"Life is all about choices."

But I don't recall choosing
The struggles I've had to fight to remain moving and breathing,
The rough path I have no choice but to keep walking,
Or the situations of which I've dealt with
Some I was born into
I don't remember ever being given the option
To choose

Coming home from school, to a household that automatically changes your mood
Forget living, let's call it existing
It's all that's being done under this roof
And it **** sure couldn't be compared to any thing resembling a choice
It's rope and a guilted conscience
That keep me bound to this place that raised me
Fighting against the knots tied abrasively around my feet      
Only to be overwhelmed with remorse
At even having thought about leaving
And unknowingly, I strengthen their hold

Life, once again, making choices on its own  

They never tell you it'll be easy
So caught up in dramatizing the difficulty of the journey
It's forgotten how easy it is to give up
How easy it is to judge
Constantly looked down upon for things out of my hands
But the number of misdealt cards in the past doesn't control future bets
It just strengthens the desire to win

And that, Life
Is my choice

I've never wanted to roll over and die though I admit there're been mornings I rolled over and cried at the thought of ever getting up again
But I did
Low as rock bottom on the ocean floor but refusing to be swept away with the tide
I stopped living in pointing blame on trivial irrelevant things
And slowly broke the chip off my shoulder that was a mile wide
Though sometimes I still feel it's phantom weight
Taunting me about the things I cant
change
And I never had the choice
I couldn't pick where I came from, how I was raised, who raised me, I can't control the missed opportunities my upbringing has denied me, or the battle scars my past gave me
But finally living instead of existing?

That is my choice.

Pondering ways to escape
Trying to stop my mind from mulling over the ways that I'm trapped
In this cage of circumstance
Brain bruised from overthinking
Waking up in the middle of the night heart beating faster than cars speeding on the freeway
I dreamt again about leaving
But it's not so simple
Reality is harsher than a dream
Glimpses of wishes behind closed eyelids don't mean a thing
When truth forces you to take in the facts surrounding you
I'm stuck
The merest wish upon a star is irrelevant if the sky is starless  
I find myself looking left and right for guidance
Looking up to stop to the tears from falling and looking down in case they do
I have no clue
How to unbury my feet from the mud
Caked up from years of second guessing
And worrying if what I did would be enough
Tired of waking up disappointed as realization hits like a newly bloomed flower being crushed by the weight of a brick
When I understand my dream is just a dream
And I haven't yet been given the key
To unlock my happiness .

Tick. Tick.
The minutes went by since you read my message
And the excuses I could've told myself diminished
You're weren't busy. You simply weren't worried
With responding to someone as unimportant as me
We're not a thing
And perhaps I'm dumb for thinking we were
That I possibly broke free of the hell called the friend zone  
And I was someone you couldn't live out
I'm not that to anyone  
Replaceable yet reliable
Here when you need to be pulled out of the darkness
Or have a light shone on your self assurance
Either way
If I can be needed for once
I will

This year marks my seventeenth birthday .
But I have 7 times that many scars
Some that mar the surface of my skin
The uglier ones being the ones buried within
That were cut with the shards of glass that fill my lungs as every breath scrapes across the barely beating drum of my heart
Creating slicing pain with every pump
Drowning from the inside out
I'm steadily sinking with each day passing
My ears ringing , yet my face smiling
Nobody will know I wasn't fine until it's too late

Sixteen years, 5 attempts
Three of which came after realizing my dad will never quit
Drinking heavily from an aluminum can
Making it impossible for us to swim
As he drowns his unknowns
Covering the floor of this place given the name of a home with a mix of eggshells and scorn that we must walk on  
Biting my lip so hard that it stings to avoid a lash at my already low self esteem
All for simply voicing my opinion
On the list of unending responsibilities
Thrown at me by parents who play the role of a **** up better than myself  
Becoming numb to my situation
Bottling up the turmoil of emotions, and holding it inside like poison
My family determined to keep the illusion of happy
We're not.
And I can't remember the last time I truly was

I've experienced the pain of a razor blade
On and off again since 6th grade
I've known Pills, cuts, and knives
The pain of Daggers flying from eyes of people who were supposed to love me
Judgment coming from the ones who didn't know anything of me
Cliches of strength I threw into the faces of ones I loved
Could do nothing to degrade the hurt at the words I heard
Sixteen years of constant battering, harshly shining the light on the same insecurities
I heard countless times before
Some being screamed from the other side of my door
The truth blurting from people's lips before they even talked to me
Hiding the marks not with long sleeves
But with a convincing smile and a bubbly personality
All the while crying myself to sleep every night, repeating meaningless words to convince myself I'd be alright
Because it just had to be true.
No one's ever suspected a thing.
No one's ever knew

Almost seventeen years.
And I can only count on one hand
How many people I know who would truly give a ****
If I actually had the guts to go through with it all
Putting myself out of this hell I've been in ever since I became old enough to see the flaws in everything
That involves me and my existence
Saying **** it to this way of living
If I can't escape it, I won't live it.
And sometimes I doubt the chance of me leaving
Even though my heart want to hold on to the hope

As I blow out my candles on my cake and make a wish
Plastered smile on my face, my head filled with anger, sadness, and guilt
I wish that I could ******* disappear
And look around at everyone who's happy for me.

White walls surrounding
Crushing creativity without a sound
No one to push for diversity
In an environment where we're bound to be plain
Blandness depriving
Minds from thriving
Albino cells designed to keep one sane
Clearly violence is induced by paint
Maybe its designed to keep minds numb
To deny the opportunity of realizing what one can become
Instead creating the illusion your best isn't enough
Mirroring the image of our predicted fate to come
A classroom a prison all in its own  
Making it inevitable to settle into this world we were thrown
Into, some of us as soon as we were even born
Prejudging. Assuming
Before they even know our name
Relating crimes of poverty to an innocent face
Because That's the Way We Were Raised
Sentenced to fail
By the Judgement of society that says
We won't be anything because we were born into nothing
Somebody should should share the fact it's a choice to become something
Looking down on us, barely masking their disdain
The pity they feel marking their face like a stain
I will be something
Breaking free from the shackles that were latched on my feet
When the system started controlling how educators teach
Controlling my mind
Refusing to be a puppet of my circumstances
A dummy without views
Politely tell the system when you see them
I went above all their rules

What you told me was it will be okay
But you didn't say
All the things that made you think that way
Made you so confident in my place
In this world
When I'm just passing through
Temporary yet permanent  
Like the feelings I have for you
Letting go, but maintaining a hold
Gripping my heart, but never letting go
I smile and reply
I'll be fine
When I know it's the oldest line
Ever told
But a lie that I tell well
It's too much to ask you to be a friend
In a time of my need
Your more concerned with your image
What it'll mean to be seen with me
You rather offer empty lines of assurance
But your not sure if it's worth it
To risk your reputation for someone like me
Undeserving of the tiniest affection
But you can tell me it'll be okay
As you read the expression on my face
And overlook the years of buried pain

I keep hoping
Maybe you'll come to your senses
Realize where you messed up
Apologize for your choices
I keep thinking
I think too much
About everything you say
Every stupid touch
Searching for excuses
Looking for words to cover my hope
And the fact that I gave up long ago
Or the lie that knows I didn't
I get angry
When I see you get depressed
over something that would've never caused you stress
If you had only considered another choice
I keep checking
To see if there's a poem that might mean
You're possibly thinking about me
An idea I know to be insane
Because you had a chance to be with me
And like everyone else
You threw it away

I'm becoming pathetic
Scratch that
I always was
A step behind everyone else, struggling to keep up
Seeming to others as being strong but it's just
A wall I fight so hard to keep up
The helper. Not the helped
Bottling the words inside
I slowly poison myself
Allowing a drop to spill onto someone else's chest
Is unheard of, so I keep it all instead of risk
Being seen as just some whiny *****
In the end it doesn't come down to understanding
Or trust, or being tough
When I'm crying in bed, gasping for breath
I'd rather let it **** me than bother someone I love

Maybe I should stop
Letting others treat me how I do
Being easily dropped
for something better when it passes through
Maybe I should finally see that I'm enough
And stop pushing aside my feelings
For the sake of someone else
Maybe I should finally change
Force myself to care a lot less
See how other's react
With the true ***** they'll have to deal with
Maybe I'm tired of having to pretend
Being there for everyone else, but seeing no outstretched hands
When I need someone to make me smile
All this time I've spent trying to be happy
Has only thrown me more off balance
Maybe I'm done with being an anchor
Only succeeding in drowning myself

You broke my heart
Nearly shattered it
When you told me you weren't sure if you were having it
When you never gave me a choice
To be yours or not
It wasn't a choice at all.
I loved you - love you
With everything I have
You pulled me out of depression.
Made me laugh.
Now you don't want the dependent
You made me
Depending on your voice to weaken my knees
Giving me the courage to climb to my feet at the beginning of each day
Making me wonder  why it should be okay
That I question your love
And the love for myself
Since when did my beauty
Become dependent on someone else?

Basically you're saying you don't need me
Without saying a word
As you look away
Eyes caressing the floor
like they once caressed my face
Grazing my skin yet leaving no trace
I can still feel your eyes on me
Warming  
making me blush without any warning
Electrifying my skin with your stare
Yet you don't know my name
I'm just a face now
That you see in the halls
No more memories of laughter, or those late night calls
That I cherished close to my heart
Those smiles and butterflies I let fly above the fear
That one day I would find you like you are here
Telling me you don't want me
Without saying a word

I am a child
Of this I know
Constantly, repetitively
You remind me of my roles
The words "you aren't grown"
Fly from your lips
Tempting me to quit
Abandon unspoken responsibilities
In a rebellious mood
I'm filled with rage
All this potential I possess
Yet you have me locked in a cage
A bird with clipped wings
Shackles on my feet
As I answer to your kids
Who sometimes call me mommy
Inside of me there lies a cold hearted beast
Who wants to turn her back on this life, be free
But before the beast can reach the door
My conscience steals the key
Along with my dreams
And the hopes of ever leaving

Your text
Lights up my smart phone's screen
Elated, excited and feeling dumb beyond belief
For a minute I allowed my mind to wander
Dangerously thinking
Falsely interpreting your message's meaning
Forgetting just for a moment
Your smiles mean nothing
Forgetting that we're just friends
"What's up"
That's what your text will say
Followed by a
"Did you see her smile today?"
Yes I did.
No she didn't wave.
The smile wasn't aimed even aimed at you  
Every week
I watch you watch her like a fool
Coming to me for advice you're too afraid to use
Pathetic is the only word that comes to mind when I think
Of how you agonize over every move she makes
Yes that was a blink.
No it wasn't a code.
Blinking twice doesn't mean yes, once doesn't mean no
As much as I despise your infatuation
I'm guilty of a crime of similar aggravation
I like you but you'll never know

Im from oak trees
Reaching limbs that shade
The sizzling concrete
Tailgating before a game

Im from Sunday breakfast
Family gathered round
Loud music & conversation
Filling the house with sound

I'm from a sprinkler
Placed in the backyard
In the summer time
The cheapest way to cool off

I'm from biting tongues
Southern by a grace
Taught feelings are better bottled up
In attempt to save a little face

I'm from photographs, artifacts and names used
In vain to help my grandmothers memory pull through

I'm from the place
Where music is constantly played
At every occasion, no matter the time of day

I'm from a culture, deeply rooted
Through mardi gras, beignets, and family reunions
Where English occasionally gives way to French
Like a tree. I branch
In every direction
I am from home

Homework turned in on time
Straight A's is what I strive for
Seen as a nerd by most
I see myself as someone who simply wants more

Oh, so I don't have a life?
Because of my grades?
Excuse me for knowing
When to work and when to play

You call me lame, a geek
Ever consider I'm trying to escape poverty?
Saying I was "born smart"
As an excuse
For why I'm doing better than you

No, I don't go home and read
Every minute, every day
Or go straight home and study
Or watch documentaries

Yes, I believe education
Is my purpose
For coming to school everyday
Honestly if I didn't learn anything
It wouldn't be worth it

I have a life that branches
Far away from this school
Don't call me a "nerd"
Because I want a future more than you

I swear
I will never be
What was estimated of me
I will go beyond expectation
Achieve all of my dreams

I swear
I will move on
Leaving the past behind
The violence, the annoyance, the wasted time
I vow to be successful
Never just get by

I swear
I will leave behind me the days
Of paycheck to paycheck living
The struggle to get bills paid

I swear
Bettering myself is the only way
To avoid the lifestyle
In which I was raised

I swear
I will not hold resentment
Or bear hate
Simply say thanks the battles
That gave me strength

I will not regret my past
Just strive for better things
And take into account the people
That showed me who not to be

Don't go as far as to lie to her
Allowing poison to drip from your lips building up hope as each word slips off your tongue  
Shooting her soul with promises and disguised scorn for a girl you don't want in your world but who will follow you like a lost puppy
Because she was lost in herself
Lost in feelings
Of seeing you everyday and believing
That you were worth it
All but kneeling at your feet yet you don't speak - knowing
The strings to her heart you are holding
And you're holding her captive like a puppet
I wonder if you know she's not a strumpet
I wonder if you could hear her heart
Hear it thumping
Knowing it beats for you

Don't go as far as to deny
The feelings you felt when you first saw her smile
Heard her laugh, looked in her eyes
That shone brighter than the brightest stars in the skies  
Filled with undeniable warmth
That have now turned cold
To your voice your name your touch
As she realized her warm wasn't enough
To keep the heat off her cheeks when she felt the back-burner's scorch
Once quick to dote, now quick to ignore
Another rag left on the shelf

Don't go as far as to lie
Not to her, but about her
Destroying the trust that's no longer valuable
To hold in in your hand and cherish
Soiling her name
Making up for your anger shame confusion
Baffled she had the voice to diffuse the message that read
"I'm done"

Don't go as far as to miss her
When you notice her not noticing you
Seeming to others admirably bulletproof
You the only one knowing she can be vulnerable
Unable to look away as emotions begin to stir
Slowly your mind connects to your mouth to create words and the first one to form is :
Beautiful
Wanting to crawl as you feel it in your chest
Like the bullet of your words that hit her confidence
When you said you didn't want her

Don't go as far as to say you're sorry
Once you've realized you hurt someone who could make your day brighter not by dancing with angels but by making you smile and silencing your demons
While every bone in your body fills with regret and your jaw clenches
Trying to find words to change the situation
But there aren't enough words in the world

You've taken away my vice
The therapy that kept my heart beating
With every beat of the drum or harmony of singing
That healed me completely with every note
No more can I sit and listen to tunes
Losing myself in the words
Escaping my pain and the thoughts that made my head feel like it would explode  
I can be alone no more
The music washing over me
Calming my soul
Giving me the will to be
Myself and not worry about anyone else
But now you invade every song
Going through my playlist
Skimming over my favorites
Your name jumping to the front of my brain as every beat hits
Suddenly I understand all of the lyrics
I sang countless times before
I can relate
To every verse and every chord
Singing of perfect days and the pain of letting you go
Not sure what I'll do
But for now I know
You've ruined music for me

My eyes have been opened
To what's in front of me
Seen now as what it truly is
No more notions dipped in honey
Or hopes dripping poison
Slowly killing my peace of mind
Taking away the last piece of my smile
That remained genuine

You're oblivious
To the restless emotional tide
You stirred up the first time you said Hi
Or the way you engulfed my mind
With feelings I thought I got rid of yesterday
But I was tossed back to sea today when you spoke

You don't know
How hard I tried
Tactfully I kept a veil over my eyes
So I wouldn't see the blatant lies
Appearing untouched by your smile
If only in public
For in private I continued hoping
...you would open your eyes  
And see I was worthy .

Undeserving you were of my thoughts

As your text
Lights up my phone's screen
Instantly my mood changes
Your message serving as a light in the dark filled depression that seems to swallow me whole
Of course you don't notice
The turbulent misconceptions concerning my imperfection
That exist just below the surface
Of this fake smile on my face
Quite deceiving
You assume I'm comfortable in my skin
And I know your just kidding
When you crack jokes about my numerous flaws
As if I can accept it
Like I expected you more than anyone else to know the difference
Between a harmless joke and a stab at my self confidence
As intimately as you see me
I dangerously hoped you'd see through me
Beneath the damage and scars left from years of brutal immaturity
But like all else you fell for the illusion  
Assuming
I was fine with being second best
It's baffling how you can claim to be so close
To a person you don't even know
Thinking I'd be fine with you talking about her
When you never gave me the chance I deserved
Cuz I wasn't perfect?
Don't I know it

Tossing and turning
The moon increasing my yearning
To see your face
Feel your hand on me
Witness your smile that's reassuring
Looking at me as if I'm perfect
The only one for you.
Restless
I roll around on my bed
Envisions of what ifs playing in my head
Trying to sleep
Checking my phone for a text
I'm not sure I'll receive
But I'm wishing on the stars in the sky
That what you see when you see me
Is beautiful in your eyes
As I close mine
Trying to fall into a dream
Holding hands
In a world where you'll be
Without a doubt proud
To be seen
As the star of my hopeful dreams

Quiet
A word her peers say
not with appreciation
But with undisguised hate
They never wonder why she doesn't try to pay anyone the time of day
Slouching her shoulders dejectedly as she walks away
And so it's seen as an excuse
For the weak minded with nothing better to do
Who pick and ****, and laugh along with the bullies to seem so cool

She's delicate
She once was
pure and soft like the skin she now cuts
In attempt to numb the voices, make them shut up  
If only for a little while
But a little whiles never enough
Demons screaming in the shadows of her mind
She sees herself as a ghost whispering
"I'm fine"
Repetitively, endlessly she utters this lie
Disappointed at those who believe it

She's quiet
She never utters a sound
Numb to her surroundings
She's bound
to misery
She's perfection but she'll never believe
Shoulders slumped, pulling down her sleeves
Beauty, As faint as the curve on her lips
The opinion's the blade that now picks
Out her flaws as she prods onto her reflection
The voices overpowering her mind
She's fine
But her weary eyes betray the lie
Her lips can no longer make true

She's broken
Shattered pieces of her lay on the floor
Reflecting just how insecure
She's become
She's far past numb
Inside she's dead
And in the shards of glass scattered on the bed
Is the faint trace of smile

I'm starting to think you don't know me
The sweet words you say unarm me
Leaving me feeling wanted
I thought you understood when I told you I hated compliments?
Especially when I don't know if they're true

You break the rules
I have written around my heart
You open your mouth and I start
Wondering foolishly
falling apart
Crumbling Into feelings
I might never get out of

You wonder why I can't make up my mind
One day I'm happy next day I'm "fine"
All the while changing , trying not to find
Flaws in what's too good to be true

I roll my eyes
In defense
Hoping you won't see past the pretense
Looking Into their depths
And seeing the hope that lies

I'm fine with being alone
I can keep my heart closed
Do me a favor?
Next time you think those sweet words?
Bite your tongue.

A smile
So brightly aimed at me
Elated I was beyond belief
Just to think someone was finally noticing me...
me.
My presence had unconsciously formed a smile on someone's lips
And for once I felt...
Pretty

Suspicion quickly replaced
His joy surely mirrored on my face
Reality began to resurface
Someone must have paid you
Why are we speaking?
Complete reassurance
Embarrassed at my foolishness
I'm sorry self-doubt rules my life

Insecurities sharp as knives stab at my brain
Jumping around, replaying all the words I've ever heard people say
All the times I've been judged by the size of my waist
Before it was even thought to ask my name
Talking myself down
Building myself up
Anyone would be lucky to know you
You'll never be good enough
You're so fat
It's just more to love
Finally convincing myself to reach for the chance I deserve

Another smile in the hall
I wave happily
Switch to confusion when I see you don't do anything
I wondered what I did
Where did I go wrong
Until I notice her and understand all along
While I convinced myself to be brave
Once again I remained unseen

Hot tears stinging my face
As I pray God to help us
Hoping he would replace
Your acquired taste of selfishness
With selfless love and make
You happy without having a bottle permanently by your side to drink

Hands folded
Hard floor hurting my knees
Willing God to open your eyes
To make you see
All the things you have that you could need
Just as badly as the foul drink
you choose as your poison

Tears begin to fall uncontrollably
It hurts
Wondering why we aren't the center of your world
Your everything .
Why don't we deserve
To see you completely sober
for once
You sip all day , pass out drunk
Wake up and the first the thing you do is grab another one
Aluminum blue, white writing on the can
That taunts me as if saying

"He loves me more than you"

You could have had it
I placed my heart on my sleeve
Wrapped in barbed wire and chained
all but gave you the key
Never did I say you could tie my heart to a string
And use my emotions for a game

Maybe you couldn't tell
The way my eyes lit up when you entered the room
Bright as the sun when it's shining behind the moon
Hidden behind the smiles and perfume
Of a girl who ignores your existence

I was here
Everyday
When you wanted me close
When you pushed me away
Happily fine with being second place
And Daydreaming of being first

No more
Am I held prisoner by your words
Silently accepting this world I thought I deserved
I won't say you used me
I used myself

Chains wrapped around my identity
Holding me down
Preventing me
From escaping the reputation
Unchosen as it is
Though I'm worthy
Of the words I've been called
Handcuffs holding me to this life
Everyday normalcy I've learned to despise
The same routine
Stereotypes by which I am seen
What happens when you want to be someone else?
If I leave, will I be seen
By the traits that are truly me
Or will the grey cloud that soils how I'm perceived follow?
The weight that holds me down
In unbearable ways
Will continue to strain against my personality
Without the whispers of my mind
The voices of past repeating
Telling me how to take heed
At any moment the comfortable ground on which I stand
Can be replaced with "buried" insecurities

Love isn't a word
I throw around foolishly
Simply because I've been denied the opportunity
Of being held , filled with the possibilities
That one touch can carry
A simple caress
That serves as if to say
You're perfect
I wouldn't want you any other way
No such touches have came in my direction
Causing me to pick apart my reflection
Imperfections, one after the other
Become apparent
Because of one thing that was said
Even if I wasn't supposed to hear it - I did
and those words?
they haunt me

I'm sorry I don't believe it when you say you love me

My head pounds and my knees start to tremble  
As a precaution I ignore whatever
It is I'm feeling, burying it so deep
It'll need a shovel
and a rope to emerge
You think it's unbelievable the extent I go to so I won't be hurt
I think it's unbelievable that you claim to know my worth
When I'm not sure myself
Fearing you're just one more of many
Attempting
To take advantage
Of the self image I posses that's in shambles

I'm sorry I can't believe your compliments

Those sweet words you say with honesty
sincerity, unquestionable truth
A rarity in itself, especially coming from you
Inside me there's a girl smiling  
Next to the one crying,
bruised from years of being used
poisoned with sugarcoated  I love you's
And promises made
With fingers crossed

I'm sorry I don't believe I'm enough

I look in the mirror and I hate what I see
Automatically I think of other girls and the joy they may bring to your life
While I sit happily alone
And I know
I can't possibly love you if I don't love myself

Remember that night you called me crying?
At one in the morning 'cuz things had turned violent?
I picked up even though it was late
And it was a school night
I needed my sleep
But I stayed on the phone and calmed you down
Crushed all the rumors circulation around
Never could you extend the same courtesy

Get everything off my chest in a text and press "send"
Expecting some advice or an "it'll be okay"
Instead I get back one letter
Not even a sentence to comfort
Let me turn around and do the same thing
You'd have no hesitation in calling me selfish
Cold hearted, accusing me of being jealous
As if you could handle a walk in my shoes
As if you know half of what I've been through

Remember when I said that I had feelings too?
That I wasn't just a human form of a diary for you to use?
Like I have all these thoughts and emotions bottled up inside that you haven't once considered or asked if I was fine
Scenarios circle in my head
Late at night I replay all the things we said
Entire conversations, beginning to end
Perhaps I think too much
But that doesn't change
The fact you never want to listen to me

If you're gonna play it like it's every man for himself
I have no problem never asking you for help
I have no problem hitting reject
On the phone when you call
I could be reading instead
And by reading I mean a book, not one of your long texts
140 characters describing how bad your life is
As if you don't have a roof over your head
Parents who love you, a nice warm bed
I'm not saying you don't have problems, everyone does
I'd never put mine out there
I know how you judge
You'd tell me I'm insecure
Or to just grow up
Never once considering what I'm going through is actually tough

Does that jeweled crown from your head need to fall?
To convince you I'm imperfect yet worthy?
I don't care if you're the queen of your world
You can't judge my path unless you've walked my journey

I'm not your personal therapist
Never was
Never will be
Your emotions?
Have them
Your diary?
Here's the key

Machines beeped
Monitoring your life
Every beat, body weak
Your heart struggled to keep you alive
This shouldn't come as a shock
We've known for months
I knew you weren't here anymore
Simply existing physically
Your body wiped clean of all mental capability
Like an ocean tide batters the shore, you were diminishing
Until there was nothing else to take

Reminiscing back to the signs we ignored foolishly
Never thinking it was more than a slight lapse of memory
From a call to confirm your location
To forgetting the youngest generation
Temporary confusion faded to permanent loss

I wondered
As you laid unconscious
The mask on your face providing oxygen
If you could hear me
Were you silently screaming for me to shut up so you could rest
Knowing you , you were concerned with my school and why I was at the hospital instead
Did you remember my name?
Could you conjure up my face?
Behind those delicate eyelids that hadn't done more than fluttered in days?
Remember reading to me as I sat on your knee?
How we'd admire nature with a hand full of bird seed?

I though I'd accepted the fact you were gone
When we first suspected the disease
The one I wish was never created, never existed, that erased my existence from your mind indefinitely

As I stared at your face, peacefully sedated, I felt a twinge of pain
How is it this woman I knew to be so strong
Might as well have had fragile stamped on her face

A being so loving
Was now so faint
Like a painting left in the rain
Your colors had began to fade
Until they were white
White like the sheets, the walls, and the floor
The absence of life that exists behind hospital doors

Your body slowly tried to quit
Hard headed as always . You said not yet
So frail you held on to the little life you had left
Until Heaven loosened your hold

I find solace knowing you're in a better place
Where you can remember loved one's names
Watching over us in the paths we take
I'm resigned now to the fact you had to go
But as long as you could
You made God wait

Sticks and stones
Is what they say
looking down as they throw
A cliche for strength in her face
Words they can't even begin to understand
No matter how hard they try
A pointless attempt
Until they've felt the sting of words lash like a belt when they hit
Degrading
Battering
Their every defense
Weakening
Causing doubt to the extent
Where they look in the mirror and the voices
They reflect
Others opinions becoming the definition of what their worth is

Sticks and stones
Is what they say
Oblivious to the fact she stares at a razor blade
While inside her mind all the names
grow louder
Screaming
Contemplating death of a being
with no realized purpose
Heartlessly their hate holds her captive
Sentencing her to a fate of silence
For whenever she opens her mouth to speak
Automatically she considers the negative feedback she'll receive
And quickly stops herself before the words fall out
At least someone has self control

The sea of insecurities she has to dive into everyday
Is nothing
To those who avoid her like the plague
Quick with the stones they cast
Ignorantly assuming
That the flaws they antagonize her for are of her choosing
So she's been branded
Hot and searing
What it feels like to be judged
As they create opinions regarding her existence
But a lack of acceptance is to blame
She prays for anything
Any way to escape
The constant ache, the ever present pain
Desiring to be invisible just for a day
In the end it's just a wish

Misunderstood
she goes off like a bomb in her school
One last cut, her last breath,
She blew up like a fuse
At all of those who ever judged her
Tormented her everyday
But when the report was filed and neatly put away
It was her who was held at fault
Never once was it taken into account
The triggers that were pulled by her murderers mouths

Sticks and stones
That's all they said
In one last guilt ridden breath
As they notice her blood left on their hands
Denying her perfection
Allowing her to believe death was worth it
To escape the hell in which she lived

The sting
A reminder of your hand on my cheek
Seems to taunt me with every throb and beat of my heart
As my pulse quickens
Without asking, I know what they're thinking
I was dumb for letting you touch me

As I walk through the halls I observe their expressions
Seeming to yell I deserved it, without any question
I know I deserve more

I deserve more than broken promises
Slivers of shattered glass that stab just as sharp in the morning
As the deceitful lies uncovered the night before
The permanent wounding of my trust
Lies that weren't meant to be told
Vows that weren't worth being kept

I deserve more than wondering
If your daydreams revolve around me
Cherishing the joy I bring to your life
Or if they're filled with faceless beauties,
And the question of who you'll **** tonight

I deserve to be put on a pedestal
High enough that no one could doubt my
Importance, seen as others as some one who's worth it
Simply by noticing the smile on your face when you notices me in a room

I deserve to wake up with a text
That serves not only as a "hey", a mindless token
But as piece of insight to how lonely you've been since we've last spoken
Even if the last time was last night

I deserve to feel special
Like no one else can take my place
I deserve to hold your hand
Not feel it across my face

I have fear
Inside of me
So strong
Hanging off a jagged cliff, I'm dangling, struggling to hold on
Looking at your face
I'm afraid it's the monster I'll become
A torturous thought it is , that just like you I might succumb
To how it feels to have a bit of fun
Never quite knowing when to stop  

I have fear
One day I'll press a cool bottle to my lips
the bittersweet taste consuming me, making it impossible to quit
Downgrading my life, ignoring my kids
To find a permanent high that doesn't exist
Forgetting that I swore I was gonna be someone
like everyone else in our family always does

I have fear
That I'll look into so-called loved ones faces
Ones I've hurt without consideration
And not recognize their expressions
Emotionally vacant , resigned to the fact that I'm just not changing
Yet they've done everything but give up

I have fear thats all consuming
That my fate is not of my choosing
Fear that just one drink will lead to two
And that two will lead to eight
Taking away the chance that I'll appreciate
Something that doesn't involve two glasses going "clink"
or the opening of a foul metallic can

I have fear
That I'll become just like you
A horror I'll do anything to prevent from coming true
Because I've seen first hand what liquor can do
I've seen how it eats brain cells for lunch
Destroying the ability to listen, increasing the urge to judge

I have fear
That I'll be everything I despise
Giving in to the monster I see in your eyes