yeah, it's been years
since we last talked.

i cant say
the way you like your coffee,
what your favorite movie is,
or your thoughts as you close your eyes.

but ever so often
i'll hear a song
and i'll remember the way
your braid glistened in the sunlight
and the passion in your eyes.

no one conveys more purpose
in a single glance
than you.
and somehow, i doubt
that has changed.

the kids still need their love
the dogs, they have to be fed
no matter how you are feeling
when you first crawl out of bed

you're doing the best that you can
no matter how small that might feel
sometimes accomplishing another day
is really quite a big deal

in the happy and the hard days
life just keeps on going
and even if it's slowly
i think we're always growing

so be gentle with yourself
we're all a little weird
but that's what makes you beautiful
it's nothing to be feared

i feel like my world is falling apart
and i wish you were here
to help me pick up the pieces

i'm getting tired again
i'm wearing down
things are starting to look bleak
like they used to
i thought it was over
i thought i was done
how do i fix this
myself

because my biggest hope
and my biggest fear
is that you'll come back.

running towards the mountains
that i know i'll never reach
my lungs are on fire,
and i'm fine with that.
the water rushes by,
the trees engulf me,
and the wildflowers bloom
to remind me that
beauty doesn't need to be
tamed.
for i am merely a speck
on this great, expansive world
and i feel so very free
in my insignificance.

august, again.
and i'm in a different bed
and a different house
but the same tears fall
as they did a year ago.

and last year they were from
the stress and frustration
of the kids who felt it their life mission
to ignore every word from my lips

this year
from the absence of such.

because best friends with pigtails and converse
just don't come around that often.

the sun is shining
while the rain cascades
down my windshield.
and i'm thinking
maybe
the sky is as confused
as me.

sometimes when i cry i feel like im gonna drowned in my tears
and sometimes when i cry i wish i would
sometimes i tell myself that you love me because im tired of feeling alone

sometimes a memory
will envelop me
a memory
i forgot existed

like laying on a beanbag
as you stroked the hairs
that escaped my braid
while monsters inc played
in the background

and as the world
passes outside the window
my heart recalls that feeling
that feeling of falling in love

in the middle of the night i'm always alone -
so desperately alone.
there's no one here to catch my tears,
or stop the swirling vortex in my head
from draining me of any happy thoughts.
i feel Guilt
Anger
Sadness
Shame
Regret
but mostly i feel Alone.
i can take the shame and the guilt.
i try to handle the sadness and regret.
even anger can be pushed away.
but the loneliness never fades.
if it were a moth, i'd be a flame.
burning me alive
until there's nothing left..

we treat this like an acknowledgement
more than an actual question
i mean no one answers it honestly
because we're afraid of a therapy session
but we'll post what we're eating for breakfast
hoping to get a reaction
because we'd rather talk through a screen
than have actual human interaction

And why would they,
I suppose,
when half the conversations I have
are with myself.
I just thought New Year
meant clean slate.
And if I tried a little love
it would come right back.
But maybe I don’t know
what love is anymore,
because I never seem to show it
without someone getting angry.
And no matter how I try
it never comes back around.

when the choices you make are hurting
both you and someone you love
and your feelings feel like a burden
how do you know what's right?
when you feel like your thoughts should be said
and you feel like they need to be heard
but there's so much **** in your head

when you want everyone to be happy
but you don't know what that means
and you dont know which path is right
or which one follows your dreams

this is a new kind of broken
and being alone is so scary
but how can i be trusted
if i cant be alone
i need validation
i need someone to look at me
to say to me
you'll be okay
you'll be okay

where the thoughts
make the body feel out of control
and i know i'm self sabotaging
but i don't stop
the self hate
or to look in the mirror
because i know what i see
is a disappointment

and i'm already ******
so i might as well continue
down the vortex of troubling thoughts
onto the dark path of no coming back
at least not tonight

so i might as well continue
eating my feelings and cursing the sky
because i'll never be who i want to be

i might as well continue

..or not

i could spend hours
thinking of your hair.

somedays, i do.

i saw a glimmer of a rainbow
just a streak
enough to get me excited
you see
i've been teaching about rainbows
i asked my sister
do you know how a rainbow is formed

she danced around
said i dont care
and what was i to do but smile

and i know it seems so simple
the conversation
and it was i suppose
nothing she will remember in the least

but it hit me
that deep pain in my chest
that feeling
of wanting to rant about rainbows
to someone who would listen

i pull on my lip
because i want to look hot.
and lips are hot, right?
i cry more over a character in a book
than a character in my life.
somedays everything seems beautiful.
somedays nothing does.
and
i act like i don't care about a thing.
because being uninterested
makes me interesting,
right?

this chest is like a vault
and i threw away the key
so you never really get to know
this misunderstood me

i'd rather keep who i am buried
all my real thoughts deep inside
then give you time to hate it
i guess i got too much pride

but it's scary
cause this vault has cracks
so sometimes i start to show
and the person that you get to see
isn't someone you want to know

Do I have a sign on my back that says cheat on me because I'll forgive you?

gosh my hair is one big knot
my eyes are blurred at the edges
i can't think straight
(that's a movie about lesbians by the way)
i want him
and i know you'd be disappointed in me
but he made my hair one big knot
he knows why my eyes are blurred
his lips are what boggle my mind
and you don't know any of this
you aren't allowed to be disappointed

when you don't know me anymore

i hate what i look like
in everything i wear

i hate the way i look
with this newly chopped off hair

i hate that i work out so hard
but still have fat right there

i hate that i compare myself
so harshly with what i see
and make others feel bad
just to be near me

i don't mean to punish you
when i feel like you're succeeding
i just wish you could notice
that i'm sitting here and bleeding

I used to write in only rhymes
Now I don't remember how.

i woke up to pack
but now it doesnt feel right
because i cant talk to you
and its the middle of the night

i know you made your choice
and i know i made mine
and i have to believe
this will all turn out fine

but things seem more hazy
or maybe more clear
when its 4:42
and you cant be here

another day

bad guy again

try for kindness

drown in sin

long drives and
my thoughts drift to you
remembering times
when i would sing out loud
because you didn't make fun of my voice
remembering times
when i didn't use windshield wipers
because you made me
feel invincible

cried in the shower again
i can't believe it's the end
somehow, a child's my best friend

she just always brightens my day
in her goofy, intelligent way
and i wish that she could stay

but that's the profession i'm in..

here we are
a secret society
essentially strangers
but still alleys in this fight
who encourage, admire, anger, inspire
each other to continue
writing..living
it's said at the end of the day
all you have is yourself
i think we writers have each other
as well
so raise up your pens
call forth the troops
blast out your battle cry
whistle your words
rally together behind the truth of your poetry
and the convictions in your heart

we are here as one
hurting and healing and harmoniously having
our fits of passion, heartbreak, doubt, and discoveries

maybe not in the first line of defense
but really, what's a good fight
without someone to write of it

To wake up
feeling isolated.
To drive to a job
I was supposed to love
with dread weighing deep
in my stomach.
To be surrounded
by people, by voices
all day, and count down the minutes
until I get home
to an empty house
to feel less alone.

like the movie,
it makes me think of you.
and the day that he came back,
as people sometimes do.

and often i so think
thats what started our descend,
because you moved away,
and you made a new best friend.

other days i realize
that the ending was on me,
because loving a girl was something
i didnt do publicly.

we hold our dreams so tightly
tuck them against our flesh
until the two become one
and give only a glance
to only a few
because in this world
failure is a lot more plausible
then success

but sometimes dreams come true
and they aren't what you expect
because in your head things are perfect
and pristine and peaceful
but reality is messy
and dreams are only dreams
until they happen

everyone is so focused
on the big picture
that they forget
the most important part of life
is in the details

the little things
that make a person
who they are

coffee or tea
sunsets or sunrises
roses or wildflowers
beaches or mountains

find beauty
in the smallest parts
of someone
because they're
the most important

and that's the worst part
of an empty room
the thoughts
can't be distracted

i need human interaction
and crowds don't count
i need someone
to look me in the eyes
when i talk
then tell me
everything's going to
be *okay

i miss you tonight.
and maybe i should always miss you.
but it's easier for me to miss
when i'm sitting alone with my thoughts, wishing there was someone beside me.
in those moments
i'm wishing for you.