Being told it doesn't matter
At the bottom working harder
Doing more than the top
Don't want to lose anymore
Gave up too much from the wrong ppl
Doing everyone's job no respect
Insulted by harsh words
The nerve to ask for help
Need a favor the nerve of some
Taking on others loads of work
Not able to rest or relax
Trying to finish every second counts
Can't wait time or enjoy life
Twisted inside out feeling gutted
Yanked in different directions
Coming to terms not sure how to act
Not looking for reactions
Trying to respond what's going on
Say it where there's no hard feelings

I love my shows its been a while since I've been emotionally invested in anything. Just work and mind my own. I'm excited for star wars and the new eminem album. Im stuck between writing lyrics and my series so many ideas floating around i need to feel it and it just needs to come out where it feels okay. I'm not one who thinks highly of my writing but I enjoy it most of all really surprised when people like it. Killing time at work on my break ready for tomorrow then enjoy my weekend. Thinking of stuff I'd like to see or encounter applying them in my writing or alternate ends because of cliff hangers.

We talked about our first kiss that never happened
Asked you out but the time wasn't right now you're with someone else
We grew up grew a part, always in a relationships
I've always been single my love is for one not everybody.
You had it all and never appreciated it
I'm free to roam scared to do it alone
You made it, I failed but you are miserable
I don't have it together still figuring it out
Thought we'd be friends grow old together
A close friend who appreciates you now you treat me like every ex
Wished you the best, you took pride since I had less
The mutual feelings were there but no one made or move acting on these urges
This love felt like everything worthy of my time
Now it's grown old faded away because making living kept us apart

Grew up went to the world seen and done things I've never done before
Things got hard it made me tougher too the lesson and learned from the mistake
Couldn't do it on my own end up back home
Where I started and starting over again proved my self gave my all but it wasn't good enough
Help those when they were down, going through my struggle no one around or to be found
Always know what I wanted to do and done it
Sometimes things come to a stand still and hard to transition
Never quit or back down but no where to move or go locked out not giving into doubt

In the dark to set the mood
Silence is soothing find peace within
Too many cycling thoughts the mind goes clear
The pain fades the body begins to rest
Closed eyelids taking deep breaths
savoring the moment cleansing within
Time alone so one can grow
Stress melts away it begins to show
Behind the scenes enjoys being alone
Not just another face blending with the crowd
Spoke soft be the impact of truth so loud
Stares in a day's not buying into the hyped of phase
Thought different from the rest not part of the craze
Not one to ***** frustration tolerance levels runs out

The day his daughter was born he changed he knew it wasn't about him. he would put her and needs first. He loved her mother but it was not meant to be. The ex loved him only because they had a daughter together other than that she moved on. His daughter is the reason he grew up, he wanted to give her the life, he never had.
Life was more meaningful and had more purpose. He did it for her took more responsibly no longer about himself.
The little one changed the world he smile and curly hair. Her grandmother not ready to be one but was a better grandma than a mother but that's the son being bias. His siblings became uncle's and sister was now an aunt. It brought the family together since everyone was distant. Everyone grew up trying to survive live their own life. The family was uniting after all these years of holding a grudge, being divided over the past. The future was now times were changing.

Free from family able to be yourself
Do what you like makes you happy
Instead of ridiculous standards
No one is living up to all talk no action
Being with the wrong person relationships failed hard
Not trying to force things it was never natural
Empower yourself to inspire others
Keep working for the dream
Focus on goals challenge yourself
Wanted to move up got comfortable
Opportunity presented itself taking risks
Given a chance wanted it more than most
Use to care stopped worrying got distracted

Her evil demeanor from nice to awful
Happened in the blink of an eye
Ruining everyone's happiness
Spreading her misery
A bad person justifying everything
Kids forced to grow up due to neglect
Taking credit for their success
She'd rather be young around other men
Squatting for a place out for herself
Smothering older men for shelter
Wild instead responsible for the children
Talking confessions all lies
The trauma and deceit in her eyes
Trying to convince them to believe
Hoping he'd share a secret
So she could make him vulnerable
Prey on his insecurities
No longer feeding into the toxic behavior

The sneaky couple fake to your face
Talks about everyone behind their back
Giving an opinion no one asked
Talking down on others they've  done worse
Complaining about people living life
Doing the same thing all the criticism
So why is this an issue all the double standards
Insulting people expecting take it with a grain of salt
Call them on their actions
No wrong was done just imposition
Bad behavior quick to debate
Making the misconduct right
Justify the wrong doing still in the wrong

When your down they don't expect much from you. They don't think about you. Once you speak up and rise they start talking bad about you. You never said anything you asked a question had a difference of opinion. Moved onto new doing his best to be more and do more with his life. He was happy for them now they are angry with him. Anything he said was never good enough why be around why pretend they value and respect him. He never said anything about anyone. To hear they called him ignorant because he didn't know it would happen. He was working for it since nothing is given.
Called sensitive because he cared always investing his energy in others once he decided to chill. They called him intimidating all he wanted was to be left alone but still making an effort to be social.

Not fighting the change
Allowing the growth not going back
Going forward rising above
Friendships true ones stay
Family clashes not forcing it
Pride over blood has been a trend
Dreams on hold trying to keep up
No cared about feelings or emotions
Results or proof false standards ideals
Changing things to feel superior

He loved her but she was always with some else. He was there for through thick and thin. He was always single and she moving onto the next. One time she was single but he was taken. There was no chance of them being together because they always belong to someone else. Years passed she was now a mother, he was still pursuing his career.
She was his crush but most of the things she did was crush him. All he could is let her go and be happy for her but she was never his. She did miss him but never showed any emotions. From friends to awkward, she found him attractive when he was with someone else but he was loyal and faithful. He respected her relationship and child he would not go there, or allow his feelings to get the best of him making the wrong bad decisions. He would do anything but she seen him as a convince to get her way. He was submissive but had to be strong.

Some people lie and cheat
Never satisfied they get their way
Never listen to anyone
But have the nerve to complain
Money is tight borrowed never repaid
Some grow distant while others have no shame adding to the debt
Been down before never stole from anyone
How are you talking about people when you're worse off
A failed relationship with a child not sure if you're the father
So much confusion mixed emotions
Family wants to help but staying out

He woke up had a breakfast thankful it was delicious. Read his book he had many more lined up to read always working never had much time for what he loved. He learned to make time especially on his down time. He enjoying writing it gave him inner peace. He loved jujitsu but did lack flexibility so close to a blue belt unfinished business that needed to be attended. Being on those !at he would help mentor the youth jujitsu was on the mind. He enjoyed the mind set. Due to his work schedule he would have time conflicts.
He has to learn balance one thing that was hard work his passions and finishing school so many things he was close to achieving but came up short. School was hard since he couldn't afford books showing up unprepared was not like him. He got tired of being set up to fail. He let himself down way too much he didn't want to do it anymore. He feared getting his degree and worried he'd be at the same job just with a degree he really wanted to be in his field and not wasting his time anymore. He was frustrated because he worked hard tried hard than most and still failed it never came natural he always had to put in the extra time. He hated being broke and hated relying on anyone but he did learn only he can do it and would be the only one who could do it for him

The most confusing line she gave him was I'm not ready to be in a relationship. He didn't mind he did respect her and took her feelings into consideration. He had no problem being friends or whatever their situation was. The thing that blew his mind was a week later she was in a relationship with someone else. He understood and respected he was the one but this was a slap in the face. From crush to lust one moment she would smother him with affect next she wouldn't acknowledge him look at him numb like they never had a past or history a blank stare that was life less. Their connection has a spark full of charge that gave energy full of life.
He did love this girl but she was not the one, she didn't feel the same he was one of many. Seeing her with another guy angered him but she was never his and never wanted to be part of his world. She had other plans that did not include our confused friend. They would depart she went through many relationships she was his girl but she was always with someone else. He did not date but once he did she would comeback into the picture. He wanted to be with her but he was with someone else he couldn't give it up it could he? Was this his opportunity would he go back or would he stay. He was a loyal and faithful person so he stayed with his current partner. She would throw her monkey wrench into his mind. The thoughts of what if or should I could I many questions bubbling brewing in the back of his mind.
He let go of the past moved on continued to move forward but her wrench would cause jealousy with his new partner making things more defective.
This would ruin his happiness but once it ended she would end up with someone new leaving him alone once again. He took time being single because it got to him he lost track of who he was figuring out what he truly wanted. Time would pass he would pursue his career and focus on his health. A friend would call are you going to the wedding? He would ask who's wedding?? Your good friends!! He said no and he was not invited after hearing that he was free the death grip on his heart was release pressure was gone. He was feeling like himself the burden no longer consumed him.

Fighting till the end
Taking on everything
Not backing down from anyone
What goes around comes around
Stayed quiet, arguing with myself
If I said you'd make it personal
Trying to destroy for having an opinion
Erase me for everything
Use to being ignored by family
AA really messes with my mental health
They want you to explain and then use it against you
I'm over counseling. I'm trying to help myself
You want to be safe, but being vulnerable

Everyone forms cliques and acts like they are loyal when they were bad mouthing everyone. The nerve no one cared when he struggled but now looking for him to help out. They bailed on him he got use to being alone now they want a favor or have expectations of him.
Half the time they push him out he fought to fit in he learned its time to walk away. Why stay he felt used up and tossed out like trash. He would go the extra mile for them and they wouldn't do the same.

What's on her mind; what are she thinking. Shes always mad or upset with him. He doesn't always get her, or the social cues, she puts out for him. He wanted this to work losing his grip on life. Things came and went before it made any sense.
He dram of us, she had other ideas and plans. Made it hard things got complicated.

He checked his ego at the door, cleaned his mind; before getting on the mats. He'd put on his GI stretch, before class thinking of how to escape the guard not fall into a submition. Countering moves escaping to survive the roll trying not to tap but make my opponent tap. Going hard pulling guard avoid being choked out and giving up points being smart it's a game of chess will vs skill one shall come out victorious.

Things are better working with people feeling valued
Before around people that demanded it was never good enough
From doing the grunt work to leading the pack
Making sure it gets done making extra effort
Doing the extra on top of normal stuff
An old lead set in his bitter ways
A new younger lead that's more understanding
Part of the team not being used and pushed out
Thankful for the changed everyone contributes making effort
Not a bad lead taking all the credit

Too many people, who don't matter striking a nerve
Sick of all the disrespect talk behind my back when I'm in your face you aren't saying anything.
The fire within burns, so many raw emotions breaking free
Destroying them won't make me happy
It's too late things aren't right anymore
It's not fun anymore this isn't right
So tired of being ******* over
Just want to be me, stop trying to get a rise out of me
Do you love can you love again
Feels like the world is against you
The world forgot you tough times write them out
My mind full of crazy cycling thoughts that won't go away
Let go be free from friend to for
Lovers to complete strangers
Certain face rise thoughts and emotions
Frustration chokes the heart
The mind thinks of mean stuff to say but the words won't come out of my mind
The rage builds ready to explode but defused and burns out within

Rereading old entries noticing my flaws years of writing. My style has changed over the years. I'm glad to share my experiences. I was told more details but usually straight to the point. I'm not good at describing people because I don't like to talk about others. I talk about the scenario or what happened. If I like something, I'll say so. I'm not one to give a compliment when I do it caught my eye and held my interest. I don't say things unless I mean them.

Always working Fear of missing out
Around nothing seems to be going on
Smiled at a friend great conversation
Trying to get it done so much going on
Included as a distraction get things done
Excluded still focused to get ahead
Usually coming out even

He learned to change with the time because if he didn't he would be left in the past. He moved forward stopped being detoured by fake friends. Distracted by failed relationships, time had changed from young adult to being a responsible adult. When he was young he would lust because they never took him serious. He kept pursuing his goals they told him no and he couldn't do it. He kept doing his thing to prove them wrong and silenced them. He spoke the truth it got him nothing but hate he broke through all the lies. He wanted to be happy be normal even though he was different.
He got judged by people who had ridiculous standards they couldn't live up to. He never believed or gave into the eye. He was the one talked about not the one talking. He was tired of being the scapegoat when he did it they knocked him for it. He seen them struggle the front came crashing down but he was the better person and never judged them for their flaws.

Another sleepless night up late
Reading so my eyes could get tired
But my mind began to wander so I started writing
The air from the fan circling the cold
Deep in thought fed up would complain
But no one is listening ***** not being heard
The quiet while the rest of the world slumbers
Alone in solitude thinking how to change
While the rest of the world remains the same
Over being judged and fighting for a spot
Being replaced by someone to fill the void but they don't have my heart or care like I do
Been broken and disappointed all I want to do is feel and heal
Hard to focus gave my all it wasn't enough tired of thinking I did something wrong.
Hard to breathe feels like I'm fading away when all I want is to exist and belong

Some days are great other overwhelming
Some you own others rip you a new one
Too ******* myself expect too much
I can do better hate the feeling missing my edge
Burnt out learning to keep up the routine
Other times I want to walk away start over
Somewhere new a fresh start
Use to making the most of things especially when times get tough
Keeping giving my all it's never enough
Don't expect anything in return but giving my everything
Taking a deep breaths trying to relax
No need to over react get stronger taking on the tough
Keep going things are usually rough
Finding peace within and closure for mistakes
Doing whatever it takes to prevent being flawed
Part of a team but it seems like the blame takes me for a fall
Always ready to take the call keep your head up walking tall

Sometimes I feel like me other times it's a struggle
Gave it all and have no more
Always tired and in pain but work through it all
Mentally burnt out doing what's right and needs to be done
Hard work goes unnoticed while **** ups are rewarded
Sometimes walking away doesn't lead to somewhere better but drifting and wandering
Hard to find peace and closure when things don't go right.
Struggling to find a place and belong always seen as different
My skin tone should not be a factor or be over looked because of my height
Staying positive when others insult and impose trying to make me be someone I'm not or lower myself to be accepted.
Always the bad guy when trying to make a stance for what's right. Not giving up part of myself to be forced into a box that strips me of all but dignity and pride
Sometimes I want to yell and scream but no one will hear me and will look like the crazy one.
How much sacrifice till I made it and feel satisfied with out feeling robbed or jipped in the end
Some days it feels right and coming together other days it feels like the world stand still and torn apart something's have nothing to do with me but easily affected by the outcome

"Can't you get along with anyone" a wise man once said. He stood his ground for what he believed even if he stood alone. Mindful of his mouth, if he said anything others are easily offended. He took criticism and made an effort to be better. He sacrifice it was never enough. Willing to work hard do what's right. While others snitch pretending to be important when they are lazy useless. Never talked about anyone behind their back he respected them by saying it to their face. All the talk behind his back made him mad but didn't bother with them anymore.

Not always liked but remained loyal
Doing his thing not holding back
Because it was the right thing to do
He was interested but she belonged to someone else
Respecting what's not his an outsider
He wouldn't want anyone doing it to him
An outsider looking in told the truth
Had an opinion it's okay to have one
Usually asked not one to impose
Admired from a distance not the one

Back to work he hated half assing it he was all in or nothing. Rested from vacation trying not to get mad or upset with anyone because of their bad decisions that fell on him. Getting ready for the day seize the moment. His new bed all the back pain was minimal everything would tighten up but bearable. Trying to squeeze in training and work was going to be a challenge.

He was a funny guy his best friend always had his back. Till the day he got a girlfriend. Things changed but he would pursue his dreams get on a stage tell a joke or two with the stage light on his face. He would approach the Mic thinking what to say how to say it. He would share moments and things that occurred in his life. He things of material comedy is the main reason he writes. On the stage blinded by the light only seeing darkness but could barely hear the crowds reactions. Did his time not very long but felt like an eternity. Prepared the time was over in the snap of a hand.

This year was a good year lots of unique and interesting who treat me well and Appreciate all I've done. Sometimes I hate work but sometimes it could be rewarding. This year had been productive lots of growth and people willing to teach you they help you grow and advance before it felt like people set you up to fail. I always wanted it and it was never given to me. Learn to let go of the toxic people and negative not living up to the hype of others.
The sad part is when it's your own family complicating things. I mind my business and do my own thing seemed like everything I did annoyed and bugged them. I never asked them for help; they had this crazy idea I owed them 0r had to live up to these ridiculous standards they couldn't even match.
I never talk about anyone, if I had something to say I'd more likely to say it to their face. If did value their opinion but they left me hanging after a while I lost interest, I wasn't them or I couldn't be like them because not meant to be.
I'm single and no kids the rest of my cousins and siblings are married with kids or some have kids. I respect that life style; why does my way of life bother you. I'm not judging anyone I've seen these people make mistakes do stupid stuff that's on them. I've done my share of trouble making but with time I've grown and learned to say No because sometimes going along with things are the worse regardless if you're doing a good thing. Focused on what I like which is writing and publishing something.

Getting older the young athlete within
Struggling to stay relevant not healing
Working harder to come out even
Pushing through to make it to the end
Loving the sport but the body tender
Giving everything and taking way more
Moving slow not the same anymore
Being tough isn't enough taking a beating
Relying on technique to survive

I smile because I'm thankful to be working. I give my all take pride in my work. I don't expect rewards or to be praised just doing my job. I'm thankful for those who appreciate my efforts sometimes they run you through the grinder but it because you missed something it will make you better. Constructive criticism is welcomed, tell me how to be better; don't say I **** unless you provide a solution. Always open to grow work outside my level but preparing for the next. Why stay when you push me out don't set me up to fail when I'm giving you my all. I'm trying to be a success and prepare I'd like to move up not stay in the same place. I prefer to learn all I can than rely on people or wait on people. Always a team player doing my job and some else's and dk why they are talking smack like if they are doing everything but pretend to be a leader when they are at the bottom.