in the middle of the night i'm always alone -
so desperately alone.
there's no one here to catch my tears,
or stop the swirling vortex in my head
from draining me of any happy thoughts.
i feel Guilt
Anger
Sadness
Shame
Regret
but mostly i feel Alone.
i can take the shame and the guilt.
i try to handle the sadness and regret.
even anger can be pushed away.
but the loneliness never fades.
if it were a moth, i'd be a flame.
burning me alive
until there's nothing left..

sometimes, someone comes along
and you never stop thinking of them
in the middle of the night

our definition of a perfect day must not be the same
yesterday was magical
but today here comes the rain
my sheets are stained with snot
and my pillowcase with tears
so today i'll wash my bedding
and i'll throw away my fears
you're the master of my mind
and you control my body too
it's like you've cast a spell on me
and i have to see it through
but i want to
i want to
i want to oh so badly
because i love you
i cant stop loving you
*i love you oh so madly

maybe a month doesn't mean anything
when you've been with someone for years, what's a measly month anyways

but with her, she got me a little gold cross on a little gold chain that she searched for in her athletic bag
i felt like a princess

now our first month just passed and he didn't even mention it
maybe a month doesn't mean anything

but with her, it did.

where i'm trapped inside myself
and i don't want to talk
or even be around anyone
because it feels like the world is moving
but i'm not a part of it.

where i'm tired of laying in bed
but i don't feel like going out
so i make lists
to pretend that i know
exactly what to do with my life.

where my brain reminds me
you'll never be normal.

i know i'm gonna cry
gonna hug a lil too tightly
as i watch them
say goodbye

exhausting and exciting
and intense and crazy too
summer's coming quickly
and i don't what i'll do

Negativity swirls around me like the storm outside my door,
reminding me of all the things I've told myself before;
you aren't good enough or smart enough or worthy enough to make it,
everything I've said before to the point where I can't take it.
But then a thought appears that subsides all the self hate,
it's Francis Chan telling me Isaiah 55:8.

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts and My ways are not your ways.."
I criticize myself
for the things that God does praise.
He sees me in a greater light, knit perfectly together
and He loves me for the way I am, in any kind of weather.

your name's still on my floor
from that spring break
years ago
when we painted it
for something to do
and i see it sometimes
when i go home
and i laugh
remembering how badly
you didn't want to sign your name
even though everyone else was
that should have been my first clue
even at the beginning
you didn't want to leave a permanent mark
because you knew
you wouldn't be

scrolling through my feed
when a picture makes me
stop
zoom
stare
yep, i was right
she just posted a picture
with her body splayed across
THE picnic table
the very picnic table
where the first person i loved
ended
everything

i waited
for the anger
or sadness
to drown me
like it has before

but it didn't.

i felt okay
that art could be made
in a place where i sat
and uncontrollably sobbed

it felt nice
that there was beauty
to be found
at a picnic table
where i once only saw
heartache

nothing is wrong with dreaming.
i'm just not much of a dreamer.
you don't dream?
i don't see why i should set myself up for failure.
you think i'll fail you?
when has life ever been easy for us..
there's endless possibilities when you go and reach out*
one of us has to believe in the impossible.
the possible impossible

And just like that I'm reminded why you are the love of my life. The earth never stops spinning on its tilted axis.  I think the axis is tilted too much for me to keep my balance.  But you never let me fall.  Maybe I'm too cynical to believe in anything anymore, but somehow you've got me wanting to.

Just like a penny you left me in the rain
But today the drizzle stopped and out a rainbow came
The weather was so perfect and the sky so very blue
And you happened to walk by and you put me in your shoe
Because i was so shiny and gleaming and looked brand new
I guess that's where i'll stay now, in case you need some extra change
And this relationship is new to me and kinda sorta strange

I haven't yet determined
                                   if optimism
                              Is a trait of the foolish
                          or a trait of the brave          Give me something real to hope for.
                         Show me that I'm wrong.
                  Prove to me there's fairytales
                       That have happy endings.

i gave you the key to my heart,
and i was foolish enough to only make one copy.
but you don't want me anymore,
so i guess it got lost in the move.

i cant decide if i'd rather **** myself
or her

i saw a glimmer of a rainbow
just a streak
enough to get me excited
you see
i've been teaching about rainbows
i asked my sister
do you know how a rainbow is formed

she danced around
said i dont care
and what was i to do but smile

and i know it seems so simple
the conversation
and it was i suppose
nothing she will remember in the least

but it hit me
that deep pain in my chest
that feeling
of wanting to rant about rainbows
to someone who would listen

Drip, drip* goes the rain.
Tears are falling, taking pain.
And nothing ever makes sense, anymore.
I stay up crying in the middle of the night,
My eyes still open with the morning light.
And I still don't have a freaking clue
What I should do.
But I'm hoping someday to fall asleep,
And see this nightmare come to an end.
Everything will be back how it should be
And you'll always still be my best friend.

And now I'm hungry.
I thought *** is what made me
so carnivorous,
but now I see that all I need
is to breath you in.
That alone creates an expanse that
needs to be filled.
And if not by the taste
of your tongue
then meats and breads
must suffice.

i think i would give anything
to redue our relationship.
even if it ended the same horrible way.
just to get to feel what its like when you loved me.

Trying to be happy
is alot harder then it seems.
Because he doesnt
taste like you do.
And i never know
where to put my hands.

can you not see that the sorrow weighs me down as if i'm chained and thrown into that lake you dared me to jump in that one time. and maybe that's symbolic because i've always said drowning is the way i want to go. but i feel like i've already died a thousand deaths seeing you look into the eyes of another with the adoration that once was mine. it was foolish of me to think that someone of such magnitude would be with someone as normal as me. i got a perm and my nails were always chewed to nothingness. everything about me was average but you made me feel like i was important. you made me feel magnificent. and maybe it was just that my world was brighter with you in it because now i know there's nothing special about me. the only thing i ever had going for me was that i was with you.

today is the twelth
and i wonder if
that had any effect on you at all.
or if you even looked at calendar.
because you're all i've thought about.
at my cousin's wedding
i had to go in the restroom
to hide away my tears.
and i got a stuffed animal.
her name is sage.
but murphy is much softer.
and i miss him
almost as much as i miss you.

give me your secrets.
the ones behind the closed door,
with the rusted on lock,
because its been a long time since anyone has entered.
spread me open and lick my wounds
until i've muttered your name so many times i'll never be able to forget it.
show me something that will make me forget the hours i've spent crying.
and love me.
just love me.
as if i were a sailboat,
and you were the sea,
and all we needed was each other.

as i drove to work today
and i wondered if it felt lonely
or accomplished
to be the last one standing

they're still there
but you have to be close
to see them
and really
most people
just don't care enough
to look

waking up in an empty bed
feels so wrong and lonely.
i want your mumbled i love yous
and middle of the night hugs.
what am i supposed to do
while you're gone.

what we had was beautiful
beautiful and fleeting
and before you i didnt know
that one could love so madly
and i dont know if that makes me feel better or worse
now that you're gone

and you promised me a hug after every game
but you havent kept that
and i promised to come to every game
but so far they've all been hellish
so i wont keep that either

i miss you tonight.
and maybe i should always miss you.
but it's easier for me to miss
when i'm sitting alone with my thoughts, wishing there was someone beside me.
in those moments
i'm wishing for you.

like the way
his tiny hand reaches for mine
as we line up for lunch

or the way
she says she loves my sweater
even if its the same as the day before

or the way
20 pairs of eyes light up
when i say the word experiment

yeah, some things are beautiful
like the flower
he picked me on the playground
or the moment she could finally
read the word as

and i wouldn't trade those moments
for all the money in the world.

sometimes I wanna be 16
to remember what it felt like
before I had my first kiss
to remember what it felt like
before I fell in love for the first time

sometimes I wanna be 30
to know what it feels like
to be married with kids
and a job I love (hopefully)
to know what it feels like
to know my purpose (hopefully)

most days I just don’t want to be here

sometimes when i cry i feel like im gonna drowned in my tears
and sometimes when i cry i wish i would
sometimes i tell myself that you love me because im tired of feeling alone

I hate myself because I'm filled with so much hate.
And I hate him from taking something from me I can never get back.
I hate you for making me love you.
I hate every person that has looked at you
   talked to you
   hugged you
   held your hand
   held your attention
I hate them with every particle that makes up this pathetic body.
I hate them because for even a second they were more important to you than me.
I am psychotic, possesive, insane
and this is why I hate myself.