reflections: fantasy is a mystery
                           &   reality holds true beauty
becoming human
the transformation from creature
                                            to woman
this existence is persistently assisting me
as my spine straightens and I grow up
an intellectual with spirit and heart
a conscious awareness for each living
creature, person, plant...
the movement of the world
time, space, distance through wind
a lack of gravity and thin layers
to travel into new skin, new motives
creating new memories to outshine
the grime

I read his poetry like Bukowski
religiously
I spent time drinking and *******

in protest to the aching inside of me
raking through old poems was easier
than writing new ones about the life
I was throwing away, because the
heartbreak was nothing but a wedge
drivingmeclosertothemistakesand
even further from the                       writing

I read his poems like I drink coffee
every morning
that I'm not feeling sick to my stomach
and I choke him down to spit him out
no longer masked or guarded
sparing courtesies
because the mysteries
weren't as mystical
as all the fantasies
used to be saying
it's good to look
and it's a privilege to touch

these lips ache in your absence
yet I haven't learned enough

i swear nothing matters
******* **** means nothing
we mean nothing know what i meen?
so focused on imperfection we never see the golden air waves
so secluded to our own misery that it blows right past us
but its there everything is
waiting for you to look up and notice
all the love in the world swirls around you this very second
but are you too sharp to notice

Fear is keeping me awake
It slowly creeps up beside me
                makes my heart race
                            my pulse quicken
So that I'm at a loss of what to do
                                      where to go from here
And I can't comprehend what might happen
if one day you cease to be in my life
                                   to care how I feel
                                               at all
This fear is forbidding me from sleeping
                   suffocating me
                   preventing me from thinking clearly
                                                      bre­athing properly
                   causing my thoughts to scatter
                                                         ­   become irrational
                                                      ­                    incoherent
                   strangling my heart
I am too scared to sleep because I might dream
about you, or rather a lack thereof
                                   a world in which you don't care
                                                            ­    you don't exist
                                   a time in which I am not on your mind
                                                            ­                  in your heart
This fear is too much for me to bear tonight
                                                     sort through in my mind
I can't quite explain why I am feeling this way
                                           I seem to need you so much
                                                            ­        your hand in mine
                                                            ­                 heart for life
                                           I need you to hear this
                                                            ­      understand me
One thing that I know for certain is that
I need for you to let me know how you truly feel about me
                                                   where we're going to go from here
                                                   what is going on with you
                                                             ­                   with me
                                                              ­                  between us
                                                   if you want me to leave you alone
                                                           ­                       let you go
                                                              ­                    give up hope
This fear is keeping me awake.

In my next life I am going to be a bird
not because I would fly
but because I wouldn't be human.

I wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone
or wonder,
or cry.
(To be honest I don’t know if birds cry – do they?)

I would not think too much
and act too little.

I would make my life simple
as simple as possible.

I would eat
drink
fly.
(I’d FLY a lot)
…and simply live for tomorrow.

I know I’d enjoy every second of it.

UNLESS…

**…unless he wants to become a bird in his next life as well!

Then I am *******.