i want to crawl beneath my own flesh
and rip out every drop of suffering

im so very tired
and maybe once the itch is gone
ill be able to rest forevermore

the mist, the fair maiden who was once akin to a security blanket, is now swallowing me whole. shall i evaporate with her?

I don't know what's happening
or how to handle this
it's all becoming too much
when we first started
it was all smiles and laughs
and the jokes we said then
have become so hostile
we say the same words
but now
now we get angry
now we yell
now we stop talking to each other
we're engaged to be married
how is this going to work

the smell of cigarette smoke is more comforting than you ever were

you make the stars feel reachable.

Finally
I heard the words
I’d always wanted to hear
From you
Four years of waiting
Led up to this
Finally
You saw me
The same way
I saw you
Finally
You told me
You were in love
And not just with anyone
But with me.

i was rushing through life
and i thought it was just
so i could feel that final drag of the blade
smile at my last, staggering breath
feel myself slipping where i belong, finally
but maybe the reason i always felt like
i was running through life
was to get to you.

I would sleep much better
If you were next to me
But for now
I’ll settle with being
Your 1 am thoughts.

A drop fell on me
No, it wasn’t rain
Or tea
Or cocoa
No, the drop that fell on me
Was one from your hazel eyes

the silence
is suffocating me
depression
is choking me
anxiety
is gagging me
unrequited love
is killing me

because he loved her
he was afraid to love her completely
                                                                                 per-
haps there was no true liberation in love
                                                                            flawed
and frightened, not knowing










his love for her could not, would not be extinguished.

I love you
My heart is yours
I wish
My body knew yours
And not his
Because when I’m with him
You’re all I can think about
You are my everything
But he’s here
When you’re not
I wish I could see you
Hold your hand
Kiss you
But you’re not here
And that’s not possible
I wish I knew
Where you go
When you leave on weekends
Because then
Maybe
I could see you
You mean so ******* much to me
You are my happiness
And I miss you
I miss that
You help ease my anxiety
You make me so ******* happy
I think of you
And I smile
I hear your voice
Inside my head, that is,
And I feel safe
And my heart beats wildly
I see your smile
Again, inside my head,
Because who could forget something that beautiful,
And I blush
My stomach flip-flops
I hear
Or read
Your name
And my skin tingles
I get more
Than a little excited
I’m not sure why
It’s so easy to write all of this down
And post it all over the internet
But not tell you
Why couldn’t I tell you
Until right before I left?
Perhaps,
If I had told you sooner
How I really feel
This could have been different.
I miss you like hell
I hope you miss me, too.
Please,
Just remember:
I l o v e y o u…

i want all of you
the parts you tore away
the walls you built to protect yourself
the lies you've hidden behind
the mask you wear daily to hide your suffering
i want it all
the soft, tender kisses
the rough, passionate ones
your hands, gripping my own
your teeth, gnawing on my flesh
i want every piece of you
the parts you hate about yourself
the parts you love
and the parts you're indifferent about
i just want you
and all that you are
and all that you bring

can you make sense of me?

can you read me?

am i real?

I’M NOT AFRAID TO FALL IN LOVE
I’M AFRAID TO BE THE ONLY ONE
WHO FALLS. WILL YOU FALL WITH
ME? AM I WORTH IT? OR NOT?

Watery tear-filled eyes
gaze upon her lifeless body
lying in the bathtub
pills she dropped
on the floor
she looks happy now
at peace
noises and screams and hysterics and tears
surround the boy
lying next to her
emotionless
holding onto her cold
limp hand
staring at her frosty blue lips
wondering where he went wrong
how could he have saved her?

he is ethereal.

humans are made of stardust, this is fact, but they must be more stardust than human. he's likened often to an angel, despite his personality.

perhaps he is composed of the sun itself, fiery temperament contrasting the beauty painted across his skin with expertise. it's almost as if each and every inch of their skin shines, blinding most who dare approach.

i want to watch the way the stars dance in their eyes, like each star is a diamond sunk into the most divine and colourful resin that is his irises. i want to pluck the stars from the night sky and dust them across his blush, to give him freckles half as gorgeous as they himself is.

i want to take the big dipper and ladle the stars into his veins. he is my universe, they cradle me and care for me despite the fear he held before. i cherish him, and he cherishes me.

i am not worthy of breathing the same air as them; i am mere mortal while he is a deity amongst men. i am not worthy, yet he takes care and cradles me in their own arms as if i am everything i know him to be. if we were the greek gods, he would be aphrodite incarnate and i myself would be likened to hephaestus, though i am certain he remains loyal to our relationship.

he is the ambrosia that has the potential to poison me if i don't stop sipping, but that is a risk i am willing to take. he is every dream i've ever wanted to achieve, in fact, if i dreamed him up then they are the greatest dream i've ever had.

i truly hope that he never tires of me, for they are one of the few things i doubt i could ever live without. i find myself wondering sometimes how i made it so long without them, before i remember the person i used to be. he is a ceramist and i am a lump of fresh clay, and they continue to craft and craft and make me into a more complete version of what once was.

he has every chance to break me, to completely shatter me, yet he treats me like i am the most delicate object in the mortal plane of existence. he is so very gentle with me, as am i with them.

I can’t breathe

*******

Help me

Save me

Why

Why me?

I just want to die

But I also want to be saved

Anxiety does that

Makes you want to disappear

But live at the same time

They say it can be healthy

But they also say it’s a

(ahem)

Disorder.

Am I crazy?

Try this

they tell me

just breathe

you’re okay

you’re not going to die

Yeah? BUT WHAT IF I DO?!

Just…

Please.

Leave me be.

I’m sorry.

I’m horrible.

Please.

Just go.

I think

A date at the museum

Would be pointless

Because even near all of that art,

I’d still stare at you.

Because you are more beautiful

Than any masterpiece.

You are my masterpiece.

there are countless stories
of how suicide affected the still-living,
the still-breathing,
the still-thriving.

there are countless truly selfish tales,
choruses of “please don’t do it”
but never is there a
“i understand, and i support you regardless.”

we talk about assisted suicides
in medicine, for the elderly
and the physically ill,
so why is it that my doctor

can’t write me an rx
for a premature leave of absence?
why is it that mental illness
is always seen as simply being overdramatic?

why is it that people understand
and accept the fact that physically ill people die
but they can’t accept the fact
that mentally ill people want to stop suffering as well?

Pumpkin Spice Lattes from the coffee shop down the corner

Warm, cozy sweaters

Old Polaroid cameras

Crisp leaves crunching beneath your feet.

It’s your first semester at college

And you’re ready to take on the world.

You’ve got this.

Nobody will ever know your past

Unless you let them in.

You.

You’re terrified of losing me.

Because you know

You might not ever see me again

After eleven days.

That’s the day

I’m going to leave you.

There’s nothing

Any of us could do

To stop it.

I’m sorry.

But that doesn’t mean

You can’t be strong.

It doesn’t mean

That you can’t go on.

Make life your *****, Abi.

You can rock your life.

being in love with someone
who loves you back
can make you feel more beautiful
than almost anything.

something about this magnificent person,
who is your whole world,
viewing you in the same way you view them?

if i see you as ethereal,
my angel,
then how do you see me?

i don't think i could ever view myself as beautiful
on my own
but you make me feel more
tolerable towards myself,
and that's a feat in and of itself.

thank you for existing the way you do.

You believed in me

But I guess that’s over.

You loved me,

But that’s no more.

You trusted me,

But I lied.

You thought “till death do us part”

Were our words.

Until the day I died.

You had no idea that day would come so soon.

Nineteen years

Isn’t a very long life.

You saw me as I truly was.

Or at least, you thought you did.

But really,

I told you I was fine.

I fed you those lies

Just to keep you from worrying.

To make you feel better.

I guess I couldn’t handle

The weight of guilt

That appeared on my shoulders

With each new cut.

And when I died that night

In icy November,

With nothing but love for you

And hatred for myself,

My last words,

Whispered,

Were simple yet complex.

I love you.

i'll never stop
loving you
you can bet your
pretty little heart
on that

Deeply engaged in another’s conversation

Totally emerged

I can’t help but feel like I’m part of it

Even though it’s not mine

This other world

This world where I can be whatever I please

The first Trans president

A wizard, a dragon, a knight

A poor, oppressed man in 1800’s America

Anything

I exist

But not because I feel

Or because I am known

But because I know

Because of what I am and what I am not

Because I can think

Ponder

Wonder

Believe.

No, I’m not obsessed with the thought of magic

Or being different.

I’m obsessed with losing myself in a book

I’m obsessed with escaping the hell that is my life

I’m obsessed with how it makes me feel again

With how it reminds me to feel.

i seem rather obsessed with the stars
considering i’m just a black hole among
the galaxy of many.