Walked up to the receptionist filled out the paperwork. The fish tank making relaxing noises. Need to talk get these looping thoughts out my head break the cycle. Talked to friends but they have problems; that shadow mine, that are more important apparently.
Really bad at expressing myself usually direct and straight up.

Tearing it down rebuilding
Not starting from scratch
Showing love can't get emotionally attached
Going forward not going back
Focused on faith getting back on track
Putting others first forgetting yourself
Started goals close to completing
Dreams that have been on hold for too long
Did the things that couldn't be done
The first in the family no one tried
No one cared or was happy for him
He loved his family its a battle of egos
Made him out to be someone he's not
Didn't like the two faced behavior
Talking about people then fake to their face
Acting like the world evolved them like if they approval is needed
He was responsible for himself
He didn't want anything from anyone
They didn't bother with him unless they needed something
Minding his mouth or business
He didn't like being cussed out
They got called out trying to justify it
He didn't always agree tried to understand

That macho BS among men
Some act like they don't need help
Others try to do it all too much pride
Some are just there making the most
The situation changes more crap
Making right others mistakes
Sometime you matter filling the gaps
Once they get their way set aside
What they want taking credit
They don't need you feeling robbed

His hard work was paying off. Setting new goals being told by his mentor he might be the boss one day. It was a high honor complement. He did get them but was still not use to it. Others quick to point out the flaw instead of give props for all the effort.
Working in a team leading by example open to grow and learn everything not one to wait on anyone. Hard to rely on anyone but made himself reliable this was strong towards his work etiquette. Working with a team that does their part that doesn't pass it to others.  He said "Don't leave it for the next guy, be the guy, who gets it done, make it happen.

The emotions get deeper as the feeling tug at his heart. His heart hardens as he protects himself from those who oppose him. Make him feel like he was doing wrong when all he wanted was to do his job with out conflict.
Be with his family without judgement or being treated differently head to another standard while others get away with doing the bare minimum. He didn't talk smack or feel it was necessary to put others on the spot. He wasn't perfect or anywhere close to being so.
He let go and realized it wasn't worth it anymore letting go was easier than being part of something that was tainted. No longer pure it lost meaning and value. It made him worse instead of better it was best to let go cut those losses and move on.

Forgiving for peace holding onto a grudge doesn't empower you it controls you because all you want to do is create scenario of things that never happened. Things you want to say or could say but if the confrontation happen nothing would be said.
Using your imagination playing with hypothetical situations. You think you have the person figured out but you don't know what they feel or going through trying to get the upper hand thinking you know to find out you have no clue.
It's okay to be wrong it will bring shame you'll feel embarrassed. Everyone makes mistakes just learn from it be a big and better person for next time if there is a next time.

He didn't have time to hold a grudge
Not talking about anyone it was dumb
He was focused more on his job
That had it's up and downs for days
Thought about asking the cute girl out
Change his career he was tired of settling
Thinking they changed but expecting to much
Only nice when they needed a favor or they wouldn't bother
Cutting out family doesn't make you right
Doesn't make you a better person
Some conversations needed to be had but that's not right to exclude anyone
Sometimes it's not about being right but doing what's right
Eventually it feels like everyone is against you making a stand sometimes it's a lonely road
While pretending everything is okay makes it way worse than before
Forgiving them and moving on is easy
Getting close and trusting is another
They'll try to bury or expose you while you've done nothing wrong.
Having an opinion gets you judged and treated different
Not a problem paying for things but when you demand name brands
And have deadlines for a potluck it's unsettling
Cared you had problems rather than help the situation things got made worse.
The power given doesn't mean people owe you or you own them. Letting that go to your head talking bad about others while you do the same thing.
Trying not to say anything but hard when you are being taunted and provoked. Definitely not seeing eye to eye or on the same level

They used him only a team when he did favors
Wasn't a **** up or a brown nose
He filled the void when someone called out
They inconvenienced him with their last minute crap
No one talked to him but around him
When they needed something he was an idea
Included in stuff that had nothing to do with him
He was willing to help but it wasn't fun or right
He didn't kiss *** to the lead go on trips with
Letting everyone off easy while he got taken for granted
Tired of proving himself doing more than most
He head them accountable it got disrespectful

Things would never be the same not pretending to be okay. It was wrong for anyone to say anything, He minded his mouth and business. Faded away not bothering just staying out of the drama. Looking at art questioning the artist respectfully.
As a creative person I wonder about the process because I could write for hours but drawing is an obsession of the details show without explaining.
Putting your heart soul and being into the art piece writing for me is like putting together a puzzle putting feelings and emotions together. Sometimes they connect other times it takes a while for things to link up.

Coaching was stressful being a corner man making sure the fighter was ready to go learned where the weaknesses are so that we could be better prep for the next fight.  Keep the mind sharp such a process writing about the experience on the road and on the Go.
A new feeling and experience when they do good that's on them when they fail its where we start and build on because so much transition breaking through to level up. Get to the next level not sure what to say and how to say it so the process leads to progress in the sport.
Not trying to lose or fail but that's where the growth begins. Trying to help in a new situation next level earning respect  building trust.

Ben was thinking about dating after being in a crazy relationship the trauma kept him from diving head first into a new relations. A one night stand that turned into a year and a month relationship.
He was happy to be in a relationship but she was never happy ruining things because she wasn't happy. He tried but it wasn't good enough. After failed attempts to end it. she would mustard up the courage to end it so she could be superior having the upper hand.
Years later she would have 2 children with the guy she cheated on him with and tried to blame him for her actions. He was crushed hurt never going back telling himself to be better not settle for less give up part of himself to be liked to be accepted.

This has been a rough journey. A year of doctors appointments and 5 months of waiting. God is great and made it happen for me. Coming to AZ was a 5 and half hour drive. The surgery took 4 to 5 hours to wake up in ICU. I pushing myself at work and light training helped with the healing. I had to attend AA, and my liver support group helped me mentally prepare for this.
I'm praying that Mayo Clinic gets the dosage to my meds right. on day 19 from the surgery, I get the stitches out. I'm still walking around with this suction bulb better safe than sorry. Being on the sidelines ***** learning to relax and recover downtime is all new to me because I'm usually doing something.I'm thankful for all the love and support. I feel like I'm given a second chance to do right to be better. A whole new perspective on life. I'm feeding, my spiritual growth reading the word.

Handling change isn't always easy not going to turn out accordingly. Doing it to be selfless so many narrate it out to be selfish. Always doing favors once NO is said that's always remembered.
All the other good deeds don't matter anymore.
Your moment passed moved onto new had no choice they went on without you. About time you did the same all the waiting wasn't worth it.

The weight on his heart he loved his family
Not sure how to make the wrong right
Someone was always mad with no given reason
Holding a grudge till death the only way
More silent treatment with hate filled glares
The cold shoulder with icy vibrations
Sorry isn't enough giving a bad attitude space
Not dealing with tempers or putting up with temper tantrums
Living life no need for a guilt trip
Pursing love and passion not feeding egos
Waiting around to be accepted will never happen

Hard to say NORMAL
Everything is weird and crazy that's usually how it plays out
It's not healthy but thankful to have someone
Not treated right but willing to make it work
Sometimes things don't make sense but work out
Being with the one you love doesn't work out
Someone that loves you doesn't go right
Trying to work it out mentality
Physically drained from missed opportunity
Hard to cope with change so rapid
Never given a chance for things to grow into more
Friendships end growing apart
Or over girls that lusted around close friends causing a divide

Things didn't happen right away
Not sure what to expect or how to act
Not always the first pick or get the girl
Didn't get his hopes up came up short
Usually ended up disappointed
Lost in his hopes feeling overwhelmed
Emotions got the better of him
Betrayed by family still showing love
Hurt by his best friend hard to trust
Stayed away got sober friends faded
Blamed for cheating his girl cheating
Called bad names an unfaithful luster
Trying to expose the shame of yesterday
Did it matter it was all in the past
Taunted by the tormenting present
Pulled back by the past fighting regret
Living in the moment escaping anguish
Focused on the future new goals rising up

What's the lesson
What am I suppose to do
All these thoughts seeking close
From friend to for they burned you
Now playing the victim putting on a show
Turned your back walked away
Running their mouth so much to say
For not liking a person
They talk about a lot it's sad
Never one of them not pretending
Told how to act no thank you
Talking about others that's two faced
Now acting loyal and true that's cruel
Slandered for having an opinion
Dk how to debate made it personal
Trying to wipe out a person for walking away

In silence reading a good trying to educate himself. Thought others would teach him but had to do it himself. Taking in the info trying to process apply things to life. Lots of repetition wanting it more because they told him he couldn't do it.
Said it couldn't be done but he's been doing it without excuses. The things he loved brought him hurt so he tried to find what he loved doing things for the wrong reason trying to make them right.

Writing has been an eye opener having those honest moments with yourself. Doing a self check what's wrong and what's on your mind?

Made cuts some people are welcome but shut you out. You shut them out and walk away. Tired of contributing to one sided relationships. Already taking on a load and about to add more stress.

Sitting in AA and a support group trying to be normalish. Mental health can be saved once you drop the burden of the earth. Asking what you want what makes you happy. Make goals and achieve one step at a time.

Hard to be a winner when everything goes wrong. It's okay to enjoy a celebration. The pursuit of life is about maintaining keep doing the work

Watching them grow avoiding the drama always on the go. Always a private person no one needs to know or tell my business. Don't like being responsible for others since they are quick to blame than own up.
He walked away as they act like they pushed him out. Made him out to be the bad guy to justify their cruelty. Making it one sided it's always about him never what they did.
He let them run their mouth it would eventually end up in their mouth. He left and not looking back let go of those feeling he use to hoarder away.

He loved family someone was going through something
Everyone put up with it love faded
Minding his mouth it made things worse
Saying sorry was hard he was treated mean
Dealing with his feelings was like defusing a bomb
Rather than say sorry he moved on
Broken from the inside out
Didn't do wrong got attacked
Tired of arguing it was pointless
Fighting to be heard seen as the bad guy
Couldn't change their minds it was made up
The didn't respect him he stopped trying
He closed them out felt trapped inside
Wasn't going to force his way in
Not his way of life anymore
Drinking want fun all the depression
Hoping to meet someone
While settling for the wrong person
Stuck with manipulators taking him for granted
He loved family his space felt invaded
Not sure how to act and respond
Life's not hard but others complicate it
He was silent but loud in his head

Hung with an old coworker pretending to be an adult figure quick to tell him what he's doing wrong. Pointing out his flaws bringing up topics from the past. He escaped there was no going back it was over that chapter of his life.
Bringing up the old lead a guy who didn't do anything but pawn his work out on others. Then take the credit like he did it pretending to be a somebody over a job title that made him useless.
He transferred moved onto a new location. He didn't care for drama so he was alone. Blessed thankful he was financially well off.
He tried to put himself first but wasn't conceited about it. He knew people didn't like him. He didn't say anything and still got hatred if he spoke his mind everyone was ******.
Trying to meet his social obligations a year after being exclude it got easy for him to be alone.

Told the same old stories. ready to move onto new. Start a new book rereading doesn't change the end. Time to change change book new journeys and adventure just like living life. Embrace the new instead of the same daily stale routine. Changing it up with some luster and surprise.

He had been betrayed by friends how can he trust anyone. The women he loved were never loyal didn't love him back. Some how it was his fault for their actions. If he made a messed up, he would own it. Most of all be held accountable. Never hearing the end of his mistake. Things are not the same he worried for others that allowed it instead of doing something about it

He was inspired to pursue his dreams after placing them on hold. He wanted to help but had nothing to offer. He learned that he would have to help himself first. After being insulted by someone he thought highly of. Always assumed the worse or expected him to fail.
Bouncing back knowing he's not seen as an equal but working harder than those whom judged and labeled him. He was never materialistic and treated people right that said more than possessions. In the trenches making moves while others say back watch him do the work once he made it they wouldn't give him any credit. He had a chip on his shoulder but it never went to his head.
Everyone would point out the flaw and mistakes rather than give him any credit. He'd cross things off his to do list while others would add ideals or standards that kept him out of had nothing to do with but expected him to live up to these standards.

Away from everyone
Enjoying down time
His heart meant well
No hidden agenda for gain
Being genuine with love
Told the truth facing hate
Not into others drama
Minding his mouth seeing bad
Tired of turning a blind eye
After having an opinion
His character being slandered
Trying to make him look bad
All he did was focus on his faith
Did his part went home to recharge
Can't get the promotion filling the void
Carrying all the weigh hard to breathe
Caring more while everyone leaving
Looking out for others the betrayal
Used up and chewed up spit out

Feeling empty when he didn't read his bible. Always feeling like the world is against him. Being judged while being in the rut working hard trying to be invisible get through the work week. Found peace and closure alone most point out his flaws or tell him his wrongs.
He didn't ask or bother with people they always hurt his feelings or let him down. He didn't expect much of others but started expecting more for himself.
He use to joke about being the threat because most tried to come at him he'd check them. Now he turns away knowing better than to waste his time on things and people that did not respect or value his time.  Never talking about people but they always had something to say about him. Making things personal because they had nothing on him. As the threat making them feel insecure coming at him since he didn't give them their way. Giving him crap for not doing things annoyed with him trying to assassin his character to feel empowered.
Grandpa told him you don't have to say anything when you haven't done wrong others trying to include you in the drama that's none of your business.

In his head he thought highly of them
Time pasted he hyped up others
So much change over the years
A lonely guy who wanted a family
Friends with kids and not happy
Still single waiting for the one
Looking for love while others lust
While others divorced calling it quits
Blaming young love for it failing
Starting a new relationship
The way he felt changed
Seeing things differently
Feeling hated by everyone
Unworthy of love wanting to fit in
On the outside looking in
All the resentment keeping a distance

Family always argues or fights. Some follow the rules while others think it doesn't apply to them. Making a standard while others place bad around you to justify the insanity. Stuck between things that have nothing to do with you.
Lots of arguing and blaming some own up while others blame everyone but themselves. Pride and ego keeping family divided. All these made up rules and boundaries but expect so much from others.
Fighting to be yourself be an individual others don't get you or understand so they try to cancel you out.

He'd give everything up for everyone he loved. After a while he felt taken for granted overwhelmed. He thought highly of them and they treated him like he was worthless. Treating them fair telling him he was crazy.
Able to step outside of his comfort zone tired of feeling boxed in. Shining more while everyone gave him crap causing him to doubt himself.
Part of the team hoping everything works itself out instead of false promises and ideal outcomes

He was friends with the errie darkness
His heart was feeling the soothing cold
Taking in the deep silence feeling relaxed
Away from the world that rejected him
Walking through the life alone
Told never go against the family the family that betrayed his trust
The black sheep that go disrespected
Writing about those who wronged him
Being honest with liars and cheaters
Saw good in others They proved him wrong
Getting older seeing things differently
Looking out for others
The cheater tries to talk to you about  being loyal
They'll gaslight you easier to walk away

He ran into an old friend. She smiled but couldn't place her face. He thought I know this person he observed her name tag. Then it clicked an old school colleague. He realized everyone was getting older most hide their age but she was very natural some white hair. He realized he didn't look the same from high school. Did she remember him recall his face or was he just another stranger from the past that's forgotten.

Chasing the future everything's changed
Friends come and go like the seasons
Staying single over failed relationships
Doing the work makes things better
Trying to make it easier by maintaining
People throw you under not worried
It will come back to them eventually
It ***** when you can't find the words
When you change others try to bring the worst
All you can do is your best even
If it's not enough trying more than most
Making you feel not good enough
The torment fade when you break away
They have nothing on you they are stuck

It was college he thought she was the one
He wanted to spend the rest of his life
But once school ended it would be back to reality
The future would divide them
He wanted more she told him
She didn't want a relationship
A week later his emotional eyes seen
She would be with someone new.
He felt like he missed his chance
He didn't want to rush emotions intense
But held back saying how he felt
Those bottled up feelings got the best of him
He spoke up not great at expressing himself
Saying nothing the emotions ate him up
He let go when he wanted to fight for her
She made up her mind so he let go
Not forcing love but feeling not enough
Unworthy of something that was never there

Instead of worrying that it didn't happen. Asking what's next setting new goals and pursuing the ones that have been placed on hold. Finally a set schedule to work with and around. One location instead of two.
Asking why can't it happen instead of the same roadblocks and detours. Past due missed so many moments. Somethings because you can and other times asking why all the possibilities.
The outcome does always turn out the way you visualize them. While those ex factors pop up throwing things off. Turning things upside down and the thought of being wrong didn't expect the results that occured. Trying to make the moment perfect but it never happen hoping the opportunity would come back around.
All these mind swapping thoughts sometimes it's too good to be true other times in conflict not believing how everything went wrong. Trying to reflect on the good hard to do when bad tries to shadow all those efforts.

He wasn't one to judge anyone, he was trying to better his situation. Fix himself since He seen and been through stuff. He didn't use or take advantage of anyone to get there. He was always working for his learning to say what he wanted. He got tired of going with the flow because it never ended well. In the end felt robbed and cheated by everything. Provoked by people he valued that made him feel worthless.
Came up short on those effort. Tried and did more since no one else cared or put forth any effort.
Once he spoke up or called them on their action they would try to blame or give an attitude because they got caught. He might've looked busy but did observe the situation.

Walked away stayed away from it all. Let them think they won all they do is talk. You set the bar no tried or went that far. Provoked can't stay on top forever takes a lot to get there. Receiving so many haters and doubts ready to pounce on your spot. Knocking you once they to that moment you aren't bothered and don't care anymore. Always the person they blame always focused on the work. Doing what matters not into all the talk or drama causing excuses.

Not able to drive feeling depressed
Relying on others is the worse
Years of being free to do whatever
Hate being limited due to the transplant
Not able to lift more than 10 pounds
Dropping stuff ***** not able to bend
Dealing with the worse people
Saw good but proved wrong yet again
Poor judgement once again
Being aided to do laundry
Not on my terms or time
On theirs is the worst waiting around
Something special and important
Not taken serious seen as a vacation
Kindness abused hope being drained
Sleep deprived by snoring and arguing
Rushed when it's your time

Learning to forgive is hard
Grew up around rude people
Most Never apologized
You apologized never forgiven
Being drained turns to shutting down
The anxiety clouds judgement
Stress makes it hars to focus
Thoughts looping seeking justification
Playing scenarios possible outcomes
Usually another ending occurs
Trying to prepare lighten the blow
Never expect what could be
Aftermath could amount to nothing

Working to pay the bills over the same old routine dealing with others demands after a while he asked what would they do without him. Half the time they dump on him and treat him bad when they don't get their way. Use to being ******* over they talk about him but he's not saying anything because once they are triggered they think they have the right to take him down so they feel secure about themselves.
He just wanted to ask out the girl he had a crush on. Go on a date have fun all he did was work with bossy demanding people. He gave and didn't expect anything in return. He loved to write it made sense he could feel and be himself without judgement or hide himself because they don't care about him just expecting results. He wrote feeling free observed and analyzed his life. He made mistakes and gave up his social life to be sober because most of his friends drank it wouldn't help him get clean.
Stayed single because his relationships got complicated he wanted to balance it out have both but it wouldn't work out in his favor. His needy jealous insecure girlfriend would make him feel bad because he didn't listen or do things her way. Not able to enjoy life with friends because once his friends got in a relationship they chose that over his friendship.