we are all
chaotic
beautiful
messes.
and isn't that kind of nice.

and no matter how long it's been
your smile lights me up
cant help it

the world is a dark place
and its getting harder to hang on
but if you do
i will
i promise

there's a void
maybe its always been
empty from the start
maybe i ignored it or
maybe i enjoyed it

but it's gapping open
now
and there's nothing
to fill it with

you're the same
kind of different
as me
which is nice
but exhausting
because i cling to you
as if you're the last ember
in a fire that long ago faded
i'm just so cold
and i can't find the flame
in myself anymore

Sometimes when I'm driving to school
Or washing the dishes
Or going for a jog
I think about how I will never see you again
And recalling
That friendships
Are actually quite fleeting
Fills me with an
Overwhelming desire
To cry

And it's been years
And I'm doing great
Better even
Then I was before.

But I think my mind forgets
That some things are forever
Even if those things are endings

I held my breath
in an attempt to stop the tears.
I think I passed out
before I got there.

I keep getting off track,
but I guess I can’t talk about falling in love
without talking about all that it entangled.
And let me tell you, when you fall in love
it will change every aspect of your life.
It isn’t all laughter and joking around like in the movies.
Sometimes you don’t even get to talk to each other.
Sometimes people don’t even know you’re in love.
But no matter what struggles you go through
it will always seem worth it.
At the end of the day when you’re lying in bed
with an important person’s face splayed across your eyelids
you have a sense of belonging,
and that’s when you know
it will always be worth it.

and that's the worst part
of an empty room
the thoughts
can't be distracted

i need human interaction
and crowds don't count
i need someone
to look me in the eyes
when i talk
then tell me
everything's going to
be *okay

I have a cough
And it's insanely hard
To stay up past 9:30
And I am so tired
Of being sick
And being tired
And feeling adrift

where my dreams could come true
and i'm wondering
if i dreamed
big enough

me

you beat me to it
the words in my head
cant say i'm surprised
always one step ahead

cause you missed that part
closing your eyes
when you wake up and shower
and think of my thighs

yeah you missed that part
after cooking and breathing
the closing your eyes
to keep me from leaving

but as i was jamming
and noticed whats missing
you wrote it all down
as if you were listening

so maybe you dont
close them anymore
to rattle the stars
as you stand on the floor

now we can't speak
and the rain hurts my head
and i try to remember
all the words that were said

because this one hurts worse
it's not the same kind of end
before we were anything
we were always best friends

said my counselor
i'm not sure i know who that is
i responded

you are worthy she said
you are in charge of your happiness

so i'm trying
i'm not sure who i am
but i'm trying to find it

expectations
have a way
of building

these moments
replayed so often
they are made great
before they exist

and sometimes
reality
just doesn't match

the silence
is deafening.
and my body feels
so heavy
so deep.
tears ready
at the surface,
but letting them cascade down
would take too much effort.
i guess nothings wrong,
but i'm here alone.

if life came with instructions
would that make it any easier?

they're still there
but you have to be close
to see them
and really
most people
just don't care enough
to look

your name's still on my floor
from that spring break
years ago
when we painted it
for something to do
and i see it sometimes
when i go home
and i laugh
remembering how badly
you didn't want to sign your name
even though everyone else was
that should have been my first clue
even at the beginning
you didn't want to leave a permanent mark
because you knew
you wouldn't be

because even when i cant see you
i know youre there
because
you control the tide
control the mood
because
you make me stop
and stare
and smile
because
you arent afraid to stand out
to be bold
because
youre completely unique
surrounded by things
that could never outshine you

we're just two needy people
needing each other

im so ******* tired of this fight.
everyday its the same.
but not today.
im done.

sometimes I wanna be 16
to remember what it felt like
before I had my first kiss
to remember what it felt like
before I fell in love for the first time

sometimes I wanna be 30
to know what it feels like
to be married with kids
and a job I love (hopefully)
to know what it feels like
to know my purpose (hopefully)

most days I just don’t want to be here

so many times i've said i'm a vault
i'm a lock with no key
that i'm hidden away
and it would take a miracle
for someone to get to me

but that's not it
that's not ******* it at all

i'm surrounded by people
so many people i can't move
crying out for someone to listen
but they don't even look my way

i'm not a vault
i'm an open book
that no one cares to read

Remember when our biggest problem was finding a way to be together.
God I wish I could go back.
I'd love you so perfectly  
that you'd never want to leave.