After a long day of hard labor
He would put on 80s music get lost in the moment
While writing in his journal he would reflect
Organize all the clutter within his mind
So much he wanted to do with his limited time
Learning to slow down always in a rush on the go
He listened to his body since it ached with tenderness the pain of an older body that had limits
After years of commitment, they did not hold up their end of the of the deal
Diving into head first without hesitation he began to feel taken forgranted
He was hardworking professional while opportunity passed
He applied but never given an interview
There was always work but wanted to be in one location instead of bouncing around to multiple places.

The most confusing line she gave him was I'm not ready to be in a relationship. He didn't mind he did respect her and took her feelings into consideration. He had no problem being friends or whatever their situation was. The thing that blew his mind was a week later she was in a relationship with someone else. He understood and respected he was the one but this was a slap in the face. From crush to lust one moment she would smother him with affect next she wouldn't acknowledge him look at him numb like they never had a past or history a blank stare that was life less. Their connection has a spark full of charge that gave energy full of life.
He did love this girl but she was not the one, she didn't feel the same he was one of many. Seeing her with another guy angered him but she was never his and never wanted to be part of his world. She had other plans that did not include our confused friend. They would depart she went through many relationships she was his girl but she was always with someone else. He did not date but once he did she would comeback into the picture. He wanted to be with her but he was with someone else he couldn't give it up it could he? Was this his opportunity would he go back or would he stay. He was a loyal and faithful person so he stayed with his current partner. She would throw her monkey wrench into his mind. The thoughts of what if or should I could I many questions bubbling brewing in the back of his mind.
He let go of the past moved on continued to move forward but her wrench would cause jealousy with his new partner making things more defective.
This would ruin his happiness but once it ended she would end up with someone new leaving him alone once again. He took time being single because it got to him he lost track of who he was figuring out what he truly wanted. Time would pass he would pursue his career and focus on his health. A friend would call are you going to the wedding? He would ask who's wedding?? Your good friends!! He said no and he was not invited after hearing that he was free the death grip on his heart was release pressure was gone. He was feeling like himself the burden no longer consumed him.

This year was a good year lots of unique and interesting who treat me well and Appreciate all I've done. Sometimes I hate work but sometimes it could be rewarding. This year had been productive lots of growth and people willing to teach you they help you grow and advance before it felt like people set you up to fail. I always wanted it and it was never given to me. Learn to let go of the toxic people and negative not living up to the hype of others.
The sad part is when it's your own family complicating things. I mind my business and do my own thing seemed like everything I did annoyed and bugged them. I never asked them for help; they had this crazy idea I owed them 0r had to live up to these ridiculous standards they couldn't even match.
I never talk about anyone, if I had something to say I'd more likely to say it to their face. If did value their opinion but they left me hanging after a while I lost interest, I wasn't them or I couldn't be like them because not meant to be.
I'm single and no kids the rest of my cousins and siblings are married with kids or some have kids. I respect that life style; why does my way of life bother you. I'm not judging anyone I've seen these people make mistakes do stupid stuff that's on them. I've done my share of trouble making but with time I've grown and learned to say No because sometimes going along with things are the worse regardless if you're doing a good thing. Focused on what I like which is writing and publishing something.

Waiting for a forbidden love that's not meant to be
All the love ****** from the soul and give to another
She took the pure heart and prisoned it in a jar because she had no heart
The heart she had was broken and she unleashed her hate
Someone else broke her tender heart and she took her vengence out on anyone who tried to love her
Her collection would never end hurting and destroying men with her phone act
Men blinded by her charming beauty without knowing they surrender their heart and she would leave them numb and lifeless
Every victim got the same treatment but only one survivor would escape because he believed in love over her lustful ways
Not quick to give into temptation her evil would be unmasked the external beauty wasn't enough he saw her internal beauty what little heart he felt from her she would never be true or the one

We all have a family member that has everything and it's never enough
Talks about everyone but does nothing to contribute
Gives an opinion when no one asked
If asked says nothing and does not contribute to the conversation
Usually bullies their way to the top acting like their way is right
Most learn to not say anything and walk away
Because you'll end up in a one sided argument
They'll talk over you and debate justifying their wrong as right
Once you make a mistake they try to expose you take you down
Trying to turn everyone against you
They'll try to isolate you but failed you prefer being alone
Never been materialistic I respect people not possessions

Rereading old entries noticing my flaws years of writing. My style has changed over the years. I'm glad to share my experiences. I was told more details but usually straight to the point. I'm not good at describing people because I don't like to talk about others. I talk about the scenario or what happened. If I like something, I'll say so. I'm not one to give a compliment when I do it caught my eye and held my interest. I don't say things unless I mean them.

The plan failed from college to reality from books to working an average joe job. His mindset was not the same for normal people he would ask questions so he could know. While everyone was use to the chain of command. He observed never felt threatened or challenged.
School was another monster around things that growing up was bad is now good all of a sudden justified or socially accepted. He was mind blown.
That world was another side trying to make sense of it all

Some days are great other overwhelming
Some you own others rip you a new one
Too ******* myself expect too much
I can do better hate the feeling missing my edge
Burnt out learning to keep up the routine
Other times I want to walk away start over
Somewhere new a fresh start
Use to making the most of things especially when times get tough
Keeping giving my all it's never enough
Don't expect anything in return but giving my everything
Taking a deep breaths trying to relax
No need to over react get stronger taking on the tough
Keep going things are usually rough
Finding peace within and closure for mistakes
Doing whatever it takes to prevent being flawed
Part of a team but it seems like the blame takes me for a fall
Always ready to take the call keep your head up walking tall

Some people lie and cheat
Never satisfied they get their way
Never listen to anyone
But have the nerve to complain
Money is tight borrowed never repaid
Some grow distant while others have no shame adding to the debt
Been down before never stole from anyone
How are you talking about people when you're worse off
A failed relationship with a child not sure if you're the father
So much confusion mixed emotions
Family wants to help but staying out

Too many people, who don't matter striking a nerve
Sick of all the disrespect talk behind my back when I'm in your face you aren't saying anything.
The fire within burns, so many raw emotions breaking free
Destroying them won't make me happy
It's too late things aren't right anymore
It's not fun anymore this isn't right
So tired of being ******* over
Just want to be me, stop trying to get a rise out of me
Do you love can you love again
Feels like the world is against you
The world forgot you tough times write them out
My mind full of crazy cycling thoughts that won't go away
Let go be free from friend to for
Lovers to complete strangers
Certain face rise thoughts and emotions
Frustration chokes the heart
The mind thinks of mean stuff to say but the words won't come out of my mind
The rage builds ready to explode but defused and burns out within

Almost time to go be on my way home soon. Working hard to get paid possibly have it made. Talked to an old friend the true ones things never end. Making plans for a trip have been fishing since I was a in twenties. Never caught any fish but did catch a buzz.
You wait to catch fish and get lost with your thoughts. The wind and scenery tell you stories the more you observe.

He was a funny guy his best friend always had his back. Till the day he got a girlfriend. Things changed but he would pursue his dreams get on a stage tell a joke or two with the stage light on his face. He would approach the Mic thinking what to say how to say it. He would share moments and things that occurred in his life. He things of material comedy is the main reason he writes. On the stage blinded by the light only seeing darkness but could barely hear the crowds reactions. Did his time not very long but felt like an eternity. Prepared the time was over in the snap of a hand.

Things are better working with people feeling valued
Before around people that demanded it was never good enough
From doing the grunt work to leading the pack
Making sure it gets done making extra effort
Doing the extra on top of normal stuff
An old lead set in his bitter ways
A new younger lead that's more understanding
Part of the team not being used and pushed out
Thankful for the changed everyone contributes making effort
Not a bad lead taking all the credit

Always working Fear of missing out
Around nothing seems to be going on
Smiled at a friend great conversation
Trying to get it done so much going on
Included as a distraction get things done
Excluded still focused to get ahead
Usually coming out even

Knew her as strong wondering where it all went wrong
She was stuck in drugs not the same anymore
Her personality hard to forget her addiction so much regret
Trying to help find a lost friend this made her cut you off as a friend
It was her choice to get clean she clumps you with the bad
All the fears and tears not much could be said or done
Only time will tell commitment detoxing is hell
In and out of my system, out of myself not feeling the same

"Can't you get along with anyone" a wise man once said. He stood his ground for what he believed even if he stood alone. Mindful of his mouth, if he said anything others are easily offended. He took criticism and made an effort to be better. He sacrifice it was never enough. Willing to work hard do what's right. While others snitch pretending to be important when they are lazy useless. Never talked about anyone behind their back he respected them by saying it to their face. All the talk behind his back made him mad but didn't bother with them anymore.

He spent the weekend watching prowrestling since he had no friends and not close with his siblings. He enjoyed the art form, the story telling, he got lost in entertainment. He wondered if he could make it in that world, he was in his late 30s trying to find his place in life.
He did train MMA but didn't have time because he had to earn a living. He did love to write it helped him sleep and come to terms at night. So many what ifs and if he could on his mind.  He trained but an injury kept him back a bad knee and tweaked back; did cause him limits as he got older, he learned to listen to his body. He wonder if he had it since he dug down deep to see if he had that potential.
He had been beaten in a street fight with a broken spirit and deflated ego. He had a hard time bouncing back building up his confidence and courage. He had been down so many people judged overlooked him. He was determined to prove them wrong.

Dad in and out of prison
Mom lives with her mom
Back and forth to grandma's
Brother doing time for a crime
Blame myself for doing nothing
Said too much no one talks
Trying to unite casing divide
Materialistic pretending to be realistic
Bored with life imposing views
Disagree the rage comes out
Can't win gathering back up
Opposing leads to destruction of a rival

The first kiss was charged while it became emotionless over time. She was continually angry never happy or satisfied. He did his thing it was seen as the worse but when she did her stuff it was pardoned everyone expected to turn a blind eye. He remained loyal she drove him crazy because she couldn't get her way.
He was use to no and never got his way. She'd try to manipulate everything in her favor even if it meant destroying everything around her. Things never made sense not able to grasp her concepts. She would tear his world down trying to change him

He loved his family but they don't support him or believe in him. It was hard to cut the cord but he did keep a distance. Pursuing his dreams on the low low playing new roles feeling blessed new mindset for the future. Living in the moment new people and new encounters the right people.
Some looked at him like he mattered they believed in him.
For once they valued him and appreciate his efforts this was all new to him. He felt his growth empowered onto new things and moving forward with life. Not stuck or feeling like life was on pause waiting around. New opportunities and chances.

Walking a tight rope to survive
You look down ready to fall considering all the obstacles
Asking is it worth it
Does it mean anything
Does it even matter
Bad people pretending to be good
While the good ones get treated bad

Hard to remember tried to block it out
All you wanted was to forget
That person made you feel good
Then in the snap of a finger
Made you feel useless
Unworthy of their time
Did you ***** now playing the victim
The lies spoken the actions don't match
Giving your all and it's declining
It felt worth with time lost value
Felt meaningless after a while
Turned your back now it's over done
Let it fade on its own corrupt demise

He made mistakes and was tired of paying for them. He quit drinking gave up so much to be accepted. Someone always kept him out assumed the worse. His family gave him craps so he didn't bother with them anymore. He felt that he couldn't grow around them no longer stimulated by them.
He ventured out took risks; they didn't believe in him. Looked at him like he was crazy and laughed when he tried to get serious.

On the beach it was fun with friends
The night fog rolled in and the fire was burning
Staying near the flame the cold gives you chills
Making s'mores to keep warm from the heat
extending you hands to keep them from going numb
Circled the fire to share fun stories
It's the summer let go of all your worries
Hearing the ocean tide in the distance
The night was young so much resistances
Summer nights what a thrill hard t sleep
The cold giving shakes deep down to core
Another night out on the beach many more to come
Summer fun on the beach is a daze
Summer fun such a good time remember those days.

Had a great weekend caught up on my shows and got lots of writing. Thinking what I want to do with my life I'm older wiser made many detours and mistakes most of I learned from them.
Let go not looking back anymore, sometimes you observe what matters instead trying to fix things that are gone and not coming back. You just be better for what's new and the next time around. Looked at what I started and some stuff I need to get back on track with and finish.
I was too quick to run with the wrong crowd because I feared being alone. I work so I can have companionship but I'm focused on my tasks and making money. After a sibling dies you do what to do how to make it right make things better because everything is messed up and feels like it will never be right.
The family torn apart taken away put into foster care. Pursuing an education and can't do anything to help going to college up north a school that is like Mayberry after growing up in an all brown community such a change and culture shock.
During this tragic loss the one you see as the love of your life doesn't feel or see you the same way and bails on you because she has other affairs that don't include you lined up.
The last couple of years in a loop stuck asking wondering why all this happened. The family back together but not the same. The ex married and has kids while you have a hard time interacting with others. College an unfinished task that need to be completed a few more credits. Does this degree matter will it make a difference.
Many twists and turns to figure out my destination. Years of working like a full timer but really a part timer. Got lost on work because it was money to invest in myself but working so much I don't always have time for myself.

Not always liked but remained loyal
Doing his thing not holding back
Because it was the right thing to do
He was interested but she belonged to someone else
Respecting what's not his an outsider
He wouldn't want anyone doing it to him
An outsider looking in told the truth
Had an opinion it's okay to have one
Usually asked not one to impose
Admired from a distance not the one

Today I woke up with a headache and one plugged up nostril making it hard to believe. I read something about love for the one and walking away. It made me think about things. How did that happen and how far I've come from that person. I did love her I thought she was the one for me too bad I was the one of many that she strung along. Lots of mixed confused feelings I've never felt before. The time together was like trying to get a fix like an addiction that could never get enough of.
Some days we were close other days complete strangers. Never said how I felt but when I did it was already too late. Things were bad and ruined to the point of no return. How that burned deep down within my whole being. Lost in the crowds not just another face part of me fades away. The time has come keep walking and stay away No going back. Over come the lies and see through the act. Those emotions fade till the next comes if it's possible to love again.  The warm within trying not to burn out

Can't always say what I feel or think
My words twisted or feeling used against me
I've said the truth and got hated for my honesty
While others lie and are fake they get praised
It should be me but they chose someone else
Toughed it out, all the doubt can I do without
Did so much not doing anything now
Drives me crazy asking what I did wrong
Can't be this or can't do that worked hard
Overlooked deep down shook taken forgranted
Not my place made it a home and have grown
Deep breaths overwhelmed not sure if I want to do it anymore
Writing hearing voices things that need to be said
Some get hurt in respond eats me up dead inside
All I want is to be alive make it to the end of the day and survive

I smile because I'm thankful to be working. I give my all take pride in my work. I don't expect rewards or to be praised just doing my job. I'm thankful for those who appreciate my efforts sometimes they run you through the grinder but it because you missed something it will make you better. Constructive criticism is welcomed, tell me how to be better; don't say I **** unless you provide a solution. Always open to grow work outside my level but preparing for the next. Why stay when you push me out don't set me up to fail when I'm giving you my all. I'm trying to be a success and prepare I'd like to move up not stay in the same place. I prefer to learn all I can than rely on people or wait on people. Always a team player doing my job and some else's and dk why they are talking smack like if they are doing everything but pretend to be a leader when they are at the bottom.

It was his moment making the most of things trying to make it to the next level. The struggle within falling back into bad habits instead of compromising. He learned quick that things wouldn't go his way. Never got the out that played out in his head.
He rolled with the punches now older realizing that everything changed and happened for a reason. Before he'd fight for a lost cause. Now he searches for meaning and purpose. He worried for others while they continued to be self destructive.
Once he got stuck in his bad habits no one cared or looked out because he didn't want anyone to knock him for being different.

Woke up early listening to music trying not to think too hard about life. Things are done not able to change the outcome. Still seeking the results another plan changing it up. Things don't come natural lots of practice behind the scenes. Played many roles open to learn and grow over time. Not always heard talking to another plain faces staring in the distance. Words get twisted apparently listing or paying attention to what's being said.

Ready to speak up they'll ignore you. Trying to silence you, by shutting you up. Not one of them no need to pretend. You know how to do their job dk why they act like it's hard. Not like they are the only one. Get over your drama bringing your negativity mess up everyone's day all that shadiness. Smiled under the mask feeling better rise above the bad vibes.

He tried to feel it and see it in his mind. Not let anyone bother or distract him from what he was doing. He'd joke so many got mad took it personal. They held a grudge so anything he said or did made them mad. He didn't like to lie and his truth telling got them caught up. Since they wanted him to lie cover up their flaws and mistakes, instead of owning up.
He was tired of being the middle man, the voice of reason. They would've done, what they wanted anyway.

He changed his diet and gave up energy drinks they became his vice after he gave up drinking. He was trying to better his situation. Working with an ego driven lead so many bad moments. Making him want to transfer and not deal with the power trip. He enjoyed his job using what he earned to invest in his supplies for writing.
Instead of eating fast food he would make a healthier selection. Trying to look better and find confidence to ask out a girl that caught his eye. He feared rejection and didn't want to end up in another failed relationship. Not looking for *** but actually trying to get to know a person be able to communicate have a healthy relationship.

Times have change things will never be the same or go back to the way they use to be. Need to start fresh he use to date he was young wild and free. He grew up in a Latino community that was with standards and morals he was instilled even thought he didn't agree. So his first crush was a light half and colored girl. His family was not prejudiced but they were only with what was norm to them. The family never left the town or community. This child grew up explored the world been to more place than the rest of the family. He was torn between loving this girl and the tough love his family gave him all he wanted to do was make them proud and be happy. He did want family approval which was an uphill battle but when they didn't approve it was like he went against the family. He didn't get help so he had to do it all himself. It hurt him took its toll but it made him stronger and wiser. He just wanted to be loved and find love with the right person even though he had made mistakes being with the wrong girl. He tolerated stuff to be liked and accepted eventually that didn't matter he was over all the drama. He always pleased others no one was ever happy or dreadful. He eventually learned to do it for himself do what's right. He was over fake and phony people. He gave them his best while they dragged him down with their worse. So many times he feared making the wrong choice and got pushed into stuff he didn't agree on or want to be doing. Once he spoke up he was the bad guy for having moral and standing up for his beliefs. He called them on their wrong doing it lead to these people he thought highly of hating him and treating him like he didn't matter or was one of the worse people you could ever know.
He saw friends like family because with his family denying who you are and ******* up to be accepted was not the life he wanted. He formed brother good with friends that would slander him or fake to his face. He was over these two faced individuals. He was straight forward honest all his life He got criticized eventually he stopped listening and caring what others thought because if they didn't help him or make him better their opinion didn't matter.

Stopped complaining and comparing just living
Not taking on other problems that are ignored
It's okay to be excluded like being alone found peace
Grasped closure within staying clear of drama
Once cared stopped listening to foolish demands
Quit playing others games empowering indecisive behavior
The silent treatment is rewarding not punishment
Out of the loop is better than pretending things are okay
Solo projects doing your own thing is everything