They are our greatest weapons.
Our enemies.
They control the harm we do to ourselves.
They hold the nicotine,
They caress the blade.
They wipe our tears,
And they can cause our death.
Our hands are what destroy us.

As the smoke exits my mouth,
The harm enters my lungs.
Filling me with contempt,
Knowing I am once again,
Ruining me.
As the blade glides across my skin,
All my pride and self worth glides away with it.
I am left once again,
Harmed and Worthless.

I feel your touch,
On my shoulder while I sleep.
I can feel your breath,
Warming my neck.
But why can I still feel the pain,
Why can I still se the dark?
When my happiness is lying right beside me...

I stand,
The fire screaming at me.
I don't move,
I don't want to.
I want to be engulfed by these flames.
These flames of hell.
Yet above me the clouds shine,
The Earth feels soft under my bare feet.
Keeping me grounded.
Yet the serene beauty of the world,
Is taken over by this darkness inside.

She leaves the house alone every night. To cry on her own in the dark. In peace. She has no friends to text because at the end of the day she can’t tell them everything. She’s out of the house getting exercise but she exercises until she can’t breath, until she can feel bone. She has bobbins all up her arms hiding cuts while she scratches her raw legs under the dinner table. The family see she is eating. Her friends at the cinema see it too. But what they don’t see, is the puke stained bathroom floor and the mouth ulcers from her own ***** forced up by only her. She starts cutting her tongue so it hurts even more too. She can’t focus on a movie because every **** second she’s wondering where she’ll cut next or how many pills she should take tonight. Or where she could find rope. The baby she lost last year holds memories. A time she could have been happy. The empty space where the baby should be Yet the void inside her is still so shallow. Her boundaries were broken growing up when her cousins fingers slipped inside. She was hurt again when she met the devil himself and fell in love only to find out he wanted her dead and once again bet her black and blue and left her open for the world to see. Only to find out he himself went to hell before she could.

And if only people knew this they might leave her alone.

'It's okay to be broken',
The 5 most beautiful words imaginable.
When I let him inside my barrier,
This is what he said,
Tears in his eyes,
Looking around,
At the crumbling walls inside me.

My legs,
Are my canvas.
My body,
An object.
Like a hotel.
People stay,
Then leave.
To return home.
I will never be home.

I can still feel the nerves,
Sneaking out to mind you.
I can still feel your hair between my fingers,
Wet with fear.
I can still feel your breath on my cheek,
Smelling of stale alcohol.
I can still hear your voice,
Hoarse and lost.
I can still see the way you looked at me,
With your big, sad, blood shot eyes,
Begging me to never leave your side.
Your lips telling me you love me.
And in that moment,
I knew I was never going to be the same.
I love you too.

How many more nights,
Can I do without sleep.
How many more meals,
Do I have to skip.
How many more scars,
Do I have to create,
To fill the emptiness?
The answer is infinite.

That I wish
I dug deeper.
To expose the veins and arteries,
That to this day keep me alive.

That I wish
My hands could hold more pills.

That I wish
I wasn’t born.

I don’t want to be here.
I hate it.

Why can’t i be normal

Looking through the eyes,
Of the unknown body,
Known as me.
Desperate for a way out,
But I can not escape,
Myself.

Life is a jigsaw.
Sometimes you fit the pieces together, first try.
Sometimes it takes a few tries,
Putting the pieces in the wrong places
And taking a while to figure out where they go.
But sometimes, the jigsaw falls and breaks.
The decision lies there.
Awaiting your answer.
Do you start again?
Or give up.

Just keep smiling,
Even though people are talking.
Just keep smiling,
Even though home is a mess.
Just keep smiling
Even though the blades hurt.
Just keep smiling,
Even though your dying...

I am full of stories,
Some happy,
Some sad.
I can be hard to read,
But some people find it easy.
You bend my pages,
They never go back to how they were.
Sometimes you’ll forget your even reading me...
And when your finished,
I’m thrown somewhere dark,
Never to be seen again.

***** dishes,
Unwashed clothes.
Shoes on the floor.
My love and I sprawled on the couch,
His arms wrapped around.
Taking life nice and easy.
Laughing at our old ambitions,
And realising that this is the life we live.
This is where I want to be

And I’m back to the bad place.
My hollow corpse,
Floating aimlessly.
Through what some people call,
Life.

Why do they look at my demons,
Before they look at me.

It hurts when you love someone so much,
Yet they are completely blind to the fact.
When you can't even sleep with worry,
And their out having fun, not even distinctly thinking about you.

Your voice rang in my head,
As I looked death in the eyes.
“You will get through this”
“You are strong enough”
But death was already carrying me,
To my new home.

I want to feel this way because,
I don’t know what other way there is to feel.

It can come in bottles,
Plastic cases,
Prescriptions
And foil wrappers.

But it can also come as ***,
Blades,
Starvation,
Blood
And drug dealers.

Take your pick.

Carrying them to my grave.
Like a sack of boulders,
On my weak, damaged bones.
My brain filled,
Over flowing with my past.
Why oh why, can’t you leave me alone.

I want to run.
I need to get away.
It won’t leave me alone,
It’s always there.
Shouting at me,
Chasing me.

And when it catches me,
It tears away at the wall I built.
The wall that took so much courage,
Love,
Nurturing,
And positivity.

Gone in seconds.

You never let me be me.
You see I'm healing,
Yet you need to drag me down.
You see me smiling,
Yet you need to make me cry.
You see me trying,
Yet you still make me feel like a failure.
Your meant to love me,
Not hate me Mom.

She makes me feel unwanted.
A burden,
Undeserving of love and life.
She calls me ‘fat’, ‘useless’, ‘worthless’.
And those words are engraved in my mind,
Forever on repeat.

My mother makes me want to die.

My mother treats me as if I am 2 different people.
My mental health,
And the child.
I do not exist in her mind.
I am broken,
Useless.
I am not me.
I’m not allowed to be me.
“You will be the happy girl you used to be.”
This is me Mom. This is it. My mental health is part of me. There is no going back.

You were my first love,
But also my first heartbreak.
You were my first kiss,
But also my last.
For you, I am willing to wait.
For your touch, your smell, your voice.

I am waiting for something that will never happen.

Since you are gone.
Forever.

In my opinion,
things don't get better,
we're made to think it.
a coping mechanism,
built in.
To survive.

Hiding my true self under my warm, broken flesh,
Looking in a mirror and seeing a figure looking back.
Nobody knows me.

Fake smiles,
Fake laughs,
Being okay so no questions are asked.
Yet all I want to do is release this pain,
Eating me from the inside, out.

I welcomed happiness with open arms.
Yet it did everything to avoid me.
The sadness was too strong,
Too protective.
Over its victim.
My glimpse of hope,
Quickly over shadowed.
I’m back to the normality of being
Sad...

I have cried for help silently.
Wishing I could speak.
But my mouth remained barren.
My eyes spoke the words my lips couldn’t form,
And the proof of this struggle is written in my body.
My disgusting,
Useless,
Body.
Still standing alone,
In a world full of oblivious people.

You dreamed to live,
While I longed to die.

You fold me into what you want me to be.
And I can't do anything about it.
You cut, you fold and you rip.
Over and over,
Until I am what you've always imagined.

As my legs go numb,
And my lungs fill with liquid.
I feel at peace.
This recognizable feelings,
That reminds me I’m alive.
Even though in pain,
I am still here.
The bells in head,
Bashing from left to right,
Give me a sense of hope,
Even though it causes pain.
Then the darkness.
Where I relive my past.
And I’m back...