I thought some of my fears
Might disappear over the years
But it seems like they're here to stay
In fact over the years
More seemed to have clung on
I'm not a little girl anymore
I think I'm much to mature for that
You might say I am
And I'll just friendly smile back
It's just another judgment on your part
And I'm so used to getting judged
It seems like routine
Since elementary school
Getting judged by appearance
The voice you speak
But I didn't really have a voice
So you judged me because of that
I was always more scared of girls than guys
Girls would hurt me emotionally
Guys would hurt me physically
And that was okay
At least the pain told me I was alive

I'm sorry that I love you
So much, yet
I can't express
One bit of it

I don't know whether to
Meet your eyes when
You walk past me because
Sometimes you look so caught up in your world
I'm not sure whether to invade it.

I don't know whether to
Give you a hug when
Your eyes travel some distance and
You go Oh so deep in thought.
As you sit there, worrying,
I too worry about you.

I don't know whether to
Answer you truthfully sometimes,
Because the truth would hurt you more and
Make you feel helpless because
My problems are impossible to handle
(I'm very sure)

I'm sorry I'm so
Caught up in my own problems always,
So we never get to talk about

Yours

Who knew, who could?
Who hurt you? Who would?
Who couldn't believe?
Who felt you breathe
And decided to leave?
Something I see
Inside the depths of your eyes
Something so free
Beyond your modest lies
Something is on fire
With the breadth of wind
The stillness of water
The quake of the earth
Such a beautiful liar
The last standing friend
The laugh that caught her
Never knew her worth
Are there words for her?
The stars that align in her eyes
The beautiful summer blur
Moving on without compromise
Catch it before its gone
And maybe you can be the one
The curve of an angels wing
In the grace of her cheek
Like warm snow before spring
In her lips before she speaks
Hands to beat the devils touch
Cause my heart to race so much
Her soul kindled by music and dreams
Reality never made a place for you and me
Her skin is like home
A place where you belong
Where nothing is wrong
Where the seeds of love and life have grown
Her voice like a wind chime on a stormy night
In the depths of fog she is my only sight
A million years I lived before you
But to make you smile
To let you know love loves you too
Makes it all worth while
To take the last tear from your beautiful face
Replace it with a smile that could light this place
To let you know there is nothing to fear
That nothing can touch you while I am here
To hold you outside of a black hole
So you know I'll never let you go
It may seem like its all for you
But you love to make me selfish
Cause the fire in my heart leaves me helpless
And nothing in this world was ever so true

I knew I would want you from the minute I saw you.
Tall, dark hair, indecipherable eyes that I swore were blue (they were green)
And you were shy.
God, anything but that.

So I did the usual.
I found out your name
And it was wonderfully unique
Your age
Just a year older than me

I knew you wouldn't pursue me
After I've heard you speak.
So I was quiet the whole summer
Kept my distance
Until I realized that I had to do all the work
So I went out of my way to talk to you
Talked about the weather
Talked about work
You were polite enough
And laughed on cue
And I thought
I can't let this one get by

So I messaged you on Facebook
It took every ounce of courage I ever had
And we've been texting ever since
But I still don't know anything about you
Or your family or your life
All you tell me is school and boredom
And you don't seem to find me interesting.
You didn't text me at all yesterday
Or today

And I don't really care all that much.

Because you're not worth it if you fail to see the awesomeness that is me.

As much as I want you
And think you're cute
And want you in every way
If you don't think I'm anything short of amazing
Then it's never gonna happen.

Hopelessness is swallowing me.
For all my life I've been it's prey.
Sometimes strong, sometimes weak,
I've always managed to hold on,
but my grip is loosening.

My dreams have been squelched
and my imagination is fading.
I'm tired of pushing boulders uphill
only to watch them roll back down.
My shiny glaze of compassion has dulled.

Flaccid are my heartstrings,
flying ramdomly like torn ribbons
on a misguided kite.
Where can I escape and become
someone else somewhere else?

My minds been compromised.
I can't form sentences
But when I do
It's just a jumbled up mess
Of the broken words
That fell out the window
That one cloudy night
Last May.
My minds made a compromise
With my heart.
One wont feel for you
If the other doesn't think of you
But they both have problems with
Keeping their promises.
Your tear-soaked "sorry"'s are on my clothes line
A different color for everyday
I cried to you through florescent light.
Caring is written on the ball
That I always throw correctly
But never really hit the target.
Caring is spray painted on your ceiling
But you always seemed to miss it
Every time you went to sleep.
Caring is the name of the one-way
Dead end
Street that I walk down every single day
Hoping for a different outcome.
And hoping was always something
I had left to those
More experience in short comings
Until I realized that the people
I should have been relying on
Were the people who hoped blindly and
Got everything they didn't know they wanted.
And for some reason
I wish it hurt more when you don't answer
Because then maybe I would have a new emotion
To connect to your smell.
And God only ever shed his light on me
When he knew I was indecent
But to be lit at all
Is a blessing itself
Right?
Right.
That is the only right answer to that question.
Right?

I hate it when you lie to me,
I know that none of it's true.
I hate it when you cry with me,
And let your heart pour out of you.
I hate it how my soul feels free
Whenever you're around,
I hate that when we're together,
My heart is finally found.

And still you go on hurting me
As I beg you, please, just stop
You lie, complain, you twist me up,
While your beautiful brain just rots.
You let it stop you thinking,
Your heart takes full control.
Your body slowly falls away
Leaving vulnerable your soul.

I hate that you still need me
To protect you in the night.
I hate that I'm your angel,
Your harbinger of the light.
And I wish that it was me,
You had to look forward to,
But every time you look my way,
Your sight passes me right through.

So please, just let me escape from this,
Let me take my flight,
I don't want to be your strength anymore,
To be the dawn before the light,
I want you to do this on your own,
To let the darkness fade away,
I want you to leave me, happy again,
To leave me to the fray.

And there I'll burn, I'll turn to dust,
My life will be forgot,
No one will ever know my name,
Of my plight, you will know not.
From here I'll leave you,
On your own,
I know you'll struggle through.
You'll find the light soon now, my love,
And I will never come back to you.