Dad, I hope you're not in your head,
Hating who you are.
It was an accident, I would still try to.
I hope you have peace, quiet for now.
The heartache that surronded your life.
Easing up, floating away until you feel none.
I don't want you to see yourself right now.
I don't want you to think that all you are was a chronic illness, a brokedown body.
That flames have now kissed.
Know that your intelligence still intimidates me.
Your humour quick, smart.
Even as I watched your body attack itself.
Slowly taking your life away.
As your anger and hate for what your body did to you.
Became all consuming, I still know who you are.
You are the amazing cook, terrible math tutor, lunch at home, you were my picture of strength.
You were the one when I was little to cuddle me.
You were the very proud man, who in a few calls could get it done
Dad,  I can still see your face.
I can still see the fright, the knowledge.
The forfeit.
I want you to know I loved you.
I want you to know I respect you more then any other person in this world.
I was with till the end,
and I know you will be with me.
I almost am excited for it to be my time.
To feel those arms that were so strong when I was little hug me once more.
To hear you say, welcome partner, we are home.
Until then, watch me close and yell at me loud enough for me to hear.
Help me with my choices, get me through this tough life.

It was your eyes,
That night my world got so much colder.
The sadness and the defeat.
The knowledge,that it was almost the end.
The silence, oh so quiet .
But your eyes screamed with love.
And with fear.
I would have waited, but you knew when you saw my face.
You couldn’t make me treat the burns.
You knew, you couldn’t say good bye.
You knew,
That this would be the last time your baby girl,
Would have to care for you.
I wish right now I could walk into my home again.
Like always, I could say “hey dad”
And hear a low voice say hey back to me.
Hear the chuckle, as you tease my kids.
Just like you used to do to me, you sure knew the buttons to push.
Sitting beside your bed, you lying silently.
I begged to any power that may be,
Please don’t let him be trapped in his head right screaming and hating himself.
Please don’t be angry at yourself dad.
Please,   please give yourself what you deserve.
I am so proud of who you were dad.
I am so proud to be your daughter.
I remember you patting my head when you thought I was asleep.
We were partners in crime.
I can hear that strong voice say I love you partner.
To be a kid again, and hear you say that  as I drifted off to sleep.
Oh, just for a second even.
But I grew up on you dad,
And as you watched me become bigger,
I watched your body  attack itself.
I watched your body take away everything you loved to do.
I saw you hate yourself for what you had no control over.
But you my dad, are the strongest, bravest person I have ever met.
You gave me my career.
No one else thought I’d be good at it but you.
And look at me now.
I care for people, and make their days better,
And I see you in every  single aspect of my day.
With every difficult person I see you,
The smartest man, knowledge on every subject.
The outdoorsman, the hunter, the never still hiker.
The brave paramedic that pulled boys out of frozen water.
The one I came to for every piece of advice I ever needed.
Not everyone could see what I did.  
That breaks me apart dad.
That makes me feel so bad for them, they missed out on an amazing human being.
It was never all roses though dad,
The anger inside you at what you knew you were becoming.
It was hard to watch.
Even harder to think about now.
The eyes of my father.
Had I known that it was the last time I would have seen them open,
I would have said much more.
There would never be enough time,
But I would have said I love you as many times as I could.
You were so strong for mom and I.
You tried to make sure we were okay, unaware that this was it.
But I saw it in your eyes dad.
I saw the love, I saw the regrets, I saw the good bye.
I just wish I had realized what I was seeing when it happened.
But I know dad.
I know who you were, I know what you meant.
I know how much you loved me.
I know how hard you fought.
Your eyes, a  picture I beg to leave my mind.
But grip as if it is my lifeline.
I felt your hand rub my forehead, as  I lay beside your hospital bed.
I was humming,   the words I’m gonna love you forever and ever.
Forever and ever amen.
Never rang more true.
An old country song,
The words of my heart.
Your eyes in an instant made my worlds view change.
Your eyes are with me in every thought.

My old friend,
My one that got away.
My number one fan.
My one thing certain.
Why?
Why did you do it?
Steal this from me,
I want to scream to whereever you are.
All of the things I should have.
Ive never felt so guilty,
If I had more time,
I wanted time with you.
I wanted a hug, to hear your voice.
It's gone now.
We had this amazing bond.
You loved me unconditionally I know.
Why, why didn't I show you it back enough.
I am so scared to never have you in my life again.
I am awake hoping you know.
I haven't slept in days.
Every song reminds me of you
And I break down.
You didnt have to do it you know.
I wish you would have showed up at my door.
I beg to let this be a nightmare.
Please, please have your face shaking me awake.
Please let me see your grin and hear your voice.
Please fill this emptiness I have had since they told me.
Please.
You couldn't have ended your life.
You couldn't have stolen your amazing self from the world.
I knew you as one of my first loves,
I knew you as a best friend.
I knew you as a passionate secret.
I loved it all.

My old friend,
My one that got away.
My number one fan.
My one thing certain.
Why?
Why did you do it?
Steal this from me,
I want to scream to whereever you are.
All of the things I should have.
Ive never felt so guilty,
If I had more time,
I wanted time with you.
I wanted a hug, to hear your voice.
It's gone now.
We had this amazing bond.
You loved me unconditionally I know.
Why, why didn't I show you it back enough.
I am so scared to never have you in my life again.
I am awake hoping you know.
I haven't slept in days.
Every song reminds me of you
And I break down.
You didnt have to do it you know.
I wish you would have showed up at my door.
I beg to let this be a nightmare.
Please, please have your face shaking me awake.
Please let me see your grin and hear your voice.
Please fill this emptiness I have had since they told me.
Please.
You couldn't have ended your life.
You couldn't have stolen your amazing self from the world.
I knew you as one of my first loves,
I knew you as a best friend.
I knew you as a passionate secret.
I loved it all.

Is it a love story, or just a tragedy?
Is the tragedy how completely incompetent you are?
How sad a story for someone to be so broken,
that they are no longer a person.
A person would never hurt another like that.
A true human being would never treat someone like that.
I am mean, because you are cruel.
I am finished, because you were too weak and gave up too many times.
Do not blame me for your mistakes,
do not blame me for walking.
Too much of a coward to read what you have done.

Giving up your humanity was your choice,

it was never mine.
My choice is to let you, the heartless soul that I tried to help so many times.
Who left me alone, left me and ignored me at every turn.
My choice is to live while you die.
My choice is to smile,
You just want me to remain in the hell you created for me.
While you smile,
I refuse to give anymore of myself for someone
who never once saw my life for how horrendous you have made it.
Never tried to fix it
Never gave up the things that broke it.

You were my everything,
and you took yourself away and made yourself nothing.
You ignored everything and expected me to ruin myself,
while you carried on.
I am done,
I am finished.
You are not who I loved in the first place,
you are no longer you.
I am not holding onto to who you were,
when you never would.

You were once one of the first female supreme court judges.
An engineer, professor,  politician.
You were a loving mother,
The perfect husband.
Life can be cruel though.
Time has stolen your individuality.
I watch as your wife leads your hand down the hall.
To your room,  you remain suprised everytime.
The pain, in your families eyes,
Camoflauged with a smile.
As you introduce yourself as if you have never met.

You ask me where you are,
Why you're here.
I'll tell you, but you never believe me.
I try to explain over and over,
The shock is new everytime.

I take care of you,
I try to help you through this chapter of your life.
By the time I meet you,
You are not who you were.
Your mind is lost in time and my face is always new.

Looking at your pictures I try to see how you were.
Try to imagine the strength,  the youthfulness.
I try to make you feel as whole as a stranger can.
I am here with you day after day.
Over time you become like family to me.

The disease has taken you,
I wish I could change all that.
But instead I'll just sit here,
Listen to your story of strung up words that make no sense.
I'll smile when you do
Look sympathetic when I need to.

You are a human being with the strength of a hundred men.
You have had the diagnosis told to you.
You were so aware of what you would become.
I am here to help you
I respect who you were, and who you are.
I try to make your last days a little better, easier.
I'm your nurse.
I hope I can help.
Even if it is just for a moment.
I hope you know,
What an amazing soul still resides in you.

I wish you freedom, memories and peace when it's your turn to go.
And I welcome who takes your place.
Never forgetting your individuality.

It doesn't seem fair does it?
So much emotion centered at another soul.
There is the passion, the completly overwhelming want to feel every inch of your body.
The unmistaken need of having you as close as humanly possible.
Your lips meet mine, and there is nothing that can overtake me that quickly.
Even your breath on the back of my neck is enough for me to,  for a moment or two forget the pain.
Forget how I spend most of the day.
We ended up in pergatory together.
As close as two can be, and never so torn as we are.
I'm so broken by your choices, pulled together again by the arms that tore out my heart.
We scream, spew hatred, cry, throw knives to see who can hurt who more.
Only to reach out for the other to save us everytime
To be true loves and each others poison.
It's truly terrifying.
Imagine you not here with me.
Imagine us spending the rest of our lives in this crazy chaos.
Lying in your arms is where I should be,
But the ghosts,
They can sure haunt a damaged soul.
Two people that have been broken into a million pieces.
The love, that undying unconditional truth that we cannot deny.
Why do we try my love?
Why is the anger so immense?
I wish we never even had to hear the word addiction.
I close my eyes, go back in time.
Before our life was unhinged.
I can feel that feeling,  feel the happiness run through my body.
Like a shockwave.
The lightning will strike again,
Reality will bring it all back.
Bring back the stranger who I remain chained to.
You, my disease
My cure.
Please save yourself.
To save me.
To save the perfect moment I forget how a white powder erased me from your mind.