic and *******
From bad dreams and good attitudes
I'm from my ability to hold on when I know I should let go
From secret notes and posts expressing judgement
I am from loving hands and healing hearts
From painful memories and fresh starts
I am exactly who I am meant to be because of the experiences given and taken from me