fingertips
against my lips
hands on hips
on my back
marks from your steady hands
feel like whips
you hit me because you think i deserve it
blood on carpets and first aid kits
you touching my skin feels like touching a pan without oven mits
cold arms and legs
cold nose
cold wrists
frost bite kiss
listening to music at 4:01
thinkng of your texts
jealousy
fits of rage
do you ever just let go
no reason
to
live
shallow breaths
whats happening
am i dreaming

Parallel lines cut deep into my arms legs and mind from razor blades and the smell of pine car scent make me feel pretty fine

The circles under my eyes show no disguise
that my sleep is on strike
and has been for quite some time.

They still exist.
They are in me.

I'm started to daze in and out of two different worlds

Wandering around in my palace in the dead of night

A painted mask of happiness over true kindness and caring

Absolute and utter silence.
Cuts on your arms louder than words.

Every thing is still and cold

This isn't teen hormones.
This isn't just depression.
I don't know what to think anymore
Is anyone there
How can you tell the line from reality when you wake up
I'm so confused constantly
I am literally just stumbling through everything in the dark
Everything is dark
There is no help where I am
And the longer I don't get the help I need
The more lost I'm going to become
Even when I'm with these people
People I should be able to trust
I'm so alone
I can't feel part of a group
It's probably because I'm not.
Every waking moment is blurry and dull.
It's like I put sunglasses on my emotions.
I'm trudging through mud.
I'm drowning.
How much more of this can one person take?
Every waking moment is
No one likes you
No one cares about you
Everything I thought was stable isn't there
It never was
My mind was a home
A stable two story house
He said I had irrational thoughts
That I hear things that people don't actually say
That I don't have a clear connection to reality
Now what
Do I question everything I thought was real
Do you know how confusing that is?
Do you know how much pain I feel?
Constant suffering and lack of sympathy
I can't feel anything
But when I do
It's so strong that I can't stand it
I get so suicidal
I just want this to be over with
I'm tired of feeling like this
No, I don't want to change.
Why should I have to change to be normal?
Why do I have to take pills to be normal?
What if it changes me
I'm so scared to be happy
Do you know how comfortable depression is?
Depression is my childhood friend
Depression is the only thing I can trust and depend on
Without depression I'm
Nothing.

My skin is p a  l e
My body c o ld
     And in my chest lies a broken heart of fools gold
My re alit  y   I  on ce knew is ha z  y    a nd n on exist en  t
It's grown old
     And I'm becoming tired of being bold
And being told right from wrong
      I'm sinking softly down when I don't know how to swim
  Every inch that I further lose from possibility to stay afloat is lessening my want or need for a life boat
    Every breath I attempt to take fills my lungs with ugly pseudonyms and sends me down deeper into my lonesome underpopulated town inhabited only by fragments of once strong relationships that i held so close to me that I c ould n't  b reat h e, the relationships that kept my entire being from sinking in the first place.
   I'm drowning and I can't see what's even in front of me
       I'm a ship bound by anchor to the wrong bad habits of shedding my   blood willingly to bloodthirsty ravenous sharks in the sea of my minds eye
       This was once a safe harbor for the ones I kept close
  The ones that knew what mattered to me and the ones I cherished most
      Now its a sea full of  gh o sts
Of the people I trusted them the most
    I trusted them to not turn on me or use me like a host
And now I'm the one  dro w ning
I' m    so  sca re      d
   Now when I share my harbor it feels so
    U    n    fa    i r
        They don't understand what I risk give to let them be there
It never harbors in their heart as deeply as it does mine
     The possibility of even defining how hard it is to let these ships safely     pass through this harbor will now and forever never be able to escape  my pale numbing lips
    Only silence
Everything here is just riddled with murderous crashing waves
   Any relationship that enters I try so desperately to save
     And in that attempt
  The harbor starts to misbehave
            The waves destroy every boat or anything that floats
  Anything at all to help me cope with being so alone or the feeling of even remotely being at home.
      My fingertips are numb and cold and starting to fold and I can't feel those things I could before
I just want all of this over
N o    m   o re   dro w n    i n          g
All my life boats have sunk
    Now I'm just stuck
     All these hands and graves are grabbing at me and pulling me down        ev ery   whi ch     wa y  at  the
    bott om of the
oce an
u  nd   er

     al l
th e s     e  
    
h e   a     v y


               waves.