Had a dream about you I know you're gone it was good you see by my side. The smartest genuine person I know. I see the van and think you are home. You had plenty of life to live the hardest part is letting go still in denial.

Hard to focus when the heart is else where
Mind racing not sure how to feel
living a lie hard to stand by
The truth is hard to believe
Letting go is a start
That's the hard part
Suffering doesn't mean more
Raw emotions doesn't make life rich
Money can't buy love or the solution
Only trying can fix or make it right
Outcome might not be right
Alright make a start
Walk lost but find the way
Feels like the clutch of misery broken
Spoken with a silent tongue

He use to get nervous when she would talk to him. He feared rejection and how she viewed him and seen him differently. He always dated the wrong women but with her things felt right. He never trusted his gut when it came to giving his heart to others. He was weird and different part of his charm. He cared for people even though they never treated him right or fair. He was always positive how he seen the world looked for good when most things were bad or went wrong. He would mind his business and did his own thing. He would worry for others but they didn't want to be helped or saved he prayed for them even though he wasn't a priority his friendship was an option even though it would be turned down because everyone got older focused on relationships or getting married plus having kids. He wanted that life but it was not the time. He wanted to make the most of life and enjoy his youth while time passed it would slip away.
He was not driven by money but did want to make a career and money off what he loved. People always inspired him or made him be more because he can't do it all by himself.

Writing takes me away it blocks out the world.
It helps put things into perspective
Been giving thought to fresh sound
Playing with bass always helps
Feel emotions vibrate through the strings
A sound that touches the soul cleansing the mind and body
Write all night till the mind is at peace
Ease the heart so the mind clear of stress
Share the thoughts from within
Not a sin to relate but a win never alone
Everyday is a new allow yourself to grow

i see the wrong you do
dont act like you are righteous
you judge me but i know the truth
ive done no wrong but you think you are right
you start a fight and already losing the struggle
i see the fear i smell the fear
while you play you will get played
you regret the the day you stayed
my eyes stare you cold while
you dare not make eye contact
i see you not on my level
but you make loop holes
one day youll get trapped in one of the holes
you have dug for yourself
my eyes see you in your ways
waste of my days my eyes see more than you imagined

He was a big dream he did lots of stuff now he's working a mind numbing 8 hour job that gave him weekends off. He didn't do much since he no longer cared to be social and the day he quit drinking so much changed. He was hurt that he saw the woman he loved be with another guy. It was the worse feeling. He wanted to feel the void so he drank. Eventually it wasn't fun and sobered up. He had a clear look on life focused seeing people different since he wanted to change. He didn't associate with most of the people around him since alcohol was no longer a factor.
He became selective since he had issues trusting since his so called best friend got with his crush. This was a hard pill to swallow as he got older he realized all the people, who wanted him to be some he was not. They couldn't live up to their own hype.
He was a huge fan of Deadpool he collected comics and liked to watch prowrestling. He was not shy about what he loved he refused to deny it and give up on what he loved. He would hang in his room with his two pet turtles. He would be more determined to be doing something doing much more break this routine. He did love his job greatful to be working never took things that mattered for granted.
He just wanted to do what he loved and be happy. He grew up poor and shared clothes with siblings he never wanted to live or go back to that life style. It made him more determined he didn't want to settle being the oldest he was an example and made an example of. each day he wakes up older wiser and definitely feeling time taking it's toll.
So many people in and out of his life some came caused chaos and left while others will always have a place in his life. He wasn't ready for marriage or kids because he had so much stuff he needed to do. He had goals and things he wanted to do that he never did before. He was willing to learn and adapt.
He liked to be challenged but everything felt like an uphill battle to be heard. He didn't like when others twisted his words. He did what he could because so many would deny or try to shut down his efforts. He use to be a rule breaker but with his job he was one who enforced them.

Cutting off negative people use to being rejected. Talking no one is listening told the truth everyone thinks your salty. When you win they judge treat you like the enemy. Growing up poor, staying humble; don't need to be reminded.
Picking and choosing when they like you. Losing things thinking you'll never rise up. They deflate your head, knock you down; thinking those harsh words are doing you a favor. Don't care for that it doesn't help.

Night so dark
The stars light it up
In the city stars cant shine
Also making it hard to find
In the woods they reflect of the lake
See them above the trees
The stars shine so bright
Add emotions to the night
Shooting stars race across the sky
Surrounding the full moon
Sparkling in your eyes
Reach for the stars so far away

Haven't posted for a while. I'm in a better place clear mind and removed myself from toxic and negative people. Growing as a person, I get lost in my writing and enjoy myself most of all. I'm happier I've learned to let go and not go back. Move forward and do what's right. If you feel pressure and it's wrong say NO and walk away.
You cant please everyone, I don't say much but people talk be the one talked about not the one talking. I'm hated for telling the truth and being honest. I mind my mouth and business best way to go. Not listening to an opinion, I don't remember asking for. Have fun write, my passion and what I love. Keep at it never stop or settle.

Vision board

Transfer work days
Be a full-time get benefits
Save up get a motorcycle
Get back into jujitsu
Go back to school
Get college degree
Coach softball
Go on a date

Why do toxic people blame others
They'll ruin someone's happiness
Then justify their wrong doing
Pretending to be a good person
While they are worse made at everyone
Never trying but expecting everything
Quick to point our everyone's flaws
Project their bad behavior on others
Trying to flip the script from terrorizer
Now playing victim more mind games

I sometimes feel like a prisoner others want me to be a certain. Tolerating so much just to barely be noticed. I'm not bothering with it anymore you'll notice me like it or not. I've been brushed off or left behind time and time again. I've taken the leap fallen on my own others learned from me learning what not to do instead of learning to do things right the 1st time around.
I don't make excuses or lies talked with my best friend we discussed how everyone ends up mad at me because of their ***** ups and down falls. It made me feet better being able to verbal say what I feel. I could in the mirror but it doesn't do anything it's a struggle but ill one day unleash these words send them to ppl like a care package eventually run out and want more but one is the limit.

He was tired of making time they used him and faked interest in his life. After getting what they wanted they didn't care for him anymore. He was tired of being scammed. He had their back they never had his in the end. He didn't lie being lied to feeling disgust. The taste of betrayal was sickening made him alter his trust for others. He welcomed all now he screens before opening up.

Learning to love again been hurt
All these lies got old you're living one
Cheating trying to blame everyone
For your foul actions so much pride
Saying one thing doing the opposite
Actions louder than mumbled words
Doing bad trying to justify it right
Knocking the good twisting the truth
Had way more going on ruining it
Never enough treating it like less
Obsessed comparing live your life

Treated the same you said I was different
Chosen for greatness and opposed
Fighting for my place I don't belong
Your wrong get out of my face
Fighting to be heard express my opinion
Taking on you and your minions
Seek the day things will go my way
Not worth my energy anyway
I'm human not the monster
You made me out to be
I want sanity set me free
Back to my life no more being taken away from me

She was negative and provoking, he knew she was sensitive so he never took anything personal but she made everything personal. All he could do was stay away mind his own attend to his own struggle. He was always accepting and never judge if he had concerns he'd say it to her face. He is a respectful person thinking highly of others but was upset easily annoyed when he found those people bad mouth him or have no respect having confidence in the wrong people. Trouble about how everyone acts but he's not responsible for them. He was asked to be part of a tradition that was new to him around people who would make him out to be the bad guy. As he got older he could not enjoy things because some made him feel on edge. He didn't like confrontation or dealing with controversy. They joked he joked back and they couldn't hang so they made everything personal. He wasn't playing their game but when he played he was in it to win. He knows people change or go through stuff but he wasn't going to let their negativity be a factor. He cut ties it's hard but if it wasn't making him better he didn't need it.

We have the same blood not the same
Seeing opportunities rising up
Blaming others and manipulation
Taking charge of others so much deceit
Forming an evil pack with a common rival
Judging everyone instead of talking it out
Holding a grudge acting like you're right clearly in the wrong
Staying strong an ego to feed
No one is saying your name
Talking about important manners

He woke up had a breakfast thankful it was delicious. Read his book he had many more lined up to read always working never had much time for what he loved. He learned to make time especially on his down time. He enjoying writing it gave him inner peace. He loved jujitsu but did lack flexibility so close to a blue belt unfinished business that needed to be attended. Being on those !at he would help mentor the youth jujitsu was on the mind. He enjoyed the mind set. Due to his work schedule he would have time conflicts.
He has to learn balance one thing that was hard work his passions and finishing school so many things he was close to achieving but came up short. School was hard since he couldn't afford books showing up unprepared was not like him. He got tired of being set up to fail. He let himself down way too much he didn't want to do it anymore. He feared getting his degree and worried he'd be at the same job just with a degree he really wanted to be in his field and not wasting his time anymore. He was frustrated because he worked hard tried hard than most and still failed it never came natural he always had to put in the extra time. He hated being broke and hated relying on anyone but he did learn only he can do it and would be the only one who could do it for him

Wrestling thoughts going crazy
Adrenaline rush turns to burn out
Flirted with wild ideas felt the rush
Rubbed the wrong way facing fear
Things got sour over the years
Doing more instead of saying
Rewarded more accomplishment

At a crossroad I'm one who give my all and always trying to prove myself too bad I'm always Denied and sent packing. I do respect my co-workers but they always overlook me or tell me one thing but do another it's frustrating. I make them look good while they are quick to throw me under make me out to be the bad guy. They have done worse and act like they could do no wrong.
Even when I don't want to do it always making effort to gain learn from the experience. I'm a fool to think others would have my back. It's been a tough time so much transition it was fun but it's not fun anymore. So many people oppose me I want to prove them wrong but it's not about them them it's about proving it to myself since it's what I want even though I can't have it right away. I've sacrificed and working towards my goals I've been doing them for years just want to get them on a greater scale.
Hard to trust when there is so much better and disappointment. I shouldn't blame myself but tired of being the scapegoat and being let down by those who get what the need and forget about me not an idea unless a favor is in mind.

Live in the moment
Don't let them stop you
Tell you you're not good
Dictate your life shine bright
Chase your dreams stay motivated
Accomplish greatness be yourself
Live life to the fullest pursue goals
Since they settled for less
Ruin your day meant to stand out
Hold you back take pride in work

my heart beats like a drum
raw emotions come from the music
the sound makes me move my feet
on the stage my soul lights up like a fire
fussion nothing like it everything else is confusing
the style doesnt define you but shares who you are
you move to the sound of your creation
starting a trend is your way and foundation
part of something great you sooner maybe late
keep playing the gig cant fight fate
leave it out when the words come out
stand all shout loud and be quick
your music in the mind the hook starts to sit

Once you see those true colors
Remember they dont have your heart
They dont care like you do
Making it easier to lower expectations
No longer accepting disrespect
Spoke firm got ignored
Gave it everything to be denied
The feeling of rejection fades
Looking for closure onto new chapters
Putting things first as a distraction
Making them seem important
The betrayal is unsettling refusing to lose
Seeking success else where feel free
Escape the bad onto good vibes

Making things socially awkward was normal
He smiled and was nice witty but came out weird
It was part of his charm they didn't understand him but he was willing to accept others. They always wanted him to change be someone else. They tried to label him put him in a box. He was sober which helped him see the world more clear. Cleansed his would free from the toxic negative people that judged him. He did things his way pursued his passion too many made him feel guilty for being different. He tried to fit in but being like other people made no sense he was always his own person. He was short but was confident he could hang in the land of Giants. They seen him different because he took care of himself they couldn't accept him so they assumed the worse called him gay or he was educated showed others respect and had manners. Seen everyone as equal and treated them fair. While they held the bar over his head they couldn't live up to these ridiculous standards. He would achieve some success but he didn't see it as entitlement or hold it over others.
They tried to shake him tried to break him but he broke free from all the hatred all the weight of the world he no longer took their burdens in. He stopped listening walked away gave them no say because their opinion didn't matter he was the one putting forth the effort. He took pride in what he did and how he felt about himself. He would share with the world but the world kept him out. He made his own world where it felt right made sense grew and learned to be alone enjoy his own company and write.

Doing laundry can't go wrong with clean underwear. He waited for it to happen still did the work it's the process. Took pride and lots of effort to get ot right even if one thing went wrong he felt like a failure. He made mistakes grasping the lesson from every set back.
Not able to joke everyone is too serious or makes it personal

Another day rise to fight
Saying it will be alright
They judge you but dk you
Trying to survive stay alive
Took a beating but still standing
Never back down still around
Warrior at heart leads alone
Pack or no pack ready for an attack
Step forward not back

He had a dream about a co-worker it was weird to him. She came into him but he didn't feel or see it that way. Always supportive of others she would get engaged to someone. He was happy for her wishing her the best as she would leave to a new job. He didn't like change it was it was hard for him.
He was loyal to people most come and go like the seasons he was disconnected hard to adapt scared to rely and depend on anyone. He would have to work harder to it all himself. He hated how he waited and held back. He learned to not force things but let them happen naturally it was different.
Time changes everything from what he knew mostly being open to change and growth.

He was exhausted from all the verbal abuse. His anxiety eating him from the inside out
Made his blood boil but knew it was a lie
All these false narratives he knew his worth
So many made him feel worthless
Use to speak his mind but no one listens
The feeling of invisible was normal
He couldn't express himself being dismissed
He didn't feel that way all this projection
His opinion made out to be nothing
Why argue and bother moving onto new

You can't change the past
Things haunt your mind
Writing to reflect those wicked ways
Not able to run fast enough twisted daze
Not one to complain or whine
Make the most of life thankful
Work with what's given
Making the most of everything
Saved himself from the insanity
Staying sober kept him sane

So many trying to cancel one another out
Why can't everyone get along Co exist
Entitled to your beliefs stop imposing
So many rights and freedoms to enjoy
Respect others don't expect anything
Work hard give your everything
Pursuing a dream only you can see
Not plowing through others to win
Working behind the scenes trying to learn
Getting burnt out not feeling stimulated
Working the the hardest feeling the hate
Had nothing growing up low income
Hustling to get ahead getting by
Stuck in the transition ups and more downs
Working for everything earned every cent

He didn't like the idea of being someone others made him out to be. The talk bothered him since no one was talking about the people that opened there mouth.
Focused on work but considering a career change since it wasn't fun he didn't enjoy himself anymore. Years of being on the back burner and burnt out. Till this day he still doesn't believe he's fulltime permanent.
Not looking back wishing he could of done things different asking why it didn't happen right away when he finally had it wondering was it worth it.

Soothing to the ear
Blocks the world out
Pick your soul up
when you feel out of it
The beats that make you shake you hip
Move your lips sing your favorite lyrics
Beats that make you bob your head
Think of a good time
Songs that remind you of a good friend
Favorite band that relate
The connect so deep and real
know the song love the beats
So much going on your glad is making way in your hear the sounds you want to hear

Friends come and go but real ones accept you draw and all.
Friends don't talk about you behind your back.
They'll defend your name not run it through the mud
Cutting people off that are toxic keep your sanity
No longer dealing with insecure people
Tired of liars lying to my face
Being nice doesn't mean I'm a push over
I joke with people but I'm not going to let others make it personal
My silence is fed up I'm usually open and straight forward.
I don't hide who I am to make others happy
Why is it wrong to stand out no matter what I'm always seen as or treated different.
If I fail someone is mad, when I win someone is always hating never giving me props
I'd rather be me then pretend to be someone I'm not to be liked
To be accepted even if I proved myself it's never enough

On the mats they don't take you serious. Making them work for the submission short means nothing. The sport is not about strength, but technique form. Being able to take the lessons put them together. Find a sequence or pattern to stay in the match. Its about a balanced offense and defense. Eccentric and concentric motions playing off the opponents movement.

He woke up early started to write trying to be normal. Keeping up with his work load get back on track with his pad work. Waiting on the transplant made him anxious. He was tired of arguing and waiting around so he took up more to keep from over thinking.
Speaking up last year was humiliating being placed on the back burner. Treated like a liability was insulting. He's one of the best workers but felt discredited his health condition didn't slow down his effort.
He took charge because he was tired of waiting around. He was the one that got things done pursuing his goals and dreams working in private behind the scenes onto of everything he's already doing.

He grew up old school times have changed. When he was young they told him date your own race but he was his own person. He wasn't into the cholo life he grew his hair and educated himself. Times have changed back in the days you worked at it to be in a relationship. Now a days women give it away being promiscuous expecting respect or like it with be more than just a one night stand. He never said I love you unless he meant it and observed her actions how can a person say I love you but be all up on another person. Most people play the game but and up getting played. being the fool because all their shady acts catch up to them blow up in their face. Times have changed from child to adult what was cool is no more or what was a hit is now a classic. Things come and go in the blink of an eye another trend to replace the old one.

From having a safety net to free falling not use to change got use to the comfort zone. Change doesn't happen in your bed use to stand out hard to blend in behind the scenes. Seen miserable people told himself to never lose his smile. Humble had nothing working for everything told he was trying to hard. Easy to stand out the standards set low. Some get mad because doing the basics raises the bar. All about maintaining focused on the task at hand over the drama.

He checked his ego at the door, cleaned his mind; before getting on the mats. He'd put on his GI stretch, before class thinking of how to escape the guard not fall into a submition. Countering moves escaping to survive the roll trying not to tap but make my opponent tap. Going hard pulling guard avoid being choked out and giving up points being smart it's a game of chess will vs skill one shall come out victorious.

Woke up early listening to music trying not to think too hard about life. Things are done not able to change the outcome. Still seeking the results another plan changing it up. Things don't come natural lots of practice behind the scenes. Played many roles open to learn and grow over time. Not always heard talking to another plain faces staring in the distance. Words get twisted apparently listing or paying attention to what's being said.