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 Oct 2013 Hopes of a Recovery
T
I need to stop hating myself
for being the type of girl who loves love
because despite the bitter backlash I have never experienced a thing more beautiful
and that's saying something because
I'm the type of girl who hunts for a sunrise and feels cheated when I miss the sunset
I'm the type of girl that hates going to sleep because I might miss out on something amazing,
even if it's just a cloudless night
I need to stop over thinking everything because
I'm the type of girl who acts from the heart
and my head only gets in the way, makes me regret the decisions I know are right
I'm the type of girl who says what she means
and will cry if I'm hurt
if I'm mad
or if you're hurt
or you're mad
I'm the type of girl that cries
because anger scares me
When I fall, I fall hard because
I'm the type of girl that won't hide behind my pride
I'll put myself out there because
you can't feel love with only part of your heart
I'm the type of girl who loves love
I'm the type of girl who gets hurt
But I have seen incomparable beauty.
 Oct 2013 Hopes of a Recovery
K J
Today I am
tired...
Today I am
weak...
Today I am
lazy...

Today I should
drink tea.
Today I should
work out.
Today I should
Complete something.

But today,
I really don't
want to.
I think today I
will just be.
I will be what I
am.

Some days,
(like today)
It's okay
It's okay to be
To be
tired
and weak
and lazy.

Today
I will be those things
But Tomorrow
I will be a new me.
 Oct 2013 Hopes of a Recovery
R
it was easier to
look into your
eyes today.

you helped me
with my math
and you looked
me in the eyes
but now i see
the real you and
you'd think i'd
despise the
way you judge
people so easily
and the way you
looked at her
when she came in;
it was like she was
the worst thing
that could happen
in your day.

yet somehow, i
stayed calm and
made you calm
down because
you bring out the
best in me and yet
i still love you no
matter how many
flaws you have.

does your fiancé do the
same?
 Oct 2013 Hopes of a Recovery
R
ive seen the pictures and gifs of
when people go to far when
cutting.
and honestly, i get
so scared.
to think that people can just
open themselves up and
let blood pour and
spill and not have a
second thought about it
because they are just trying to
let their demons out.

but then i remind myself that
i do the same and that i
could end up on the
bathroom floor if i
dont be careful and
end this addiction
i have.
So small in his mother's hands. Blonde mess of hair on his head, sparkling blue eyes when he finally opened them. "I'll never let anyone hurt you," she told him while he slept that first night. Soon he grew to age of 13. His blonde hair still shinning and his blue eyes still sparkling. He fell in love with a girl. A girl who didn't deserve his love. A liar, a cheat. She played with his heart. She soon moved on to another, only seeking attention. He was lost, not clear of his intentions in life. Blurry-eyed with stars in the sky he walked to his mother's room and whispered, "I'll never let anyone hurt you." Then, he grabbed his blades and said goodbye to the world. Then, he was barried in the ground on a cold, cloudy day. And his mother came to say, "I'm sorry that they hurt you. I'm sorry it ended this way. But I can't change the past. So I came to say, rest in peace, my sweet.
This is for a very close friend of mine who committed suicide. I loved him very much and it was hard when he left. I will never forget him.
 Oct 2013 Hopes of a Recovery
R
i thought i could handle
not being yours but when
trying to describe why i
feel the way i do i just
completley breakdown.

i tried describing your eyes
to someone who has never had the
beautiful chance to be in your vicinity and
i could barely get through to the
part of where i compare thy
eyes to an ocean after a
strong storm.

what should i do?
its easier now to be around you but
should i even try?
you've picked me up and brought out my
wings but can i really fly?

oh dear, please tell me because
i'll drown without you here.
im drowning in the ocean that is
you and im not sure if i should
cry out in fear.

maybe im better off in a
kiddie pool.

****.
i'm not scared of the dark
or being alone
or crowds
or monsters
or strangers
i'm not in fear of things
but i worry
i worry over everything
it stresses me to my core
devours my mind
makes me sleepy
if only i could sleep
i worry about the stupid things i said
i worry about the work expected of myself
i worry about my future
i worry about the judgements others make of me
i worry about the way i stepped left today
as i rip myself to pieces
just because i should have stepped right
i cry over my own thoughts
the worries i create drown me
literally
i worry about a mole on my skin,
what if it's melanoma?
i worry about how much i worry,
what if it's anxiety?
well i think it is
but i don't want to say it
what if people think i'm crazy?
i would rather be stressed
sleepless nights
and countless attempts
of flirting with death.
fear and loneliness
until the last breath.
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