Breathing out

A sweet sigh of relief

I told you how I really feel.

You smiled behind

Your computer,

Shaking your head.

How could I ever think

You wouldn’t love me

All the same?

I don’t want to live forever

Because I don’t want to watch

Everyone

And everything

I’ve ever loved

Or hated, even,

Disappear from in front of my very eyes.

Especially you.

You mean more to me

Than many others,

All of you.

You all three know

Exactly who you are.

Number one is twenty

And treats me like royalty.

Number two is fifteen

And jokes about everything.

Number three is sixteen

And tells me everything.

Our conversations are real,

Raw,

True.

I think that

If you could read my mind,

You’d be tears.

My mind is a dark place.

You’d see all

My thoughts.

The ones that tell me I’m worthless,

That echo of the words

You told me.

The reverberations

Of fat, ugly, stupid.

I’m just that freak,

The ***,

The emo.

I’m a ****,

Obese,

Pathetic.

I’m sorry to share this with you.

Actually,

No.

I’m not.

Because when you tell me these words,

They burn

Behind my eyelids.

I see them all the time.

*******.

When you smile,

You look like you might cry.

I can always tell

The difference

Between real and fake joy in you.

You hate yourself

And really, I’m not sure why.

Because you, Emma,

Are so ******* sweet

And beautiful

And everything else good in the world.

You deserve so much

More in life.

You say nobody cares,

But that’s *******.

Because I care.

Shouldn’t that be enough?

I got tired of burying my friends.

Grave

After grave

After grave.

They all suffered the same fate

I’ve tried so hard to reach.

But that’s the problem with being immortal.

You can never die.

No matter how ******* hard you try.

My friends,

They were young.

It’s not like

They grew old

And died.

No, they chose

To take their own lives.

Imagine

Watching that

When you want nothing more

Than to die yourself,

But you can’t.

I don’t have time to feel guilty.

Neither do you.

But we still do,

Both of us.

We both feel guilty

For hurting each other.

I want to go home

But I’m not sure where that is anymore.

They say home is where the heart is

But I love you

And you don’t love me.

You have my heart

But I don’t have yours.

Can you be home

If I’m not yours?

This takes finesse and focus,

None of which you have.

This artful dance

On that fine line

Between love

And hate.

You treat me like ****, sometimes,

But we all know better.

We all know you don’t loathe me,

That you

(at least)

Love me as a friend.

Perhaps something more.

You were always a priority for me.

Actually, you never were.

That’s just a lie

I fed to you.

You’re ******* worthless

And nobody loves you, *****.



(I am you).

I’ll never forget you.

I can promise you that.

That’s probably the only thing I can promise.

Until the day I die,

No matter how soon or late that day is,

I will always remember you.

And if there is a such thing

As life after death,

Then I will remember you still.

If there is life after death,

Then I believe in love after death, too.

I will love you for all eternity.

Till fate do us part.

The way she smoked

Those cheap-*** cigarettes

That left a bitter taste in her mouth.

The fireball whiskey

That burnt her throat all the way down,

Those were the tastes of her lips

And the smell of her.

I loved those.

And now they’re gone.

She flirted with death.

So did he.

They both smoked their life away

They both tried endlessly to **** themselves

But their parents wouldn’t let them

Because they were selfish.

They both drank

Nasty-*** ***** and whiskey.

Me?

I smoke those ****** vapes

And drink wine.

I’m a high-class *******.

We all accepted rides from strangers

We were all trying to run from our past.

But when we all loved each other in turn

But not together.

That was the most dangerous thing,

Love.

Life isn’t poetry,

But our hands lock together

Like puzzle pieces

And our hearts intertwine

Like vines on a fence.

We’ll never be as perfect

As our words

On those late nights,

But we can sure as hell try.

I know I love you

More than life itself.

You are the best

I have ever known

And that gift

Lightens my life.

When I die,

Please don’t cry over me.

Because I will not be able

to wipe away your tears.

You know I’ve loved you,

Always,

Until the day I died.

I can’t care for you anymore,

But you’re ready.

I have faith in you.

You believe in life after death

And I believe in love after death

So we will find each other

Again.

The act of breathing

Is enough to remind you

That you’re broken.

You’re not whole.

You haven’t been,

Ever.

I’m trying to be okay

But I can’t promise you anything.

Those words,

Do they sound familiar?

Because you’ve said the same

To me, countless times.

I can’t promise I’ll be okay

But I can promise

That I’ll try.

You.

You’re terrified of losing me.

Because you know

You might not ever see me again

After eleven days.

That’s the day

I’m going to leave you.

There’s nothing

Any of us could do

To stop it.

I’m sorry.

But that doesn’t mean

You can’t be strong.

It doesn’t mean

That you can’t go on.

Make life your *****, Abi.

You can rock your life.

You need to learn

To stay strong for yourself,

Not me.

Because one day,

I’m not going to be in your life

And I’m sorry for that.

But you know I love you,

You know I care,

So take those

And make life yours.

Stay alive

For yourself,

Not just me.

My mascara’s hella cheap

But I still don’t want to waste it

On stupid boys like you.

No matter how hard

I try, though,

I still do.

I think

A date at the museum

Would be pointless

Because even near all of that art,

I’d still stare at you.

Because you are more beautiful

Than any masterpiece.

You are my masterpiece.

Life is worth living

So live another day.

And every day after that.

Don’t spend it

Locked up

In your mind.

Get up

And do things

That make you feel alive.

The sun loved the moon

So much

That he died every night

Just so she could be born again

And breathe anew.

She was an amazing artist,

Painting smiles

On the faces of everyone

But herself.

She couldn’t feel

The same love

She gave.

I’m going to lose you

And you’re going to lose me

Very soon.

I’d be lying

If I said

I could handle that.

There’s still eleven days left

But my heart hurts

Every time I think of it.

I love you, my friends

And I’ve been crying myself to sleep

Over it

Every night.

With each breath

Her depression overtook her

Like water in her lungs

Or electricity through her veins.

She’s dying,

That fate we all wish to suffer

At some point.

She sits back,

Though, and chooses

To add more

Fuel to the fire.

She drowns herself

In ****** whiskey

And Marlboros,

Hoping to waste away quicker.

Maybe one day

Her dream will come true.

When I get upset,

All I can think about

Is holding someone’s hand.

I wish that hand

Could be yours.

Why not?

I miss the old days

When I could call you mine

And when I smiled

When I knew I could feel love.

But I left you

And now my heart is a lacuna,

That dark, empty, bottomless pit

Inside me, clawing at my soul

Trying to tear me to shreds.

You’ve told me many times

That you love me

But each of those times

I hear

I’ll leave you.

I try,

I promise.

It’s just way too hard

To believe

That I can have something

As amazing as you.

Sleep doesn’t help

If you’re exhausted,

Tired of life,

Wishing all this *******

Would just end.

But you don’t necessarily

Want to die,

Either.

You just want

To be free

Of constant ridicule

But that’s never going to happen,

Is it?

Sleep is great,

Sometimes,

Because you’re not dead

But you’re not awake.

The problem is,

You don’t appreciate it

Until you wake up.

It’s an open polygamous relationship

With death

And life.

I can’t believe

I’m leaving you

In this hell

So soon.

I feel awful about it.

Because with each passing day,

You seem more and more lost.

I wish I wasn’t the only one

Doing this to you.

I wish you didn’t

Have to experience it

At all.

I’m so ******* sorry.

Your smile,

Your laugh,

The twinkle in your eyes.

They are my poetry.

They are my love song.

They mean more to me

Than your silly love songs.

I can’t believe

Just how soon

I’m leaving.

I hope you don’t leave me.

I’m so ******* terrified of losing you,

Too.

I’m afraid to tell you

Because I’m not sure how you’ll take it.

Ma’am, I’m different.

I’m not like my brothers or my sisters.

I’m trapped inside

This body that doesn’t belong to me.

If you look at me from the outside,

You see a girl

But if you look at me from the inside,

You see a boy.

I’m not comfortable

With how I look.

These feelings are real

I’m just not sure how to explain it.

It makes me want

To rip my skin apart

To crawl out

Of my very being.

I still like makeup

And sometimes wear girly clothes

But I want to cut my hair

And have surgery.

This isn’t a snap decision

I’ve felt this way for a while.

I’m sorry if this disgusts you

I hope you’re not disappointed

Because you mean so much to much

And I really don’t want to lose you, too.