****** rings, tattoos
Open leg crab harnesses
Shove it in my face

Dark hair, milky thighs

We are all such broken things

Deep in the Nothing.

It's 3 am again
and I am here
and you are there
and I am alone in my bed
so I can't whisper
"G'night sugar"
in your ears
or tickle you to sleep
or wake up to your legs
or your heat
or your sleepy eyes.

*Breathe deep and feel me now

Moldy coffee and ***** socks
fight for space among graying memories of memories as the dirge
in my head plays on.

It's like a hearing test that lasts every waking moment, this ******* ringing in my ears.

It's 3am again and death is in the air,
so close to home I feel the ancient heat
of leathery wings on my tired shoulders.

So tired

This tired body of mine,
I've really put it
through the ringer.
I've gotten some good miles
out of it.
The *******,
The car wrecks,
The *******,
The fistfights,
The beatings,
The *******,
The drugs
and the *****
and all that *****.
The mosh pits
and the miles walked
and all of those crazy
dangerous risks
all in the name of fun.

I should have died so many times

I didn't though.
I'm here.
I'm alive.
I'm still giving it
right back
to the *******
and getting all
the *** I can,
while I can.

Your God wants me to be happy

So I took the drugs
and the punches.
I walked for miles
and sat on the beaches
and woke up in holding cells
and found out what it
means to truly love
and felt what it's
like to die from
the inside out.

I've been at one with every
molecule in the universe
that ever has been
and will be.
I've seen the spirits lights
while the first ones
sang and drummed as I
wept in the dark.

I've felt shame
and fear
and loss of hope;
hunger pangs
mingled with glorious
hallucinations.

Life is but a dream

Really though,
dearest,
none of that matters
when I'm alone
at 3 am.

If one heart breaks too many times, the outcome is severe,
This is my first-hand account,  and why I’m standing here.
I was not protected, believed, comforted or heard
To expect I’d rally differently, or better is absurd.

Who the hell do you think you are?
Creating demons, and inflicting scars
Never showing me affection, and rarely being kind
Really does a number on a child’s simple mind.

I slid a razor over my skin, the first time when I was six
The cuts have healed just fine, mental anguish ******* sticks
The problem is, the six year old, you tortured has grown up
Turns out I can be loved Frances,
so I filled my own cup

You mean nothing to me Frances.
Ivan, ******* too!
I hope you know, in many ways,
I've killed the both of you.  

Sam I ******* hate your stupid *** for what you did.
Do you feel remorseful now, or are you still ******* kids?
My wish for you… suffering, much more before your dead
If I were you, I’d **** myself,  just like the voices said.

Eric you aren't worth a single word from me or a wisp of air,
You could die today in fact and nobody would care.
Ivan you’re the disappointment, you aren't even a man.
Get in my face you ******* coward and I’ll drop you where you stand.

Judge not, lest he be judged himself; old man I wouldn't dare
You should have ******* stopped him Ivan, after all,  you were right there
Instead you did what you do best and hid under a hood
You probably think we'll meet in hell, but me and God are good

Keep yourselves away from me,  I am better than y’all
My heads held high, were toe to toe, I’m big now and you’re small.
Those of you reading this might think I’m being mean
Trust me though when I say this you ain't seen anything

Heidi Shavill
2013

Lost in the crimson smear
of your bruised lips,
wading in your milky folds
as time crawls on all fours,
I open all my eyes
and feel the you
in me.

Everything is One

My body,
blood and breath
become yours
as skins blend.

My eyes drink from
your lips and
my lips eat from
your skin and
my skin feeds from
your soul and
my soul is
shrouded in thick shadows,
bound in leathery lusts,
shackled with a will of steel
forged from the
transcending of suffering.

We are One

Each breath and subtle movement
brings me closer
to our core
as infinity
opens inside of us.

We are Forever

Lost in the grey garden of
my dying memories,
drowning in the deep nothing
as I crawl on hands and knees,
I open my throat and purge
the you from me.

Late, thick with desire
Your voice, skin, smells, all absent.
Crawling in my mind.