We are completely and utterly alone in this world. We are born alone, We survive alone, We suffer alone, And we die alone. And most of all we feel alone.
'Why is Mommy so upset?' 'Why is Mommy not talking?' 'Why does Mommy have scars on her arms?' 'Why did Mommy hit me?' 'Why doesn't Mommy love me anymore?' 'Why is Mommy in the doctors all the time?' 'Why is Mommy taking so many pills?' 'Where is Mommy gone?'
You left me the same way someone would leave an unwanted puppy at the side of the road. Alone, terrified and unknowing. You walked out that door the same way the blade cuts. Fast and painful. You made promises. That you would always be here. But Dad, Where are you now? When I need you the most.
I hold the rail of the balcony. Taking it all in. The rays of the sun on my face, The smoke from my cigarette. I close my eyes and smile. Reliving my life's greatest moments. And most importantly, I remind myself that this beautiful world, No matter how amazing, Drove me to end it all.
I am breathing, Inhaling, Exhaling. I can hear the sea, Soft in the distance. I can see the stars, Looking down at me, Keeping me company. My hair damp, From the moisture in the air. I am Existing.
Yet I still bear the blade, And the demons inside.
Carrying them to my grave. Like a sack of boulders, On my weak, damaged bones. My brain filled, Over flowing with my past. Why oh why, can’t you leave me alone.
Memories like glass, Carving images into my brain. Tattooing them there, Forever. Never forgetting, What happened. My mind is playing them on loop, Over and over. Until the day my heart stops.
You were my first love, But also my first heartbreak. You were my first kiss, But also my last. For you, I am willing to wait. For your touch, your smell, your voice.
I am waiting for something that will never happen.
'It's okay to be broken', The 5 most beautiful words imaginable. When I let him inside my barrier, This is what he said, Tears in his eyes, Looking around, At the crumbling walls inside me.
It takes 7 minutes to bleed out. Whereas here I am, Fighting this constant losing battle for almost 5 years. Struggling to live when I'd rather die. 7 short minutes.
One too many calories, I’m fat. 1 workout turns to 6. 30 crunches turns to 300. Walking turns to jogging. 3 meals turns to 1. And fat turns to bone. And now I am “perfect”.
I wish life had a delete button. Delete the pain, the suffering and sadness. Delete the false love and the hate. Delete the addictions and abuse. Just delete me, myself and I...
And when the metal digs in, I feel alive. The the pain meets skin, I fantasize about the oncoming pour. The stream, Drip... drip... drip. If I had the courage, The bath would be full of crimson. But I am weak.
Above me is the sky and the white silk clouds, Looking so tantalising and angelic. And below me is the cold, hard ground. Filled with skeletons and rotten memories. Where would I rather be..
I am the problem. I am my own problem. I stopped worrying about me a long time ago. Letting this illness take over. I'm screaming yet no one can hear. I don't want them too. I'm so used to this feeling, That I wouldn't be me without it.
I engulf my body in the warm water, Listening carefully to the beating of my heart, Filling my ears. Being careful not to corrupt the liquid surrounding me, Trying to remind myself I am alive.
I welcomed happiness with open arms. Yet it did everything to avoid me. The sadness was too strong, Too protective. Over its victim. My glimpse of hope, Quickly over shadowed. I’m back to the normality of being Sad...
You are above, While I am below. I grovel at your feet, Giving you love and respect. Yet you step on me like I don't even exist. Like I'm nothing. And this is the moment I realise, I will never be above. Always below.
They are our greatest weapons. Our enemies. They control the harm we do to ourselves. They hold the nicotine, They caress the blade. They wipe our tears, And they can cause our death. Our hands are what destroy us.
Maybe I should join him. And take my own life. Maybe I’d be content, Knowing my heart no longer Beats tirelessly, To keep my worn out body alive. Maybe then I’d be content and free. From the thoughts of you Racing through my mind. Maybe, Just maybe...
It was the moment the water surrounded me, And the ceiling stared into my eyes. While the water crept into my lungs, And pulled me under, That I felt my most alive.