Heaven Dawn

Heaven Dawn Mar 2014

I'd like to tell you stories of boys who swore they loved me.
Boy 1: I wasn't five feet tall, but you towered over me, looking at me like god had left an angel behind, I ran, and you yanked my ponytail, did you realize what love even was? I threw rocks at you, I left a scar across your eyebrow, but yet you screamed I love you. You moved and I haven't seen you since.
Boy 2: I grew to be a boy stuck in a girls body, I beat up on boys who said things like "You're pretty". But it didn't stop you, you had a smile that made girls flutter their eyelashes but you were scrawny and we laughed at the thought of you whispering I love you when I wasn't looking at you. Ew.
Boy 3: Fast forward, I bloomed, hormones were scenting the halls, but you were my best friend. I could fall into the sea of your eyes, I cut all my hair off and people snickered at the weight I had gained but you had curls and I felt blessed, but you said I love you and I had read such things about taking advantage. So no, I let you go.
Boy 4: I never even got to meet you, you were words behind a screen, I knew boys who knew you but I had never looked at the face of a boy who typed faster than god and declared I would never love anything, well then.
Boy 4: I'll admit, I almost said it to you, I thought maybe it could have been true with you, you had midnight eyes and we all know I rest among the sky, you had hands that made pianos cry and laugh, poetry that made me question how my heart wasn't beating out of my chest. Probably because my heart was dead and you were holding hands with a girl whom I used to harmonize with, still.
Boy 5: How did we even end up being together? You whispered things in Spanish and I yelled and you shut down, YOU NEVER YELLED BACK. I kicked you down, bet love never felt so good, right? You looked me in the eyes, pushing out words like "God, you're an addiction" and you wanted me to meet your mother, ha, you screamed I love you I just asked what that even was. You cried and I left to kiss your best friend, oops.
Boy 5: You never said I love you, but you never said you liked me either, well, you had, but it was never mutual. You were just a getaway from the hell I had breathing down my back, and the windows were fogged, I drew iniatials that claimed you mine for the summer. You looked up and said things like "I could fall for you". Do you understand why I ignored you for 5 months? You never came after me, *******.
Boy 6: You had embers in your hair, and hands big enough to make me feel safe, you walked in. The birds in my chest that I had torn the feathers off of, suddenly beat against my ribs, you asked for my name and I swear to god I stuttered at the thought of your voice in my ears again.
And we laughed, but a night came where I swallowed pills I promised to keep away from, but death held my hand and I told you I loved you and waited for death to tug me, I woke up to the sun.
How do I end this?
Oh, I don't.

Heaven Dawn Mar 2014

You're no ******* guardian angel

I once had a craving before we knew each others freckles, to kiss your shoulder blades, because I swore you had wings.
If you get beneath my shirt, your fingers will trail the tattered feathers of wings of a demon who fell into the arms of an angel.
Take these broken wings and tell me I'm still beautiful, even when the sky didn't want me.
Please, don't touch them, my wings I mean, I burn at the touch of men with constellations in their spines, bet if I traced them, I'd feel close to God.
Envious of the way the sky held you close, I took every abandoned feather and set fire to my wings.
Hold my hand through the flames, I swear to the stars I'm going insane.
you know what?
Guardian angel my ***, you held the match to my wings and glued the charred black feathers to your spine, ****.
Those were mine.

Heaven Dawn Mar 2014

Gardens of Kale.

I know you.
You're the snake in my garden, tempting me and offering the world.
If you ever left, you'd be the theme of my Ninth Circle of Hell.
You were all things I didn't understand; tides, Pluto, stars exploding, shivers down my spine.
You were so broken, I'm horrible at drinking out of chipped china.
You were my mirror, broken and jagged but still beautiful glittering on my bathroom floor.
You were an atlas, I could trace every girl you'd been with across your palms and up your neck.
You have this string around my heart, and when you leave the room, I feel that tug.
You have a cigarette hole in the bottom of your favorite sweatshirt, I loved it for the way I knew I wasn't the only one burnt by your touch.
You make me feel close to the stars without even looking up.
You're beautiful and tragic.
You know that feeling you get when you see a puppy? Yeah, I get that every time I hear your name.
You were a plague among the female race, and I didn't even mind being inflicted.
You're poison, mislabeled as a boy with stars on his lips.
You have birds nestled in the hollow of your collarbones, I can't help but listen to their song.
You're tall enough to be included in my list of reasons why I love looking up at the sky.
You weren't anything holy, but dear god, you were my favorite religion.
You engulfed my very being, I am no one without you.
I've always known you.

Heaven Dawn Mar 2014

Screams of a boy who never cared

Keep writing he screamed as I looked down at the page, don't ever think about stopping he cried, as if my words were his savior and he was being nailed to the cross.
Your mother would be angry with the way I made you yell the Lord's name in vain.
But she has to appreciate the way you say amen after you reach in the dark to put your pants back on.
She looks at me like I was born on the wrong side of the tracks, what she doesn't know is I'm just a train, I'm only passing through darling.
And I stopped.
Why are you stopping, why do you think it's okay to string me with your words without punctuating us? HOW He yelled to the world, and I swore my grandmas swung in her grave, rubbed the goosebumps off her shoulders and shook her head at the choices I've made.
And tears smeared my lines and your name blurred into mine, it looked so natural, being intertwined in you.
Please, stop, your words are never enough and he left.
Come back home I whispered, but you had sacrificed yourself for a cause that never made sense.
You wanted love in the sense of drowning in her voice and trailing your fingers across her spine, but I hated my back rubbed and my voice is made of words that don't make sense.

Heaven Dawn Mar 2014

I'm just a feather.

I couldn't even look you in the eyes, you have a hold on me that shakes any confidence I thought I had.
I was so sensitive under your fingertips, don't you see what electricity does to a girl? I'm 75% water babe.
Tracing freckles I never knew I had, I felt like an atlas and you were traveling the world.
But I wasn't beautiful in this moment, I felt like a feather on the ocean, you were tides against the shore, you showed be beauty in the most destructive sense.

Heaven Dawn Mar 2014

And for that? I am sorry.

I didn't know how to breathe without your hand in mine, voice in my ear, finger drumming on my thigh. So lonely in this passenger seat, 3 feet away, I can still feel your heat, you were suns and lava constricted in human skin.
And for that? I am sorry.
I tried to paint your voice once, but I settled for your eyes, I couldn't even put you into colors do you know the insanity of that? I've painted bruises and lips bitten by lovers, but the color of your eyes? Never to be captured on paper.
And for that? I am sorry.
I've captured these moments behind my eyelids, they flash when it's 3 am, I'm cold, shivering in this bed. You have your jaw clenched and your hands are clenched into steel. These are the moments I cherish, you're lava, slowly burning away, I was a volcano, erupting at the tiniest tremor.
And for that? I am sorry.
I fell in love with you.
And for that? I am sorry.

Heaven Dawn Feb 2014

This is a love letter.

This is a love letter.
To myself.
I hate who you are, but a man who makes you feel like melting snowflakes and smiling at the elderly. If that makes any sense.
Anyways, I may hate you, but he loves you, and that's what makes this a love letter.
You're welcome.