I don't really have a type but the kid of girls that grab my eyes do jujitusu or play softball. I like tough girls but when they are with you they are caring and sensitive away from the sport. Not into physical feature but I like big eyes and a cute smile. A big ***** is a bonus but I don't have a type just saying that's what catches my eye. I like mixed half something mix that makes interesting that's another way to see unique it's the personality that is a deal breaker you can be the most beautiful person ever but if you have a crap personality you are ugly. I've learned you need to be humble treat people. Stop letting your insecurity consume you and your happiness.
I'm not use to compliments but I rarely give them out when I do it really impressed me or caught my eye. I'm not quick to say I love you unless I mean it or my feelings are true. I don't use people or have a hidden agenda it's true or nothing.it makes things easier too bad it's complicated for others. I tell the truth not what you want to hear. I like honesty but it's so hard to come by not picky but if you treat me right I'll be good to you communicate don't pick and choose when you want to be involved with my life. As I get older the dating world is slim pickings I usually want them and they don't want me. Or they want me but I'm not interested or emotionally available.
My friends say put yourself out there I do it's like I pop up when everyone is taken or going through a break up giving me their worse I work with it but they go back or quick to get with someone else because they can't handle being alone.
Times have changed when I wanted friends with benefits everyone wanted to get serious now I'm looking for something serious and everyone wants to be in an open relationship. I don't like sharing taking people serious or don't waste their time.

Things don't make sense anymore
Once was wrong not it's right
So many turn a blind eye
don't care unless it's about them
Broke free to be on my own
Too much going on in the mind
Hard to sleep thoughts are deep
Asking do I have it anymore
Does it matter will I make a difference
What happened to me, who I was
Can't be that person anymore
so many remind me of who I was
instead of accepting me for who I am
Who I've become not sure anymore
Things will never be the same
Grow and changed can't live in the past
Smile is real not faking it since it's real
so many mistake it for weakness

Appreciating the moment when things become clear so many unanswered questions. Making sense of everything it's a load off. It's cool to collaborate but being told yes and ignored is the worse. Being heard and understood is a breathe of fresh air. I'm not one to impose on others or go out of way to give my opinion when no one asked.
Writing Has been on my mind, asking, "how do I want to say this?" Set a tone where it can help others that want to be helped. It's hard to put yourself out there but once you get out there you won't regret it. You'll experience rejection and ignored but once you connect with the right people it will be worth your time.

Anytime you do a project or step on a stage
You don't want it to end that world feels right
Once you go back to reality it's never the same
That moment of fame becomes a high when you come down you can't get enough

All we do is hurt one another
Not a match or meant to be
Hard to shake can't take it anymore
What I thought was right is now wrong
Look of disgust and broken trust
From smiles to smirks the heart turn black
That love turns to hate evil eyes Pierce the soul
From eye contact to hard to look at
From hugs and love to avoiding one another

He was cool with everyone never said anything about anyone. Focusing on work making it easier for himself. If others benefit that was a plus. He was hard working with little time feeling everything was a crunched trying to beat the clock.
He like to be alone since some people didn't always seem right for once he trusted his gut. Didn't say much but did listen and observe.

About to start a new journal
Filling out each page day by day
As I get closer to finishing and starting a new one
Lots of reflecting, poems/lyrics and dialogue.
My mind wanders and helps me cope
Life is not always fair don't care when I have a pen
Feelings change those bad thoughts come to an end
Imagine it see it feel it believe it
sometimes exploring lead to relieving the tension
Pour it all open on the page paper obsorbs these thoughts
Feelings that don't feel right or make sense
Keeps emotions centered so it wont consume the soul
Writing is never done a never ending process
No need to obsess let it go don't settle for less
It hears me when no one else does
A muted voice it understood in words
Feel free flying with wild birds
Exploring new worlds hoping to find that place
The place that makes sense to call home
Find away home feel cozy in my own skin
Somewhere going strong for the win
New chapter a place for the pen start over write
Do it all over again my mind at peace never let it end

Dealing with alpha females that take and never give back. Emasculate you then have the never to play the victim. Always sit back as they make plans then expect you to pay for their it. Especially since they make drama for everyone. Talk about everyone the audacity to ask for favors. The evil reign of terror with belittling leadership talking about respect but stomping on everyone to get it.

Not one to complain if it's not in my favor I don't care
Keep working hard going strong do what's right not into empowering evil deeds
Not buying into the wicked not one to cheat to win
Not into the cheaters a bunch of man eaters
Golddigger who claim the prize but did nothing
They don't deserve to be their stealing the credit
No more lies or buying into them
Cut me out talk bad out me you'll regret it
You decided to oppose me don't ask me for a favor forget it
Worked hard and sick still fighting to make it to the end
Someone get praised for doing nothing
While I do as much as possible not even acknowledged

Some days are bad most are better
Not letting bad habits over come the good deeds
Love family but some are all about their greed
Be with someone you love treats you right
Why settle for less when you deserve the best
Be with someone you love not use one another for selfish gain
Failed love can't be repaired the pain will strike a nerve
Words full of lies that mean nothing failed out you pretend everything is fine
Two world's collide instead of unite the after math only time will tell

Today was long staying positive feels like things can be going wrong. Doing what's right not looking to start a fight. I told myself to inspire **** and burn like fire. Never quit or back down start bad mouthing me once I turn around. I respected you while I said it to your face. I'm staying calm because you making me mad is me letting you stay in my head and you offer me nothing but bring out the worse in me. You give me your worse I'll give my all and be at my best move to the next level not go back down sink to yours.
I got better things to do than waste my time with you. Been thinking of ways to change things can't continue to be the same.

Ran into her outside of work she had the biggest smile happy to see me. I was glad to see her the thought of dating again brought up bad memories  and did appreciate her as a friend didn't not want her to hate me because that's how most of my relationships end. I did want to try do things differently for the first time in years I was emotionally available. Half the time I'm with someone who doesn't love me back and I'm trying to win them over or I was not emotionally connect because my heart belong to someone or I protected it vowing to never get hurt. I've been hurt and hurt others I don't want to do that anymore.
Always needed a sign a few weeks later we would talk to one another at a stop light. It was nice to catch up until the light turned green. I do think and wonder most say try make your move but that's hard to do we are a couple years apart and do if the chemistry but their is a vibe not over reacting because last time I thought there was something I was wrong one of the worse feelings ever. Not holding back or trying those is not doing me any favors.

Feeling trapped in my head so many make me think k onto over thinking.
I like my job but over being bounced around. I'd like to focus on what I love which is writing and jujitsu so many time conflicts and restrains that make me think and wonder.
I write all the time some tell me I'm good, while others criticize ripping me a new one. Some people like to get in your head ruin your inner peace because they are not happy with themselves. I'm one to help and encourage others, I use to want and help others; I'd rather be alone found comfort in my own company.
Took time out to figure it out, things don't feel right others try to contaminate your good vibes
Sometimes I want to write and post other times; I just save them, why write if you can't share.
I don't know sometimes, things pile up in my head. Writing is the only way to get it out, also podcasting, I love express myself that's why people get mad at me because I tell the truth lieing takes up too much, time and energy. I prefer to be straight up. Been a while trying to get back at it

Not to fond of the holidays thanksgiving a time to be around family but year around no one gets along or talks unless favors are needed. Can't eat turkey because being allergic just means eat ham. Don't really have traditions but a sister is making the notion that we should start our own traditional feast. Not too fond of the ideas being forced to interact with brothers that make everything person but claim it's a joke. Once you return the favor they can not dish what they serve. Love family but not like them and never felt like one of them. Blood doesn't make you family because close friends treat you like you belong and matter.
Christmas is a time for family as well but not expecting gifts or giving them out. Usually go with and aunt or best friend never feels like anyone is into the season. After these times are over life goes back to normal. Where family doesn't talk or impose their ways. Not close to anyone because being my own person means much. No awkward conversations about being single or talking about my personal life with a stranger. Like privacy but being able to feel safe when expressing my thoughts instead of everything being used against me for some useless argument that has nothing to do with me because not empowering that nonsense walking away makes it easier then having to encounter misconduct by family that in their mind is seen as looking out.

Sometimes being to deep and honest makes it hard to sleep. Letting go is hard when I need you you're never there. Now I moved on don't care now you're back acting like nothing happened. Protect myself from your wicked ways not interested regardless if you come or stay. What nonsense do you have to say to impose your way. Over your selective ways in and out making my friendship a convenient. Things go well not even thought of but when crap hits the fan all of a sudden an idea and thought of. Breaking this cycle not playing these games over all the drama no shame not playing over all the lies and pain. Fading memories no longer remain

She noticed him and he noticed her, there was a sparkle in their eyes. They would meet through a mutual friend. He smiled and said hi. She noticed his ****** piercings and asked if it hurt. Both with big smiles. He noticed her brown hair that was curly like curly fries.
They talked got to know one another he was brown and she was mixed. She enjoyed his company, he was not use to anyone caring because he grew up with tough love. They spent time together it was rewarding and all new to this late bloomer. He remembered the first time they kissed it was magicial intense his heart skipped a beat things felt right for once.
Eventually it would be short lived since the puppy love fadee away. From close to complete stranger being in the same room was no longer possible. They got anxiety and not able to communicate.

Can't wrap my mind around the madness of others they think they are helping but just making things complicated. The worse part is it's my family. I stopped judging others because those people are in my family but how long do you turn a blind eye? How much do longer do you avoid them but they seem to be back making your blood boil. Not an angry person but the mind won't let it go in and out circling thoughts of say this do that. It's better to do nothing instead of being self destructive don't need others to make bad decision could be done alone. If they knocked you take them down with you make them feel their wrath and you take the blame while they play victim. So hard to escape enjoy life when you think that shouldn't of happened, why did it happen? How could've you prevent it but it's too late it already happened.

The stranger in the mirror
A sign to take better care of yourself
Need to live always at work
Helping more than ones self
Use to be close now it's gone
Now it seems farther away
Smiled at her dk if she's interested
If she feels the same way back
Tired of being changed tossed away
Looking for love with the right one
Fixed for the next trying to be rejected
Need to be accepted for once
Over disrespect tired from arguing
Why fight for the wrong person
Someone living in the past looping
Who's stuck on an ex can't move on
Tired of waiting going crazy debating
Mind refuse to go along with the scam
A loving heart that's ready to settle

Changing crowds has been helpful
Away from the toxic negative people
Vibing on the team and success
Seeing the hard work pay off
Putting in the time paying dues
Seeing one of you team mates move up
Makes you want to do the same
Be better you know what
Needs to be done to get there
Get more technical with things
Improve your performance
Be about it stop talking
Tired of being stuck
Over being in the transition
Get to the next level
Challenge yourself everyday

Sometimes people try to make you feel small because you are a threat to their power trip. Not interested in that role not trying to complicate things, but work hard do what's right. Keep striving to improve be better.
People don't always listen because they just want to tell you.
Writing has been therapy you bounce the idea around try to figure it out like a rubix cube. Able to make sense of these temporary feelings and emotions putting them into perspective.

In a field where the wind blows quietly with a green fence as he threw his softball at a stump it rolled back. Took in the scene at peace feeling at ease away from all the chaos and insanity. At peace with nature feeling all the insanity fade away no more bad memories and pain the silence empowering gain.

I remember I enjoyed drinking thinking I was a bad person. I'd share a story or two with my peeps hoping to feel find closure. Never cared to do drugs but a close friend did a line of coke right in front of me. People changed my addiction consumed me. Another friend stole so she could get her fix but it never made things right. The day she stole from me things changed. I needed to clean up. I realized alcohol made me tolerant to people because I didn't always agree or understand it would blind my judgement. I didn't like others speaking on my behalf or representing me. Once I quit drinking times got hard. My friends fall away. I changed but they think I'm that same person no longer that person anymore. Older wiser and never the same sober living has made me alone. I would question everything but I only question my actions and what I want looking for so I can achieve my goals and dreams.