Wide awake anxious to go
Recovery is causing delay
Emotionally charged feeling everything
On the sidelines missing out
All the hard work is being undone
Not sure how to feel seen as brave
Trying to survive make it happen
By doing the work get out there
The safe place feels like a lock down
Screams for help echos in the mind
Words won't come out of the mouth
Fight to be strong a regular struggle
Refusing to show weakness
Forgiving hoping things changed
Seems like it's worse easier to stay away

Sometimes people have nothing on you so they act your image because they can't win or get their way. All you could do is ignore them the more they talk they'll dig their grave and get caught up. It's easier to walk away they'll try to tarnish your image but it's a reflection of theirs that they are projecting on you.
Seeing them mistreat others it was only a matter of time till they fling their bad vibes your way. Not wasting time or energy on them focused on work and better skills with practice. Using energy in a positive way instead of lowering yourself to be liked seeking approval of others. Their views have no say or control on how you live your life so make the most of things.

He sat in his room for hours writing clearing his mind asking abd seeking meaning. Asking. Why this happened, how it all went down. He analyzed everything trying to live and learn from those encounters. Those experiences helped him build character. Doing what he loved things that helped him grow be better. Taking risks on his dreams pursuing goals his life was on hold. He wanted to get back on track.

A cold lonely night
Kids out on the hunt
Trick or treat
Some dressed as characters
Masks and costumes
Knocking on doors for candy
Outside is dandy with fun
Pumpkins carved candles lit
Decor on every house and corner
Don't be scared flirting with fear
Monsters and ghouls are near
Pretend to be some fun
After tonight back to normal
Happy Halloween

Older now asking where the time went. Yet to be in a healthy relationship. Dated all the wrong girls. Always creating pursuing a dream that makes sense, instead of having kids then settling down. Called crazy for trying told, it's never been done. Did things that have never been done quick to get backlash if something goes wrong. A chip on this shoulder growing older feeling bolder cozy in this thick skin.

Some days are easy working for it
While others are hard barely getting by
Trying to be strong for family
Keep trucking for peers a team player
Giving your everything possible
Feels like it's not enough exhausted
Eating right, struggling with energy
Feeling more energized taking risks
From one of the guys doing your part
Doing what needs to be done
Working hard to become the guy
Want to be able to be normal
This health condition is not an excuse
Over doctors' appointments never ending
Giving blood scans and tests
Mental health draining talking about it
Feeling restless pulled in many directions

He couldn't hold back the joy the tears. It finally happened the moment he had been working for years the day had come. He was always a sub feeling in the void now he would get a permanent spot. He didn't think I would happen he got cozy going through the motions. From day one he was told never get comfortable. Keep working, keep busy you'll get in.

Waking up with only 4 hours of sleep on the 3rd cup of coffee. Writing to clear the mind stay sharp. An open mind and open heart. Not able to write sometimes is worry some. Sometimes you think about people and how they treat me you. They'll make you out to be the bad guy playing the victim. Learning their word means nothing.

Alone for the holidays to keep from getting sick
Family had conflict but feeling unites
Tired of everyone being divided
Tears shed and apologies made
Family is more important than a grudge
An open heart is stronger than a closed mind
Life is to short to be alone
Everyone is hurting wants closure
Find inner peace be able to relax
Too proud to ask for help
Hard up to ask not showing emotions
Don't want to be seen as weak
How long will this feed be drawn out
One keeps talking while the other lives life
Chasing a dream that makes sense within
No one understands or seems to get it
A hug is better than resentment toward a being
Being able to talk without getting attacked
Share without your feelings being used against you

Another chapter, A day in the life of the wild one. He met someone but she wasn't the one all they did was waste one another's time. He worked to build his future as his past crumbled behind him there was no going back. He didn't know what to do outside of his soul ******* job. Tired of being yanked in many directions his limbs ripped off his body numb to the pain.
His head hurt the aches feeling destroyed and his defeated heart pulsing. Tired digging down to find energy conserve strength while being drained lifeless. Trying to stay positive in the toxic environment finding hope over feeling doomed

He was glad he made those cuts because they'll never change. He changed on his own terms and stayed away. They didn't help him all they did was criticize him make him feel out of place not welcomed.
He was tired of a one sided friendships and family members. If he didn't follow their rules they would slander him.
He just went away from them tire of feeling shamed and disappointed.
The high expectations no one was living up to. All the hurt he healed over time. They'll blame you for their wrong doing. Like if it's justified this freedom saying he's never go back. Never let anyone abuse his kindness. When he spoke up everyone made him out to be the crazy one. Everyone claimed to be over it when he told his side of the story.
All the false narratives were believed when the truth came everyone turned a blind eye. It was frustrating changed his ways he past due but collecting. Life was better without them.

The crazy thing about being in loving some one who doesn't love you back. Like an idiot you wait. then you see they moved on then decide to so the same but it ruins your current relationship. The person loves you but you don't love them back the guilty conscience eats at your soul.
That person is controlling and draining realizing its better probably easier to be single. Everything feels forced and never natural. Once you give maximum effort to make it work but being ruined all the demands are never good enough.
Once you are single you ask who you are and what do you want. Learn to do things by yourself. Thinking for one is hard enough but thinking for two extremely stressful.

You can have a conversation so you slander everyone's rep. Calling people delusional or crazy because they don't listen to your criticism no one asked for.
When people call you out or have a different opinion you try to excluded and isolate everyone. Never going to be accepted or fall into that shallow group.
Insulting my character says more about you than me.
Telling a person to pay rent when you never did. Piggy backing off others acting like you did the hard work. Too much time on your hands do something with yourself instead of knocking others

Love hate for work
Talking about school
Everything gets wild
Thinking about school time
Too much crazy going on
Wanting to help not need
Getting busy with goals
Everyone comes back appears
Needs something didn't bother before
Always tired trying to work it in
Time conflicts jujitsu becomes a thought

His writing would get him in trouble like his mouth. Telling the truth made others see the truth but didn't how to deal with it. He got it off his chest writing with anger didn't do any favors.
When he wrote it was about how others made him feel and wrote what he thought to escape all the anguish it caused him. Letting others know they arent the only one or alone.

He was reliable others flaked stuck stepping it up. Running out of things to say choosing peace over arguing stopped comparing, everyone does their own thing. Minding my mouth and business making remarks to be funny but making people mad. Not hard to do just having an opinion. Writing to tell stories get out. Trying to heal be a whole over the empty pass that tried to steal joy of the present. Not use to people being nice but it's the best feeling ever. Doing the right thing even when no one is looking is rewarding.

In his culture you couldn't show emotions it was a sign of weakness. Not able to vent to anyone because they'd use it against you. Trying to hold your burdens over your head thinking they have the upper hand thinking they could manipulate your behavior.
Or didn't care to hear your sad stories not making time for your feelings and emotions. Talking about you being mean and having the nerve to ask for a favor after all that disrespect it was like a slap in the mouth.
Spreading lies sick of all the rumors the people who came at him did way worse that's why no one bothered with them. He  stayed true keeping a good head on his shoulder anything he did bothered them.
He was told "your make me look bad" not his fault they didn't try or put forth any effort.
He did the work got straight to the point there was BSing his way through. He remembered they didn't have his heart or think the way he did but he was given an opportunity taking a chance to better his situation help others in the process.

I'm trying not to be a walking contradiction. It's hard make things better for everyone not focusing on myself. After being sick Trying to recover and not holding back on the work.

Always a team player treating others work like mine. When it's my work the half *** effort and not caring bothers me. Time for everyone but stuck doing everything last minute.

I just do what needs to be done not sit back and complain. Taking the blame. Do something about it stop feeling sorry for yourself. I don't care for pity parties. Do the work

Staying sobriety a sincere apology
Altered behavior learned from the mistakes
Working harder showing appreciation
Staying loyal to to everyone and loving
Who had my back through the struggle
Cutting off the toxic not longer involved
Toned down joking people are sensitive
Easily offended making it personal
Trying not to complain by doing my part
Showing gratitude by giving my all
Nice to be appreciated it's a blessing
Motivated to do more dealing with less

A new life a new love
Grew up ******* up
Not normalizing being low income
Working harder to move up
Don't always get the girl right away
But meet and find the right one
Haven't got the job wanted it
Something better on the horizon
After the quarantine there's more to life
Said there's more to life than work
Wearing a mask to be safe
Use to be a wild one living life to the fullest
Things don't always match up
Never line up accordingly
People flake so never making plans
Use to be free now stuck in a routine

He was moving on not looking back trying to live. Instead of hiding, running away. He stood his ground and standing alone taking on the world. His life had so many twists and turns. He had trust issues after his so called best friend got with his high school crush. That would be left open hard to find a friend worthy of the title. The girl he loved was a ****** but he did love her unable to shake and believe the turn of events.
He would work towards his goals always some kind of road block and detour to make his dream a reality. He had an open mind when it came to education but his heart was closer off and on reserved focused trying to get right back on track. He didn't like conflict but always dealt problems but never made them right both never could come to terms or a mutual agreement.

He was called a narcissistic because he didn't agree or was not giving these cruel people their way. They changed the narrative he kept to himself. The relationship was over why did his ex make false remarks. It was over she wanted more that was impossible for him to provide. It was overwhelming never good enough.
He knew she'd never be happy with him. It made him miserable denying himself feeling neglected by the one person that would ruin his day because things didn't go accordingly all he wanted was to be happy.
Be with someone he could trust be himself with out regret or doubt. He wasn't materialistic. His status would never be accepted or seen as an equal. Being told how to act and be made him numb hating himself because all the changing left him feeling like a shell of the old. The new was killing the old

Easy to move because of drama
After a while you stand your ground
You did the work put in the time
Do your part and go home
Can't please everyone
Not always going to be right
Make a fee mistakes lost in the work
Learning to express emotions other than write
Deal with those unsettling feelings
The path has cleared over time
Going through the untamed brush
People come and go with the season
Some have reasons like family and health
Promotions onto better careers
Retirement years of hard work to rest
Some are a key factor and hard to let go
While others its time please go
Some are not growing while others settle

Fear of death with cirrhosis
A clean diet can't appreciate life
Use to be a wild one growing up
Older and slowing down with age
Working for medical insurance
Going strong still able seen as a liability
Not making excuses being responsible
A worker after being around lazy people
High energy so many choose to be lazy
Keeping his mouth closed to avoid drama
Once it opens there's trouble on the rise
Working for health insurance to live
While others collect make no effort
Hated for the truth while lies get praised
Writing putting thought into perspective
Processing ideas that others share
Being creative not always in the moment

The anger to destroy others you implode it within destroying yourself
You hold yourself accountable
Living with the guilt tried to make it right
Everything went wrong ***** bad wins
Doing the work and spoke up
All you want is to be happy
Everyone wants you as company for their misery

I get sometimes people stress out but never help their situation. I don't have kids but id put them first over drinking. People don't mind helping but some take advantage. More excuses and lies tired of hearing them. A child asking for her daddy and not sure how to answer.
He got off work but not home or back yet. More lies and broken promises most fed up, and don't want to do it anymore. Always forgiving but never willing to change for anyone. Chosing to smoke and not able to function without a drink. Eventually everyone turns away; keeps a distance hard to trust not bothering anymore. Respect is lost and gone in the process.
Stealing from family more lies, forgiven but still holding a grudge against others. Expecting others to change but set in the same bad habits.

Hate this feeling trapped inside, so many hidden emotions within surfacing. Everyone is struggling going through something. Frustrations going through the motions all stag tones flat lining. Not sure how to feel or what to think anymore. Stay safe, wear a mask.
Writing more can't talk to anyone so-called friends MIA. Thankful to be working getting paid. Some days are better than others; easier to make it through the shift. Lifting your spirit give it to God and pray.

The voice in his head said you cant keep up this attitude or live this way anymore. Trying to hold on for dear life when the death grip should be release. Caring that load relieved from the tension. The transition should be embracing new let go of those old burdens. Can't change those outcomes but better for the next time around.

Praying for a friend who had a mild stroke. She has children that the family be healed and united.
For his cousin with 3 kids with 3 babies mommas. That he would get his life together and be a provider.
Gave it to God  because he's a man and can't do it alone on his own. Asking to be forgiven having a hard time Forgiving himself.
He forgave others to have peace, most never forgive him. He quick to move on pursuing his dream even though it's on hold because he wants to get his health right first.
He was interested in dating a nurse but sick of being in and out of the hospital. Thought about dating but the way it works now doesn't make sense.
Everyone wants all the perks of a relationship but no commitment. He was old school date for a while make it a relationship hopefully it would lead to marriage and kids making a family.

He worked hard finally appreciated
Dealing with people that work
Makes sense things are better
Instead of dealing with lazy people
Talks of sabotage for a career
For someone who wants to move up
Talks of becoming a lead to a lead
He knew that this was a big move knowing this persons a top prospect
Keeping things balanced going strong
A major role compared to before
Ignored treated bad no one's listening
An outside looking in not the place
Not going to find it in another person
Never materialistic seeking wisdom
Neglected feeling like a nobody
Determined to become a somebody

The hot summer weather was cooling
Hot nights becoming cold and fresh
Escaping the overwhelming heat
Writing enjoying a fresh cup of coffee
Clearing the mind of overthinking
Music plays in the background
Preparing and getting ready for the day

He shared his pain not inflicting it
Hoping others would understand
Been an outcast not meant to fit in
Many people suffering over the past
Not always going to have a say
Make the most of things
No control beyond your grasp
Take on what matters worth your time
Pick your battles wisely
Not always emotionally invested
Hard to get attached or close
Free from the bad focused on the good

Going out to dinner was fun just to get out of the house. Noticing people things have changed not the same and some much has changed.
A whole new world, and a whole new place, new faces, and a different crowd. Sometimes its good most of the time fighting it.
The world has changed the style worn as a teen/twenties is now retro and music is now considered classic.

He wanted to break this cycle not holding on to the toxic. He didn't always have an opinion or have to say anything. He minded his mouth and kept to himself. Why be around if he couldn't be himself. It wasn't fun or worth it anymore. Not like them better off alone hard to love him when they are trying to tell him who to be and how to act.
He walked away wanting to say something but he'd be ignored so he's not bothering anymore. He wasn't feeding an ego or wasting his time. The world wasn't all unicorns and rainbows. The cord was cut he was free from their judgement and criticism. It hurt but he knew it was the best thing. His days where long and focused on work and writing to make it through. He had a love hate with things but got more hate than love. He blocked out the bad he felt numb because of all the hurt and torment

He never cut them off they chose to leave or hold a grudge. He had a hard time, he never fit in always growing can't stay the same anymore. He wished them the best he didn't want to hold them back. Answering to all the wrong people he felt like they'd knock his efforts it was never good enough even though he gave his all. He failed came up short but never quit or gave up took a break after being broken inside.

They treated him like an idiot he was nice and they took it for granted. He could only do so much writing. Stay home because of the pandemic. Trying to be safe and respectful while so many rude people ruin his day. He ignores them but they spread their toxic in his direction.
Once he speaks up or says something hes the bad guy. Its the worse feeling they'll bully him or provoke him once he confronts them they are quick to play the victim. Its infuriating how its a one sided only their way or no way quick to torment others.