i have not written in a little bit
and i know it's because i'm happy
and i am healthy
but i have to remember what got me here in the first place
because if i didn't write my first poem
i would have drowned myself in my tears
i would have snapped my pen in half
i would have left my brain crowded with too many thoughts
too many sour feelings
i would have left unused notebooks
under my bed
if i didn't write my first poem
i would not feel this happiness
and this health
that i do right now

the way you wrap your arms around me
and give me a hug
when you get drunk
makes me sad
because you aren't able to do this when you're sober
because i think the only time you're happy
is when you have a drink in your hand
and i know that you are hurting so bad
and i feel like i don't know you well enough
to be able to take your hurt away
but i guess it isn't my job to fix you
and maybe you don't need any fixing at all
so when you tell me that you miss hanging out with me
it fills me with sadness and guilt
because i don't think i miss you as much as you miss me
because i want to so badly be your friend
but right now
i don't know if i can be friends with someone
who can only be happy when they have a drink in their hand

i will always admire you
you feel this deep sense of empathy
i have never seen before
you care so much about everything
you feel so deeply and strongly
you always make sure to show me
not only do you care about everything
you care about me
thank you

and i remember the poem
you wrote about
yellow nail polish
and today
when i needed you
your light
your smile
your hug
your comfort
your friendship
i bought myself
a bottle of
yellow nail polish
because if i can
not be with you
at least i can
carry you in
my yellow nails

i really have been trying not to make everything my problem
so when my mom called me
and she told me i should be more sympathetic rather than empathetic
i knew that she was right
but mom, it doesn't make it any easier

because mom,
you taught me to pick others up before myself, even if it made it a little harder for me to stand up
because mom,
you taught me to love with my entire being, even if it ended with a tear stained pillow and broken heart
because mom,
you taught me not to say no to a good thing, even if it meant you had to help me pick up the broken pieces in the end
because mom,
you taught me that i still need to put myself first sometimes, because loving myself is the most important
and mom,
when you called me
and you told me i should be more sympathetic rather than empathetic
i knew you were right
and i want you to know that i'm trying
but it's because i grew up my entire life watching how you always put everyone before you, even if it literally wore you to the ground
and mom,
i'll appreciate that forever

so mom,
i'll promise to try and put myself first, if you'll do the same.

i have told the story of how you destroyed me so many times
and the funny part is
that i tell it the same way every time
but this last time that i told it
it felt different
and
i have spent a long time thinking you took up more space than you actually did
because i dedicated a whole chapter of my life to you
and for a while
that was the only chapter i was reading
but
it turns out you were just another paragraph
in the story that is my life
and
my story is my favorite book to read
so i won't let you ruin my favorite book for me
you barely deserve a page
there is no way in hell i'm giving you a chapter