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do not expect for this to be a poem about love.

I owe you, right?
you gave birth to me,
which means I should be grateful that you didn't yell at me today.
thank you then.

I tell you I am hurt by your words,
but I should be sorry for being hurt by you?
I am sorry then.
it will not happen again.

I ask to close my door,
but this is your house.
you ask for me to clean your mess,
now it's my house too, right.

I need to take care of myself,
I'm starting to feel better.
I am wrong, you come first
I owe you every last breath.

I avoid the mirror.
I will look fat no matter what.
I wonder where I got this from.
thank you for my self-hatred.

see I have finally realized something,
parenting was your job,
not mine.
so why the **** was I doing it?

I do not owe you anything.
you chose to have me,
you chose to raise me.
you failed but I have to pay?

I have come up with two words for your parenting style,
mental abuse.
"sometimes, you have to *** in the sink"
I hate calling you by the "right' name.
Mom.
I don't think you deserve that title.
I don't think you ever will.
I feel blank without you around. I feel so empty. Before you, I felt this way all the time. A completely empty canvas, until you came along. With you I feel like the most intrinsic, colorful piece of art. I have this new sense of life when you are around. Like I want to live that tireless long life, only if you are there.
I see we don't want the same things anymore,
which means I should probably let go.
But you are all that has made me smile in the darkness,
but what's surrounding you is the darkness.
Say they are okay when they are not.
Hide their sounds of crying from me.
Flinch at the sound of my voice.
Want to be alone when I am around.

For if my child feels the way I feel,
I apologize.
I did not intend for you to experience my childhood.
I never want you to feel the same.

I don’t want you to lie awake,
Being the mother I wasn’t there to be.
Nursing yourself back to dry eyes.
Telling yourself you are okay when you know you aren’t.

I want them to wake me up when they cry,
To know that their mind comes first.
To know that their feelings are valid no matter what.
I need them to know that mental health is invisible but not unnoticed.
Another late night cry.
You consume my thoughts.
Overtake my calm sea.
A rage of emotions arise.

At the lowest part of the night,
when the clock ticks the time away,
a tear drops.
Unwanted feelings surface.

I like quiet.
I don’t like talking about it.
Burdening others with my stupid feelings.
Ones that are untrue but feel so believable.

Silent cries.
I don’t want to wake my mom.
Disturb her peace to find mine.
This will pass hopefully.

I question myself.
Who loves you?
Who wants u?
I think no one.

But I know I am wrong.
I know I am blinded by the late night cries.
“please leave a voicemail, beep”

Hey, uh, I have missed you.
Not like Romeo did Juliet
Or like Noah did Allie,
More like Han missed Chewie.
The point is, I wish things were normal.
I want our long talks about nothing,
Even the occasional silent ones.
We seem to have been playing phone tag lately,
Which is okay but I am ready to talk,
Ready to hear about your horrible drinking habits and your endless girl problems.
How does two years feel like a life time?
I guess friendships are like that sometimes.
Life goes on but it goes slower without your
best friend making you laugh,
Or calming you down when you need it the most.
I heard you are coming back into town,
I hope to see you.
Sorry to drag on,
Call me back.

-a voice message i wish i made
maybe i am that girl with mommy issues.
the girl who wants to be told what to do,
but wants to be in control all the time.
who will baby you like she never was,
but also want to be treated like a child.
the girl who will go out of her **** way to make sure you get whatever you want,
but sit here and cry when no one does the same for her.
the way she treated me will no longer affect me.
i am saying no more.
Self-inflicted stress keeps me up at night.
I did this to myself, do not fight.
My head pounds at the thought of everything.
With so much weight all I can do is keep breathing.

One breath in, one breath out.
Am I happiest with you, or am I just blinded when I am with you?
Because being away from you makes me see things.
Are they there or do I just miss you?
what hurts isn't the wanting to leave, it's the wanting to stay
The life I want is so close and it’s at my fingertips but I'm not allowed to grab it yet and it hurts so much. I have to sit and wait for something that is right in front of me.
I have to sit and wait for other's to be ready
for the life I want.
welcome back, unhappiness.
it's been a while since we have last met.
would you say a year or so?
would you say since I've met him?

you give me these bad thoughts.
the kind that make me not want to want things.
the kind that sees no good ending.
why must you attack me again?

what have I done to deserve this?
Still navigating the seas,
found security.
Been through storm after storm,
Finally finding calm in the endless swirl of chaos.

Giving my all and feeling right,
but end up doing the wrong.
I hurt and get hurt.
Is there a formula?

Five months in, all for the first time.
Love is the most difficult challenge,
But love is also the most simple and easy task.
Like a hot knife going through butter.

Love is intoxicating.
Unsure and always being on your toes.
Compromise and sacrifice.
Love from him makes everything worth it.
Why does my sadness have a right to shine?
Who gave my tears the right to fall?
What made my thoughts have the right to ruin my day?
Why do my fears have the right to overtake me?

I feel a sense of sadness again.
Not the scary kind,
The elephant on the chest one.
The one that makes everything feel heavier.

My tears feel warmer,
Like they have been boiling in me.
Constantly spilling out of the ***.
The stove is now covered.

The thoughts are cloudier.
The small things are more complex.
In one place but everywhere at once.
The running is making me more tired.

My fears overtake my empty thoughts.
Begin and end with ‘sorry’.
Doubting everything.
Hating me.

Weak with sadness.
Unable to move.
Paralyzed by distraction.
I beg for a break.
The dewy grass makes me miss your lips,
as does the rain clouds.
When I see the baby foxes, your eyes appear,
rusty brown like the tractor outside.

Metal roof, where we lay under,
quietly listening to the drops.
You grasp at my warm waist,
pulling tighter like the loose faucet handle.

I crave your delicate peck against my lips,
like the green truck yearns to start.
My hands run through your hair as we lay
in the soft silence.

Dogs running and coffee cooling,
waiting for the sun to crest the hills.
I want this now, I want this later,
I want this forever.

— The End —