I looked
in the mirror
yesterday

Some birthdays
you wake up
and time
doesn't feel like it's moved
for you,
but when I looked
at my reflection
yesterday,
I knew
time has moved
for me

My eyes have grown
ever more piercing
because I have captured
monsters and madness
in the jungles
of my mind

My hair, darker than ever,
shows few gray hairs
and I know that the years
will start to blur
into one quick flash

I only hope I can see
the days before they go

My face, as a whole,
has broadened maturely
and I am not the boy
I used to be

I am not a boy

The days of childish things
are behind me,
and the stark realities
of the world
have affected me
deeply

It is time, now
It is time for me
to live the life
I want to live

It is time for me
to find happiness
and breathe life
into dreams
I've sheltered
behind fears and faults

I am not a boy

Silence

A pain ****** my left arm
and I open my eyes

I am lying
in a wasteland,
wasting away

A vulture's beak presses
deep into a mangled flesh wound
made above
my right pectoral muscle

I feel the eyes
of the vulture,
staring into me,
and I feel connected
to it

I think,
if this is the end
of everything,
then I suppose
it's not the worst
way to go

The vulture picks at me,
cleaning my innards
with it's bloodied beak
I feel nothing
Nothing inside me,
nothing beyond
me to envision

These days
are silent,
albeit my screaming voice,
and I wonder
if the atmosphere
trembles subtly
while my lungs
collapse

Light is only in my eyes
reflected by the memories
I'd walked through
in my years,
and the trees
that line
my path
bend
I break

There is little solace
in this heavy heart
knowing it has been beaten
and beating
for something
more
With the vulture
having emptied
my decomposing body,
we fly

I'm the invisible man
I'm the ugly duckling
I'm that kid who dresses up like Aquaman
When the rest of my friends dress like the
Justice League
No, it really feels like this
It feels like I got hit by a car
On a back road of some lesser known town
And the driver kept on driving
My body's lying in some
Sagebrush beyond the guardrail,
Twitching
My breathing is becoming shallow,
Broken,
And it's fading quicker than I'd like
I've got crimson blood pouring out my nose
And my head throbs
Like the beating of hearts that would never beat for me
My bones are wrapped around one
Another as if their comfort would bring
Any to my splintered soul
Headlights, taillights
They're all just lights that will never set my pathetic frame aglow
So, I lie in sorrow that I never stood up in the crowd
My tongue tastes the bloodied mess
Of dislodged teeth that fumble in my mouth
I realize that I never had a voice
I couldn't tell God to leave me alone
Because in the end of it all,
I never wanted to be left to myself

I have a poetry compilation that is available for purchase.
Not many are purchasing it, though.
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Don’t catcall after her
as a means of substituting
a compliment she’d rather hear
Don’t objectify her body
or her thoughts
and think you can make them
your own, because you can’t
She is a fortress of neurons
standing strong with wires crossed
like barbed fences to keep
out swine aiming to satiate
the desires in both heads
Don’t say you wish you lived
in a time where bigotry,
misogynist perspectives,
and gender were divided
by a pedestal and the floor
you think she should clean for you
Wash your mouth with acid
and let it melt away your tongue
Digest the flesh like a wolf tearing
away at the carcass
of some fresh, bloodied prey
Pray that she who brought you
into this world doesn’t trample you
beneath the weight of her stiletto
as it gouges your cheekbone
She is the one
who carried your monstrous form
inside her caving bones and muscle
She fed you before you
could even open your mouth
to digest the filth
that some high and mighty male
forced down your throat
She is not a ****** object
of your fantasies and fallacies
about how your breed of idiocy
is somehow superior
to her own power
She is a woman, and she will stand
with you or above you
Never shall she stand below
your pathetic gaze
you could never be
If any words be spoken
with the utmost sincerity,
let them be these:
“I’m sorry.”

I am the architect
of possibilities
built from confidence
and my kingdom
shall stand
strong
among the crashing waves

I am the artist
painting the canvas
of my life in colors
not seen on Earth
because I am of the ocean
and planets
across the universe

I am the poet
writing lines on my palm
so that when these hands
touch another's,
that person may know
my truth

I am the present
to this life, given
from my mother
and father
so that I may learn
to help
stand up
those who have fallen

I am the breath,
the pulse, the beat,
the cry, the laugh,
the smile, the embrace,
and I will continue
to build this paradise
until the flags
atop these towers
may be seen
from galaxies
beyond the naked eye

I am alive

Your brother was sitting in the car across the parking lot.
He flicked the headlights on and off to bother you, but it didn't.
You focused your thoughts and whispered in my ear,
"I love you."
You looked like an angel with those headlights beaming against your cheek in the darkness.
I pulled you against me.
"Good, because I love you, too."
I softly spoke those words in the cold, quiet air between us.
I couldn't stop smiling, even as we both drove our separate ways leaving the parking lot.
I swear the stars shined brighter that night.

I think it's best to be yourself
In a world full of people
That tell you that you can't be who you
Are
Prove them wrong
Show them that you can become
Anthing
Anything in this world that brings you
Down
Is something you have to use as a
Strength
Be stronger than the weakest of minds
Tell yourself you are beautiful
Tell yourself you are wonderful
Tell yourself you are perfect
Tell yourself you are right
It's difficult to be assured
That you are everything you should be
In the end, all we ever want is
Happiness
People say to make better choices
People say
"Don't make the mistakes I did"
I'm not you
I won't ever be anyone other than
Myself

The truth is this: I am lost
I don't know what to do now
The worst part is that I have cost
Myself and my dreams; I scream out

Take it all
God
Take every ounce of what I am
Let me fall
God
Nothing can save me this time
I’ve knelt down before you on several occasions
You ignore me
I swear to you
That’s a sin, isn’t it?
I don’t think you’re listening
Break me down
God
Stand over me mockingly
Show the world what I’ve become
God
A pathetic excuse for a human being
I whispered sweet nothing in your ear
I said I loved you
You never responded; no, you never spoke a word
Perhaps ignorance is bliss
Silence me
God
Maybe silence would work best
Burn me through and through
God
I’m cold and empty
I’m on my knees again, here
I’m looking up while you look down
Can you see the tears?
God?
Can you see inside I’m dying?
Let me disappear
God
Let me fade into the void
**** my dreams
God
For I’ve mourned before,
And I know how this life goes
We live and we die
We’re supposed to make a change in the world, somehow
Maybe change would happen if you came down off your throne
God?
Do you exist?
God?
Why haven’t you shown up?
What have you been doing all this time?
God?
Do you think I’m giving up?
Maybe you’d be right
Maybe I’ll hold on
Maybe just tonight
I’ll fight until the dawn
Give me hope
God
As you can tell, I’m so confused
Please, let me disappear
God
Maybe I could find you in the emptiness
Should I hold on to what I’ve yet to receive?
Perhaps there would be hope in the unknown

Say I'm not going to make a living
Financially or happily off  of writing poetry and fiction
Say it
Tell me how you think I see the world
Tell me how you think I should
I know who I am inside
I've fallen on the concrete and
Blacked out, seeing blurred visions
Of a night sky I'll never see
Because I'm too wrapped up
In my blankets and worries
To care about how beautiful
The stars are in their flawless
Choreography
I think, sometimes
Not all the time, though
Sometimes, I wonder
I wonder why you make me into
Some image of naivete
I wonder why you act
Like I'm some lost puppy
Who is aching for a bone
I'm just looking for a home
Because my bones are shattered,
Battered down by the insults
And results of you judging me
I'm so, so weak
Say I'm not going to make a living
Financially or happily off of writing poetry
Say it
Tell me how you think I see the world
Tell me how you think I should
I know who I am inside
I know who I am
I know

This is not a poem, structured by grammar and sound. No, this is an invitation to connect with fellow poet enthusiasts. I created a poetry compilation titled "Look to the Sky". It is for purchase on Lulu.com and costs $9.99 with free shipping. If you could give it a chance and enjoy a reading of poetry that revolves around personal experiences and sentimental values, I would be greatly appreciative of your kindness. For those who would like to buy it, click the add to cart button following the link. Then, click new customer and fill out your address information and billing information. This will not create an account for you, but it lets Lulu know where to send the copies of my book. Thank you all so much for being there to support me as I evolve my writing more! I hope you enjoy!

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Let it be known
That the devil at home
Is a harbored, broken past

Let it be known
That the angels afloat
Convey the love that I have cast

Let it be known
That wherever I go
I am true to the seconds passed

Love is taking a chance
Love is telling your greatest fears without hesitation
Love is listening to the whispers of thankfulness in the quiet air
Love is waking up and feeling alive
Love is committing yourself to another with a sincere heart
Love is worrying about their safety on the way to work
Love is showing one another how you feel through honest words and a gentle touch
Love is living for the seconds of time that are so poignant you wish to relive them over and over
Love is difficult at times, but wholly worth it all the time
Love is sharing everything with you because you are everything to me

I've lost friends
before
I'm used to people leaving
I'm used to pain
I'm used to loneliness

Maybe this is all poetic *******

Maybe I'm a lost cause
But, maybe, just maybe
I care about you more than anything
because I've had friends
self-harm,
wrap ropes around necks,
wrap cars around trees,
and I wouldn't wish
that on my worst enemy

I speak poetic *******

I speak
for the wounded
and for those
whose voices
are drowned in the words
of those who say
"I'm fine."
when everything
is falling apart
around them

This is poetic *******

This is me
writing words out
because my heart
bleeds
for the ones I love,
I'd rather my blood
spill on a page
than from my wrists

I am the epitome of poetic *******

I am alone
I am weak
I am your best friend
I am scared
I am imperfect
I am everything and nothing
I am alive

I write poetic *******

I write poetic *******
because someone
out there in this ****** up world
will read it and feel
something, anything,
and I hope
it breathes life into their lungs
and they inhale
the world around them
for the first time

This is not poetic *******
This is life

Red is the color she blushes when I tell her how genuinely adorable her laugh is.
Yellow is the color of the sun that enhances her angelic personality.
Green is the color of the grass that sways beneath her feet, graced by each footstep.
Blue is the color of sadness, almost palpable, when she can't find the right words to say.
White is the color of everything beautiful that circles her soul.
Brown is the color of her coffee eyes, warming me like no other could possibly do.
Black is the color, absent of her cruelty, as she has none to fool me.
Oh, she lives in colors.

Tracing your tongue along my lips
Cover my skin with fingertips
Oh, the ecstasy of touching me
Even softly, gently, carefully
It is then that I realize how alive I really am

Walking beside you
Beneath skies, blue
Oh, the peace surrounds
The sounds and circles we round
They make me crave the sweetest moments

She holds the shape
Of a heart
In her shaking hands
The monitor beeps slowly
Slowly, she extends
The heart to the space
Between us
The beeping sound ceases
I leave and,
Between us,
We never needed words

I hold you on my fingertips
Oh, love of mine
I feel your kiss upon my lips
Chase wine with wine

I'll bleed red, pink, and white
wherever the candles burn
Light up the night
and make this blessed world turn

I feel you searing in my lungs
Trace my skin
with a gentle tongue

Oh, love of mine
Chase wine with wine

I hold you on my fingertips
Oh, love of mine
I feel your kiss upon my lips
Chase wine with wine

I saw him sitting in his chair in the corner of the room
He was catching up on sleep lost driving beneath the moon
Grandpa was a truck driver
Oh, he was always on the road
Until God said one day, “William, my son, it’s time to go”
I came home from school one day to see my mother’s face so red
The doctor’s said they found something
Found something in grandpa’s head
I refused to believe this
As God opened Heaven’s door
My mother spent so many nights screaming and crying
I felt so depressed because her father was dying
They say cancer spreads real fast and it will be over soon
But it wasn’t fast enough
It was a fight I knew he’d lose
My family torn asunder by the empty seat at the table
I wish we could smile and move on
We just weren’t able
All of us who were left never stopped to wonder why
The Lord came along and took him to the sky
It’s been a couple of years since he disappeared
I see his life in photographs
I choke up and let loose the tears
Grandpa was a truck driver
He drove beneath the moon
And then he left with his last breath
Someday I’ll see him again and we’ll be a family
We’ll talk about the years we missed
Driving down the highway

Your voice,
Ah, it lures and seduces
My resistance is useless
Confused, yes
I come closer
My heart bolstered
Up high on a pedestal
My feelings run
From the space in between
To the space in your dreams
This is sweetly irresistible
Sweetly, I embrace you whole
And we are one

Looking into your light, beautifully brown eyes
Tell me that you love me like I love you
Because nothing else compares to the sweetest truth

Inside there beats a pulsing *****
that can't beat strong if you're choking me
I'm joking, please
understand that sadism isn't my thing
I don't know what my "thing" is
because I've never found a passion greater
than bleeding this heart of mine
out on pages for the masses
Masses praise on the seventh day
But, my days are numbered
I'm dying on the inside knowing you're lying
In my eyes, your eyes have been dark
not because of arousal but because of deceit
I can't see your pupils when the darkness floods in
and the darkness floods in often
I find it hard to find the truth
when three-fourths of what you say and do
is deceit and the one-fourth that isn't is my
uncertainty if that one-fourth is really the fourth
part of a string of lies and spewed out cries
for help
Help me, God
Help me figure this all out
Yes, I brought religion into this
because religion's intimate to me
When there's no one who will listen
and no one will offer a hand
I pray for guidance, surviving
by the blood on my hands
I've killed dreams and hopes
with flames and smoke
and arsonists would pardon this
attitude because anyone can understand
that being alone is the worst pain
of all
It's that fact of knowing I'm alone
even when I'm with you
I feel like you're not as attached to
my passions as I am, and you won't let me
be included in your passions
I want to be passionate about something
other than bleeding this heart of mine
out on the pages for masses
because massive waves of concern
have been dragging me under
for quite some time
Now I know what it's like to die drowning
because I've never felt alive enough
to reach my hand to the surface
and grab the future that is rightfully
mine
This heart of mine
has bled too much
and soon enough, I'll
pass out from blood loss
and that loss won't be
the worst
The worst thing I've ever felt
was the loss of my grandfather
and aunt passing away from cancer
Like a cancer, this feeling of being
trapped in myself has been eating
away at me, and some days I don't eat
I don't think I can keep being a part
of that one-fourth you put forth
and that makes me feel like
I've been too blind to see
that seeing the big picture
requires me to take a large step
back and taking that picture
of this heart of mine will tear my flesh
open with the flash of light
A flash of light is something I need
in this darkness, alone
Inside there beats a pulsing *****
that's lost its strength, and I know,
I know I need to escape this mess I've made
This mess has made me a mess of emotions
and only the ocean can pull me down far enough
to see that this heart of mine can still beat
without you

Many are thankful for family friends, as am I
However, above all else I'm thankful
I'm alive

Truth be told, I'm a wanderer
I'm a wanderer in thoughts
But, my feet stay their place

Truth be told, I'm too young
Too young to talk of marriage and family
But, we talk about it, anyway.

Truth be told, I'm not sure what I'm doing
What I'm doing is repetitive
But, it is a cycle I cannot seem to break

Truth be told, I'm afraid
I'm afraid I won't be happy in the future
But, I hold onto hope

Truth be told, I want to travel and write
I want to travel the world around
But, money is next to nothing

Truth be told, life is large and wonderful
Wonderful and scary, too
But, I smile as if to say "I'm okay"

Truth be told, I'm not okay.

I tried.
They failed.
Miserably.
They couldn’t understand me.
Now, I’m going to make them.
This is me, ladies and gentleman.
Take it.
Or, leave it.
Most would leave.
I cried for hundreds of nights.
The tears flooded the mattress.
I was in pain.
I asked for help, but they turned the other way.
Am I diseased?
They think so.
You know, it’s a shame I didn’t figure this out earlier.
I spent too much time in agony as they tormented me.
Physical, psychological, emotional
Whatever the damage was, it left me scarred.
See?
I can show you if you’d like.
In fact, forget asking for your permission.
Here, this is it anyway.
It started as a boy.
I wasn’t normal like the other kids.
What is “normal”, anyway?
I hate conforming.
I was just a young kid running through the grass in his yard.
I kicked the ball around, too.
I often missed the goal.
But, at least I didn’t give up.
I have a large scar on my chest, but not many people know.
But, you don’t ask anyway, and I thank you for that.
It’s not your business, but I know you’re curious.
Everyone is.
It goes one of two ways when someone sees the scar.
Either the person politely asks what happened, or
It goes in the opposite direction.
You see, people nowadays don’t have much tact.
They are always blunt with whatever they ask.
“What’s that scar? It’s weird.”
I was born prematurely.
I don’t expect them to understand.
I managed to survive.
The kids these days are different.
I guess they lost focus on morals when they just **** in games.
That’s such blasphemy.
The world’s a lie.
I grew up different.
The kids in school would always stare at me like I was a freak.
Maybe I am.
I’m not sure what I am, or who I am, for that matter.
I grew up taking all the questions with a half-smile.
Oh, you should’ve seen me on the inside.
I was dying like an infant again.
I cringed a bit more, screamed a bit louder, and hated it all.
I used every curse word possible back then.
I plagued the innocence of the air with my filthy language.
It was just all that built up hate growing worse each day.
No other words could suffice to say I was sick of it.
I was sick of being interrogated.
I was sick of how the world has become a pathetic excuse for the spread of imagination.
I was sick of how technology controls us like robots.
Funny, isn’t it?
Not to me.
It’s disgusting how people **** like life can be recycled easily.
Well, I guess it can.
It’s horrible, really.
Every day is a rerun of the day before.
There’s always the same people, same scene, and it’s boring.
I always get the same headaches listening to repetition.
I want something new.
I want a breath of fresh air that isn’t contaminated.
I don’t want the dramatics of life and loss.
I want to be in a place where peace reigns free.
I want to break the shackles I’ve been bound in.
I want to know I’m doing something right.
I put it all out for you.
I trust you, so don’t be like them.
Please.