You.
You make me feel secure
In who I am.

You have never teased me
Have never been rude
About my identity.

You say you’re bi
Put I’m trans.
Maybe I’m just an exception?

Today you used my correct pronouns
And I was so happy.
You were too.

You try.
You really do.
And that’s amazing.

You say love is fake,
But you love me still.
Because I am your fate.

When I look at you,
I see all the good
And all the bad.

When I look at you,
I see a young man
Trying so hard to find his place in the world.

When I look at you,
I see love in your eyes.
They’re always twinkling when we’re flirting.

When I look at you,
I see you,
As you are.

I sing of oppression

Hate

and war.

I cry out in depression

Fear

and shame

I dream of a day

when we can fly away

from things such as these,

things like anxiety.

These and discrimination

and judgement

and injustice.

I long for the day

our cages are unlocked,

a day when freedom

is a possibility.

A day when equality

and peace

and love

are all acceptable

and not hindered

or shamed by society.

I pray that someday plausibility

is replaced with possibility

and later achievability.

I hope for a day

when everyone can see the beauty

hidden deep within every little thing

the world has to offer.

I wish for a day

when creativity

and expression

are not only accepted,

but embraced.

I ache for a time

when everyone actually does unto others

as they would have done unto them.

I fancy a day when hunger

and thirst

and homelessness

come to an end.

I desire the day when people

do things to help others

simply because it is extremely

emotionally satisfying to see

the look of pure joy on their faces.

I sing of love.

Watery tear-filled eyes
gaze upon her lifeless body
lying in the bathtub
pills she dropped
on the floor
she looks happy now
at peace
noises and screams and hysterics and tears
surround the boy
lying next to her
emotionless
holding onto her cold
limp hand
staring at her frosty blue lips
wondering where he went wrong
how could he have saved her?

I am…



Chinese food and sushi, cottage cheese and frozen cocoa;



Skinny jeans and high-tops, hoodies, beanies and makeup;



Animal rescue, cats, dogs, birds, rabbits, and other wildlife;



My own person, individual and original, expressive and human;



Fluffy comforters, fuzzy socks, pillows and stuffed animals;



A best friend, shy but eccentric when you get to know me;



A large book, with actual pages and not the swiping of screens and big, chunky glasses;



Classical and Motown, pop and dubstep, rock and metal, opera and indie;



Earphones, laptops, coffee and warm blankets;



Rainy days, foggy mornings, snow falling softly and crisp leaves descending from the trees above;



Tears, angst, pain, self-consciousness, and anxiousness;



The colors black and red, silver and gold, grey and bronze, green and purple;



Not a child, scared for the future, not ready to leave high school;



Dodge trucks, Model T’s, Mustangs, Hummers, and Jeeps;



A student in high school, a senior, a chief;



Quotes and lyrics, poetry and words;



A dreamer, often heartbroken, caring, compassionate, a troublemaker;



Sunglasses and ripped flip-flops, swimsuits, and sunscreen;



Fingerless gloves and jackets, boots and leggings;



Chocolate and ice cream, pizza and root beer;



Roses and geraniums, petunias and lilies;



Christmas lights, smooth jazz, comfy couches, fluffy pillows, photography;



Just like everyone else but nothing like them, obstinate, a rebel;



Garage sales, thrift stores, flea markets, and savvy spending;



Late nights and TV, Starbucks and musicals;



Fall and winter, sweaters and cocoa;



Bonfires, smores, shorts and Glacier Cherry Gatorade;



Vanilla and cinnamon, Irish Spring body wash and the smell of cigarettes;



Old Spice, Axe, ***, and musk;



Always there for people when they most need me;



Not perfect by any means;



Not math or science, algebra or astronomy;



Not easy to get to know yet an open book;



Not crafty but love art;



Definitely not a model but love showing off new clothes and designs;



Not the best listener to instructions, but knows lyrics to so many songs;



I am Olli, a human being.



I am me.

She stares at the blade in her right hand

the red lines covering her legs and both arms

making it impossible to see clearly

clouded by depression, tears, and self-hatred.

She cries for her best friend, who tried to end his own life the week before.

She cries for her mother, who tried to **** herself in front of her own child's eyes

She cries for the four boys at school who took theirs.

She cries from pain, sorrow, heartbreak, disgust.

The blade shimmers as it hits the tile floor

she picks up the pills

30 of them.

she'd been refusing to take her antidepressants

what was the point anyway?

she opened the bottle

poured the little white drugs into her freshly emptied hand

grabbed the full glass of tepid water

and downed them both.

She was beginning to feel dizzy

the cuts were so deep this time

but it was worth it

all of it

just to end the pain.

She stripped down to her underwear

and climbed into the tub.

She breathed in deep

coughing painfully

the burn was dull

but the eventual relief would be worth it.

She wanted to make sure she got it right this time

so she dumped bleach into the hot water

screaming as it burns her

crying as it seeps into her open gashes

croaking as she takes her final breaths

but as she lets go

she smiles

for the first time in a long time.

I'm home.

He sits and stares

At the empty wall before him

Lost in thought

He hears the voices around him

Muffled

As he writes poetry

In his cruel mind

The peeling paint

Seems to mock him

Saying

“Watch this!

You’ve got nothing better to do!”

The air is frigid

So cold it seemed

To seep down into his bones

He listens

Hearing the screams

And cries

And pleas

For what little life

Any of the others

Was he

The only guilt-free one

In this whole ****** place?

He saw light

From the outside

Flood in

Is there a new prisoner?

Fresh meat?

New blood?

Almost as quickly as it appeared

The darkness swallowed the light

Yet again.

Darkness

swallows the light

dampening her spirit

making it impossible to breathe

what is the point

in carrying on?

Snow, drifting on a cloudless night

The only light is that which reflects

From the stringed lights onto that snow

The air is crisp

A definite chill is in the air

Cardinals balance on icy branches

Fir trees rustle in the gentle breeze

I sit, and I ponder,

What is my purpose?

Am I really as rare and unique

As each and every snowflake?

Or are we all uniform,

Pretending to be something we are not

Simply to make ourselves

Feel better, filled with false security

Self-imposed confidence and

Haughty apprehension?

As I sit there

And stare at the children

Playing, running, singing

Wrapped in their tiny scarves

Small, mittened hands reaching

For their parent’s large, bare ones,

I wonder:

Is it our families who start to shape

The mold of our lives?

One, two, three, four and five

Everything must be done in perfect sets

Did I turn off the light?

Check again, again, again, again

Wash your hands

Wash them wash them wash them wash them

Brush brush brush brush brush

All colours lined up in order by the rainbow

And by shade

Or matching the box

Everything must be perfect

If not, who knows what will happen?

I could upset someone

And make them hate me

Or hurt someone I love

Why can’t it all make sense?

Why can’t it be right?

Why can’t it be perfect?

Why can’t I be perfect?

Get out Get out Get out

Get out of my head

Leave me alone

Let me be

Why did you choose me?

Am I that weak?

Am I predictable?

Easy?

Or did you see the strength in me

And decide to slowly chip at it

Make it wear away

Little by little

Bit by bit

Piece by piece.

Do I exist

As a figment of imagination?

Or as a toy?

A tool?

Am I simply hear for your amusement?

I said

LEAVE ME ALONE

…no?

I’m sorry

I’m so ******* sorry

I know you’re stronger

You own me

I belong to you…

You win.

They say the shy ones

Are always the spunkiest

The craziest

The most fun

But I say

We’re not

We’re terrified of interaction

Your judgement

Your hatred.

Our voices are soft

And quiet

But our minds are loud

Our thoughts tear us to shreds

Leaving us with nothing

But tears in our eyes

Disappointment in our hearts

Scars on our bodies

And smoke in our lungs.

We are nothing

With

Or without

You.

I can’t breathe

*******

Help me

Save me

Why

Why me?

I just want to die

But I also want to be saved

Anxiety does that

Makes you want to disappear

But live at the same time

They say it can be healthy

But they also say it’s a

(ahem)

Disorder.

Am I crazy?

Try this

they tell me

just breathe

you’re okay

you’re not going to die

Yeah? BUT WHAT IF I DO?!

Just…

Please.

Leave me be.

I’m sorry.

I’m horrible.

Please.

Just go.

Too loud too loud too loud

Click click click click

Tap tap tap tap tap

All I hear are those awful sounds

Muffled talking

Loud screaming

Typing

Chewing

Smacking

Eating

Gross please make it stop

This is real

Not just for me

But everyone else

I can’t stand sounds

The sounds of anything

Except music

Music is the only thing that saves me

Tones and repetitiveness

I can’t do that

But drums

And cellos

Guitars, pianos, saxophones

Those are all okay

I’m sorry

None of this is my fault

I wish it didn’t bother me

Trust me

I do.

But it does.

I hate it

Probably more than you do.

You should be thankful

Because you don’t.

It makes my skin crawl

I get hot

Dizzy

I shake

Every sound gets amplified

Please forgive me

I’m sorry

**** misophonia!

We are human

I didn’t make a choice

I didn’t want this

It just happened

I exist

Even though sometimes I don’t want to

Because this just gets way too hard

I am a boy.

Yeah, I still get my periods

I still have long hair

And these stupid ****

(I can’t wait to get rid of those)!

But I’m a guy.

Pronouns?

Oh!

Those are he/him.

Name?

Olliver Orion.

But you can call me Olli.

I don’t follow any specific religion.

I’m not atheist, either.

I’m kind of a skeptic

But I’m not sure what exactly to believe.

I kinda just am.

Problem?

Oh well.

**** it.

My gender isn’t a choice

My sexuality isn’t a choice

It doesn’t make me a freak

I’m sorry if you feel that way

But I’m not.

At least, not because of that.

People are born as they are

It has nothing to do with how I was raised,

Because my dad?

He’s transphobic and homophobic

He raised me on that **** bible

He said I must comply

That it was the one true law

The only thing I need ever believe in

That I exist only because it exists.

I found it a little backwards, then

That he was so **** unsupportive

Because doesn’t that book tell you

To love your neighbor?

To love all like He loves you?

To treat others with respect and dignity?

Repeatedly?

But no,

My father, like many others,

Chooses to quote one mistranslated passage

One that was supposed to say “…man lies with boy…”

Not “man lies with man”

Not “homosexuality is a sin”.

But you know what?

If homosexuality is a sin

And gay people are going to burn in hell

Then at least I’ll be with my friends

My people

Those who understand.

I hope I get my own private sector of hell

Away from the ******* who abused me and bullied me and taunted me

My whole life

Because they don’t deserve to breathe

(Do you breathe in hell?)

The same air as me.

They don’t deserve to be graced with my presence

Or those of my friends.

I hope that my friends and I

Party it up in our little section of hell.

I’d rather be a sinner

And burn in hell

For being who I really am

Than fake it

And lie to myself

To join a bunch of insufferable know-it-alls

In what my dad calls

“Heaven”.

Deeply engaged in another’s conversation

Totally emerged

I can’t help but feel like I’m part of it

Even though it’s not mine

This other world

This world where I can be whatever I please

The first Trans president

A wizard, a dragon, a knight

A poor, oppressed man in 1800’s America

Anything

I exist

But not because I feel

Or because I am known

But because I know

Because of what I am and what I am not

Because I can think

Ponder

Wonder

Believe.

No, I’m not obsessed with the thought of magic

Or being different.

I’m obsessed with losing myself in a book

I’m obsessed with escaping the hell that is my life

I’m obsessed with how it makes me feel again

With how it reminds me to feel.

No,

I’m not jealous.

I’m just…

I wish I had that.

Had her, or him, or whoever.

Had them.

Wish I had a significant other

Or even a friend

Perhaps someone who cared enough to hate me

To constantly make fun of me.

Because then they’d be thinking of me

Right?

I wish I had anyone.

I see you with them

And it makes me sad

And angry

And anxious.

It makes me plead

Every night

That I had what you had.

No, I’m not jealous

Or envious.

I’m just sad.

And lonely.

Losing yourself in the music

The speed

The lights blur past you

You scream the words to your favourite song

At the top of your lungs

Crying

Wishing he were still here with you

Not back there,

With that shot glass

Full of *****

And that other boy,

That *****

Leaving you all alone

Leaving you behind.

You thought he loved you back,

Didn’t you?

Newsflash: he didn’t.

And you’re left

Driving,

Crying,

Screaming,

Beating the steering wheel.

But

Then you see it

The car

Pulling out right in front of you

That car

Full of people

Coming home from graduation

Laughing,

Singing,

Smiling.

You try,

But you can’t stop.

It’s too close

And getting closer.

Time seems to stop

And it freezes

Like your heart seemed to

When you saw him.

Anger

Disappointment

Fear.

It all pumps violently through your veins.

You hit the car

T-bone it,

Hard.

Screams,

Tears,

Terror.

Not all of it your own.

Seconds later,

Sirens.

You feel the hands

Pulling you out of your car

And you look up

Through bloodied eyes

And see

The gurneys across the road

You sent them flying

Across the freeway

And the bodies

They’re everywhere.

Only one is left breathing

And she’s in critical condition.

They try to defibrillate

But her heart stops.

You thought you knew pain

But this was worse.

The overwhelming guilt

The shame

It weighs on you.

You knew better than to drive drunk

But you were sad

And driving always seemed to help.

Not anymore.

Nothing can help you know.

Not even his love

His sympathy

His remorse.

All that matters now

Is the gun in your hand

Pointed at your temple

Finger on the trigger

Heart beating wildly.

You remind yourself,

you deserve this.

They were younger,

Much younger.

Had so much more to look forward to

And you took it from them.

All of it.

You monster.

You pull the trigger.

The lights go out.

Don't eat!

You don't deserve food, you know that.

You're disgusting,

and fat.

It's pathetic, honestly.

I guess you can have some water

and if you behave,

and don't cheat,

you can have cucumbers

or watermelon, apples or celery

or something.

See?

I can be nice!

I let you have something to eat.

Whether you deserve it or not.

I didn't need to.

No wonder you love me!

                                          Sincerely,

                                            Your favourite,

                                                    Ana **

I'm okay.

I promise.

No, I'm not letting it get to me.

I know you're gone.

That you'll never come back.

That I've lost you forever.

When they walked into school that day,

none of us had a clue.

We had absolutely no idea.

We were so caught off guard when--

well, when it happened.

How could anything like this have happened?

You were so nice.

I thought I was so lucky

because everyone loved you

but I was the only one who could call you mine.

But then Jay came in that day

The day after their 18th birthday.

They had gone and bought themself a gun.

Maybe that pawn shop should have

done a better background check

or something.

Maybe a psychological evaluation.

Jay should never have been able to get it.

They knew Mr. Massey had one

locked up in his desk

one that was legal.

He was shot first.

Then they pointed the gun at you.

Time slowed.

My heart stopped beating.

I remember the screams.

I remember the blood.

Maybe we should have better regulations

to purchase a weapon.

But that wouldn't help,

would it?

The black market's still a thing.

That will never end.

But some people are responsible enough

to own one

to protect their families

their friends

everyone.

Some people can handle it.

But people like Jay,

they can't.

I can't believe what they did.

I trusted them.

We trusted them.

But that's all pointless now.

That's gone

like you.

I'm not okay.

I miss you.

I still love you

because we both believed in love after death.

You believed in me

But I guess that’s over.

You loved me,

But that’s no more.

You trusted me,

But I lied.

You thought “till death do us part”

Were our words.

Until the day I died.

You had no idea that day would come so soon.

Nineteen years

Isn’t a very long life.

You saw me as I truly was.

Or at least, you thought you did.

But really,

I told you I was fine.

I fed you those lies

Just to keep you from worrying.

To make you feel better.

I guess I couldn’t handle

The weight of guilt

That appeared on my shoulders

With each new cut.

And when I died that night

In icy November,

With nothing but love for you

And hatred for myself,

My last words,

Whispered,

Were simple yet complex.

I love you.

The soft ballad

Trickles into my ears,

Dancing down my spine.

Light on guitar,

Heavy on drums and piano.

It exists,

Like me,

Only to amaze you.

If it weren’t for you,

I’d perish

Because you are the only thing

Tying me

To this life.                              

You and the music.

So as we lie here,

On the sandy beach,

Water tickling our toes

And the stars illuminating the soft skin

Of your face,

I sigh.

Finally,

I am able to breathe.

With you here,

In my arms,

I know peace.

How long will it take them to realize

That “you” don’t exist?

That you’re a figment of my imagination

A combination of all I have ever loved,

Ever lost?

A mixture of all the good

And all the bad

From each of them,

But in moderation.

Because I know,

You’d never dream of hitting me

Or ****** me.

You always ask

In breathless, day-dream whispers

Is this okay?

You always make sure

You haven’t hurt me

And you take care of me.

I wish you were mine.

I found someone ideal.

He’s a lot like you.

He says he likes me too

But I’m not sure I believe him,

Because he likes her too.

And with each passing day,

I miss you more and more

And believe in him

Less and less.

The you I thought I knew

Never would have hurt me.

They you I thought I knew

Would never have lied to me.

I thought I knew you.

I thought I loved you,

And I thought you loved me.

But you liked her

And I was incapable of love.

I loved the idea of love,

Not you.

You must feel

To love.

You must receive love

to reciprocate it.

You must feel alive

To give love.

I was none of those

And I had none of those.

She was everything you wanted.

I exist, sadly,

Not because I am

And not because I do.

I exist

Because you think I do.

Maybe I’m just a figment

Of your imagination.

Maybe I exist

As a tool for your usage,

Your leisure.

For some,

I exist to torment.

For others, I exist

As a friend.

But for none

Do I exist

To love endlessly

With their entire being.

I do not exist

To feel

That which I do not

Deserve.

“Life Goes On”

Love wears off.

“Just hold on”

Before the lights turn off.

Those lights

That were always on

The sparkles in your eyes

Reflecting pools of mocha

Reminding me of the chocolate

From campfire smores

Or of the coffee

At that café

On the corner.

Some love wears off,

But my love for you never fades.

You took those beautiful lights

From me.

All those times you joked

Said maybe you wanted to get struck

By lightning.

Those times you said you wanted to die.

After moments of vulnerability

You laughed.

You smiled

And said it was a joke.

But you took your rose-coloured lips

That surround your pearly whites

From me.

Your took your shaggy black hair

That your mom recently made you cut.

I guess that means

You took your just long enough

Black hair from me.

You took your musical laughter.

You took your all-encompassing happiness

From me.

Because in those moments

When you were most vulnerable,

You shared them with me.

You thought it would be safe

Because I was your best friend,

No risk of losing your

Boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever.

You know I would never tell.

Stay alive, Stay alive for me…

It was those simple words

Whispered that night.

Those words were the promise

That you couldn’t seem to keep.

Your bruises

Went deeper than my skin.

They wounded my heart

My soul

My mind.

They ache

With such longing

For a better life.

It hurts

Because I love you so much

But you don’t seem to love me back.

Maybe you’re just scared

Of losing me

Maybe it’s just

What you always went through as a kid

Playing out

Involuntarily.

Trauma does that to you.

But the doctors

They tell me it’s not an excuse.

I kept my promise

And didn’t go to the doctor myself.

You just threw me against the wall

And I hit the metalwork

And started bleeding out.

You didn’t mean to.

I know that.

But you were scared

And the baby was crying

So you called 911.

It was one of the hardest things you

Have ever done.

And when it happened—

The incident—

You cried.

You felt so bad

You had hurt me.

You took that same anger,

That same fear,

And pointed it at yourself.

You pulled the trigger

Of your hatred.

You jumped off the bridge

And drowned in your depression.

Rain

Falling steadily

like I fell for you

drop by drop

breath by breath

slowly

then all at once.

The burning desire—

No, the need—

To get more.

Your next hit.

Your skin crawls

I watch you

As your body shakes.

You say it’s okay

That you’ll be fine

You just need some more.

But it doesn’t work like that

Does it?

You always need more

More and more and more

You trust it with your life.

It makes you even more depressed.

Ironic, isn’t it?

That the things you used

To hide from your depression

Makes it more so?

Cigarette smoke fogging the room

Broken needles lying on the floor

Lighters, burnt spoons

Your happy little pills.

That’s what you call them.

But they aren’t so happy, are they?

You don’t seem very happy.

The drugs

The cigarettes

The alcohol

None of it makes you better.

It makes you wake up

Late at night

And cry.

You think it’s funny

Don’t you?

But as I sit here

With words in my mind

Pain in my heart

blood on my arms

And tears rolling down my face

I ponder taking my own life.

Your words caused more than just hurt

It cost my life

And the light from the lives

Of those who actually give a **** about me

(not you).

Thanks a lot,

*******.

I thought I was in love with you,

But you don’t love me back,

So I can’t be

Can I?

You claim you do,

But I see how you look at her

I see the happiness on your face when you’re with her.

When you’re with me,

You always seem raw,

Depressed,

Angry.

Is that the real you I see?

Or does she just make you that happy?

Is it a mask

Or is pure joy?

I wish I knew

I’m sorry I can’t be that for you.

Because when I’m with you,

I am happy and depressed.

When I am with her,

I am depressed and happy.

Please help me make sense of this.

And you make it worse when you say

Maybe we can be more than friends…

Because I don’t think you really feel that way.

I’m sorry

I’ve wasted your time.

It overtakes your whole being.

It makes you numb.

It gives you the illusion of being real.

But when it leads you to defiling your own body

To malnutrition

To death,

You finally feel at peace when that comes.

At least,

You hope you do.

Because it makes you want nothing more than to die.

I let you take it from me,

All of it,

Because I thought you loved me.

I thought I loved you, too.

But now that I’m not there anymore,

You’ve changed.

Instead of careful whispers

And tender nights

In the back of that ****** van,

I have bitter memories

And regret.

You didn’t deserve me.

And I didn’t deserve you.

You’ve become such an ***.

Everyone messages me

Telling me how awful you are.

I let you take what little innocence

I had left.

You don’t know how ****** I feel now.

And I don’t mean this literally,

But,

****. You.

I didn’t have a choice.

You made me,

All of you.

I don’t know a mother’s love

Or innocent fun with my cousins

Because you ruined it.

It wasn’t anything I had control over.

You did it to me.

My scars are physical and emotional.

I’m 17, trying to be an adult.

But I still act like I’m a child.

Because you traumatized me.

You made it impossible for me to handle life.

Anxiety, depression, anger.

It’s all your fault.

It’s your ******* fault I’m like this.

I exist.

Not because of you.

I’m alive.

Not because of you.

I’m alive and I exist

Because I ******* feel like it.

I don’t give a **** about your opinion.

**** my big transboy ****.

When I was little,

my dad told me

that thunder

was God snoring.

How could this be?

If rain was Him crying

and lightning was

His sneezing?

Now, my dad tells me

to grow up and act my age.

I'm sorry,

but I thought

you were the one

treating me like

a child.

A gentle breeze,

Playing with her cascading

Tendrils of chestnut-brown hair,

Making her sundress

Flutter around her knees.

The crystal-clear waves

Break as they hit the shore.

And with the wind,

By the light of the fire,

She whispers

I love you…

Try as I might,

I will never be able

To reach that happiness

That you seem to have found.

Try as I might,

I will never be able

To reach inner peace

Like my mom did.

Try as I might,

I will never be able

To reach my fullest potential

Like my brother did.

Try as I might,

I will never be able

To make you love me

Like you made me love you.

Try as I might,

I will never be able

To hide from my depression

Like others have before me.

The licorice jelly beans nobody ever eats

(besides me).

The dark roast coffee

My dad always drinks.

The deep-fried mushrooms

We get at the sports bar every Sunday.

The bittersweet taste of summer memories

With each kiss of the berries.

The rich taste

Of dark chocolate on a rainy day.

The **** bite

Of Pinot Noir on a date night.

The taste of regret

That comes from eating plums in your white sundress.

It’s the beans

From my dad’s famous deer chili.

The sleepiness—or the alertness—

That comes from drinking that cup of plain tea.

That nice burn that comes

When you add to much pepper.

Black is my favourite colour

And this is what it tastes like.

I’m sorry

Was I not good enough for you?

On those late nights,

Drunk on the taste

Of your lips,

Stars illuminating

Your face,

All I could think about was

How I let you down.

I get lost

And stare off into space

When I think of you.

You tease me about my poetry

But I bet you don’t know

That most of it is about you.

You take my depression from me,

Make me smile,

You make me feel whole again.

I think I love you

And you say you feel the same

But I don’t believe you.

Because we both like her too

And she’s taken

Like you’ve taken my heart.

Sad teens

Happy faces

Always plastering on the fakest of grins

Barely enough to pass

As true.

It falters only

When they are left alone

In the middle of the night

With that bottle of *****

Numb, tears streaming down their faces.

Pumpkin Spice Lattes from the coffee shop down the corner

Warm, cozy sweaters

Old Polaroid cameras

Crisp leaves crunching beneath your feet.

It’s your first semester at college

And you’re ready to take on the world.

You’ve got this.

Nobody will ever know your past

Unless you let them in.

I trusted you

But you let me down

And that’s not okay.

You hurt me.

I put all of my faith in you

But you wasted it

You burnt it to cinders

And ripped it to shreds.

You did the same to my heart

And my love,

But I guess you really don’t care about that.

Do you?

You’re always there,

On my mind

And you never seem to leave.

It’s embarrassing

When you catch me staring.

You say something

And I blush.

****

I say,

I’m sorry!

It’s awful.

I wish I didn’t feel this way about you

But I do.

Crap.

I’m sorry!

I didn’t mean what I said

There’s a little truth in everything

But I’ve always been a compulsive liar.

You trusted me

Like I trusted you.

I didn’t mean to break your heart

(If you even had one in the first place).

You don’t deserve me.

Tell me I’m a *******-up mess

And that I never listen

Because I know you’re a liar too.

You’re telling me these things

That I don’t believe

And I’m telling you things

That you don’t believe either.

Can we be trusted?

When it rains,

It aches.

This burning desire

Smolders inside.

The longing for you

Beating inside my chest.

My heart is yours.

I love you.

You always smile

Like you’re about to cry

Your eyes

They get glossy

Your smile wavers

Your mask falters

Your façade crumbles.

You know I love you.

Why can’t you see that?

Maybe because you love her,

But I don’t know.

I see you

At the other end of this table

Smiling,

Laughing.

With her.

The one we both love.

But I love you, too.

I guess you don’t really understand that.

It tears me apart

To see you so happy with her.

I wish that were me.

But I don’t deserve you.

I wish I did.