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Self-inflicted stress keeps me up at night.
I did this to myself, do not fight.
My head pounds at the thought of everything.
With so much weight all I can do is keep breathing.

One breath in, one breath out.
Why does my sadness have a right to shine?
Who gave my tears the right to fall?
What made my thoughts have the right to ruin my day?
Why do my fears have the right to overtake me?

I feel a sense of sadness again.
Not the scary kind,
The elephant on the chest one.
The one that makes everything feel heavier.

My tears feel warmer,
Like they have been boiling in me.
Constantly spilling out of the ***.
The stove is now covered.

The thoughts are cloudier.
The small things are more complex.
In one place but everywhere at once.
The running is making me more tired.

My fears overtake my empty thoughts.
Begin and end with ‘sorry’.
Doubting everything.
Hating me.

Weak with sadness.
Unable to move.
Paralyzed by distraction.
I beg for a break.
Say they are okay when they are not.
Hide their sounds of crying from me.
Flinch at the sound of my voice.
Want to be alone when I am around.

For if my child feels the way I feel,
I apologize.
I did not intend for you to experience my childhood.
I never want you to feel the same.

I don’t want you to lie awake,
Being the mother I wasn’t there to be.
Nursing yourself back to dry eyes.
Telling yourself you are okay when you know you aren’t.

I want them to wake me up when they cry,
To know that their mind comes first.
To know that their feelings are valid no matter what.
I need them to know that mental health is invisible but not unnoticed.

— The End —