I am in need
Because my lack of inspiration
Brings me to my knees
And I need the concentration
To see, oh to see
Why this case of my damnation
Matters no more
When I can change my life's narration.

I want to be profound,
But I fear I won't be around
Long enough.

I want to feel an emotion that's not there,
Some kind of empowerment like you'd hear in an indie song.
I want to feel like someone who can do anything,
I want to feel like I can fly
But there's only my lead feet holding me to the ground,
I won't ever reach the high blue.
And that's okay because some people are meant to stay where they are, right?
I'll never see those baby blues again and that's okay,
Because those baby blues turned into a dull gray,
Dominated by wide black traps
And all the colors of the sky cannot enter them.
I'll never hold those rough hands again but that's alright because they're meant to hold a burning pipe of thick, sweet smoke.
They're meant to work and grip and live a life never meant for them.
I'll never feel that warmth again because it's not there, is it?
It's been long replaced by a hatred for something that you could not control.
Where were we so many years ago?

You said you still liked me
But that you didn't know if you could still trust me.

And you said that you were sorry
But you still got up and left me.

You said you didn't know what to say
When I only mentioned his name.

But he was just a friend,  
And you are still my love,

Never had I cheated,  
I'd never given up.

I know that trying to save you
May have cost me dearly.

But there is so much more to love
Than loving your looks clearly.

There is so much more to trust
Than only feeling lust.

And there is so much more to you
Than I ever thought before.

You've been broken,  you've been bruised,
You need me but I need you more.

I know that trust is earned,
And patience must be learned,

But dear, look at my face,
Your trust in me won't be misplaced.

no
oh god, no
leave me be

dreams of you are ruining my sleep

run away,
far, far, away

in those terrible white heels i see

plaguing me
you wore a baby blue and white boho dress

and it wounds me
as it sits in my closet
because I haven't touched it since

it was yours, in my mind.
always yours
from the moment the fabric graced your hips
and that smile spread on your lips
and you turned into someone new

there was something about the ensemble,
later that night
inhibition melted away and I saw the real you for a moment,
or a few

strange that you are so many complex people
wrapped into one shallow being

that you would be scared to show me again who you were once truly
as if the entire world watched through my eyes

but I can promise, friend no longer,
it was only myself, and my whole self,
who watched you
in hatred and admiration

I need a short time away from you.
Maybe only two days, no talking.
As hard as it is to say,
And hard it may be to admit,
But my day starts and ends with you.
Because of this, I get nothing done.
Not even missing assignments.

I don't quite understand why you like pain the way you do.
I guess that's why I was never afraid of hurting you.
But I got smart and I eventually realized
The pain you liked wasn't what I was giving.
The pain you like is how you hurt those girls
The pain you like is the way that they cry
When you leave them stranded and all alone.

Stories,
Told in one word.
It might be someone's world
In that single word.
Each letter is a lifetime,
Each syllable a chapter;
That one word
Open to one thousand emotions.

I heard this song today and it reminds me of us,
I'm such a fool for you.
I don't know if you'll ever truly see what you mean to me
Or what I put myself through for you.
Sometimes I wish there was a guardian angel to go behind my back and tell you all the things I do for you,
Because I think you should know,
I think the world should know what I'm willing to do,
Because I'm such a fool for you.

You went through a 'little phase'
And you wore perfume to school.
You thought you got stupid
And you wore nail polish too.
You became something different
And got lost in the fume.
You and I lost touch,
And one became two.


You thought you were in love
But you only knew one thing.
You thought it was lust
But then it started to sting.
You had no idea
When they started to sing,
That the someone you 'loved'
Was part of another fling.

And you thought that you'd lost
You thought you were insane.
You did a bunch of bad stuff
And you lost your way.
I know that you cried
As the blood left your veins.
But I'm here to tell you
That I'm not going away.

There is a place where
I go to clear my conscience
But I can not stay.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The winds will blow new
But the sky remains the same
Time and time again.

Tonight,
I wanna kiss you in a room full of people while they laugh and chat among themselves and pay no attention to us.
Tonight,
I want you to open the presents I got for you and I want to open the ones you got for me, and I want to hug you.
Tomorrow,
I want to spend the day with you, chowing down on takeout-chinese and watching movies all day.
Tomorrow,
I want to waste a sleepy day with you and pass out in a heap on the couch, tired just because.

I'll lump you in with all the good ones and the bad ones,
The cute and the ugly
And the moons and the suns.
I'll lump you in with all my dreams and fears,
My woes and my joys
And my calmness and unrest.

I know you'll make me sick but you will also cure me,
And I know that you're bad, but you're also good for me.
I know that you might get sad, but I will make you happy,
I know that I'll get mad but I hope you can forgive me.

I cannot find the motivation,
And I do not have the will.
I know that one can find what they need when they need it
But this is all I've ever had.

They tell me I'm not a C student.
And they say that I have the brains.
They say that I have the potential to be something-
Do something-
Greater.
They tell me that it'll be okay,
They tell me it'll be alright.
But I don't feel alright,
I never feel alright.

I never feel alive,
I never feel like there's a why
But a why not?

Why shouldn't I be what they tell me not to be?
Why shouldn't I become what everyone despises?
Maybe then they would actually see me how I see myself.

Maybe then I wouldn't need to explain why I feel the way that I feel
Or maybe I wouldn't have to explain that I even feel that way in the first place.
Maybe they would just see.

I think they could - I hope that they could -
See what I see.

And the next thing I know,
A car door slams outside.
Someone knocks on the front door
And then they walk inside,
But before they do, they ask if I'm here.
My heart is racing in a second-
What if it's you?
But then I see them
And my eyes take a second to adjust
And to see who it really is.
I hoped- I really hoped-
Maybe it was you.
But it wasn't
And I have to return to my waiting sit on the couch
Wait, I stood up that fast?
Wasn't I sitting before?
And before I knew it,
The waiting started again.

And although it hurt,
I didn't know everything.
Had I known just how bad,
I don't think I'd have been as sad.
Because I didn't know
That you needed me
That you missed me
That you were in pain
That you were abused
That you were used
That she would hurt you
And throw you off a car,
That she would refuse
To take you to the hospital
That you would have a scar on your side
That will be there for forever.
That she would shoot you up
And make you her slave
That you would cry all night
And even all day.
That she would say "I love you"
But you knew it wasn't the truth.
That your family would ask
"Do you remember me?"
And I would say I do
That you could go to rehab and then you'd be clean.
That you never even wanted to leave me
That she forced you to say goodbye
That you knew I would still be there
Without an explanation why.
That she'd scream and yell and hit you
At the mention of my name.
That someone thought they'd play you
Like they play a ******* game.

If you are evil,
Then I am an angel.

If you are no good,
Then I am a saint.

If you are fragile,
Then I am stone.

If you are weak,
Then I will be your strength.

~
Bright orange pumpkins
And the aura of fall.
Scarecrows and bonfires,
Now I hate them all.
Turning leaves and the breeze of new Autumn
Candy corn and treats
Are the sweets that are brought in.
I've started to hate fall and all of its colors.
The warm evening auburns
And soft carrot cakes
A bonfire's red-yellow
Is all that it takes.
To set me off screaming
In a wild hate.
It seems the color orange
Is the source of my rage.

I want it,
But now I'm on a leash.
I am stuck on a string
That only reaches so far.
I'm hanging from a rope
That's just above your head.
And although you say you can wait,
I know it will be hard.
I can't chase the voices away.
I can't hold you while you cry.
I can't take your face in my hands and look into your eyes and tell you to calm down.
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry I glued myself into where I am with industrial adhesive.
I tied a chain around myself and gave someone else the key to a lock made of the strongest steel on earth.
But I know one day I can break free.
And then we can be you and me.

I know there will be a day when you realize you don't need me anymore.
I know you will grow and get stronger,
I know you can live without me.
I know the voices will go away and you won't need me to chase them away anymore.
And that's okay.

I thought I knew what it was like to love you.
I had no idea that it would be a back and forth chase of happiness and anger.
I didn't know I would be upset as much as I am content.
I wish I knew how much fun it would be, and how much pain it would cause.
I wish I would have known that you would be the best worst thing to walk into my life.
I thought it would be easy and then I tried to justify how hard it was.
I know the pain is worth it.
I know the cold gets warmer.
I know my eyes will adjust to the darkness.
I know that you are a permanence to me,
And for you, my love, I am everything.

I get high on your words
And drunk on your skin,

I want to drown in your sheets
And I want you in my dreams.

I hope you get drunk when you're dreaming of me,
Because I want to be your drug-induced fantasy.

Do you get high off my scent?
Breathe me in till you can't and then do it again?

How about when we touch,
Do I travel through your veins?

Heat me up in a spoon and take me again
Say you have control but you're trapped in my chains.

Fill your lungs with my nicotine lips,
Dance with the devil and my gasoline hips.

I want you helpless for my inhalant kisses,
Want you desperate for those tweaker blisses.

I want that adrenaline flowing through
You need that high like I need you.

Can you taste the smoke on my tongue?
You loved all the tablets even though they stung.

Dissolving the sadness in the back of your throat
You tasted me once and you got strung.

Babe if I asked you then
Where you saw us in four years,
Would you be satisfied
With where we are now?

I'm going to write a poem today.
Delete
I am going to be better today
Delete
I fell in love again today...
Delete
I don't know what to say
delete.
.

I may soon forget the name and the face,
I may even forget the existence,
But I will never,
I can never,
Forget the stormy-blue sky
That resides in your eyes.

When in eight days
My body is my own
And I will be consumed by fire.
Smoke is curling in the air
And burning with desire.
Demons chase but stop at the porch
When I turn the latch on the door
Of this house,
This hole-in-the-wall place that I call home.
The place where I am never alone.
The place where you are
In the late of night
Listening to music
Are you alright?
We are nailed,
We are glued,
You're stuck to me, I'm stuck to you.
I shall be my own
My free
And you will be beside me
When I almost scream
Because there's a needle under my skin
And there's blood on the sheets
That you just washed but you swear it's okay
Because that's what you do for someone you love
Don't give up on me
Don't give up on us.

Forget about them,
For they are lost,
Cuffs, cuffs,
Girl, you too are lost.

Forget about them,
For they are gone,
Drugs, drugs,
Last cards have been drawn.

And here I am,
Once again screaming out
But I fear that no one
Can hear me.
What if
They just don't care
Anymore?

It's been so long,
Hello old friend
Writing me a song
In your crimson red
Reminding me of sunsets
And destructive fire,
Of sparkling garnets
And dying poinsettias
Oh how I missed you
But that's a total lie
I was so much better
Without you in my life
Now look what I've done
Hurting myself again
Waiting for all this crimson
To be washed away by the rain.

Hello friends,
Or friends I once knew,
How are you?

I wish I could reach out,
But the words won't come-
I'm long past seeing the light of the sun

All the people close to me
I can count on one hand
I forgot everyone else via my own command.

For that I apologize,
Sometimes I miss you guys.
And sometimes I wonder where you are and what you're doing with your lives.

Surely you're doing better than me,
Who can't find the words to say
Or the ***** to even begin speaking,

Perhaps you miss me, perhaps not.
For this is up to you,
All I can say now is that
You're friends that I'm glad I once knew.

It's the beginning
The beginning
Room's spinning, spinning
And already
I am dreading
I am waiting
I am wanting to know who I am.
If I am not myself
Who am I?

What else can I be?
Who can see the real me
When I get so dizzy
I don't know up from down
Tell me who I'm supposed to be now
Who do you want me to be?

Am I not perfect enough
Quiet enough, loud enough
Here enough, gone enough
Good enough for you?
Tell me what to do
Tell me how to live,
Tell me how to be
So that I can please you.

Hey,
Today,
I'll see you and I'll kiss you
And we'll laugh,
I might even cry,
But today,
Please let today be a good day.

My one and
Only, will you
Remember me,
Guide me,
And protect me,
Never let me go?

I can't take back
Words that I never said
I can't un-mutter
The syllables that I never uttered
And I can't tell you
That this silence isn't
Making me deaf
But you can't tell me
That you meant every word you spoke
When you said I was first on your mind
Every time that you woke