sometimes denying you
the thing you want
even when it kills me
brings me a singular joy -
i can say no to you
i can hurt you too
inflicting pain is something
both of us can do
isn’t it ****** up
that i am only at peace
if you are dying with me too?
this persistent voice
wanting to hurt you
as much as you did me
is louder than i thought
it should scare me
but i am tired of trying
to deny
that it does not hurt
that you did not hurt
you did, you did, you did
you can’t tell me this isn’t love
why else would it hurt this much?

the world is quiet whenever i cry
i could hear the birds, the leaves
falling softly to the ground
a sort of drunken lullaby

you don’t need to go there
you don’t need to open
every door that your mind
takes you to
you don’t need to do this
the labyrinthian musings
you don’t need to be
a snake eating its own tail
you don’t have to seek
paths no one else
has been back from
lay your head on my lap
let your worries fall off
your shoulders
i will braid you a story
that has a ribboned end
and you will be able to sleep
at last

i don’t understand
why doesn’t anyone want me?
i have a body ready to be carted
i have a soul ready to be juiced
my back is tired from the constant
push and pull, pull and push
this has been more than enough
i don’t understand it
i am a willing participant
to the exploitation
you don’t even need to ask
my mouth is already open
i am dying to be used
pulverize me into a husk
empty out my emotions
you will have no regrets with me
i can be a good machine

it’s a heavy feeling
wanting to die
i get wrapped up in it
caught in the rain with it
buried six feet under it
it’s a heavy feeling
when it is just me
and this
pounding, screeching
in my head:
how could there be
any space for my living
when already
i am holding hands
with my death?

i hope she soothes you
menthol cool in the summer heat
her words should be honeyed, syrupy
enough to make you sweet

i hope she holds you
gentle like a slow river bend
her hands must be soft and dainty
her voice must be heaven sent

i hope she loves you
enough to rebuild earth’s gravity
shakes its core, halts its orbit
a love that changes reality

i hope she forgives you
endlessly, for every mistake
you deserve to be adored
a love that melts to your taste

you know my weak spots
you know my bones
and the closet where i hide them
you know my haunted land
every twist, every corner
because i showed them all
to you
so do me a favor -
bury the map
and i’ll
bury the lede
let’s just call it quits