I try to focus on who I will become
Not who I was
I try to focus on where I'm going
Not where I've been
I try to focus on what I've accomplished
Not all the times I've failed
And you look at me with no faith
Trying to act like you made me the person I am today
I wish I wasn't connected to you
I wish I didn't resemble you
Because who I am
That's not because of you
It's because of me
I am who I am
Because I promised myself
That I wouldn't end up like you

I've been told not to rush
Or I'll miss my chance
But when every sprint turns into a marathon
The idea of taking my time just doesn't sit right
And if I'm supposed to make the first move
Please.. let me know
Otherwise we will continue to remain clueless
Because between you and me
I've never been very good at making the first move
We can talk for hours at a time
And my mind
Will somehow forget to inform me that our whole conversation consisted of flirting
If you want me to catch on then you need to write it in the sky
Or leave me a letter with step by step directions
Telling me exactly what you're feeling
So I can translate your secret code and understand
I feel like I'm standing in quick sand
And you are on the outside
I can see you
But the more I struggle to reach you
The deeper I sink
And if I stand still I have a perfect view of who you are
I like how you say you're an open book
And each page is uncharted territory that brings me into your past
The more I read
The more I want to know
Just tell me when you want me to stop
Tell me when I reach a point that was unbearably hard
So I can reach a better understanding of what you've been through
You say your life consists of many books with lots of chapters
Just give me some time and I will have read everything
But you need to tell me
You need to say if I'm moving too fast or too slow
You need to tell me if we are friends or something more
Because I have never been this intrigued by a girl before
And whether or not this goes anywhere
Just let me know if this is going to be a marathon or a sprint
I'll be here if you want me to be here

My mind seems to wander aimlessly
As the clock ticks away
Chips away at my shame that was built up from yesterday
It pains me to see you this way
But if time is our only healer
I'll see you in the future
And hope that your pain has washed away
But until then let me introduce you to today
He is my dear friend
The last of his kind
I hope you don't mind that I'm taking the time to write this out
I only have one doubt
And that's life in it of itself
But why not take the time to thank all of the haters
It sounds cliche but you made me greater
Took every ounce of hope I had and destroyed it
You wanted to feel 10 feet tall
But ended up demoted
So you can take my words to heart
Better yet
Take your words and shove it
I write better when I'm sleep deprived
But with the dreams that I'm having
I'll be eaten alive
Never waste time sleeping when I can be forming words that help bring meaning to everything that had no explanation
Sign this form its a written notation of everything you've taken away
They're not special rights if I'm fighting for the same ones that you already have
It's called equality idiot
As in equal
We're all the same
We might look different but our blood runs the same way
But you must not get enough to your brain
It's sad isn't it
When people would rather be exactly like everyone else in order to be accepted
They give up feeling in order to make others happy
I remember when I was like that
Here's a secret fact
I grew up being told that if I did everything right
The man of my dreams would one day find me
7th grade I looked at a girl and thought I did everything wrong
What was going on in my heart
Was not okay
I didn't know what people would say
Punishing myself
Thinking I could change fate
Lead me away from my faith
And brought me nothing but pain
It's safe to say I didn't understand anything about life
Or that caring about what other people thought only brought people to their knees
So please
Just be you
I'm through trying to make excuses for why I'm not happy
I accept the fact that I've let life drag me down
But look at me now
I can say out loud that I love a girl
People say that when you find yourself you will know it
I think I'll go to bed now
Wake up and look around
Because I've figured everything out

2013
Has made me feel like a survivor
365 days of complete life
And whether or not they consisted of happiness doesn't really matter
Because all you can do is try and prepare yourself for everything that will either **** you or make you stronger
I've seen it all this year
Everything from the ocean to the death of someone I loved
One made me feel like there is more out there in this world
And the other made me realize that love lives in the people that mean the most to you
And every year that passes is a reminder that we are all searching for something
I always made a resolution but never accomplished it
I want to be happy in 2014
Not the kind where I break out into song and dance
But the kind where I look back and smile
The kind where I know that everything will change
Because I will know that the power is in my hands
2013
Helped me cope with everything I didn't want to talk about
Revealed my true ambition to help out
And the loss of my uncle put things into perspective
You can overcome everything with a collective amount of faith and love
I might have struggled more than I succeeded
But I like to think that every obstacle I overcame was an accomplishment
My best friend helped me realize that I can't be happy unless I'm satisfied with the good, bad, and the ugly
And knowing she had my back made every obstacle into a small hurdle
And the only thing stopping me was myself
2013
Showed me that not every year will be perfect
But you can have perfect moments
2014
Will be full of perfect moments
I know who I am
And where I'm going
And life isn't about reaching a certain destination
Its about making little stops along the way
And seeing what's around you

My whole life has consisted of whether or not I should be "here"
And when you ask where "here" is
I can't really tell you
I guess "here" is wherever I feel like going
Or maybe its where I'll figure everything out
And sure I could take pills that alter my sense of happiness
Put something into my system that will somehow make me feel better about my situation
But honestly
I can sit "here" and say that I am thankful for my life
And maybe I have more bad days then good ones
But I would never trade my few good days
With many all because of something changing the chemicals in my brain
And I was made to feel pain
But I can choose how I deal with it
And I might not have the best coping techniques
But believe me
I wouldn't give up my life for anything
My parents always looked at me like something was wrong
Not knowing that every fight they had made me strong
I think I rely on my friends too much
But without them
I wouldn't be where I am
So when I say I don't know if I should be "here"
Don't take it as a sign of depression
I've always found that I'm more happy around certain people
And I'm realizing that very soon I won't always be around those people
I'm scared to lose the ones that I love
And no pill will ever replace the feeling I get when I'm with the people that I love
Whenever I think about leaving
I don't think about leaving this earth anymore
I think about leaving the people who have kept me alive
As much as I need to leave
I don't want to leave them behind

I just seem to fall deeper and deeper
And things get darker and darker
Until I can't even see my hand in front of my face
Even in the brightest of light
And maybe if I get out more
I can pull myself up to where I'm able to function
I'm always in a state of panic
My parents have no faith in me
I start losing faith in myself
My future is the only thing that keeps me going
If it doesn't happen
Nothing will matter
I'll have to stay in a place that makes me go insane
My parents will be right
And I will have failed
I start to lose my confidence
And just pray that I can make it
I take all the chances I can get
The biggest risk
All odds are on this Scratch and Win card
I've come too far
My future is in my sights
Almost in my hands
The only thing holding me back
Is the fact that I might not get in
And people won't understand
Ask if I have a backup plan
You see my life has consisted of coming so close
But then having my feet swept up from under me
The universe dangles all of my dreams right in front of me
But never let's me hold them
What's my backup plan
I can't stand in the shadows anymore
I'm sure that this is it
I've overcome every obstacle in order to win
I will climb out of my hole
Into the cold world
And embrace all of my struggles
Because they made me
I could be dead
But that would mean giving up on everything that has yet been discovered

I lie awake
And think about everything I hate
Everything that relates
To my past
Old habits coming back
And I have to adapt
To the overwhelming amounts of self hate
The new scars on my arm
Tell me that I've come a long way
They will eventually go away
And then I can focus on each day
My thoughts and my feelings
Happen to be two different things
My thoughts control my feelings
But my feelings cause my thoughts
So I ought to reevaluate my life choices
Even though I don't have many
Only ones I regret
And then you come along
And make my heart strong
I can't help but feel like the universe owes me one
Or two
Or three
I'm not picky
I just want something extraordinary
To make up for all the holes that are left of me
Maybe I over think things
I try not feel
But think too much to makes sure that everything is real
I'm thinking myself into depression
Regression
Every thought leads to violent expression
And I just need someone to look at me
And say that I'm okay
My thoughts lead me away from anything that involves positivity
Just say that you believe in me
And that you will never leave me
Why sleep when I can think
Why think when I can sleep
Maybe if I think about sleeping it will happen
Everything around me slowly becomes everything that's hurt me
I don't want to die
I just need to find a reason to stay alive