you are sunflowers and summer rain.
you speak softly "we could have a place"
of our own, in the woods, in the meadows,
built of wood and built of love, built of us.

the cottage: cozy, us: all tangled up
and holding hands, what's yours is mine,
so you stole my hoodies and my heart.
our walls are covered with notes and art.

each night we talk under the covers,
you and i, we smile and pass the time.
i grab your hand and you hold mine,
i want this peace until the end of time.

somehow you found me and it was like-
pomegranate suns i could swallow.
i haven't been loved like this in a long time.

i remember when she first smiled sweetly,
danced lightly, and kissed my sour lips
and she said she loved me, but i knew the truth-

she intended to use my body like how mom scoops
out red melon flesh from a rind, to pierce my heart
with black pins and eyes that never looked right.

she whispered secrets to me and found my own.
exploited my nature and soon i was hitting her across the cheek.
she said she liked it and maybe she did, but i was crying.

when i try to speak it all comes up in tangled string
and people don't believe me, even when they can see it.
how could god make me a vessel only to be dissected.

now you're here and i can't even touch you without
flinching, without feeling a phantom fire of the pains
past "lovers" ignited, without a spark, a match.

you have a dark past, twisted through violet fumes.
so do i, but only a reflection of the pages in your book.
i'm tired of living with trauma, when we haven't moved in together.

1am, your floppy hair, freshmen on the dorm floor
debating theology as if we knew what it was
and i saw your mind, but i also saw something more

and i saw you all over
in colorful flowers, sunny days, old churches
i heard your voice
while watching anime or listening to tales of ole'
and sometimes even when i sat alone

your endless search for perfection intimidated me 
building up a dream of a woman
i'm not sure either of us will ever meet
and i wasn't her
i knew i never would be

but i remained in your orbit nonetheless
desperately compartmentalizing my heart from my head
as if friendship was enough
as if i wasn't in love

and i wrote about you anyway
as if our story could end happily
rain boots dancing in a puddle
a jubilee of you and me

when i finally said the words to you
i made them so much smaller
"i have feelings"
the confession of a coward

and as you answered my exclamation with a question mark
i retreated
maybe friendship is enough
maybe i'm not in love 

you wanted to know you meant something
but i kept my breaking heart to myself
trying to salvage what we were
hoping my declaration hadn't destroyed it 

but i was destroyed
and i had been so good at hiding it all away
that i still sometimes find another broken piece
the remnants of rejection
the love i can't quite extinguish

Mind has no parts,
yet it breaks down often.