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AJ Jan 2015
Third time might be the charm.
But unlike a cat
I don't have nine lives,
To test out this theory.
AJ Dec 2018
It’s like the lights have gone out
I’m frantically trying to remember the exact position
Of everything that’s ever crossed paths with my existance.

This isn’t Pangea anymore.
Too drunk for this?
AJ Jan 2014
**** me hard and sweet and look me in the eye as I
Come to the see that being who I want isn't a
Race me to the front steps of our
Home is not always an accurate word for a physical
Place the picture of me in my cap and gown between the past and
The future us will realize that you're never too your for
Love thy neighbor as yourself is really much harder than it
Seems can fall apart but nothing ever stops you from stitching new
Ones enough sometimes, but sometimes four shots seem
Better I tell you I love you now, then wait till
Tomorrow nothing is holding me back from
Living day to day never had much appeal, I'd rather live from me to
You don't see that your daughter is suffocating because you can't let
Go with me to the moon, to the stars, and
Back then, I never really cared.
I still don't.

You can count the stars as many times as you want
But you are the earth and I am the moon.
And I will never stop revolving around you.
AJ Dec 2013
I wasn't taking advantage of her vulnerability.
It certainly was not a pity ****.
She was crying, and clinging.
It was the only way I knew of
To make her feel good.
To give her a release.
Does that make me a good man?
What makes a man?
I don't know.

It is never an issue,
Until it is uttered out loud.
Now we both know
That she will open her legs before she opens her heart.
I'll told her that is stupid,
And that she is not stupid,
But still beautiful.
Does that make me a good man?
What makes a man?
I don't know.

I'd make her mine if I could.
As far as she's concerned,
She belongs to the weeds on her front lawn.
When she was five and three fourths she picked a dandelion,
And her father told her no matter how pretty it looks,
It will always be bad,
It will always be toxic inside
She never got over that.
So now she looks very pretty,
But she fills herself with ***** and ******* and all things
Toxic.
AJ Oct 2013
We secretly like the fact that we have a ****** government.
It gives us an acceptable outlet to
Obsess,
And rant,
And pour our anger into,
And argue over,
And be passionate about,
But mostly complain.
Don't get me wrong.
If the government was perfect
We'd just find something else.
AJ Oct 2013
It's hard to pretend not to be offended
By someone you respect
And love more than anything,
More than the moon,
Telling you that you're bad
At something you know you're amazing at.
I'm sorry it all doesn't rhyme in an AABBCCDDEE
Ballad formation.
I didn't know it made me a bad poet.
To try to make people feel things with what I write.

Do you all think my poetry *****?
Because I don't think I write it for any of you anyways.
Am I sorry for that?
AJ Apr 2023
It’s 7pm,
Late-August,
Late 2000s,
Massachusetts.
I’m lying on the carpet.
My door is locked.
CDs are playing.
I am safe for now, but not for long.
My windows are open and the sound of crickets is competing with my ceiling fan.

The air is sickly sweet, and slightly smokey, and suffocating, in a way only late August can bring.
Like a death and a new beginning, colliding head on.
Bending and breaking everything in its path against their will.
You go where I make you go.
You move how I make you move.
You do not complain.

It is grief, and fear, and pure apathy.
Disconnection and misdirection.
Negotiation and disassociation.

I am the only person on earth.
No one else exists.
I do not cry out in pain.
No one is there to hear it.
AJ Aug 2015
A- She is just like me. A leader. A strong, independent, bisexual woman, she controls the alphabet from this end, and everyone respects her.

B-He's a nice guy, a bit pretentious, but nothing too special. The first time I saw Friends, I new that Ross was literally the letter B incarnated.

C- B's best friend, goes by male pronouns, but is gender fluid sometimes. He is much more genuine than B.

D- One of A's closest friend. She is cool, and kind of like a bad *** English teacher.

E- A ****. Your typical school bully. He's dating D.

F- E's wing-man, but like the stereotypical wing-man, he is kind hearted, but too much of a shy follower. And he likes D.

G- H's brother. Good student, slightly over weight, and just as homosexual as his sister.

H- The "mom" of the friend group. She is smart and supportive. My favorite lesbian of the alphabet.

I- A real cool dude. Spiky hair and sunglasses. He likes to lean against brick walls and just look cool. Very cool.

J- He is K's best friend.

K- She is J's best friend.

L- He hangs out with M, but not too much because he really isn't found of her littler sister N. He's too much of a wimp for my taste.

M- She is a really independent confident girl. She goes on double dates with O, P, and her sister N. She has a side thing going on with the letter A.

N- She lives in the shadow of her sister. She kind of reminds me of my own sister.

O- He is P's best friend, and always tells him what to do. He reminds me of E, but they've never met.

P- Let's O push him around. He hangs out with O, M, and N. But his true love is Q.

Q- She is quiet, but strong. She is madly in love with P. They sneak out together a lot. She has over protecting parents.

R- She is the leader of the Q-R-S friend group. A transgender and asexual bad ***. She supports Q and P, but not S and T

S- Tries to listen to her older friend R, but is just a good kid making bad decisions. She has a HUGE crush on both T and U.

T- Loves U. Strong male, plays football and works at a car wash.

U- She's a princess. Very quiet and polite. In a relationship with T, but I don't know her true intentions.

V- U's older sibling. A-gender and a CEO of some big business.

W- Same personality as H, but not as motherly, and bisexual.

X- The third wheel to the X-Y-Z clan. Also agender, and really just a fly on the wall. They sees a lot, but really don't like to socialize. But they really like going to the zoo.

Y-  Z's beta. Her best friend, and wife. They are ride and die ******* for life.

Z- Just like A. Exactly like A. Only she is in a committed relationship with Y. She controls the alphabet from this end, and everyone respects her.
AJ Aug 2013
When I was little,
I spent my summers in Maine.
You could not pull me out of the ocean.
The ocean was practically my best friend.
We were very close.
And I had a boogie board that I named paul.
And we would spend the whole day in the water.
That's ******* weird.
AJ Jan 2014
Are you telling me,
That no one ever shamed little red riding hood?
She was ***** by that wolf.
And as much as you call him
The villain,
The antagonist,
The evil.
You say that she was foolish,
And gullible,
And irresponsible.
Of course.
She was a CHILD.
You all write off the wolf as bad.
Just **** him.
He is evil by nature.
No one cares.
You don't even give him a single thought.
But you tell your children
Don't explore the world on your own,
And don't trust new people,
And DON'T get *****.
Can you even **** shame a child?
She was ASKING for it?

I'm disgusted.
Don't teach little boys not to be vicious WOLVES,
Just teach little girls not to be trusting and care free Little Red Riding Hoods.
And if you think this is just about this story,
I'm even more disgusted in you.
Wake up.
WE are society.
AJ Jun 2013
I was always weirdly rebellious as a child.
As a teen I never pierced my tongue,
Snuck boys over the house,
Or stole candy bars from the convenience store.
Not me, when I was little
I would refuse to take my naps.
I'd fake sleeping and then sit there and hum to myself,
Waiting for my matka to come back and check on me.
I cut my own bangs,
Even when I was five.
Even when I was five the day before school pictures.
Matka wasn't pleased.
I didn't want to learn the Polish I was being taught.
I wanted to be different.
I didn't want chocolate milk like everyone else.
I wanted plain milk,
Not sweet milk.
Everyone liked sweets.
I didn't like the sun,
Because everyone liked the sun.
I liked the rain.
I wanted to be different.
My favorite word was podnóżek.
Do not be fooled,
It is nothing pretty.
It means footrest.
I liked it because it was different.
I wanted to be a rebel.
The coolest rebel of all.
One who fakes her naps, cuts her hair, drinks plain milk, and enjoys the word footrest.
The coolest rebel of all.
AJ Dec 2013
I'm loved by a great man,
And he is mine and only mine.
I am very smart,
And I am aware of it.
Don't even think of crossing me.
My eyes burn holes
In those who won't
Give me what I want.

But I'll never be happy.
I'm a martyr,
And a patron saint.

I've been used and thrown away.
My first girlfriend tried to die,
And it was all my fault.
Everyone knew it.
My virginity was stolen
On a pool table at 1 am.
I lost the child I created
With the love of my life.
I knew every swear I know now
At the age of three.
I don't know who'***** me harder.
The drugs.
The boys.
My parents.

I'll never let go.
I'm a martyr.
I'll be a patron saint.

"Broken and lame.
Absolutely insane"
AJ Mar 2015
It's kind of like staring into space.
You're not looking at anything,
But it's not as if you're looking at nothing.
And everyone around you is still moving around
Rolling in the grass
And laughing and living.
It's the last day.
No one even notices you stop
For just a few seconds.
A moment of contemplation.
No one will catch you on it.
Not even me.

And your hands wrap around
Under my thighs,
Around my hips,
And grab my stomach.
Trying to pull me closer,
And it's kind of funny to see you watching me.
So I grab your hair in my fists.
And fake it,
So I can steal my moment of contemplation.
You're lost in me,
You'll never catch me.
AJ Feb 2015
There was so much building up,
I was expecting more of a rocket launch.
But I was wildly mislead.
It was more of a wipe out.
And now I'm stuck.
Half in the snow bank,
And half in the middle of the road.
Either way I'm backing up traffic.

How fitting.
AJ Aug 2013
I never saw the shadow of a tree,
And thought it was a person.
This is quite a letdown to me.
The closest I got was thinking
That my boot was actually my cat.
I wish I could find away to tell myself I'm beautiful.
I didn't know it then,
But I did self harming before I knew what it was.
Back when I was six or seven.
I started bruising myself when my house got loud
With swearing and yelling and
The occasional smack across the face,
And the loud drunken verbal lashings.
I'd sit behind my door,
And hold myself really tight
And pinch my rib cage all over.
Till I couldn't stand it.
It was a nice distraction.
AJ Aug 2014
I bet your mom used to brag about you
Being a good sleeper,
When you were two months old.

You never sleep anymore.
You just play video games,
Wander the streets at midnight,
And have mindless meaningless ***.

All of that would be fine,
If your life wasn't as meaningless as the ***.
"Sharp as a tack, but in the sense that you're not smart, just a *****"
AJ Sep 2013
My fishy seems to have swam away,
Which is very odd because he lived in a bowl
In the suburbs.
How did this happen?
Here fishy fishy.
I don't want to have to get a new one.
This fishy came pretrained,
And could already do tricks,
The other fishies bore me.
Where's the flattery?
Here fishy fishy.
AJ May 2015
Personal Tragedy has also been
My greatest form of entertainment.

When I was younger
I used to take apart
My retractable pens,
Just so I could put them back together.

I am no different with myself.
But I might have lost the spring.
AJ Nov 2013
Up to a point
We spend our whole lives searching for superman.
He's hard to find,
But his cape isn't completely invisible.
You can see a tiny bit peeking out from his collar.
He's already been about a kajillion people.
A mom who made you
Macaroni and cheese when you're sick.
A teacher who yelled at the other kids
When they said your glasses were stupid.
The little boy who sat with you at lunch
On your first day at that new school.
The big brother who threatened to beat up
The creepy boy who gave you your first kiss.
That first boyfriend who was there
When your cat died sophomore year.
Superman is almost impossible to find.

But then you hit that point.
Remember when I said
"Up to a point"
Well this is the horrible part.
I mean, it's god awful.
Superman gets really annoying at this part.
It's going to make you want to scream.
Just bare with me on this one.

He puts the cape
On you.
Oh yes.
Now you're superman.
Could anything be worse?
Now there is no one to save the day.
Now you must make your own macaroni and cheese,
Stand up for yourself,
Make your own friends,
Deal with your own relationships,
And handle your own emotions.

I bet your mind is churning now.
You see what I mean.
You've probably hit this point.
Now by this point,
I was furious.
I bet you are too.
You see,
You don't want to be superman.
So this is what you do.
You reject the cape.
But unfortunately for you,
Superman used some super glue.
This is permanent.

Ugh, right?
And now you're going to put all of your time
And all of your energy.
Angrily trying to figure out
Who put this cape on your back.
But you don't really want to know who.
What fun would that be
Just to scream it out
And still be left with the responsibility?
It's good to have a faceless name.
What you really want is to be mad.
I know that my favorite game
Is the blame game.
And I'm willing to bet yours is too.

What we really need to do
Are you ready for the plot twist?
Is realize that we were already Superman!
Remember the time
You did your little sister's make up for her first dance,
Or when you stayed up all night on the phone
Listening to your friend vent about her stress,
Or when you picked up the flyers
That the lady at the restaurant dropped in the street,
Or when you lent that kid two dollars
So that he could buy lunch.
Or when you went home for a visit
Just because your mother missed you.

It's been us all along.
Did you see that coming?
I sure didn't.
AJ Aug 2014
I don't have much left for you to take, but I swear, I'll give it all.

Really? Because you said you'd give me the moon, but I guess you don't recall.

I've poured my life into this mess, can't you give me one more chance?

You made promises you never kept, and I'm expected not to take a stance?

You're a ***** and a mistress cruel, but I just can't stop loving you.

Begging is for dogs, but I guess your true colors must bleed through.

All these trips and traps have steered us wrong, but I'm alright if you're with me.

You set all the traps. I did most of the tripping, besides you over your feet.

Don't you remember that one day? When we were joined in the eyes of God?

"Till death do us part", well now I'm dead on the inside, and you're a fraud.

If you truly hate me so, then I'll just have to be on my way.

My things are packed, and my flight is booked. So actually, you can stay."
It's hard to think this is goodbye. Will we ever meet again?

Hopefully not. You were always the wrong clichés.
Collab with the lovely Spencer Dennison, linked below.
http://hellopoetry.com/spencer-dennison/

If you could not guess I was the heart-breaker.
AJ Feb 2014
I could be rioting the abominations
Of homophobia and sexism.
Being an activist.
Helping changes occur.
Doing good for myself, my friends, the whole country.

And I'm here.
Studying rocks under a microscope
To fill a ******* lab requirement.
Doing psychology research.
WHICH MAKES NO SENSE BECAUSE I AM A MATH MAJOR.
Waking up every morning with more debt on my shoulders.

I could be out saving lives,
Or seeing the world
Or starting a family
Or creating things that bring people joy
Or making people happy
Or making changes.

And I'm here.
Picking a career field that will make me a lot of money
For the soul purpose of paying off my two hundred thousand dollars in student loans.
I didn't realize I had other options when I started school.
But I am in so financially deep right now
That I literally have NO other options.
This is how they get you, kids.
Don't follow in my footsteps.
Because you'll ******* hate your life.
AJ Jul 2013
I've been stuck reading a deranged book
Where twelve year olds are *****,
And a small child is more philisophical than my professor.
It makes me want to become "Manda and the Giant Peach".
But instead I grab a steak knife and a peach from the fridge.
I listen to the rain on the tin roof.
It is a deafining constant.
It's the soundtrack to infinity.
Every other time you blink
You're naked in a bathtub in a mental institution,
With some lady named Mrs. White
Looking down at you as you throw a fit.
I throw good fits.
I hate to blink back to my peach and my knife and my book.
I might as well just throw another fit
And throw the peach away.
Oh Mrs. White?
AJ Jun 2015
It's weird,
Ya know?
It's just really ******* peculiar.
Please don't even turn around.

Coping mechanisms are a real joke.
Yours make me laugh
Extra specially hard.
AJ Jun 2016
Ocean water tears.
Fast food french fries.
Abnormal Psychology.
Reset to Default.
Mike's harder black cherry lemonade.
Hotel mini bars.
AJ Jun 2013
I feel very cute.
With my hello kitty **** shorts,
And my big grey hoodie,
Hiding under my generic snuggie.
My hair smells like an expensive french wine,
And my black painted fingernails have been
Chipped by injustice and carelessness.
But it makes no difference.
I only know how to play the victim,
Or a sad, scared little girl.
This is a new role for me.
And I find it ironic,
That your method of comforting me,
When I am distraught and distressed,
Is to rest your head on my shoulder.
Do I follow your examples?
It doesn't feel raw enough.
So now what do I do?
AJ Jun 2013
Sometimes I wonder if I like being tragic
And utterly and mysteriously broken.
I can't decide if I'm beautifully tragic,
Or tragically beautiful,
Or just a ******* selfish wreck.
AJ Aug 2013
I can temporarily cure your depression with my tongue.
It is a science I have been studying for several years.
Close your ears and listen with your lungs instead.
Take a deep breath.
Experience the silence of the busy street.
Whatever you do,
Do not tell me I'm not Superwomen.
It's dangerous to wake a sleep-walker.
AJ Oct 2013
I was like ice floating on water.
At first I was above it all.
I knew what would happen.
As time went on
I fell apart.
I melted under pressure.
I faded into the crowd.
AJ Oct 2014
WHAT THE **** IS GOING ON.
Why am I blocked and unfollowed.
Numbers changed.
You have a new boyfriend?
You hate each other now,
And then I'm just....What?

I literally have no clue
And I want to say that I couldn't care less.
Or some poetic **** about sadness
Or nostalgia welling up in my throat.

But I honestly just want to know
What the **** is happening.
But no one is going to fill me in.

I'm out.
Whatever.
AJ May 2015
I'm so drunk
But I don't feel confused.
Love me.
I promise I want you.
AJ Mar 2014
I understand how you're always so uncomfortable.
You're a star
Trapped in this tiny frail little body.
I don't understand how you are not bursting at the seams.

I understand how you're always so sad.
You have an entire galaxy to get back to.
Gazillions of light years to explore,
And you're just stuck in this miniature bubble.

I understand how you're always so quiet.
If you opened your mouth
All of your light would come shining out and blind every.
You are very considerate for not doing so.
AJ Jul 2013
I am not a big fan of people getting tired of me.
Time to find a new toy, I guess.
AJ Apr 2018
I  can't seem to turn this potential energy into kinetic.
What do they call a speeding ticket when you're going too slow?
It's equally dramatic and pathetic.
I know it's not right, but I try not to think about you.
It's unfortunate the mind doesn't have more concrete limitations.
AJ Mar 2015
I feel ice cold and a bit cloudy.
Like mango juice and *****.
Adulthood? Do you mean spending forty dollars on carrots, milk, and shampoo and then crying.
AJ Sep 2015
You two nauseate me,
And I hardly know you.
AJ Dec 2016
It's not enough.
AJ Aug 2013
**** me.
Or I will.
AJ Feb 2014
Idk
Maybe I got drunk
And ate a dove ice cream bar
In th shower
Becasue i am an adult
and I Make my own decisions
AJ Jul 2020
Your reactions create factions like fractions,
When we can’t afford anymore division.
Tow the line.
Read your line.
Get in line.
AJ Aug 2014
No one will play you like I did,
Honey bee.
You're fine, but you used to be great.
AJ Dec 2013
I'm sorry, really.
It's just getting very cold.
I want to let go.
AJ Oct 2015
I have this dream that I'm a failed 1940's housewife.
And I can't get this image out of my mind.

I swear I left the iron on,
The sink is overflowing,
The roast it burning,
The twins are crying,
The washing machine is pouring out suds.
And my husband gets home....
It's a mess.

He tries to put me in my place,
Apparently I must be submissive.
He tries to **** me in the kitchen
To prove his possession of me.
I yell and scream and
When he doesn't stop....
The knives were just.....
Too close to my end of the counter.

My lawyer pleads insanity.
I just plead.
"The invention of the ship was the invention of the shipwreck."
AJ Aug 2014
I just feel really guilty.
I feel really sad.
I feel really pointless.
And when I used to get upset
I just wanted someone to hold me
And comfort me.

Now I don't want that.
I don't want to be tragic.
I don't want to be anything.

I finally feel again.
And everything is so temporary.

Do you know what my mother
Told me the other day while
I was at her house?
She thinks the apocalypse is coming.
My mother is logical and wise
And smart and has never once
Said anything of the sort.

And she was completely serious.

And I'm not saying I believe her.
Because I don't,
We all have our own beliefs,
And I really respect that.
Mine aren't solid, but mostly scientific.

But that is not the point.

The point is that nothing is solid.
Everything is changing and temporary.
But change isn't a constant.
Don't ever let anybody tell you that.
Somethings always change,
Somethings never will.

Everything is a great big mess.
I am a great big mess.
And this is my ramblings.
I think my cat is dying. For this reason alone, I'm feeling increasingly guilty about leaving home.
AJ Dec 2014
I'm not sure what it means this time.
But the air is a bit more melancholy.
Honestly, what has any of this ever meant?
AJ Jan 2014
This house is burning straight to the ground
And all you can think about
Is that you're "cold now that all the sweaters are destroyed"
"But the embers look beautiful floating by my face."
I guess you took a few too many pills,
And I didn't take quite enough.
It wasn't the flames of justice that engulfed our house.
But it doesn't really matter.
Because that house was not a home.
A home is where I live with someone I love.
So that house was not a home.
Because I didn't love you.
I loved your hips and you ****.
I ****** you and you made me drinks when I got back from work.
I never loved you.
I started the ******* fire to get a rise out of you.
You still don't care.
At least I made you ******* shiver a little.
Like that counts for ****.
AJ Feb 2014
I don't think I've ever heard my father
Tell my mother that she was beautiful.
I'm sure of it.
Never.
There wasn't any positive comments on her appearance.
"Fix yourself up a bit!"
"When are you going to lose some weight?"
"I don't like your hair that way."
When I was sixteen I wrote her a note for mother's day
Telling her that she was genuinely beautiful.
And she cried.

I can't think of any positive comments on my appearance
That either of them spoke to me,
That didn't revolve around losing weight.
And then was only when I was throwing up on a daily basis.
Pocketing lunch money,
And measuring out one cup of cheerios every day
That I eventually stopped eating,
And starting storing in gallon bags hidden under my bed.
"Are you losing weight, good for you?"
It wasn't even that I looked good.
Or that I looked beautiful.
Or even that I looked healthy.
Just good that there was becoming less of me.
And to keep at it.
And I'm sorry sometime I try to fight you when you say you like my stomach.
I was always told it was unsightly and needed to be smaller.

My little sister listens when they call her fat, that her *** is big, that she needs to lose weight.
Constantly.
Not other kids.
My parents.
She asked me why she didn't have a boyfriend.
She's 15.
She thinks she is fat and doesn't like the way she looks.
I try to corner her every once in a while
And tell her not to listen to our parents.
Tell her that she is beautiful.
That her hair is soft, and her eye brows are flawless, and her tummy is gorgeous.

There has to be someone there to do that for her.
Someone to counter the words of authority.
And tell her that she is gorgeous.
So she never has to meet Ana or Mia.
Because she was average to below average weight
When she was in preschool,
and I in elementary school,
And were put on weight watchers by our mother in the summers.
Maybe because she was never told that she was beautiful.
And it poisoned her.
You're not supposed to hate your body so much that you want it completely changed.

You're supposed to love it so much, that you'll work to make it radiate the love and goodness that you put into it.
AJ Dec 2013
I think I actually try not to be toxic
Try not to be tragic
Try not to be destructive,
Along with its sub category
Self-destructive.

I just do not excel
In trying to feel mollified.
Though I've tried.

I like to drink the waters of insanity.
I can't steer from temptation,
Especially not if it's harmful.
It'll get me killed one day,
I'm sure of it.

After all, Jack and Jill fell down the hill,
And now Jack's in a box
Six feet under.
AJ Dec 2015
I remember you once told me,
Right after I had dyed my hair blonde,
That you liked me better as a brunette.
I don't know why I'm thinking about that now.

I can get drinks for free,
I can tie a cherry stem with my tongue,
I can ****** without touching any part of my body,
I can destroy lives and break hearts.


But one time you told me that you like me better as a brunette.
I feel like we'd have really great passionate ***.

And our angry *** would be even better.
AJ Oct 2014
"Break your neck,
And I will love you.
Like a bird that cannot fly."
I don't know why this resonates with me so much.
What does that say about me?

I wish it had been like this with us.
I didn't break my neck,
You did.
You broke both of our necks.
I guess I let you.
And now neither of us can fly
And we will starve to death,
Because neither of us can leave the nest for food.
Just waiting for the other to die
So we can have a different kind of nourishment.

You died first.
What does that say about me?
AJ Jul 2013
I cooked amazing baby carrots today.
I honestly thought I was going to die.
This is not a joke.
They were so good that I was caught totally off guard.
I was so cared.
It made me want to run right out the front door,
And down the street,
And all the way to Boston.
You could not possibly understand.
If we could control emotions,
We would have done so already.
We'd all be steady.
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