I am the kind heart,
the one who hurts if anyone else is in pain.
The one who hardly gets anything in return,
for the entirety of her heart and soul she gave.

The one who, people seem to pass over.
Yet is always there for everyone else.
The one who has chosen to just let it all go.
Who lost her reason to fight.

Who lost her reason to live.
Lost everything inside of her heart.\
And her mind goes to quickly that it stalls
and the pain floods through her body.
its paralyzing and unforgiving.

Its too ****** much to even begin to think about
when you dont wanna go forward.
when you want to close your eyes and never wake up again

when you're not you
When  your worst nightmares come true
Then, even worse when the nightmares of your children are a reality
when the only reason you ever kept going
is gone

what is there to live for
what is there to believe in

it's all gone.
andrew hung himself in his closet

brenton 3 am, may 24

the ****** train killed my best friend.

dad tried to light a smoke

he burned his face bad

mom called me to help

i called 911

dad died.

friends left.

husband cheated.

lost your job on stress leave.

took him back.

got beat up

he cheated again

you lost another home

your sister calls the cops.... lies about you

they want jail time.

your mother hates you

your family doesn't give a flying ****

not even a distant cousin

your a useless joke

cause you just cared

you dont have much at all

and you seem to **** that up pretty good too

you left him to be happy?

we took your children

gave them to mom that hates you

who lets them near the sister who is ruining you

and ignores you.

we took your reason to live

so please just go die in a hole somewhere

and never harass the liars

what do you have

what does it matter

i am nothing

i am no one

i lost my everything

cause he was too angry

the one time i quit being able to forgive

Burnt flesh,
the scent wafting into my memory.
Reminding me of more pain,
as todays gauntlet
introduces itself to me.
I am your life.
I am just another test,
to see how much we can break you.

To see how much you can lose,
before you just step over,
and out,
over the deep end.
Before you just walk away,
Never looking down.
Before your legs buckle and break.

Before the last piece of yourself,
Just gives in.
Where is my baby girl,
and why did he lie.
Why can't anyone see,
I always meant well.
I love her, she's my world.

Isolated, cold.
Just lost my reason to live.
Just lost my reason to hold on,
Just lost it all.

Why do you even bother,
Why would it even matter.
You failed your children.
You did this,
my mom will blame me.
She always made me know,
how insignificant of a human being I really was.

And now she tells my beautiful,
perfect little angel
about their useless mother,
and her forgiving heart,
such a pathetic stupid girl.
Its all her fault
Idiot.

I lost it, lost it all.
I have nothing,
I don't wanna be awake,
I don't wanna know what tomorrow will bring.
I don't wanna do this anymore.

I can’t breathe,
My chest feels like it is caving in  and I just can’t push any further.
I can’t think of anything else.
My stomach turns quicker than anything I have ever known.
My eyes, sting from the tears, which just keep flowing,
Endlessly.
Unforgivingly.

I want to run to him,
I want to run so far away from him.
Never ever stopping until I forgiven for all my faults.
And my mind gives me grace and forgets his memory.
I want crawl into a ball on the floor,
Sobbing, never to stop.

I want to scream, and my body wants to explode.
It is completely unable of holding this pain inside.
I want to be beautiful enough,
I want to be strong enough.
I want to have the perfect ***.
I want the body he wants to touch.
I want the mind he wants, instead of this one.
So damaged from all the hurt.
That it never seems to cease.
I want his love.
I want his support.

I want him to fight for me like I did for him for years.
I want to be worth something,
Instead of being this piece of ****** garbage.
I want to wake up and be in his arms.

I want to never wake up again.
The mornings for the rest of my life are going to be a rude awakening.
To know, I had it all.
I had my dream,
And its gone.
To know the arms I sob for,
Are holding someone else,
The voice I want to hear, that can’t stand the sound of mine.
Whisper the words I love you to someone else.

But it can’t be that I was nothing…
How is it that just a few days ago, I had him inside of me.
I had him hold me and kiss me.
Consuming all of my senses, complete passion and love.
I had him lay beside me,
I whispered in his ear that I loved him.
Did he say it back?
He couldn’t have meant it.

I fought for years for him,
I watched him stop believing in himself and his worth and I told him he was priceless.
I hugged him when he cried, I yelled when he didn’t see his worth.
I fought when he was losing himself.

I am alone,
I am too hurt to think.
I am terrified and am too ******* in love to think I will ever be okay again.
I am nothing to my everything.
I am a piece of ******* garbage,
I am useless and worthless to my world.
My dream come true,
I wish I never had it,
I wish I didn’t know what I lost.
I wish I didn’t know it was me, who wasn’t enough to have my dream come true.
I wish he loved me as much I loved him.
I wish my pain was the reason he fought harder for me.
I wish he could see he was the one who could fix it.
If only he had.

If only he had loved me enough to let everything lesser go,
Instead of keeping it close by for when my pain was too much for him to be near.
If only he had loved me enough to see I needed him to be strong for me.
If only he had wanted to help me stand.

To know that someone so special to has someone else they would rather be near,
Is not even heartbreaking.
Heartbreaking does not describe how I feel.

I can’t think.
I can’t breathe.
Every step feels like a thousand going up the side of a mountain.
The thought of faking a smile makes me want to jump off a cliff.
The sound of music is like knives inside my head.
The emptiness in my body consuming me,
Slowly but efficiently taking the little jagged pieces of who I was and destroying them.

I will never feel loved again,
I will never know what it is like to be complete again.
I fought, and I tried
I fought for me to be enough.
I fought for him to notice who I was
I fought for our life and how it was.
I was left beaten and bleeding,
I was left alone,
I was left to be forgotten, and laughed at.
To be made a mocker, a nut case,
A woman who gave her everything to a man.
A woman so lowly and pathetic and utterly unlovable.
That when he stands before her,
With his eyes showing his disgust,
He says to me,
Look at you, what is wrong with you?
I say you did it, and he walks away.
He doesn’t want me, he doesn’t care if he loses me forever.
He doesn’t want me.
I am nothing
He doesn’t love me, and he never did

All the years were a lie, all the tears I have cried were for nothing.
The consuming pain that makes it unable for me function,
Just makes me that much more pathetic.

He loves someone so wrong,
But at least its better than the waste of a life I am.

You, with her,
Me with the kids, who lost us both.
I am no mother now, I am nothing
I am not who I was
I gave it all away to try for him

How do I keep going in a world,
Where he hates me and I lost it all.
I just wanted love.

How did I know that a half assed apology would make my way this morning?
How did I know that it wouldn't mean a thing, and that nothing would change?
History I suppose.
This history also shows, just how many nights I fought my own head to stay strong.
While you, lied, cheated, had no thought of my inner battle.
The battle you started.

I became weak as a kitten, with every passing day I yearned for the support from you.
I would scream "Please, I Just want you to hold me till I can face the world again!"
The screaming, you would just say would hurt your ears.
So, you'd walk away, or hang up the phone.
And the knife would go in deeper, through to the other side how many times?

If everyone else can see the pain in my eyes?
Are you the blind one? Or, do you just  see your own?
Am I just a mirror, and now that I am broken in pieces, not valued that much?
A little "****, I'm sorry" text.

After I tell you, you never run to me, so I give up.
I said you wouldn't do anything for me, and I deserve that.
I told you goodbye cause I was never worth that much to you.
and that you had every chance to prove the love I so desperately fought for,
you ignored me last night.

For the last time, you hung up on my pain.
For the last time, I let you, whom didn't care how hopeless I felt,
control the direction of my life.
You, were supposed to the man, the strong one protecting what you loved.
Yet, Battered, bruised, beat down by the world, and alone.
That's all I am.

You will read what I write, give up, and live on without me.
And that is why I choose to do the same.
History shows we weren't meant to  be.
And now I close the book, the pain.
And say Good Bye.

Maybe I should just write a book.
A tragic love tale, like Romeo and Juliet.
Our story is a little different though.
Where we send each other to our graves,
throwing punches, screaming I love you.
With tears in our eyes,
Betraying our trust, killing our faith.
And with every incident taking a little more of us away.

Maybe we should start a new book.
Throw this one away, a drama would be fine,
As long as at the end of the day,
We had each other,
Instead of begging for the pain to end.
Could we maybe do that?
Do you think?

Maybe if only a miracle would happen then one day,
we could be happy, not end up the worst thing for each other?
And the only thing I need?
Maybe you could take the time to help me heal?
To be the one to hold me close when Im screaming?

I think I would like that story line better.
But I will write our story.
I just wish for a happy ending either way.

Today I was thinking,
of your lips kissing every part of me.                
Do you remember that?
The morning we just couldn't let go of each other.
Pure energy every times your lips would meet my skin.
You were going to lock up for the weekend.
Our goodbye of sorts.
It was the most passion and the closest thing to love I felt in so long.
The thought, that you would be sitting alone,
thinking of all the parts of me you kissed all weekend,
You would have that memory to keep you company,
made it that much more  enticing.
I actually said I love you, and was so glad you didn't hear.
We were far too early for anyone to say things like that.
I wouldn't want what was happening to change for anything in the world.

You gave me that watch,
I was so amazed that for whatever reason you had it,
You would think of me.
And that made me want you close so much more, you would never know.
He smashed it,  he took it and smashed it.
I screamed at him, I cried so hard and I couldn't tell you.
I still think about it and the pain is still there
the emptiness feeling in my stomach when I saw the pieces lying there.
He had grabbed me and gave me the watch he had given me.
Screamed at me to wear it instead, I threw it at him.
Told him I wanted nothing more than for him to stay away.
I told him not to ruin what I  wanted anymore.
He did I guess, or did I? Did you?

That night at my house,
you know the one,
Where his rage took a stab at us.
And we left,
That night I chose you.
I left all my belongings, my home and I chose a new chapter.
I chose you.
Remember when you took my hand in the cab and pulled me close?
The safest I have felt in years.
The closest to anyone as well.
I felt your heart and who you were and I hoped for time with you like this.

You stole my heart and made me believe again.
And now your hateful words and absence make me know.
How utterly silly of me to give my heart away,
how ridiculous to think I would ever mean anything.
I didn't love him you know.
I was falling for you.
I loved falling asleep in your arms.
I loved looking into your gorgeous eyes.
I hate how it ended.
And now, I wish it was just beginning again.
I have the memories, your gorgeous face and eyes I can still see.
I think I will hold on for a little while more.