This poem is a lie
i'm about to cry
settle upon this guy
and come to see it was all a lie
why couldn't i see
it wasn't meant to be
i saw the signs
and i ignored them
and instead i tried.
just like i'm probably
going to ignore this too.

A boy stared at me today
He's staring his life away
The more he looks the more he should know
That I am not here
               And I should go...

For as long as my memory goes
So does pain
I've become an addict
Pain.
   Love.
      Rumors.
         Me.
I can't just leave
I care too much to leave.
Your abusive.
You hit.
  You punch.
     You kick.
        You bite.
           You scream at me.
But its all in my head
The torture is real though.
                                       In my head.
Frustration in every sentence
Dripping with madness.
I lay down
                    You next to me.
My eyes are closed
                                   But my ears can hear
You **** a gun
                            I hear a shot.
                                                    All I feel is hot sticky liquid.
Its forming and spreading
     Then another shot.
          Everything is quiet.
      
                                   Our pain is over.

Here I sit
In a classroom full of people
They're yelling
And screaming
Some call themselves my friend
Others are just there.
They make fun of me
They laugh at me
They tear away at me
And everything hurts.
It feels terrible.
Wanting to scream
Wanting to cry
Wanting to kick
And yell
And be angry.
I'm mad with myself
With the world
And I'd rather be sleeping.

Nagging

from everyone

it makes you seen less
less of a person
less of a friend
less of a human being

where is the magic in nagging?
where is the love in nagging?
there is no patience in it.
there is only annoyance.

theres only dropping
           only regret
           only you

                    and your nagging...

Sometimes
when I'm lying awake at night
on an air mattress of a pull out couch
not sleeping because of the weight
of why i'm here in the first place.
I cry.

the tears stream directly onto the pillow
pulling off old remnants of eyeliner
and mascara
Dirtying the pillow

I cry because
I am alone

alone

alone fearing the darkness
what it brings
and if it will find me
the darkness
I spent so much of my life in...

The darkness I fought so hard
                                                       To get away from...

And I'm still fighting

I close my eyes
because when i do
I don't feel so alone

because darkness
is more company
than you'll ever know

I could never tell you
of the utter anomalies
running through my heart.

I shouldn't be alive.