i find it vexing


when you decide
not to
use words.

...and there are
so many to
choose from.
string together 9 or 10
and you begin
to bridge the divide.

you can even
sing them
scratch them
type them
take photographs of them.
there are ways.

instead,
you slam down
barriers,
strange, wordless barriers
choosing a route
sure to cause
confusion
and disarray.

i don't know
how true it is
to say
that actions
speak louder
than words...

it is hard to
glean intent
from an action...
one does not
necessarily always follow
the other.

it is in this state
of guessing,
of chaos,
of fragmentation -
that i constantly
find myself
entrenched in.

it causes a glitch
in my system...
this endless
refocusing
reimagining
rewinding

and i can't help
but believe
if i had the words
if you
gave me the words
i could construct
a story.
an understanding.

and there is nothing
i want more
than a
good story.
a connection,
an awareness of
the way
things are supposed
to move together.

i keep getting stuck.
i keep having to
construct all my own stories,
explanations,
and reinventions.

i don't want to
have to work so hard
to piece together
this disaster
of human
folly.

this exquisite search
for meaning.

this heartbreaking
reach
for
recognition
in
each other.