Why it's always me who's trying to fit in with everyone...
I feel guilty of being myself

Now we meet only in dreams,
don't know when I will get a chance to see you again.

this void is killing me
and i wanna join the crowd too
but i don't know why
i find peace in this emptiness...

I wasn't only just trying to find myself in the void
But I wanted to be seen ...
I wanted attention so badly that I forgot to be normal...

My whole world revolves around non-genuine but realistic things.

Our love wasn't a deal that we can make again
but still moving on seems in vain...

So everything that I wished for , happened in some other universe and
maybe the ' other me ' wanted all of this that's happening with me now...

why do I still think maybe the reason I don't confess my feelings is the same reason he might have stopped himself....

May 5th,2023
Friday
7:01 p.m.

A month has just passed and the other is on its way but what I've been doing after my exams ended . I feel like I'm absolutely lost and don't know where do I belong. And it's not alright because I've been doing nothing for a month. Maybe I should've been more careful about my future during my highschool but I don't wanna sit and regret about it now. It feels like everything is happening so fast and I'm just stuck at some point and watching everything. Everyone seems so busy and I know it's good that they know what they want unlike me who's just watching , scrolling the  screen and over-analysing things.
I know I should study but I am not able to focus. I'm not ready to face anyone. I know people have expectations from me and I'll feel so guilty to disappoint them.

December 28th,2023
21:53 pm
The year is about to end in just a few days and I am getting flashbacks of everything that happened this year. This year was more like a reality check for me that where do I actually stand among everyone. I do know that I'm not even 1 percent close to have a decent life ahead but I'll try to make a change in my life in every possible way. This year literally made me feel so worst about myself but that was necessary. After feeling so many emotions throughout the year I'm at peace in the end of this rollercoaster year. Life is so much more than what I thought.  Felt guilty for making people disappointed and thus I regretted each and every day for existing. I wanted to quit everything and just had no hope . What's the point in living is the only thought that came across my mind...
I wasted so many days, months just doing things that did no change in my life and my thoughts. I just don't wanna recall those 4-5 months because I'm moving forward with no memories of this year . Yea I def learnt a ton of things but  I wannsa learn more from the coming year...
I hope 2024 will be different from 2023 . I'll do more stufff and continue to be actually happy by my own.
Rishita~

A word that we want to happen in our lives.
Desire for perfection to feel the pride.

But the way you are makes who you are,
cuz with perfection one's true self is far.

I wanna go back in the past over and over again.
all those memories of childhood, I wanna feel again.
all my family members together in one frame ,
chilling at home and nothing to attain.
only if I could go back in the past again...
once again living with my family ,
once again relying on them ,
once again celebrating together  ,
physically, mentally I want to be with them again .
all those memories of childhood I wanna feel again.
only if I could go back in the past again...
once again going to school,
once again sharing the same roof,
once again sitting on same bench,
with all my friends I wanna live again.
all those memories of childhood I wanna feel again.
only if I could go back in the past again...

the last page was missing in the book I was reading,
that torn page was completely blank with just one sentence

"You found me to change the story".

i looked at him and smiled ,
he looked at her and smiled.
it was fine for a while
but then she went too far
and no confessions left a sore scar.
atleast i can see him but he doesn't smile anymore ,
they would be such a good couple only if he confessed before.
someone can be so much in love, like how??
he'll wait for her ,i know somehow...
but still I can't let go as my heart won't allow.

scrolling through my phone
watching their lives
regretting
thinking I'll do something better
overthinking
again scrolling through my phone
                                     -Rishita

Gazing the stars at night,
he recalls everything.
"I did so much only to see this sight.
What am I seeking? ", he asked himself.
"With all those hectic days and hopeless nights,
I've come this far . "
"What memories? They only gave me scar."
"Where it's leading me?", he asked himself .
For all my dreams,I gotta work hard
But in those hard works , where's the happy card...
Was it necessary for all the things to be done?
Living like this, was it fun???

find the right path
to get out of the labyrinth
cuz your desires will make you stay as it will only show the brighter world.
but what if the world is heavier at the brighter part...