Back to work after 6 months of being down. I'd rather do it alone. I've been my own advocate till the doctor suggested a care taker. It was scary but I had to be brave. My motto was crazy enough to comeback for more.
Lots of praying giving it to God. Part of me wants to argue but it's not worth or worthy of my time. Trying to change not going back to bad habits. Not back tracking or stopping for anyone trying to derail the track.

Some days are hard I give my all. I might nudge people because I mean well. It's been a tough week took a beating asked nice while being provoked and taunted. Some days I feel strong other days I feel like glass that can be easily broken but once broken those sharp ends cut and cut deep.
Sometimes it's a fight to be who I am but found change is part of life it will help you grow. I can't keep doing the same stuff moving forward progression.

Being the voice of reason
Everything changing a new season
Thankful for the old times
Blessed with the new crew
Finally got props from the team
Usually working hard feeling pointless
Mentoring others that want to learn
Trying to help constructive criticism
Being pushed by corrupt leadership
Years of being used finally rising up
Learning everything possible
Can't wait around on anyone
From behind the scenes to a lead
Taking charge since no one wants it

Fell of trying to get back on track feeling distracted trying to stay centered and composed. Working hard barely getting it done trying to stay strong not fall back into bad habits. The sugar calming the nerves becoming a craving every time stress feels high. Anxiety taunting you telling you the opposite of what needs to be done. Being ******* yourself since it feels like it's on you no more passing through filling the void.

He realized he was meant for better let go of all the bad and negative. Things around him change didn't care for the toxic vibes put out by those he loved learned the hard way that he wasn't always going to be liked and can't please everyone.
He watched people be fake one way with him and a whole new person with someone else. He had their back and looked out for them. While they knocked him said bad things making everything personal. He knew their ***** secrets but he didn't say anything. He walked away if he spoke up he would be as low as them. He didn't like others reflecting him or trying to make him look bad. He can easily do it himself he didn't need their second hand hatred.
He lost friend people he valued you like but with his family there was already so many critics. He didn't need more. He wanted to be everyone's friend someone their turn to if they needed help but he decided to stay away from everyone's drama avoid all the gossip he never talked about anyone he always said it to their face. He thought they'd appreciate him for it but it got him hated. While others would bad mouth and be fake got loved and praised it never made sense. He was always over looked and never given a chance. He worked didn't brown nose. He worried and prayed his work would stand on its own. He learned on his own while others had guidance. He wanted to make it tired of looking over seeing the grass was green but he did keep trying to make his grass seem just as good maybe better.

Those moments came to life; before his eyes when he began to write, he could see that place that moment that made him smile, like an out of body experience. Years had pasted but deep in his heart those moments come to life and feel so real. He was a young man early twenties when he met this young lady. They were into one another, the puppy love made his heart flutter. They use to be lovers she was the one his heart wanted. Denying her was like denying part of himself. He would not be emotionally available because he wanted her, without her. he felt eympty incomplete.
It was hard for him to date because he never took anyone serious he was stuck on her but would have to move on. She would move on get married have two kids and he would still be a hopeless romantic hoping to find love one day.

The heart break from love
Sore from fighting through
Burnt out mentally overwhelmed
Pushing through physically
A scar shows healing overtime
Improvement doing better
Life with anger turns to humble
Pain becomes pleasure years of immunity
Free from anguish escaped the past
Released from the struggle free onto new

Wanted to sleep in but work called me in
Thought about quitting so I can do some living
Soul searching doing what I really want
Haven't felt like me for a while just in this routine
My job doesn't define my full potential
Let the words flow through my heart
Clear my mind pursing what I truly love
Pen or keyboard the feelings and thoughts are pure
Writing has been the cure to help grow and mature
It's been deep since I've had anyone close in life
Someone who I can trust that understands
Always alone a rebel not like the rest clan
Trying to fit in but walked away not settling for less
Forgiving others is the hardest part since you think they'd change too bad things remain the same

Not the same anymore
Ppl talking lies not able to trust
Actions that made things personal
Rather than seek revenge cut the cord
Claiming to love you but with another
Wanting to show love selectively
After causing hurt same bad behavior
Not rewarding toxic living with good
Empowering corruption manipulation

Ready to go home over the drama
Ready to leave see my mama
My time is done time to have some fun
Spoke my mind told the truth don't need to run
No need to blame it on the alcohol to make a drunk call
Always the same but the filter breaks under the influence telling the truth everyone gets so defensive
Called them on their shady ways not they made plotting revenge to make me pay
Already honest and modest not putting up with all this taking it all in because you going through some BS sorry you choose to go through and settle for less
The time is up going home don't need to listen to everyone issues get the tissues this is work leave at the at home. Focus on the job your are a mess at least pretend you are grow. Shut up work get paid who knows you might get made paid more so hang in there until next time off the clock got to go

He wasn't scared he didn't care what they did. All they did was ignore him try to make him do and be someone he was not. When he spoke up stood his ground they hated him.
When he went along part of him died inside and he hated himself because he wasn't like then, all the lowering to be like and accepted it all gor old. They never changed most of all never be happy for him. Family hit hard hurt him the most with silly standards they weren't even living up to. He wasn't two faced to pick and choose when to care.

With pictures on the wall reminding you of good times. Pondering and wondering what happened to the good time? You are older and wiser before you told yourself you'd never get old it's a state of mind. New friends old friends everything changes even if you want it or not.
Those photos tell stories moments you wish one can recreate live all over again and some you just glad they happened moved on to the next. Treasured moments by the heart some cycle stuck on a loop in the mind, the memories fresh like the day it happened. Sometimes the hardest part is taking down those photos you stare at them and it takes you back. Question the outcome sadly you can't change those events. Some forgive you and move on others hold a grudge and cut you out of their life. While some create families and start a life with their one true love. Some it happens right away others live and will eventually settle down. Photos show how far you gone from young to old, from thin to thick. A time when you were single the beginning of love some are during a tough time but you smile through it all.

In the dark trying to rest the sound of chirping birds in the distance. Time to rise and greet the day in return. Nature vibe make the world feel a live. Times have changed full of rage but let go don't be afraid to turn the page. Focused on today fresh start and be more, the past is yesterday which is forgotten.

He would strike out again
Anxious to get out of this slump
He would work on his game
Everything he loved was slipping away
He practiced and tried seeing in from all angles
The game was life if he quit
asking where he would end up
It was all he had it made him happy
The power behind his swing the timing was off
Throwing the ball was painful but needed his arm
All he wanted was to get on first kept it simple
The home run swing is missing the game changed
He loved it but his time was running out

Been working strong got another month and half on this assignment. I've grown and learned so much. It's hard to leave I get close to people even though I can be antisocial some allow you to know them while others keep you distant. Being a sub you work hard to be full-time most of the time you get bounced around. I've met so many good people and wonder where I'll end up worked different departments trying to find my place a fit where I belong. I'm in a good place let go of so many things. I wished some people would comeback but it's best I let them go since they don't care to be around. I'm letting go of those tough moments in my head thinking how this happened or how I could've prevented it. The moment has passed getting my head out of work always focused on making it happen or getting it done. Never appreciated what's going on around me. A late bloomer made mistakes learned from them, failed but still trying to achieve my goals. I'm enjoying the blessings that come my way. Thankful to be in a better place I'm not saying next year is my year but I take one day at a time some are great while others are never ending. Talked with a friend about thoughts and ideas after years of writing what I'd like to do with some of the stories. I hope others enjoy them like I enjoy writing them.

On the beach holding her hand
The wind blowing a refreshing night
Just enough light to see one another the clash of the waves sand soft and cold
Intimate nature with natural vibes
The glowing fire lights up her face
Sitting on a tree log by the fire pit
Flames of fire providing heate
Listening to stories being told
Enjoying one anothers company
Moisture from the ocean giving chills
Close to one another to stay warm
The fog came in with the cold
Time to head in this beach night end

Woke up and realized it don't matter anymore
He doesn't have to dwell on the past
Living in the moment focused on the future
No more memories haunting his days
Can't remember the past all that is a daze
Free from the burden that weighed him down
All who kept him out are no longer around
Thinking for himself not influenced by others
No more voices telling him he couldn't
Back to doing his thing without doubt
Use to being alone and could go without
Not like the rest that's okay different for a reason
Not meant to fit in made to be different
He seen them weak vulnerable never judged them
The tried to knock him, he was secure confident with himself.
He had a mouth lethal like a weapon
he said nothing they talked provoked him
Once he spoke, shut them up silence was fuel
now they play victim now he's the bad guy
He broke free turned his back waiting for the attack
knifed before not surprised to add another to his collection
Avoiding negative people not inhaling their toxic vibes. Not allowing their poisonous debris seep into his pores
He was immune didn't want to be a virus like them but become the cure.
Rather then hold on he let go of them and no longer saving room for their disappointment. He was not one of them he was from another mold and they were the same never willing to change their ways.
He was open minded positive open to grow and changed believed there was no limited
While they told him no to think realistically. He had traveled the world experienced more than them as they stayed in their bubble like if could control everything. He refused to empower them and focused on his journey being more than he could imagine. He tried more than most he would not be denied and not settled. The cream will rise break through the glass ceiling on many occasions he's touched it been there but now he was ready to make it on the next level.

Some people change for the better
While others are stuck with trauma
Room to grow time to improve
Not easy to get over things right away
Working harder told you don't belong
Looked down on like it couldn't be done
Treated different all the doubt used
As motivation to get strong
Improving to be better at work
Proving them wrong changing it up
Most of all to yourself taking credit
Stop with the discredit always working it
Because they refused to give you props
All the roadblocks fade onto new challenges
The journey is full of detours
Make the most of it and learn

Doing it for them
Its not about you anymore
The world sees you as bad
To them you are their joy
They motivate you while burnt out
Wanting to break give up
Staying strong for them
Finding strength body aching

Keep trying to come out ahead
Barely ending up even so over the shame
So much internal pain, bad memories remain
Grew up poor trying to move up to the next level
Fixing my car feels like I can only get so far
Showed up to work doing extra, no one take pride in their work
They been there so long just collecting
Waiting to reitre, they BS so much, want to get away
Keep working hard make me out to be a ****
They don't care, mad my efforts make them look bad
Part timer working twice as hard to get hired
All the fulltimer take pride in being a part time worker
Everyone wants a job, no one wants to work
If stuff goes wrong probably be the first one fired
Bite my lip, smile; do what I'm told
All the talk scandalous lies are getting old
Years of looking up while all this is going down
Seen myself there but not going away
Anxious to try somewhere new, pay cuts and more struggle
Keep telling myself; I'll get through it, it's no deal
Some days those tears build up, refuse to shedd them
Asking for help no one is listening
Wondering when my time will come
Use to be fun don't want to do it anymore
So much on my mind I'd like to crack the code
So I can live life, be on the right path
Over being told NO another detour
Taking me no where, no where near, I'd like to be
Fell hard, failed, keep learning from the lesson

The world was his when he recorded his podcast. He tried to keep it entertaining and interesting for his listeners. Talking about sports and nerd culture that is part of the shows content. He loved it because it was his idea and no one would change or censor his creative input. His previous show was changed and taken over used as a stepping stool.
He didn't care to be on camera but that element would become a factor. A 3 became a duo the show was suppose to be fun but someone those it was business slapping their label on it thinking they owned the idea. Everyone pulling rank rather than working to improve the show.
It went from a podcast to a live spectical that grew into chaos.
From a simple podcast to something with hype but came up short eventually the vision was lost. Everyone was inside out acting like they made it when it was nothing more than a podcast.

He was hard working
Because he spoke English and born in the  US he got treated different by his people from the motherland. He didn't like living up to stereotypes but did prove them wrong.
Taking on crap that had nothing to do with him. Stuck in an argument that had nothing to do with him. He learned to walk away; before he would argue, never back down.

Kind of annoyed always straight up and forward open to talk but making me out to be the bad guy because you are overwhelmed. Being two face won't get you anywhere but you make problems and don't deal with them. I help try to provide solutions Im not permanent but work like a fulltimer because it's the right thing to do you knock me down but I'll comeback show you how it's done. You expect too much but never give or make an effort to talk about your concerns. You lash out bark but no bite I respect your calls even if you are wrong. Ive made mistakes and owned up while you act flawless and careless towards others

He was tired of being numb
Years of writing skinning the issues
Now gutting them talking about it
From thinking it was foolish
That's how it played out
His heart fooled believing one thing
But their actions told another story
He hated being wrong but it happens
Wanting it things turned out different
Accepting it was hard to take in
Feelings and emotions became unsettling

He was always shy till he got to know the person. He admired her smile and appreciated when they talked. They both had their own crowds two world could they coexist in one together. He was use to being alone while she stood out made the crowds seem fun. He was new to dating a late bloomer while she was experienced wise for her age.
He wanted the perfect moment but he had to make it happen. Things never felt right he saw it one way that was not the reality. It played out in his head his confidence was there but when it came to the moment he froze up couldn't speak. The thought of rejection or no froze his body deep in thought millions of ideas coming into the mind.
He didn't want to hurt or hurt her. Thoughts of this crush turning into more that admiration turning to hate. He wanted to grow with her but she had no clue how he felt. He did feel something. Hard to react on these bottled up unexpressed emotions. Never too old to love but always hard to start over mixed emotions mixed signals not sure how to feel.
Every crush he had the girl was taken or not into guys they both usually like the same kind of girls. He didn't expect much but was tired of hearing about their bad relationship giving advice helping them work it out when all he wanted was for it to end over all the games no more pretending to be okay when it's eating him up inside keeping secrets about fading love made him lose interest in relationships. He had a few unhealthy crazy flings those crazy insecure crushes would cause him to protect his heart making it hard to express himself his words would cause them hurt but he was being honest learned about sensitivity even though he grew up with honesty made him insensitive. Always looking for the right words new love old love was there but always came to an end without him being ready to let go had no say. Hated to overthink let go of that pain. Felt like himself normal free even though he's use to being weird and alone.

He wiped the tears said it will be okay
One bad week months of frustration
Doesn't define the rest of your life
New week new start new beginnings
Putting out god vibes to the universe
Trying to shine not be dull like the rest
Put out more energy not be sluggish
Finish strong take pride in work
All hustle grind no gimmick
The outcast for chasing greatness
Refusing to settle called entitled
Called crazy for having an opinion
Having a dream seen as delusional
Setting goals determined not stopping
A bad attitude for speaking up
Being ignored feeling insulted
Asked for courtesy to prepare
Given last minute notice set up to fail
Treated different from the rest
More double standards excluded

You trust and respect them they don't value you. You worked for yours while one is juiced in the higher ups gave him everything. The other was a great work but been selective on efforts. He did value his team seen himself as a team player playing a major role.
Took one for the team but not taking the heat for someone with bad instructions. Followed the leads orders to get the job done all the wrong tools were provided.
The lead given his spot with heat because his bad rep is toxic. Sad you can't get ahead or trust anyone. Mistakes were made let's fix them and learn from them. Trying to man up own up do what's right. Outsiders will talk but they don't know they aren't there.

They'll bad mouth you
Don't listen keep being better
Try to knock you down
Get back up go hard
Slander your name
Stay clear of their dirt
Saying it can't be done
You've already done it
Fighting to survive positive vibes
Not feeding egos by giving in
Crazy enough to stand alone
Come back for more no surrender
Family becomes strangers
Friends become foes
Learning to walk tall use to being alone

Always working hard because it needs to be done and it's the job but over being ignored and overlooked. If you deserve the position and would for it it should be yours but it doesn't work out like that so many considered while left huffing and puffing. If you don't want to move up or advance what's the point of being there. I've always taken pride and gave my all into my work. I help others someone once told me treat people right and things will get better lots of mixed emotions someday are great others are regret and dreading the day because I give so much and it's never enough. I think highly and respect others and I'm taken for granted ignored and forgotten. I like to give my all make it happen. I'm struggling to make my moments and losing focus always been a team player but one sided by coworkers never considers others. Sometimes I care too much other times I want to walk away never go back. I'm not happy with the fake people I avoid them.

He was a new person and ran into people from the past they tried to judge him remind of who he was and use to be. He was no longer that person they once knew. He started new made changes cut out the negative and toxic people. He did care for his friends but did not want to compromise who he became to make them happy. He was his own person; he did miss the group, but they did not represent him or speak on his behalf.
They tried to shame him for his bad habits that he no longer did anymore. He walked away because he knew it was no longer the same. He could not go back they tried to replace him. He was no longer part of the tripod. He helped them get started on projects but after being ignored and denied. They claimed he was part of the group but his input was never taken into consideration.
He started his own projects where he found gratification and satisfaction for his efforts.
He learned he couldn't find himself in others and being part of a group would only limit him so he decided to do what he loved and pursued his passion. He cared for people valued them but they did not think highly of him. He wasn't materialistic but they did take his cut of his investment. He let it go found his own way.