Took the leap of faith
I allowed myself to love
I fear getting hurt she means the world
Things are great I fear shell find someone else
Leave me out to dry up consumed by heartache
That passion fades I want to express my love
I don't want it to end or say goodbye
You know how I feel I said be friends you didn't like the idea
The thought of you with someone else is like death
Taking my life away everything that mattered seems pointless
If I could figure it out I wouldn't be losing it
Not playing or trying to be waiting around
Eventually well be together
Or depart save what's left of my heart

http://nerdrush.podomatic.com/entry/2015-09-15T230457-07_00

I put my faith in my writing told all my stories of pain
Now I'm focused on the positive and good hoping to make a better impression
If not i know I changed for the better been to the others side and back
Others might not like me and girls don't love me
But at least I could say I care and gad real emotions
I don't say anything unless I mean it or it the truth that gets me in trouble but I'd rather be real than fake
My experiences my not mean anything to you but they meant the world to me because I lived those raw emotions one time or another.
I share my thought because I'm not alone and others should know others share similar feelings
Do you and what makes you happy only you can provide for yourself trust and believe in yourself it will take you to where you want to be
Love life live at ease be free

Always down other back out
They'll let you take the heat
Forget you when your into deep
Faded away from the crew
Now they act like they dk you
Making your own way
Not going against them
Don't need their approval
Felt disowned deserve better
Pushed out for speaking up
From friends now the enemy
Forgave them stayed away
Not wasting time going back

the world s a fight inside and outside of the ring
the greatest opponent is yourself
you face someone bigger and stronger
but you are your greatest rival
in the world you keep fighting part of human survival
train to be better than those who oppose
work hard to surpass those who deny your desires
you burn like a fire with passsion
you dress you and show the world new fashion with style
all you can do is move forward
the ring is the stage the world is a stage
never lose it control the rage
the outcome of success will be the words writing the page
stand tall in the ring dont stop till the bell
keep the ring under your rule
king of the ringe cage the rage
find out this was made for you and where you belong

people claim to be player
saying i love you or lets get married
last time i checked you dont fall in love
you could play your games but messing up the game
you damage the girl but messin it up for the true players
you talk like she is the only one for you
but you have more than one
she wants you but you want more
you said at the begining its just fun and games
its a **** shame try to make it more than what it is
how do you trust when all you talk about is lust

I'm always trying to fix in and found it degrading. I've decided to find my ow way be on my own path but these ppl trail me trying to tell me what to do or how to be take yourself else where.
I went away because you rejected me and ridiculed me.
You expect my respect and to show you attention. I care what you think but not enough to give up what I love and what you think. Don't compare me to anyone that's why I chose to be alone or not associate myself with anyone.
I use to see my cousins and family as beautiful but they brew around in their own misery. Your divorced focus on better. You **** as a parent work on the relationship with your kid. You got cheated on or played its not meant to be move on. You hold on and refuse to let go that's the only way to help yourself only if it was that easy.
It's easy but everyone likes to complicate things and make them worse off

He told the truth everyone is mad why are they mad for living a lie. They tell him crap all the time but he knew secrets exposed the truth by calling them on it. Mad at the narrative because it's them when it's someone else they are quick to throw others under and blow the whistle.

The stories come out the tension heat is burning up everyone. No one talks unless it's to bad mouth someone or defend themselves because someone is spreading lies. Making things sound worse than what they reallu

i know your right because i dont loathe you
everything between us feels right
until i feel you are true in my heart
you are not the one for me
the kises between use spark bringing light
the warmth of your hand gives me life
your tend hugs and juicy kisses
feel and taste just right
ill say i love you the day i know you are right for me

Tackling old issues to be free to move onto new
Friend to foe a stranger dk you anymore
Worried about you call forwarded
An unanswered text so much suspense
Talk about getting together it's not health
Moved on mentally still having feelings
Denying myself feeling neglected
Going back thoughts of being disrespected
Being single thinking for one makes sense
In a couple feeling everything mindful
No say or control wild memories remain
Being with her means denying yourself
She's an act pretending to be someone else
Looking out for her keep her safe
While she's willing to let you take the blame doing evil deeds

I cleanse my heart of hate I relieved my mind of stress. Doing my thing life is not a protest live it the way you know and hot it suits you best.
I'm not trying to fake it but do it right do everything to the fullest.
Giving it your all is more than enough
Stay true through tough times
Be pure when the rest are tainted
Rest at night not trying to fight
Be alone others attack in a pack
They betray one another instead of watching their back

Always in my head my mouth gets me in trouble
All these phonies dish it out but can't take it
I'm too honest can't keep holding back while they fake it
Not worthy of my time for not liking me you keep saying my name
Not interested in the games you play so stay away
Only when you need something you are nice
Half the time you talk like you are better
All your nonsense has me saying whatever
I'd rather write than fight helps me sleep better through the night
You spread lies and you're the one with all the bad vibes
Making others look bad is the only way you survive

I'm not always able to share
Or treated fair
My problem is because I care
Too much not settling for less
I hate to cry and say goodbye
Left asking why hate waitin for next time
I let go onces it over
Do my best stay sober
I want you in my life
Once was has nothing to do with now
Turn the page no more rage
Stay in mind think of the words to say
Meet again I think of you till that day

So a friend brought to my attention went to new york. All I can do is be happy for her. We grew apart and wanted different things. She is materialistic and prefers the finer things in life. I'm simple doesn't handle change very well. If things are good why change them. I found you can't stop change things are always changing. People come and go for a reason some you wish stayed and others glad went away.  I'm not a selfish person if you want to go I wish you the best. I'd wait so we can do it all over again. People hold on to memories but let go make new ones. Transition is hard it never happens right away when it does it's totally worth it.

Tired of the criticism never said anything. Annoyed being rushed, doing more seen as less. Always the outsider looking in. Writing while analyzing life looking at everything. He didn't want their approval need to go through them. They stood in the way being roadblocks.
Why were they surprised when he plowed through them. They provoked him he stood his ground as they bullies an opponent that wasn't fighting back.

my thoughts come out in words
im enjoying being free with my expression
anxious no more filter out the bad focus on the good
i never thougt id be free of the darkness
get the depression out of the heart
become in touch with inner peace
im able to be here but want to be there
sometimes events are beyond your control
maybe youll be more once you cope
lessons learned make you better for the next time around
free of all that is stressin you out
able to look fear in the face without
stand up as the chains fall to the ground
escape be somewhere you belong and all feels right
escape the cycle be free be the one doing more

Making those moves because everyone is moving use to care what they thought. They had problems and ruined my goodtimes and vibes with their effortless life and bad attitude. Feeling free from the bad open to much more.
How does my life become about them it doesn't. Sitting in the background learning and trying since no one else wanted it. Lots of talk and missed opportunity now grasping those moments.
Admired people seen them greater than myself. Hyped them up and got let down. Years of being judged and being looked down on. It got old cutting ties so that it could be stopped. Never said anything bad but everything was made personal. What's wrong with asking a question or having an opinion. Especially when the person asked.
Thankful for the people who took a chance giving pointers so that one day moving up was a possibility. Tired of people saying "it's not my job" get out of the way stop wasting everyone's time.
It's been a tough path dealing with people. Learning to be social again since being alienated by family was tough but it made it easier to be by one's self. You miss them but they are holding a grudge holding it over your head because they'd rather be right than happy.

you miss her smile her body against your
its over you hurt her and cannot lie
those eyes shed a tear then will never look at you the same
that smile light a light but it burned out when it comes your way
you beg her to stay but she left you behind walking away
together was great now we are apart you left with part of my heart
you could've made a life with me but now you are marrying someone else
i think that should be me but ism wrong not meant to be together
only if i could write a love letter that will win you back
i don't want to say good by but its time i let go
the though of you is me being a child and i don't want to grow up
i wish i could leave with closure and say good bye
but in my heart you are a treasure
i refuse to quit searching for but that's me living in a time of good memories
i never wanted to say good by but now I'm leaving to be the best
no more thoughts of what was on my mind focused on what is meant to be
good bye wish you the best and my blessings
open for new open for hellos ready to embrace the future

Lock my door thinking of lyrics and sounds
Be more unique than ever so much nonsense
Doing the best to make it have sense
More than one more than others working hard
Efforts mocked criticized one day theyll see the finished product making it flawless
Creating many new outlets
I'd like to show others the error of their ways
Or show them their character exposed
Over come all the crap doing all that's meant to be
Refused to be stopped or quit the talking while waiting makes the blood boil.
I don't fight with fist or words actions speak loudest and show others they are wrong it's being done so stop talking

the smile on my face was earned
lots of judgement and hate came my way
i took  it on and let it go
no more being someone others cannot be
i feel the love and feel best because Ive earned it
Ive been doing things the same they work so why change
you laugh at life and yourself your open when most are closed off
you speak the truth when everybody lies
come clean and every does ***** deeds to get ahead
they dog you but smile your joy goes further than hate
you know that you are great don't let anyone tell you other wise
smiles tickle your soul and others around you
brightens your day when other share your peace
smile smile smile it might take you the extra mile

So much good energy overwhelming
I love the world I've seen
The window view
I grew to know
The things experience
They have no idea
Like a rocker on the road
Don't have a place to call home
Thoughts coming from the dome
Protecting my thought
Happiness can't be bought
You are who you are
not what others thought
Peel through the layers find the truth

He wasn't use to complements she would flirt with him and would wonder what's the catch. He thought there was a connection but there was a hidden agenda. He could never say how he felt for her because she would probably get weirded out living him alone. He thought about dating but the selection was very slim. He didn't have kids or want to raise anyone else's. He also met divorcees that weren't over the divorce or heartache they couldn't get over. He wasn't interested in getting married but did seek a way to be connected to another person. He never understood why people who are unhappy stay together using their kids as an excuse or because this history they don't want to let go of. Why do people cheat if they claim to love a person? How can people be so selfish and hurt others the worse is trying to justify it just own up you're in the wrong so it's not right. His mind raced with questions for failing couples living in the bubble of denial.
He did get lost in his work since he was getting paid, he worked hard for every cent while others did nothing for 8 hours collecting a paycheck doing nothing to deserve it but that's on them and their conscience if they had one. He gave his all at work but everyone pointed out the regardless of all the other corrections he made. They finally gave him a thank you and told him he was doing a good job. It was soothing to finally feel appreciated. Most don't take pride in their work but he would give his all and not afraid to try. He didn't use people or take advantage of others even though would grind him to the bone.

They asked why don't you post so much anymore. It ***** to have critics who knock you for your efforts. My mistake was listening and letting them have their way. I always write but do it in private getting lost in my own little world my thoughts.
Being called weird for being different didn't stop me or get till me but attacking what I love was the worse thing a person can do.
It is my escape my outlet because I'm usually the ear that listens to others helping with their troubles. I give advice but not always heard. I'm loyal and true if you are a good person. If you are doing shady stuff I want no part of that and distant myself. It ***** having stuff to say and how one to share it with. You can do it on the internet but who isn't doing it. Writing had been a major part of life dk what life would be without it.

Once you put on your gi it's a whole new world. On the mats took away my worries you focus on technique and how to get better. first you warm up so you prevent injuries. Stretching is important since it helps with flexibility especially if you are limited. First you get instruction on how to execute moves form is important when learning jujitusu it's not about strength and muscle but finesse and reaction to every action.
If you get the technique down you don't need much torque when performing a submission or choke.
After the lesson you get time for free roll try to use the moves in your roll see if you could apply what you learned in your training make it feel natural. Sometimes you tap people and other times you get tapped. It's give and take doing jujitsu you learn and gain from the experience.
When you get a stripe you feel accomplished all your hard work paid off and you are constantly growing staying humble. That world carries over you become a better person and feel better about yourself.

He entered the building that he once loved
the vibe never the same
He remained the same as they shamed his name
Wanting change things needed to be done right and differently
Being in many battles he grew it was time to walk away
some fights can't be won. Things crumble within at their own demies.
He gave his all, never enough
some never tried and praised
Learning he would never fit in or belong he stoood
watched all the wrong thinking of ways to make it right.
Not always his place, not always going to belong.

The night is my friend cold air in my lungs darkness that feels like home soothing to the heart
Silence that puts my nerves at ease
Time to write create with clear thought and free the mind

Things are are said
Or that happen
Change your life
Those moment where you count
Impacted the most
You thought yes but got a no
Someone you love to a complete stranger
Safe to danger from sure to no clue
Questioning what's real or not true
Together or apart so different
Sometime short out could use a jump start
On my mind everyday
Different feelings anyway

Do it because you want it
Great to be inspired to get it and get it done
Motivated fuel to a burning
fire smoke heavy hard to breathe
One way or another
gonna happen like it it not
Love isn't overrated hasn't been found
Relationships don't ****
all the wrong girls no luck
Take the pad lock off the heart
if you don't love learn to trust
Open up its a start make a comeback
after your world has fallen apart
Favorite place one day share love
Share the world with one another
Live it love it do what feels natural and right

i write lyrics that are filled with the truth
explain my state of mind through words
id ask for help but not answes to my questions
unable to find others with the same mind set
i create life explaining what i see and feel
my mind cant wrap around the lies
i seek nothing but the truth
statred writing after a tragic loss
i continued to write after my gf left me
**** hit the fan i still keeping writing till this day
everyday every night not finished
because it has to sound right

Forgive and move on
Prayer helps
Walk in faith
A lonely journey
God will provide

Had a dream about you I know you're gone it was good you see by my side. The smartest genuine person I know. I see the van and think you are home. You had plenty of life to live the hardest part is letting go still in denial.

Benicio loved his mother, but she was deceiving and driven by her bad habits. His mother never acted like one. She never apologized, but told him to get over it. Blamed him when she couldn't fix.
Her eyed lit up when offered a beer mad because her kids would ask her not to drink. she'd do it in spite, thinking it was funny and cute. Now a grandma, Benicio thinks his mom; never wanted to grow up, and held a grudge because of her bad decisions. She saying one thing, but doing another. Never took responsibility, or accountability for her actions.
He didn't expect, or want much from his mom. Benicio would help with his siblings; while his mother continued to be self destructive. Being put in the middle of her arguments between her and his father. A failing couple that went the distance.

Hard to focus when the heart is else where
Mind racing not sure how to feel
living a lie hard to stand by
The truth is hard to believe
Letting go is a start
That's the hard part
Suffering doesn't mean more
Raw emotions doesn't make life rich
Money can't buy love or the solution
Only trying can fix or make it right
Outcome might not be right
Alright make a start
Walk lost but find the way
Feels like the clutch of misery broken
Spoken with a silent tongue

He sat in his room looked out the window for inspiration to write. He felt like he didn't belong rejected and denied by those he loved. He thought about his family. He felt he was adopted not like the rest. He grew up with tough love meaning he would have deny himself or be someone he wasn't to be accepted. He meant to be a leader not a follower. His sibling joked being rude mistaken for humor, but he was responsible and respectful. He would remain calm because they wanted to get a rise out of him. He know if he spoke returned a gesture he would be heckled. He would walk away focused on his life not bothering with anyone unless they were supportive and encouraged him that was hard to find. He stayed motivated and working hard even if his efforts did go unnoticed.

Can't sleep staring at the wall
Thinking what's next moving on
What's happening isn't working out
Knew it was mistake
From the beginning trying to get there
Already knew the outcome
Positioned as the guy not just a spare
Filling in all this extra for short time
All the funk and gunk remains

Sometimes it feels like my mind is racing
So many unexpressed emotions
I begin to sweat nervously
pushing myself to be more
Thoughts of anger and rage
Makes my eye twitch calm my nerves by breathing
My anxious side makes me want to unleash break something destroy all that ruins my day.
Use to hide a smile because other see it as weakness.
Turn my confidence into doubt
Feeling guilty because I don't share those emotions. They don't care to understand my feelings but impose their emotions like I have none.
My problem is I put others first but don't know, where to start with myself. Doing what I love just want it on a greater scale having fun.
Staying positive I don't want drama so I write and avoid fakes who talk and use people because they have hidden agenda.
My nerves calmed and soothing because I vent to my screen and write in my journal so I can be free of these crippling emotions that drain me and try to bring me down so I can bounce back stronger wiser.

Sorry I haven't been writing as much been focused on my podcast talking about things I love such as UFC and prowrestling most of all sharing fun stories. It's been everyday I think of stuff to say and what I want to be doing.
I'm glad to be working not to fond of the new boss but I avoid him and do my job. He's just rude I mind my mouth because it gets me in trouble. I've learned to treat people right and be friendly some have no respect but that's on them. It comes back to them so I'm not too worried.
I'm giving it my all even though once my assignment is up I'll be sent somewhere else. Once I'm a fulltimer I'll have my set location and make it my own. I've been going strong saying I want to cut back on work focus on church and writing but I end up working more hours. I go with the flow but sometimes I want to bail and do something that matters and makes me happy.

Hiding your pain behind a smile
Trying to be normal Always seen as weird
Whatever that means just want to be free
Took one for the team the team player
The team took for themselves
Standing tall taking on the agony
Not one to quit but it's overwhelming
Slowing down barely getting
Gave it to God can't win this alone
This battle taken its toll yet to lose faith
Showing love most consumed by hate
Cried in bed to fall a sleep
Shedding tears overcome fears

Night so dark
The stars light it up
In the city stars cant shine
Also making it hard to find
In the woods they reflect of the lake
See them above the trees
The stars shine so bright
Add emotions to the night
Shooting stars race across the sky
Surrounding the full moon
Sparkling in your eyes
Reach for the stars so far away

i see the wrong you do
dont act like you are righteous
you judge me but i know the truth
ive done no wrong but you think you are right
you start a fight and already losing the struggle
i see the fear i smell the fear
while you play you will get played
you regret the the day you stayed
my eyes stare you cold while
you dare not make eye contact
i see you not on my level
but you make loop holes
one day youll get trapped in one of the holes
you have dug for yourself
my eyes see you in your ways
waste of my days my eyes see more than you imagined

He accepted he was weird and does his job. Sometimes girls get a crush but he is not good at reading social cues. He makes jokes that aren't funny and gets a laugh at serious moments. He was interested in a girl developing a crush but not good at sealing the deal. Sure *** is fun most of the time things got complicated. Relationships are not what he observed them to be. He was always looking people weren't happy but has history and stayed together. He feared starting because it would end before it meant anything.

I sometimes feel like a prisoner others want me to be a certain. Tolerating so much just to barely be noticed. I'm not bothering with it anymore you'll notice me like it or not. I've been brushed off or left behind time and time again. I've taken the leap fallen on my own others learned from me learning what not to do instead of learning to do things right the 1st time around.
I don't make excuses or lies talked with my best friend we discussed how everyone ends up mad at me because of their ***** ups and down falls. It made me feet better being able to verbal say what I feel. I could in the mirror but it doesn't do anything it's a struggle but ill one day unleash these words send them to ppl like a care package eventually run out and want more but one is the limit.

Treated the same you said I was different
Chosen for greatness and opposed
Fighting for my place I don't belong
Your wrong get out of my face
Fighting to be heard express my opinion
Taking on you and your minions
Seek the day things will go my way
Not worth my energy anyway
I'm human not the monster
You made me out to be
I want sanity set me free
Back to my life no more being taken away from me