I'm not internally screaming or anything,
If you were going to ask.
Just wandering around the void.
It's not a big adventure.

"Who's using who?
What should we do?
Well you can't be a ****
And a ******* too."

Is it too much to ask for someone to give a ****?
You are not blind.
You can see how ****** up I am.
You all can.
I can't ask for help again,
Because that does absolutely nothing.
Maybe if I stop cutting my legs,
And start cutting my wrists.
Maybe if I get drunk at 8 am.
Maybe if I start doing coke off the kitchen table again,
And waking up at 1 pm,
And staying in all day long.
And leave empty bottles of nyquil around my place,
Just for you to see.
What the **** do I have to do to get some ******* help?

You were told this was perfection.
But isn't it ironic
How that man did not create the universe in seven days,
And you were not born without original sin?
And after that night in the basement
You are definitely no ******.
An attempt at a shotgun wedding
Ends up with a shotgun in your daddy's hand,
A lot of tears,
A few screaming last words,
And the secession from the union.
If I'm being over dramatic you may tell me to stop.
You got an old apartment
Where the thermostat doesn't control anything.
You're crying over the stretch marks,
And he's telling you it's just a permanent reminder
That she was once inside you,
And you guys were one person.
He is giving you a false sense of hope.
He leaves three weeks after Amelia is born,
He runs away with the waitress down at the diner.
She's pregnant too.
It's a boy.
You raise her to the best of your ability,
She is mentally *******.
You do not have the money to take care of her
The way she needs to be taken care of.
You start doing heroine,
You did ******* before you were pregnant.
You end up hitting Amelia every day,
She is only seven.
Your landlord hears you
Screaming at her
When he comes to collect the rent on a saturday morning.
Amelia is taken away.
You are now in the corner.
You're not even crying,
You have drank yourself into a coma.
Congratulations.
You are not waking up.
It's ironic because your ******* name is Mary.
******* it.

I only have one small towel
To stop this entire flood.
Yet you have an entire army
Just to swat one tiny little fly.
Explain to me why this is fair.

I'm too tired to talk.
But we can always
Just stare at each other,
And get drunk in a dimly lit room.
Or not.

Albany Rosaline Smith.
On Mondays Albany went down to the store to get milk.
Her mother always gave her twenty five cents.
Twenty for the milk,
And five for some candy.
All the boys she passed along the way would tell her how she was
Genuinly beautiful.
And she knew it.
Albany was gorgeous.
On her sixteenth birthday she let Bobby Fisher
**** her under the oak tree
Out back in the feild behind the pond.
"You're something special there, Albany,"
He told her.
She knew it was true,
But it was a nice gesture,
So she let him **** her from behind this time.
Albany became Misses Fisher two years later,
Three weeks after graduation.
It was just the thing to do back then.
They had four kids,
And she was a good mom.
Mathilda, Lizabeth, Marcus, and Temprance.
Three of which were Bobby's.
One of which was the town physician's.
Bobby never knew.
He was a mill worker.
He was not very bright.
But Albany was.
Bright and Beautiful.
She died at the age of forty-two.
She was ***** an killed by the doctor.
He was also the mortician,
So no one questioned it.
It was a small town.

I get it.
I really do.
I'm not sorry.
I owe nothing to you.

My mere silhouette would do the trick.
I like to think that at least.
You could tell me that I'm wrong.
But you know it's right.
Doing the wrong thing always feel right,
Until tomorrow morning.

I'm struggling because I think my eating disorder is getting better.
I mean I'm getting better at it, again.
I am not really hungry anymore.
I think it might be the change in scenery I am experiencing.
Enough food for me to binge on.
Enough bathrooms and privacy for me to purge in.
Enough sleeping medicine I can steal.
I think I'll be alright with this.

I'm so angry.
Not at people
But at situations.
If I was angry at the people
That would be quite selfish of me.
I just don't like uncertainty,
Or changes of plans.
I get very sick
And very anxious.
And now I am alone on New Years Eve.
That hasn't happened ever.
And I'm feeling quite pathetic.

You know how they say
That every once in a while
You should just get in your car
And drive somewhere?
It is supposed to fulfill you
And give you joy
And relieve all your worries.
Well I've tried that.
I've tried it about a hundred times.
But the farthest I've ever gotten,
Is out for a cup of coffee.

Before I have a chance
To realize where I ended up on my mystery drive,
My car is in your driveway and
We're lying in bed,
Watching movies,
While we eat pasta salad
And you explain how you love me and my eyes
In between my telling you about something funny I read the other day.
And you rub my back,
Or caress my breast
While I lay my head on your chest
And you listen intently.

I get plenty of fulfillment from that.

I think,
If we ******,
It would be amazing.
And you would fall in love with me.
I'm like giant crashing ocean waves.
And I will pull you under
No matter how well you can swim.
I would enjoy every minute.

It's just one of those miserable nights.
I didn't push people away.
I kicked them out.
I'm hormonal and everyone is bothering me.
I do not know why.
I do not care why.
It is time I let myself be selfish.
It is time I do things for myself beside drinking
And smoking
And crying
And cutting.
And feeling like **** about the people around me.
Am I needed because you want me?
Or is the fact that there is so much change freaking you out?
I can't be here just so you can have a conatant.
Just to reduce your stress level.
I have a stress level too,
In case you were wondering.
Incase you were wondering too.
All I want to do is scream.
And rip out all of my hair,
And jump off a very high building.
I would do it all too,
If I didn't have enough courage,
And valor in me.
I don't care if I come first,
But I don't like to come in last,
And especially when I don't come in at all.
I at least thought you'd let me continue running the race.