again and again i find myself drawn
back to places in which i used to hide
to futures mapped out with best friends
and soulmates too early found
on late night phone calls and skype windows

i built my future around him
and it has been years since i've seen him
weeks since i heard his voice
and meer days since i liked a photo

i wonder if he ever thinks of me
as i think of him
but i know i built my future
on a love like an ocean
deep and unpredictable and washing away

he chose something,
someone, much more solid
he found a foundation
to build his home upon
and i am left
building a castle in clouds above a torrential ocean

i know at once and not at all suddenly
that he has a future
and it does not include me
and even if it did
i am not the same

i must find the voice
in my head
that tells me
i can be happy on my own
i just have to know myself
and i find that was always part
of the challenge

I am wistful
for an era
that has not yet come to pass
or even exist
but is only
a glimpse of a future
I might have
and I am unsure
of the path on which I should travel
to achieve the happiness
that every fiber of my being
longs to attain
and yet I know
that this future
is my only chance
to wipe away my past

Tiny and unsure,

She made her presence known. 

So unexpected from this branch, 

She was all alone.

The plant thought dead and tossed

She made her quiet dwelling.

That she would not bloom

The others found so telling.

A timid candy bud,

Daring to bloom for freedom,

Becomes a sign of love,

A princess in her kingdom.

This tiny hopeful flower,

Overlooked by all, 

Became a graceful symbol,

A queen that will not fall.

Empty Vessels* they warn against
Easily Broken they tell us
No Purpose they chide
Faithless we whisper and hide

I don't want to believe
Faith is meant to deceive
Inside myself I will seek
Lest I find myself weak

I used to wont to look
For love straight out of a book
Now I know better
Than to **** with the weather

Kissing in the rain
To drive myself in sane
With hope for a night
Filled with my delight

I know she thinks me bitter
For my gaping absences
But I find her fitter
For the role in these performances

She thinks I stole her lover
I really tried to not
I put her above all others
She has me worried, fraught

I find myself in guilt
For being happy then
I killed the friendship we had built
And wallow in my sin

He asks me why
I still write
But only in this class

He doesn't undestand
That he's the reason I am
Struck with inspiration

He's so happy
I so not
But his smile makes me close

I must not write now
For I fear
That he soon will know

Strangers around me, laughing, feral,
Give me a chalice tasting of their toxin,
A poison, elixir of misery
A delicate glass inundated with small flurries.

"Is your glass half full
Or half hollow?"

My glass is cracked and sharp,
my lip cut on broken glass.

In my cold hand,
Red trails interlace with golden gleam.

At Last, I have tasted
Blood Champagne.

He rubs me raw
Not with his hands
No, not anymore
Not as often
But with his words
From the outside, in

The tears coat my eyes
Its the middle of class
Yet my thoughts aren't on Chekhov
But on how close the day is to done
Which terrifies me more than
It probably should

I did it again
I thought I had stopped
But the red spilling out of my thighs
Proves me wrong
Yet again
I wasn't meant to be the girl with scars
But here I stand
Hiding them under my skirt
Where no one can see

I have no protection
I have no comfort
I have no image of beauty
I am Alone
I am Vulnerable
I am Naked

Out there
I can be pretty
Out there
I can be approachable
Out there
I can be funny
Out there
I can be depressed
I can be meaningful
I can be honest

But he sees it and says

Out there
I will be taken advantage of
Out there
They will take me away
Out there
They will take my joke and use it against me
Out there
I will not be safe
I will be hurt
And only by them

But the most dangerous thing I face
Is not Out There
No it is not Out There

I'm kicking the need
Ending my drug
Fixing my disease
I found my cure
You better believe
That old habits may die hard
But I'm running far

You're out of your league
This no battle
It is a war
You know this time
What I'm fighting for

My legs are red with raised lines
It feels pretty
I don't think I'm scared
I'm all alone
It's always been this way
It's wanting to go home
But I'm already there
It's trying to breathe
But I can’t find the air

All my thoughts and breaths lost
Secrets I won't again tell
I've been dragged from the top
I'm in my own hell
But I was okay
It was my soul to sell
Until I looked in the mirror
The thing that I feared
Make-up & tears
Streaming down my face