She smiles a bright smile,
But hides the darkest secrets.

And it is today I realized,
I’m not going to recover.

You stood on the track.
Consciously waiting,
For 8.30pm.
You knew exactly what was going to happen,
Yet you still stood.
Sweat dropped off your forehead,
Onto your tanned nose.
But you let go.
You had enough.
And 8.31pm came,
Now you are gone.

I just lay down.
And it happened again,
For the first time in months.

Attempting to release the pain
Drop by drop.
Blood, tears and screams.

Yet I still don’t feel alive.

And in these moments,
I wish the air I breathe would suffocate me.

Sometimes,
The hardest part.
Is realizing that..
We are







Alive

I engulf my body in the warm water,
Listening carefully to the beating of my heart,
Filling my ears.
Being careful not to corrupt the liquid surrounding me,
Trying to remind myself I am alive.

We are completely and utterly alone in this world.
We are born alone,
We survive alone,
We suffer alone,
And we die alone.
And most of all we feel alone.

I felt your finger escape my hand.
Your love, leaking from my heart.
I’m trying to hard to patch it up before it empties.
Your eyes facing the ground,
While mine begin to cry.
I drop to my knees.
Bitter with pain.
Please don’t leave me.

One too many calories,
I’m fat.
1 workout turns to 6.
30 crunches turns to 300.
Walking turns to jogging.
3 meals turns to 1.
And fat turns to bone.
And now I am “perfect”.

Her body a canvas,
Of her own artwork.
Scars and scribbles,
Cover every inch,
Of this masterpiece.

But he took the tools,
And ripped her in half.
And streaked her with thick,
Heavy, paint.

Leaving her ruined.

You stole my heart the day we met.
Without me even noticing the hole you left behind.
I still look at the scar yet all I can do is smile.
Thinking about your touch,
Your tired head on my pillow lying beside me,
Just giggling and having fun.
I remember looking at you and realising,
He's the one.

How can you sleep in someone’s else’s bed?
Knowing there were endless nights of crying.
Days of sleep and loneliness,
Harming and hurt.

And nights of endless passion,
Loving and happiness.

The wine stains, the blood stains,
Sealed onto the mattress perfectly shaped,
To fit their body.

And there you are,
Abusing the safe haven they have created.

I could sit for hours,
Looking at the blade.
Gleaming in the ****** bedroom light,
Smiling back at me,
Begging me to use it.
My thighs itching with anticipation,
Too be torn to pieces.

The say ‘roll with the punches’.
But I am beaten black and blue.

Maybe I should join him.
And take my own life.
Maybe I’d be content,
Knowing my heart no longer
Beats tirelessly,
To keep my worn out body alive.
Maybe then I’d be content and free.
From the thoughts of you
Racing through my mind.
Maybe,
Just maybe...

I said i was busy.
But not in the way you think.
I was busy focusing on my breathing.
I busy trying to keep the tears at bay.
I was busy gliding the blade back and forth.
I was busy bleeding.
I was busy doing what I do best.
I was busy hurting.

I confess.
I am in dyer need to hurt,
I miss the pain.

I admit,
i still cry every night.

I must say,
The dreams have never stopped.

But when, tell me when.
Will it stop?
When will these thought disappear,
Can I go too?

I crave the breeze brushing against my skin,
The rain gently dripping on my hair.
To run through the woods, full of life and nature.
Meet new people, and discover this fascinating Earth.
But instead you keep me trapped,
Claustrophobic in my room.
Never going beyond these walls,
Of pain, remorse and this pessimistic existence.
Which you call 'living'.

And when the metal digs in,
I feel alive.
The the pain meets skin,
I fantasize about the oncoming pour.
The stream,
Drip... drip... drip.
If I had the courage,
The bath would be full of crimson.
But I am weak.

I try to slice the skin,
To cut away my sins.
Praying that with my blood,
My memories would drip out too.
That I would be new, clean.
His touch no longer clinging to my body.
That day no longer a piece of me.

I'm living in this dark fantasy,
Where I'm surrounded my deranged demons.
Back in that room,
With my attacker...
Reliving the moment second by second,
Minute by minute,
Hour by hour.
Slowly slipping away.
Very, very, slowly,
Until I disappeared.
Back into my dark fantasy.

I feel upset.
That's where this all started.
Upset turned to hurting.
Hurting turned to harming.
Harming turned to drugs.
Drugs turned to addiction.
Addiction turned to depression.
And depression stole my soul.
And its making me forget who I am,
More and more,
Day by Day.

Sometimes I feel that,
I don't even want to see a tomorrow.
Because I am living in yesterday,
And I feel dead today,
And everyday.

Neat little rows.
All over my body.
Some deep,
Some shallow.
Every line with its own story.
Little memories I carry with me.
The after scarring always there to remind me.
Of the pain I felt in those deep dark moments.

I wish life had a delete button.
Delete the pain, the suffering and sadness.
Delete the false love and the hate.
Delete the addictions and abuse.
Just delete me, myself and I...

Your addiction.
You think we don't notice but we do.
The empty bottles hidden in corners.
The slur in your voice.
The pain in your eyes.
Why are you doing this?
You are fine on the outside...
But what is inside making you **** yourself like this?
What demons are you trying to drink away....?

I am not afraid of the dark,
It can't scare me anymore.
I'm used to it.
It's ways of making me think and feel.
Having full control over me like a drug.
And I'm the addict.

I love the pain.
Because when you live with it,
Everyday...
You have no other choice.

I felt okay,
I felt.... happy...
I felt alive.

This Moment
I feel sick,
Depressed,
Dead.
I feel sad.

It's back again.

I feel as though I'm nothing,
You make me feel like nothing.
I feel empty.
Broken
And scarred.
I feel like there's no turning back.
Just continual darkness forever,
And ever,
And ever.

The laughs,
The cries.
The secrets,
The lies.
The little fights,
The drunken nights,
A friend is all you need.

You made me feel needed,
When nothing else did.
I was simply falling through life,
But you gave me a reason to walk.
Even if I was walking on glass.

Your infectious laugh ran through me like wildfire,
Your  big green eyes drew me in deeper, into your trap.
Those gorgeous freckles scattered across your nose,
Were just a coax.
Your perfect little ears designed with diamonds,
And that tattoo on your waist.
All of which made me fall in love with you.
And to this day I don't know how I am alive,
Since you are gone.