Don't tell anyone
But I think my hands are too weak to catch the right type of love, the good kind that does not drip between your fingers in a sticky mess
But the kind that has wings to fly but remains nestled in your palms

I stalk,
And then I find you in my belongings
I find you between age old books as a stained piece of paper unbelonging in the chapters
I find you behind a photograph stained and almost unrecognisable, I find you there as worn out ink and there I try to read you but fail oh so miserably
I continue to search for you, find you and lose you again in the mass of my clutter while the clock ticks on waiting until I find you again

Who would have thought that when I was sent from heaven with such a hue on my skin it would create an uproar of rage and start a river of blood
Who could have fantomed the chains and the beatings that would still be associated with the hue of this skin
Who knew that the hue of this skin, the smooth darkness that I see within the mirror would suddenly be an automatic 'X' on my back.
So I lay here confused because heaven should have told me what comes with the hue of this skin.

Pelvic stars glow across my being,
But just because this light allures you does not mean you are welcome to take what lays in between the infinite universe of those stars

I've been conversing with people that don't know me
Contemplating about people that have no desire to know me
And fixating on people that will never be mine

Yet I keep praying,
Disgracing and degrading
Humiliating and abusing
My own soul, for people that never take the time to give me any loving, any caring.
People that are never caught appreciating but keep using what they keep breaking.

My boy cinnamon,
He is Aromatic
An Asian beauty that tingles the senses inside and out
A wondrous being that fills my life with such flavour that I wonder how I had not noticed how bland it was before

Cinnamon I may not have tasted you nor felt you yet between my fingers
But you are still mine and always will be, my boy cinnamon

No matter how unconditional your love for someone is,
Conditions need to be applied once that love starts hurting you

Stop letting go
Of things you know
Make you glow

My words formed an ocean, your response formed a sea and together we were deeper than deep can be.

I choose,
I choose to write on my wrists the words I cannot say
Spiraling around my arms the secrets I cannot tell
Finding their way to my neck the sentences  I don't understand
Kissing my ears, my lips, my whole body
A scroll full of ink, red, black and blue
A rainbow of selective colours, meaning not a rainbow at all.
In the morning these words disappear
Evaporate into the tingling morning air to join my dreams in the boxes I have kept them in order to gather dust and remain unopened, untouched and unlived.

To be wed is a beautiful thing
Heart bursting with the butterflies that have grown since you met your true love
Eyes filled with so much joy and magic that it feels as though you may just be living in a film, a fairytale
Everything is spinning so fast, yet at the same time it feels as though everything is turning ever so slowly so you can enjoy each second of every moment.

And in those moments you realise you are truly to be wed.
To be tied to someone till eternity and beyond
To be bound heart by heart and soul by soul to another individual that has become your life.
You realise all else will fall hoplessely away like nonentities and all that will then be left will be this person you are to carry with you forever
To be wed is a beautiful thing and it is an experience all who go into are nervous about yet endlessly happy of the notion

My whole body hurts
Trembling from what I just read
Desire threatening to cover me with its devil mist
Yet, I refuse to succumb
Months of pain and anguish cannot simply be brushed underneath a carpet
A carpet of more lies and frustration
No
Despite the moon cheering me on to fall back into you arms
Despite my heart longing and crying
I shall not succumb
For I have learnt that desire is just the tip of what makes us
And so far there is no us

Popping veins like champagne bottles

I dreamt a dream of child soldiers and blood
A boy small and stout laying motionless on the grass
His little body covered by plantain leaves
His shoes swallowed by debris
The songs of the ancestors long forgotten as their tune is swallowed by the cry of battle and ******.
Nameless boys and innocent stolen girls
Graves with no tombstones
And commanders with no rules
This is war

The heart contradicts

Life is managed not cured

My protector,
at least that was what you were meant to be
but as the stars collided with my vision
I knew that was not what you were.

Blood boiling within my veins as I realised my protector
was truly my destroyer
the one that made a gush of tears begin their descent
the one that was causing so much pain

As the hot liquid scolded my skin, as I was moved upwards with forceful yanks, I found out that those meant to love sometimes cannot

You are too young
You are too young to know
You are too young to understand
Now tell me, when has age become the factor to determine if I understand the stars in the sky
Perhaps my height is still too small and voice is still too high

I felt something last night, a body against mine
It was real but like a dream at the same time
I was struggling, I was petrified
I was shaking and fearfully cried
Last night there was too much body contact
Last night was not a dream

And at times I questioned, I questioned when life would be enough. when the need threatening to blow over within a person would cease and instead reduce to an undisturbing simmer.
I questioned when the blood, although unseen until a cut would be enough to rest ones mind and scatter ones fears
I questioned when the tears that build up quietly would be enough, enough to assure that your worries and not useless and they exist beyond the realm you have become accustomed to.

I have questioned yet I have received no answer.

The stars burn brightly
as bright as I once did
now this is just mockery

Dear nightingale, won't you sing to me your sweet song?
As I watch the moon cast it's shadow unto your tainted wings?
I want to be absorbed in a world of your tune
Dancing until the sun allows us

What captures someone but does not take them to prison?

Philosophers look for the truth
Lawyers look for the truth that suits them

Philosophers bend words more than lawyers do

I sowed your name unto my wrist in red thread
So the devil knew who I belonged to and who would come

Someone was told me"Life is going to beat that hopefulness out of you." and I am afraid he was right, I have become but a dark human in a chaotic world.

Ten hundred skins, have been mounted upon my flesh

"And maybe you should stop pitying yourself,” he said. “Most people are lucky to have even one great love in their life. You have found two."

Your lips find my very weak spot
And I tingle
Does this make ashamed or should it? I do not know yet I cluster myself together to give you more
Then the blackness settles as the euphoria momentarily blinds us
Our other senses of the world suddenly unknown to us as only the clenching and unclenching of our bodies is what we know
Our knowledge suddenly becomes limited
And we can only speak words of "you" "I" and "love"
Bodies were not made to express this length of work and I am sure we indefinately destroyed ours, but we do not seem to mind as we push through
Hips connect and eyes roll as creatures from celtic and godly realms rejoice at the meeting of our minds,souls and bodies
They speak confused as to how such a connection can even be humanistic or even possible
You and I unaware of this attention, carry on and heave but for us it is not an unpleasant sound but one that let's us know the end is yet to come.

You write your pain upon your wirst
you make it look like you broke your fist
the world has changed and so have we
close your eyes and follow me

Dont let the darkness win
dont let yourself succumb to sin
dont be afraid dont you shout
I will be here to figure you out

I will draw a map from eyes to mine
I will drink you up like the blackest wine
I will make sure you're not dead
I will make sure you have your head

You will be mine to keep
If you promise not to lie in your sleep
do not think to betray me
do not think to throw it all into the sea

"Hello there" the figure cooed, looking down at me with my large brown eyes
"I'll be here with you for a long time" the figure promised as I listened to bottles smashing and screams sounding

"I won't let you go" the figure insisted as my pigtails bounced up once I hit the wall.
My puffy face seeming to be calmed as I was told"we have a while together"

But then I grew taller, I did not know how it happened, I did not mean to.

And as I grew the figure saw me less each day, and suddenly when my feet could easily touch the ground as I sat on my swing, the figure was gone,breaking it's promise it made seventeen years before and leaving me because it said "I am innocence and you do not need me anymore"

I found myself missing your touch
Your lips on the autumn days that have come back
I missed your smile. The smile only I could project
I miss the wavering of your hand as you touched the maps of our bodies to discover new places
I never knew it would come to an end, that those crevices you discovered would lay neglected for half an eternity
But they did
Until now

Write with blood and they will see
Write with blood and you will forever be
Write with blood to be everlasting
Write with blood it is quite enchanting
Write with blood it is not at all frightful
Write with blood it is more beautiful
Write with blood for it turns black
Write with blood so you never turn back

I once drugged my lungs in order to feel you again
Letting kings ravishing a body that was once sacred and untouched
Their gold crowns reminding me what I seek yet what I do not need
Their jewels cool against my body, tormenting my senses on what they can never have
Now I drug my lungs in order to not feel the pressure against my skin, the lips tearing against my innocence and the screams destroying my hope
I drug myself to forget but it is hard when your window is across mine

I never phantomed that highs could end
That the euphoric smoke that clung to my soul could simply be blown away by the absence of your kiss

I never phantomed that ghosts were behind me, waiting until my heart was vacant so they could inhabit, this happened because of the absence of your gaze

I never phantomed that my chest could feel this heavy,as though stones found themselves ashore and crawled in while I slumbered, this was because of the absence of your touch

I never phantomed that my light could be dimmed, that I the brightest star in the sky could suddenly become the least favourite amongst the gods because of the absence of you

And so I wait, a cast out star,worn out, tired and dimmed my glow taken and my hands astretched, for you whose absence meant the end of my reign in heaven and the end of who I am

I have never known a chest could feel this heavy
Did stones embed themselves within last night?
Was I in too deep of slumber to realise I was sinking to the deepest of seas?
I had not noticed that my toes were slowly weathering away until all I had left were my knees
I had not bothered or even dared to pay close enough attention to the fact my arms too were slowly disappearing
Parts of me blowing across the wind to a place I will never know
But this wind need not have come in if you had not opened the door

Fatigue never got in the way of a man and good things

I am like a new window, I just hope life doesnt taint me too much, actually I am waiting for the right stains

I watch
I wait
I pray my eyes deceived me
I pray my ears misheardbut I know they did not
I know I have been foolish
There is no redemption at this point
I had always warned you

I have tasted wine before
I would be lying if I said none tasted as good as your lips
Alot tasted better
However you know I am but a cynical fool
One that sees the darkness long before it thinks to approach
And yet you still hold my hand, in the hopes I will declare to you something poetic, something none have declared to you before
But I fear I am too ***** for such a deed
The pure part of me that could produce such romanticism has long be poisoned
And has since died
So I would be selfish if I asksd you to wait
I will not
For even my evil only goes so far

True to the words I speak
True to the experiences I have lived
True to the hands I have held
And the faces I have met
Both the ones frozen in time and the ones that held motion
I know to it all a dream that will never be forgotten
A dream I could not make up on my own

Upon the threshold I stand
Looking down at my life
I can not tell if the tears are for a life so well lived that it is beyond any sadness to leave it behind
Or if the tears are because I realise my life was built only on sadness that no other can know

If one is never fully dressed without a smile
Then I must be naked all the time

A day of wonder
Is a day I do not know
A day I have not been able to explore
Yet instead I discover the blood within lungs
preventing me from breathing
I cannot analyse the faces before me
The smiles
The happiness
I often wonder if that shall ever be applicable to me
If the sun will ever gift my skin with the shine it bestows upon others
They testify that I hallucinate
that none of my worries belong in reality
none of them are worth existing

Some speak of the satisfaction of life
The mere appreciation of little things that may let you breathe easy
Let your heart calm
But I still await this feeling
it foreign to me
Like england is foreign to the recent sun
Oh how I wish I could feel what they speak of

My love for you grew strong and tall
Even when you tried to weather my affection with your bitter words and cut it down into nothing
yet, still my love flourished touching the skyline and bringing you a light you never dreamt was in existence

Let me fall into your deepest end
I promise you I can swim
For even if it is dark because of your nightmares,
I can find my way.

We are the women that bleed prufiously unto our dresses in the form of tears
The women that disturb the winds with their feral screams
The same women you love, yet deny

You know, I drank myself in for a while
All deceit and sorrow
Bitter taste it was
Or shall I say I was
Yet I smiled and glugged on
I licked my teeth, pretending to savour my juices
But I was dying inside