It was 4am when I started writing about you
I still remember how the last “I love you” sounds like.
Every minute that passes the pain grows
But It wouldn’t even compare to the pain I’ve caused you

Baby you have limits. I’m sorry I’ve forgotten how I made you feel that night
When I started destroying the last piece of trust you have in me.
I can hear the sorrow in your voice. Oh the disappointment.
My eyes are drenched with tears flowing like rain.

You told me how much it hurts that you couldn’t even cry.
Your face is pale and your arms is shaking.
I wanted you to hurt me so that you could get even
But you loved me so much you couldn’t.

Regrets. Those ******* regrets. Is it too late to say I’m sorry?
You told me you wanted some time to think.
I was too scared to give you that space.
I was too scared you’ll learn to live without me and eventually you’ll leave me.

I’ve asked you everyday “Do I make you happy?” And you said yes too many ******* times. That was my goal since day 1 because I knew you deserved it all. All your life you have been putting other people’s sake before yours.
I wanted to be that man for you but I was the one who destroyed you.

I was supposed to be the one who’ll help you rise from the ashes
But I was the one who started the wildfire in your heart.
I was supposed to protect you from harm but I was the one who put you to it.
Baby you loved me so much you didn’t care.

I got so ******* wasted
I couldn’t recognise the taste of water anymore
My mouth is drenched in alcohol and my lungs is filled with smoke.
You’re not supposed to feel that way. I was supposed to be your ******* saviour but I’ve killed what’s left in you.

I taught you why hurricanes are named after people.
I brought the storm in your life.
Darling, I’ve wasted your young years.
You said you didn’t care. You said you still loved despite of what happened. But your eyes told a different story.

I knew from the start that it would be you.
My mind was like “oh hello, there you are. I’ve been looking for you my whole life.” I was filled with familiarity with the passion you have shown me. I drowned in your ocean of melancholia.

I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I want you. I ******* want you.
I don’t want you to be another failure in my already ****** up life.
You weren’t scared of my monsters but they ate you whole.
I’m sorry. Love me. I beg you.

We talked about the universe under the roof of my room.
You calmed me when I was too ******* frightened of the heartbreaks that other people has caused me before. Love me again and I’ll show you that during that moment, you were the only person I’ve cared about.

Let me go back to the start. Take another path.
I’ll bring back the galaxies in your eyes. Until I met you I have never known the word addiction. Forgive me I craved the the canvass that is your body that I forgot you were protecting it. I was just too mesmerised with you. I ******* adored you.

You took my heart, I will never ask for it back. Carry it as if it’s yours.
Feel how every beat of it screams your name. I don’t want to smoke cigarettes anymore just to **** the butterflies in my ribs. I ******* miss your smile it hurts my whole body. I’m sorry for the coward I am. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

"These streets reminds me of you. Every corner, is like a fragment of once was. Every smile from a stranger brings back memories of your own smile. I've traced your footsteps like it was mine. I knew going back to this place will be painful, and reminiscing every happy memory will be a torture but I could care less. This is the closest we've been. For me it feels like home, that you're just here, that there's still hope in the story. Then reality hits me, you're not here anymore. The damage has been done and these are all just ghosts of the past. In my mind I wish I could've said these words "Stay. Just stay a little longer."

"They say that there's always a rainbow after the storm. That there's someone who'll pick up the pieces of your shattered heart and will fill the missing fragments of you. They say that you'll love again. A love that will shake your world and will come knocking at the walls you've build around you like tidal waves. Someone that will lighten your already dark world that is brighter than all the city lights. Late nights won't be about you crying on your bedroom anymore. It'll be about you staying up till 4am because that's how much she makes you happy  Someone that loves you so much you'll question your own sanity. I am a living, breathing proof that someday someone will come who will make you smile more than ever. Hang in there my friend, it will all be okay.
-Note to self