“you have reached the voicemail box of 773…”
i remember hearing this almost every time i called
it got to the point where i would leave a message
a slow, long, sad, message because i knew You wouldn't hear it
i cried myself to sleep often
my pillows were the only ones that knew my pain
it's been 9 years now mom
have You forgotten your baby girl?
or has she been replaced with a new colt 45?
i've grown up so much mommy.
i had my fair share of heartbreak and my fair share of loss in only 9 years
but where have You been?
have You even thought of me?
have You replaced me with a new brand of cancer sticks?
or just a simple plain crooked yellow smile?
do You think of me on my birthday?
...because i often find myself wondering where is she?
pleading to my pillows
that i am still that little girl you once upon a time loved so much
...just not so little anymore.
You never saw me when i hit the winning homerun on my high school softball team
or when i got the villager role in Beauty and The Beast
did you know i played softball?
or is it always about your empty bottles?
You never even knew i wrote poetry
let alone it being about...You!
you’ve done it for 9 years now
what’s 9 more gonna change?
there's so much I don't know about you anymore.
but i know one thing...Your life seems to be pretty good without me
so that's ok, i think my life is better off without You
and Your various new hobbies and addictions
so go back to that old rusty liquor store
keep living a life without me
because i will see You in Hell
not because i will be there too
but because i will be looking down on You
with a bottle in your left hand
and a death wish between your teeth
This poem is about my birthmother who left me for beer and cigerettes when i was only 8.