My second Christmas without you
Never knew or understood how holidays
Make you feel the most lonely
Until I was forced to spend
my holidays without you
It’s no wonder I haven’t been
In the holiday spirits
Feeling more and more like the grinch
Developing a better understanding
Of his feelings now that I know
Holidays **** especially when
You’re missing a loved one

**** your feelings
Does your feelings matter more than mine?
Is that all you can think about?
Are your feelings on high volume,
Drowning out the way I feel?
**** your feelings
Because it seems that’s all you care about
Making you feel sorry for me?
Ha, that’s what you said right?
How can I make you feel something
When you’re too focused on your own feelings
**** your feelings

was it my pride that prevented me from going to you?
was it the heartache I felt thereafter?
or was it the knife I couldn't pull out from my back?!
who knows? I can no longer remember
my selective memory has given me release.
release from all the pain that I carried with me

"Toxicity love language," you say
ha, I don't think the two mix
do the way I talk hurt your feelings?
or are you too sensitive to understand?
either way, it doesn't matter
I'm gonna say whatever I want
it's up to you how that makes you feel
I'm just being honest

don't cross that line!
you'll regret it soon after
you shouldn't enter places
you're not welcomed
I can't control my actions
or the "toxicity love language"
you claim I express
this side of the room was not meant
for you - I don't want your affection

one day I would like to be okay
I wake up wishing it would be today
one day I would like to be okay
every morning is a struggle to face the day
one day I would like to be okay
each day there's a lie I tell myself
one day I would like to be okay
I just don't think that will be today

a breath of fresh air
mixed with the intoxicating
scent of your cologne
that entices me oh so painstakingly
God these pheromones!

as I breathe in
something animalistic
awakens within me
that drives my mind ballistic
God these pheromones!

goodbye my second love
what we had was great,
but if we were both being
honest it wasn't supposed
to happen. I'm sorry if
I hurt you or made your
view of this world worse
that was never my intention

It's too late for redemption
but know that my feelings
were sincere and my love
was pure but my intentions
were never to hurt you.
goodbye, my second love.

the meaning
resonates with
me more and more
each day

a daily reminder
that I have chosen
to keep moving
forward and yes
I will have days
where I want to
lapse and revert
back to that
dark place, but

I'm choosing me
and moving forward
the best way I know
how; with my head
held high and my
spirits even higher

don't look at
me like that

the eyes of adoration
weigh so heavily
on my mind

when you look
at me don't compare
yourself with I
or tear yourself
down because
you think I have
it all together

look pass my facade
and see me for who
I truly am
a lost, tired and scared
girl who is still
figuring out her life

embrace me like
a warm blank on
a cold winter night
sipping hot cocoa
to warm my insides
and wake my mind
from the dark places
within that wants
to take me under

know that it is I
who should be
looking to you
in admiration
and that you lack
nothing

Lost and confused by who I am supposed to be,
grasping straws and still in search of this uncertainty.
Searching for all the answers to my unasked questions.
No luck in finding who I'm supposed to be or who I was.
Did I travel the path unknown willingly
or did my emotions blindly misled me?
How can I conquer this fear and uncertainty?
I'm tired of wearing this cracked mask.
My emotions are getting the best of me,
yet still I continue wearing this mask.
Pretending that my fears aren't yapping at me
constantly nagging me to let go and let someone in.
I'm sorry it's too dark in here to let you in
this cold, dreary black abyss.

Your eyes caress me oh so gently
it always leaves me speechless.
I never knew someone could look at me the way you do.

Some days I wake up with purpose
the purpose to do something different.
Different than the day before,
but I get so stuck in this endless routine.
I call this routine comfort.